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Old 08-01-2018, 01:39 PM
 
Location: SoCal
14,530 posts, read 20,027,990 times
Reputation: 10539

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Quote:
Originally Posted by pacific_ocean View Post
Btw, I like LA (lived there for years). My friends are there, better jobs, better weather, better outdoor activities etc...

No, we've communicated this to death. She knows exactly how I feel, but she's dug her heels in.
You have what I call a structural problem. It's not her personality, it's not your personality, you have incompatible interests in where to live.

I've lived in Palm Springs ('bout 1-1/2 years), lived in San Diego (summers when I was younger, my cuz still lives there and I visit SD often), and "greater" L.A. (mostly S.F. Valley for me).

While I worked in Palm Springs I considered moving there, and was somewhat glad when my job petered out and I went back to SFV. While there in PS I often compared the weather with Las Vegas and Phoenix, and by the numbers the climates and forecasts were extremely similar. (I own property in PHX now and have spent a lot of time there too.)

I'd never move to a place like any of the desert cities I mentioned, for the same reason as you, Pacific. At the time my preferred workout was outdoor fast walking carrying weights. Clearly all of these cities often have summer nights where temperature minimums never reach a level compatible with outdoor exercise. (These days I've changed, and really like my L.A. Fitness.)

And jobs. I had a high tech job at a medical electronics company in PS and when that ended there just weren't any other high tech jobs in my field. I can fully understand that your career is being hurt in PS.

One person brought up the idea of San Diego as an alternative. Just no. It's no closer to PS than most of L.A. and if anything is more expensive. Of course the farther inland you go the lower the prices, but by the time you reach affordable you've also reached El Cajon or something, you don't get the beach influence that makes San Diego so popular.


I'm sorry to say but as I began, you have a structural problem in your marriage. The only way to change that is to do something about the structure. It may be that you and wife have reached an impasse. I hope not because if that's the case your only hope may be to decide to move anyway and hope your wife is shocked enough to relent and find a mutually acceptable locale.

I think when married people reach such an impasse they must both be willing to compromise, I think your wife should relent and find a place where you will both be happy.

 
Old 08-01-2018, 01:42 PM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,961,430 times
Reputation: 30752
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
Instead of getting an apartment in LA, I would be tempted to do the same thing in the San Diego area. The commute is about the same, but I would think the cost and air quality would be better.


You explained what she doesn't mind about Palm Desert, but what is it she likes about it?

Yeah...I was thinking the San Diego area as well. The weather is a LOT easier to take, and the air quality is good.
 
Old 08-01-2018, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Tricity, PL
61,370 posts, read 86,287,266 times
Reputation: 131145
Does she usually have "her way" in other aspects as well, not open to compromises?
 
Old 08-01-2018, 02:03 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,853 posts, read 35,044,864 times
Reputation: 22693
Quote:
Originally Posted by pacific_ocean View Post
My wife and I moved from L.A. to Palm Desert three years ago, and it hasn't turned out the way I expected.

We've been to the desert before on short vacations, but living here year-round is a miserable experience. I hate the summers. The heat is oppressive and relentless. I'm in the middle of my third summer here, and finally reached my breaking point the other day when it was 122 degrees.

I would like to move back to LA, but wife is happy here (she works from home, has a bigger social network, and doesn't mind the heat.). Anytime I bring up moving, it turns into a big argument. She wants to stay. We are in our late 30's, so I can't imagine living here the rest of my life.

I'm thinking of moving by myself, getting a small apartment in the city, and coming out to the desert on weekends. I really don't want to live apart from my wife, but how can I continue to live someplace where I absolutely despise the weather for half the year?

I'm less active here than I used to be, and I know it's affecting my physical and mental health. I don't like gyms, I like to exercise outdoors. And sorry, but I just don't feel like going for a run when it's 120 degrees outside.

I feel trapped. I didn't know what I was getting into and I didn't know how permanent it would be.

Any advice?
If her "social network" and small town traffic are more important to her than the happiness of her husband, I'd say you have a marriage problem. Better focus on that issue first and worry about where to live later.
 
Old 08-01-2018, 02:15 PM
 
Location: SoCal
14,530 posts, read 20,027,990 times
Reputation: 10539
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
Does she usually have "her way" in other aspects as well, not open to compromises?
You ask good questions.
 
Old 08-01-2018, 02:30 PM
 
28 posts, read 19,828 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovehound View Post
You have what I call a structural problem. It's not her personality, it's not your personality, you have incompatible interests in where to live.

I've lived in Palm Springs ('bout 1-1/2 years), lived in San Diego (summers when I was younger, my cuz still lives there and I visit SD often), and "greater" L.A. (mostly S.F. Valley for me).

While I worked in Palm Springs I considered moving there, and was somewhat glad when my job petered out and I went back to SFV. While there in PS I often compared the weather with Las Vegas and Phoenix, and by the numbers the climates and forecasts were extremely similar. (I own property in PHX now and have spent a lot of time there too.)

I'd never move to a place like any of the desert cities I mentioned, for the same reason as you, Pacific. At the time my preferred workout was outdoor fast walking carrying weights. Clearly all of these cities often have summer nights where temperature minimums never reach a level compatible with outdoor exercise. (These days I've changed, and really like my L.A. Fitness.)

And jobs. I had a high tech job at a medical electronics company in PS and when that ended there just weren't any other high tech jobs in my field. I can fully understand that your career is being hurt in PS.

One person brought up the idea of San Diego as an alternative. Just no. It's no closer to PS than most of L.A. and if anything is more expensive. Of course the farther inland you go the lower the prices, but by the time you reach affordable you've also reached El Cajon or something, you don't get the beach influence that makes San Diego so popular.


I'm sorry to say but as I began, you have a structural problem in your marriage. The only way to change that is to do something about the structure. It may be that you and wife have reached an impasse. I hope not because if that's the case your only hope may be to decide to move anyway and hope your wife is shocked enough to relent and find a mutually acceptable locale.

I think when married people reach such an impasse they must both be willing to compromise, I think your wife should relent and find a place where you will both be happy.

Thanks for the great response, it's helpful when you have first hand experience. The economy here is based on tourism and health care, and I don't have experience in those fields. Side note: I'm also sick of the shirtless, homeless, drifter types who are everywhere in the desert, but that's another issue.


This is mostly my fault, because I suggested we move here in the first place. I made the classic mistake "It's a great place to vacation, so let's move there!" It blew up in my face.
 
Old 08-01-2018, 02:36 PM
 
2,483 posts, read 2,463,114 times
Reputation: 3353
Quote:
Originally Posted by pacific_ocean View Post
I suggested we move here in the first place. I made the classic mistake "It's a great place to vacation, so let's move there!" It blew up in my face.
I'm with your wife on this one now. She went along with your suggestion, made a good life for herself (socially), and now she has to give it up because your sweaty?

I'm only being sarcastic to emphasize the point that she already compromised, now it's your turn.
 
Old 08-01-2018, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,685,303 times
Reputation: 98359
So I'll ask this again:

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
How do you two typically resolve other conflicts? This can't be the first time one of you has "dug in" your heels.
 
Old 08-01-2018, 02:40 PM
 
28 posts, read 19,828 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
I'm with your wife on this one now. She went along with your suggestion, made a good life for herself (socially), and now she has to give it up because your sweaty?

I'm only being sarcastic to emphasize the point that she already compromised, now it's your turn.

Yes, I take responsibility for getting us out here. However, my though was: if things don't work out, we can move back to the city. Not so fast...
 
Old 08-01-2018, 02:44 PM
 
28 posts, read 19,828 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
So I'll ask this again:


Quote:
How do you two typically resolve other conflicts? This can't be the first time one of you has "dug in" your heels.

We've been pretty good at resolving conflicts. Agreeing where to live has been the biggest source of stress for us, so far.
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