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I have many times thought about hooking up with the girl I dated when I was 18. I did re-connect with her 20 years later, but she had been through some really rough relationships. I suspect at this time she is highly damaged. She is not the girl that I dated, that girl is gone.
The reason to the OPs question is that folks of 18 do not know what they want and make choices which they later regret or just dont work out.
If you both (at 18/19) know who you are inside, then you are less likely to send what are called 'mixed messages'. It means that you think you want something but it is not really what you want. Brain and heart dont agree.
Older people have been around and tried out some relationships. For example, I have tried the pretty looking girl who does not have any brains, who cannot discuss nuclear physics like I need my long-term partner to, and I have decided this relationship is not for me or for my future happiness.
They lack life experience, they want to date and explore what's out there, they're immature, they don't understand relationship dynamics and the ups and downs or aspects that make a relationship work, they don't quite know who they are and what they want beyond "he/she is cute and fun," they don't have good pickers (or don't choose partners with compatibility in mind), did I say they're immature and still figuring things out?
I was 18 when I met the guy I married later (at 22 yrs). We were together for over 13 years total. It took me that long to realize that he was a sociopathic dangerous nightmare of a man obsessed with himself and his outward image.
To answer you question - I think people at 18, especially those whose parents don't really give them a good idea of how relationships are supposed to work, are not equipped to choose an appropriate partner. What I should have done was break up with him the first time he exhibited abusive behavior, but I didn't know back then - because he scooped me up when I was 18, when I had virtually no experience of being with the opposite sex. It is through the experience of dating multiple people, seeing a variety of personalities, that will help a person to mature into a suitably selective mature adult - I didn't get that until after I divorced my husband, in my thirties.
Yep. My abusive marriage was from age 18-36. He was older (29 when we met.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
They lack life experience, they want to date and explore what's out there, they're immature, they don't understand relationship dynamics and the ups and downs or aspects that make a relationship work, they don't quite know who they are and what they want beyond "he/she is cute and fun," they don't have good pickers (or don't choose partners with compatibility in mind), did I say they're immature and still figuring things out?
Right??
At 18, I meet this guy, he's got more red flags than China and Russia combined and there I am like "Whee, what could go wrong?" The real problem, as I've stated in one of my more unpopular opinions about age differences, is that with the older guys, they always wanna be so serious. A person who is that young should not be having kids or making lifetime commitments. But older guy be like "Wow, she's young and hot, I'd better KEEP HER FOREVER!" Ugh. And then they have the nerve to be all surprised when a young woman grows up and becomes an adult and realizes she does not have to live in hell with this loser, that the mistakes of youth do not need to be a life sentence.
Harumph.
I've read some sciencey stuff that says the human brain is not done growing, maturing, until like around age 25, the prefrontal cortex, the part of your mind that is best able to evaluate long term concepts and cause and effect and so on. Your decision maker.
Also, it's hard to truly know yourself...what you need and want, what you like and don't like, who you really ARE...when you're young and inexperienced. That applies to all sorts of things. If you cannot be honest about who you are and what you need, because you don't know yet what that is, how on earth can you be honest with partners about these kinds of things? I had sexual needs...and by "needs" I mean, "I will not be in a fulfilling sexual relationship without this" NEEDS...that I did not even know I had until I was 36 years old. I had a number of partners before my ex, and was with my ex for 18 years, and yeah...that means that he and everyone before him, were not really fulfilling to me. I didn't even know what good sex was like. And if I hadn't gotten divorced, I'd have gone my entire life thinking that sex wasn't really that fun and I didn't really care if it happened or not. Kind of prefer it didn't, because I'd rather be sleeping.
I'd like to pop back in time and give my 18 year old self double middle fingers for making such awful choices. Idiot!
Precisely. Not everyone has long term prospects in mind.. they are just testing the waters and getting experience.
Yes. When I was a teen I wasn't thinking "maybe I'll marry this guy" when I went out on a date. I didn't even envision marrying my first love. I didn't want to "be married," I wanted to "be dating." I was just a kid.
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