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My boyfriend and I are in a new LDR. He is abroad for a month and then after that he will be living 6 hours away from me. I found out that before he left to go abroad he cheated on me. He begged for my forgiveness and told me it was the biggest mistake of his life etc. I love him and I see a future with him and decided to give him a second chance. Now, he’s telling me he thinks he cheated because he’s scared of the LDR and has doubts. He’s afraid of being unhappy and just putting up with it because we love each other. He is feeling hopeless even though I’m planning on moving closer to him within the year. All of a sudden he doesn’t believe in us. He’s pulling away from me and idk if I should give him space. He hasn’t broken up with me yet and still tells me he loves me everyday but that’s about all he’s saying. I love him and want to make this work but I realized I’ve been trying to convince him that we’re worth it and I might be drowning him and pushing him further away. Should I give him space or will that only make things worse in this situation?
Sometimes I wonder if the advice I give is based on years of living, as opposed to what I would've done, when I was younger.
TODAY, at this place in my life, I would tell you to give him space, and don't contact him. And I'd be peeved. If the dude doesn't "believe in us", hey, I guess that means we're both free to explore our options!"
When I was younger, and dating my first husband, I remember one time, we were talking and he says something about maybe joining a riverboat crew, and he'd only be back like once every couple of months, or something like that.
He wanted to know what I thought about that. What I THOUGHT was "Hmmm. I guess we won't be seeing each other too much then." What I told him was "Do what you have to do." I knew that if he decided to go ahead and do his riverboat thing, it would be the end of 'us'. But if he was willing to walk away from 'us'...how am I supposed to stop him?
He ended up NOT joining the riverboat crew and we stayed together. Our relationship was often rocky though. Looking back, maybe it would've been better if he HAD joined that riverboat crew. lol
Yes, give him space. In fact, go ahead and tell him that you are not going to be "in a relationship" while he's gone so that he can relax and do what he wants because he's obviously never gonna get the guts to tell you that is what he really wants to do.
One thing for you to remember going forward: You don't want to be with someone you have to convince to stay. Your getting more clingy and desperate to hold onto him is never gonna convince a guy that you're worth loving. If anything it'll just make a guy who's thinking of leaving feel even more guilty about pulling the plug.
So the first time someone says they have "doubts," hear them out and then leave them alone. Trying to convince him to stay usually only pushes them further away.
My boyfriend and I are in a new LDR. He is abroad for a month and then after that he will be living 6 hours away from me. I found out that before he left to go abroad he cheated on me. He begged for my forgiveness and told me it was the biggest mistake of his life etc. I love him and I see a future with him and decided to give him a second chance. Now, he’s telling me he thinks he cheated because he’s scared of the LDR and has doubts. He’s afraid of being unhappy and just putting up with it because we love each other. He is feeling hopeless even though I’m planning on moving closer to him within the year. All of a sudden he doesn’t believe in us. He’s pulling away from me and idk if I should give him space. He hasn’t broken up with me yet and still tells me he loves me everyday but that’s about all he’s saying. I love him and want to make this work but I realized I’ve been trying to convince him that we’re worth it and I might be drowning him and pushing him further away. Should I give him space or will that only make things worse in this situation?
Everything the man is saying is lifted straight from the Bullsh*t Artists' Handbook. You'll find it in Chapter 12, titled How To Make Your Gullible S/O Believe Anything Through Evoking Sympathy.
Give him his space. More to the point, give yourself some space. Don't call him for a few days. Even better, don't call him for a few weeks. Best of all, don't call him ever.
From an outside perspective, it seems obvious to me that he is pushing your emotional buttons so you break up with him or just "give him space" so he can drift away into the past. He's trying to avoid confrontation and you crying and begging to take you back or whatever you might do.
What do you love about him? The fact that he cheated on you? The way he pushes you away? How he says he thinks he's going to be unhappy with you and just "put up with you" out of what... habit?
I didn't make past, "I found out that before he left to go abroad he cheated on me." I'd dump him, unless of course, you want a partner who lies to you and will betray you. He is only loyal to himself.
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