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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Experiences aren't about the end result, and often sex doesn't end with orgasm at all (for some people).
It can simply be a stress release, to relax. People do it because they are on edge, not because they are horny. Lots of people do it right before going to bed to help relax and clear their mind.
It's also selfish. When a person is having a sex with another person, they have to (or should be) paying attention to their pleasure and their needs as much or probably more than their own. Masturbation on the other hand they can have that time to focus on their needs in that moment, selfishly.
They're completely different activities. Which is why most people don't find masturbation to be a substitute for having sex with another person. It's a very different experience and addresses different needs.
I know I'm not alone in this, but masturbation happens more for me when I am having more sex, because I am thinking about sex more or I'm more engaged with my physical self.
Thanks for your honest answer. This is similar to what he told me. He said that he generally did it 2 times a week during the time being single and about 1 a week or less after we started sleeping together. He also said that it happens when he feels horny, after a few days without sex, or if he wanted to relax and sleep better. He said that sometimes he did it while being single because he was feeling lonely and it made him feel a little. He also says that it has nothing to do with the women in pics. That the pics are just a way to do it, to finish faster.
When I am having a good sex life, I do feel a desire to get myself off more, too. But it's completely different. For me (woman) at least, when I am having actual sex, there will come a time where I feel "done" and I would like to stop, but my partner is often not yet ready to stop, so the activity keeps going, often to a point where I am exhausted. I was ready for a break like half an hour ago or more, but kept going for the sake of my partner.
If I'm doing solo things, I can be done doing that in five minutes. And then, since I am by myself, I am completely free to just lay in bed with my mind drifting off into pleasant euphoria. I usually take about a 20 minute nap then and wake up completely refreshed and feeling wonderful. I cannot do that with a partner.
And the more good sexual experiences I am having in my life, the more sexual I feel in general.
But the two things are not the same. One is not better or worse than the other...each satisfies me in completely different ways. For one thing, from birth, human beings NEED skin-to-skin touch with other human beings. It is good for our health. We need that, in very deep and primitive ways. It releases hormones in our brains that help us to bond with the ones we love. There have been experiments, studies, and writings about both baby humans and other primates regarding comfort-care that babies need to thrive. And there is a great deal of discussion about an element of "toxic masculinity" in our culture and others, where men are not getting enough non-sexual physical touch and comfort from anyone past a certain point in childhood. It is an interesting idea, to me, that aside from the drive to reproduce, men might crave a woman's love and companionship so intensely also because they have no loving touch from anybody since childhood when they got that (presumably) from their mothers. Female friends are more likely to show physical affection more generously to each other than male friends do. But I digress... The point is that sex with an actual human being gives that bonding and touch experience that is hugely important and possibly far more so than the orgasm, for most people. Especially those in loving relationships.
I'd say that looking at it this way... If the only reason that your partner wanted to have sex with you, was to achieve an orgasm, to the point that masturbation would be an acceptable substitute, then you don't really have much of a relationship. Fortunately for you and your man, that is NOT the case.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolas2021
Thanks for your honest answer. This is similar to what he told me. He said that he generally did it 2 times a week during the time being single and about 1 a week or less after we started sleeping together. He also said that it happens when he feels horny, after a few days without sex, or if he wanted to relax and sleep better. He said that sometimes he did it while being single because he was feeling lonely and it made him feel a little. He also says that it has nothing to do with the women in pics. That the pics are just a way to do it, to finish faster.
Makes 1000% sense to me. Complete sense. I'm often very much the same.
What I really hate is looking at other women. It awakens sth in me, makes really angry and hurt. I am not jealous of his hand, but I am jealous that he might be looking like that to other women. I told him that I understand that sex can be demanding, especially to.a man, so I don't mind taking off my clothes and give him a hand. I am even open to masturbating together, just without the porn. I don' t think it's healthy for anyone.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
Reputation: 40635
People, male and female, look at and fantasize about other women. Men and women they know, they don't know, and even some that never exist. You have to get a handle on that. Maybe even professional help with it. That type of jealousy is not healthy. You might as well get a handle on it, since its not going to stop with anyone. This isn't about you, and you are going to have to come to terms with that.
What I really hate is looking at other women. It awakens sth in me, makes really angry and hurt. I am not jealous of his hand, but I am jealous that he might be looking like that to other women. I told him that I understand that sex can be demanding, especially to.a man, so I don't mind taking off my clothes and give him a hand. I am even open to masturbating together, just without the porn. I don' t think it's healthy for anyone.
He can either actually cheat with someone, look at porn, or sexually fantasize about someone else without looking at porn, but it’s very unlikely that he’ll never do any of those things.
What I really hate is looking at other women. It awakens sth in me, makes really angry and hurt. I am not jealous of his hand, but I am jealous that he might be looking like that to other women.
People can look at other people and even think they are attractive and still love and be committed to you. That's what commitment is: the CHOICE to not sleep with other people because they choose to be with you.
You'll be more at peace if you understand that the existence of other attractive people on this earth does not diminish YOUR attractiveness or his love for you.
Jealousy is a "normal" emotion, but this kind of jealousy that you describe is the kind that is especially cruel because it's just you taking your own issues out on a partner.
This guy sounds like he's trying very hard to reassure you. Maybe make an extra therapy appointment ASAP.
I am a person, too. I notice people, as well. I am not blind and I don't expect him to be, but I don't start masturbating to that. As everybody suggests, I will see my therapist this week. Yet, I still don' t think porn and stuff like that are needed to have a happy life.
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