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This isn't the majority of people I know, though I have definitely known a couple or two where the wife "went right in there" no matter what the circumstance was. Again, it's not the rule but it happens.
I have wondered whether the guy married someone specifically to take over "all that stuff." Or, not ONLY for that reason, but that seems to be a big part of it. For the most part these were already guys who didn't feel like dealing with the ins and outs of everyday life or do their own research into their own health, etc. It was pretty obvious they'd envisioned that a wife would "handle all that stuff" one day, it was either overt or in the backs of their minds.
One man I'm thinking of, years ago, came right out and said he was raised to believe that once he was married "I wouldn't have to deal with X, Y, Z anymore." Don't get me wrong: he was far from lazy. He was one hard worker and he was in a very competitive field at that. But he believed he would go to work, come home, fix doorknobs and change the oil, and all the bothersome little details that somebody needed to approach someone else about (such as our example here, health) were up to his wife (she also worked). Also Christmas cards, calling his parents, making decisions for the kids' school, etc., etc. Of course this is just one couple.
My husband used to bow out of most of the stuff with our children regarding their special needs (long story) and I was forced to step up over and over again, and it nearly ended our marriage. The schools HATED me for a while, I was "that mother" who always had to open her mouth to request changes to IEPs and the like, or to carefully make complaints if something pretty negative came up (rare but it happened). And. I. Hated. It. But I had NO backup in handling ANY of it so I had to do it.
I don't think these "b-buster" wives always WANT to have to jump in and correct half-A'd information the husband is giving a doctor (or just take over from the start). They may in some cases but I don't think it's a given. You can't know what's really going on in these people's lives.
I do know that if a man marries a woman who seems to want them to have equal say, then she suddenly does a 180 and shocks him by taking over every last detail and steamrolling over him, 1. How did that happen? He never noticed this before they married? and 2. There's divorce, if she won't change. And some people won't.
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As to the *overall* question, why do guys seem to change and become more wimpy after marriage: again, I've seen it over and over - some men anticipate that after marriage they won't have to do "all that stuff" anymore, they don't feel like going out and partying all night anymore because they're out of that mode, the wife may have to actually blast them out of a chair...again...you just don't know...but tell me you haven't seen this: an obvious attitude that after marriage they can "calm down a little." I really doubt that the majority of the time it's because the husband is being terrorized into submission by a wife. This isn't 1896. Guys have plenty of opportunity to see what their future wife's personality will be nowadays. Yes, it works both ways with the genders but I'm answering this specific post, which is about husbands.
Compassion does not prohibit questioning. I am referring to a small subgroup of the population I see.
Well this is very eye-opening. The last thing I want when I go in for a doc appointment is to have the admin judging me for being controlling because I can rattle off our address and medical history better than he can or my SO for having "lost his soul" because he doesn't feel well or gets nervous at the doctor's office. Sure, compassion doesn't have to prohibit "questioning" but I would like to think professionalism prohibits the kinds of cruel judgments you are making.
My dad always ordered his own meals in restaurants, and ordered for the rest of the family as well.
On medical matters, though, he should have had someone, like the wives you describe. He wasn't very communicative with his doctor at all, so the doc didn't get important info he should have had. Some men are passive in the doctor's office, for whatever reasons. Maybe it's partly due to that men-won't-ask-for-help thing. In my dad's case, it was because he'd been raised by a Christian Scientist mother, so he never learned to communicate his symptoms and needs with a doctor. He's learned to keep his symptoms bottled up, so even my mother didn't know what he was going through, half the time.
So consider, OP, that the context in which you're observing this, may have a lot to do with the male passivity, and therefore, shouldn't necessarily form the basis for broad generalizations.
Well this is very eye-opening. The last thing I want when I go in for a doc appointment is to have the admin judging me for being controlling because I can rattle off our address and medical history better than he can or my SO for having "lost his soul" because he doesn't feel well or gets nervous at the doctor's office. Sure, compassion doesn't have to prohibit "questioning" but I would like to think professionalism prohibits the kinds of cruel judgments you are making.
This.
My husband is amazing and takes care of an absolutely tremendous amount of what we need, and he puts the family first. BUT anyone has limits as to what s/he can handle. I'm the "kid details" parent. If we went into the Emergency Room right now, God forbid, and were asked "what medications is your child taking at the moment?" he could easily relate that we're switching him over from the Advil-looking one to the football one but that might be the extent of it. I can name the generic, and the brand name for the medication, the mg dosage and the date it was started. I also know whether what we're in the ER for as far as symptoms started soon after the switch-over and therefore might be relevant; or, that there seems to be no correlation at all.
I also know my husband's medication that he takes for a certain issue, his dosage and when he started, and when his dosage got bumped, and I know what SEs he can expect from those and whether they're happening right now, or whether we can just shove those off to the side because they started before he even started the medication. He is brilliant and is actually way more mentally organized than I am (linear and visual mind) but these details have become my "realm," he has other stuff, PLUS he does not like to speak up in situations like doctor's offices or meetings (for his own reasons, it's not passiveness, long story).
'Cause that's the way it is. That's how things got split up. Or, one of the ways things got split up.
God, what a B-buster I am, crushing my husband's soul by handling all those details that he finds excruciating.
Now, interestingly enough, again - linear mind - I was having trouble recently finding a certain specialist because the way our healthcare site listed doctors was...odd. To me. I was trying to wade through it...he came over and click-click...done in like three seconds and I was able to continue my search. That tech stuff is stuff *I* hate to do, and which doesn't resonate me. It required no sucking of my soul for my husband to "take over" that task. I still pretty much feel like me, my pupils are normally dilated and my voice is not a monotone after this experience. Believe it or not.
OP, I'm surprised you've never at least heard of, if not witnessed or known in your extended family or among friends, men who push their family members around, bullying the kids or the wife. Did you really think that all women take over the roost after marriage, and that all men shrug and resign themselves to that fate? All of humanity is cast from the same mold, and clicks into some kind of pre-programmed mentality after marriage? Really?? You actually thought that? I would hope that you're brighter than that.
Apparently you have never been behind my husband when he’s ordering at a deli or drive thru. Torture. When he calls customer service about an issue, he tends to take 5 minutes to get to the point. Me, I get to the main point.
I wouldn’t speak for him at a doctor visit, because I’m sure how he answers is as important as what he answers.
He actually talked too much when I took him as a set of ears for my recent doctors visit, so next time, I’ll warn him not to talk for me. It works both ways.
Maybe those wives haven't railroaded their husbands. Maybe the men laid down their responsibility and refused to take care of details until the wife finally started doing it because if she didnt, no one else would and it was no longer worth the fights involved in trying to get him to do it ( whatever the chore is)
Right, when statistics show that married men live longer than single men, one of the factors is usually that the man's wife will prompt him to pay attention and advocate for his own health in a way that he might not do on his own.
Cherry picking stats.?
You are leaving out that statistically married women also live much longer than single women.
"In real numbers, “under the worse-case scenario,” single men could die about eight to 17 years earlier than their married male friends, says Roelfs, citing that nearly all of the data was gleaned from studies conducted in the last 60 years. Women don't fare much better. They could die seven to 15 years earlier than their married female counterparts."
They advocate for the husband health because men historically were the primary income earner in the family. Just like single men, single women aren't much of an advocate for themselves... People in general are better at taking care of each other than themselves when there is an investment in whatever the relationship is entails. "People" as in both genders. One case in point, medical personal... they are notoriously bad at taking care of themselves even though they are trained in health care.
This is similar to stats around infidelity. They found that infidelity among married women rises with those that are independent financially.
Having to add that the gutless souless drone was having his mother do his chores for him before he got married. It's not marriage that changed him because he didn't change.
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I would hope that you're brighter than that.
