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Bones you may very well have found the key! Although that may apply to either spouse or may flip from one to the other in some relationships. Someone always has to be the fuel and the other the flame
Hard to say really. I've been married for only 2.5 years. Most of the time it's great. But yes, there are times where it's really really hard.
I guess the only thing I would say is turn toward each other, even when it's the other person that hurt you (and I'm NOT talking about physical abuse or something like that).
For example, when you get married you think, "Oh this person will never let me down/not be there for me/ etc" Well, that's just not true! So even though it hurts when he forgets Valentines Day, say what you have to say, then drop it. Then ask "How are you doing? Are you preoccupied these days?"
My husband and I met when we were 12 years old, dated in high school, lost contact during college and after graduation I came home for a few days to visit and then start my new job out of the country and I ran into him again.
We ran off and got married 3 months later.
We have been married 16 years and I guess the secret to our marriage is we laugh together. I can count how many times we have fought on one hand...probably because we look at each other and start cracking up.
We are very patient with one another, devoted to each other and our children, active as a couple in our community. We truly enjoy each others company. We are best friends.
We both have strong personalities but we love hearing what the other one has to say.
And we learn from our children everyday.
Oh, he also doesn't let his nasty parents and sisters get away with being ugly to me and the kids. I respect him for protecting us.
Awwwww, I need to go give him a big ole' kiss! I think I have a pretty good guy!
Married to the same person 43 1/2 years by the grace of God.
If he forgets to buy me a present when he should, I just go buy my own. It is the duty of all good wives to spend so much that their husbands know they cannot afford another wife. Something becomes more important when you pay a lot for it. LOL
when divorce rate is so high. Is it the faults of the singles that have an unrealistic expection of the "Perfect Mate"? Is is selfishness? Is it because we are too high-maintenace? Is it lack to commit? What is wrong with our generation? What is the secret to finding the right person and staying in one with happiness?
I would love to hear from those of you that have succeeded in this area. Please let me how long you have been married.
Having God be the center of your relationship, and you both having a close relationship with him. You can't be focused on yourself, you have to continually be wanting to meet and please your mate...bascially being completely un-selfish. I think both mates have to be dedicated to the Lord and serving him, this scripture sums it up:
Philippians 2:1-11
“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God; did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.â€
Nowadays people believe one has to be heads over heels in love to get married , that sexual passion will last forever, and at the slightest misunderstanding, they divorce . It's a receipt for failure.
I met my wife 16 years ago (we are not married actually, but live as a couple, and a very close one) and at the start I wasn't so much in love, I even thought our relationship wouldn't last long. But then I progressively realized that I had met my better half : she read my thoughts even before I opened my mouth..if that's not love, what is it ?
I realized we had much in common : background, hobbies, philosophy of life , experience of life (same generation); sex wasn't bad even if it wasn't the cement of our relationship : that's what I call mature love, with some bickerings of course (proof we don't sleep in our relationship).
Plus we have family to care for, I have a grown-up boy, she has a grown-up daughter (and she is now grandmother of a wonderful boy).
I think our relationship grew stronger and stronger with the years, and it's great!
Actually, the divorce rate has dropped somewhat. That being said, I think the chief problem in unsuccessful marriages is selfishness.
In other words, put the needs of your spouse before your own. And put the needs of your marriage before that of your spouse's. For you are giving up part of yourself to be part of something bigger and better.
Some other advice:
Don't marry exclusively for looks. Boobs sag and hairlines recede. I'm 45 now and I've seen a lot of women who were stunning beauties in their early 20s who have not been spared by time. I've seen a lot of strapping, handsome guys who look old before their time. Meanwhile, those who would not have gotten a second look in their early 20s have matured into very attractive persons. Because beautiful young people are accidents of nature, while beautiful middle-aged people are works of art.
Above all things, your spouse should be somebody that you can talk to about anything and everything. And your spouse should have a sense of humor about life. Because life has a way of playing tricks on you, and a sense of humor makes all the difference in the world in those situations. It's the difference between an ordeal and an adventure.
Make sure your spouse is a considerate person. I cannot emphasize this enough. Here's the acid test, heretofore known at the Waiter Test. After several dates, if you want to pursue matters, take this person to a very nice restaurant. Don't rush matters by scheduling a movie or a concert later. By the fourth or fifth date, you're both comfortable around each other. Now, watch very carefully to see how your date treats the waiter. Because in six months that's how he or she will be treating you. It's foolproof.
Your spouse, by marrying you, is leaving his or her family to create a new family. That means the needs of the two of you take absolute precedent over the needs of the in-laws. Now that doesn't mean that you don't step up in times of family crisis. It doesn't mean that you aren't engaged in the life of your spouse's family and vice versa. But if your mother's opinion matters more than your spouse's, then you've got big problems.
No separate checking accounts. Sorry. I know there's a school of thought that thinks it's okay. But if you're really thinking in terms of "my money" and "your money" rather than "our money," then you've already created a fissure in your marriage without realizing it. It's the equivalent of a toe in the water, rather than a willingness to immerse yourself in the total sharing that is a successful marriage. I've never seen a marriage with separate checking accounts last.
Money is very important. Sure, marriage is about love. But it's also about partnership, too. And there's nothing that puts greater strain on marriage than money problems. Make a budget, stick to it, and mutually agree to any purchases over a predetermined amount.
Be apart in your togetherness. You each have friends and hobbies and interests. Even the closest marriages need a little space, lest one feels suffocated by the other. Let your wife go to the movies or the beach with her friends. Let your husband have his monthly poker game with the boys. After all, your spouse was a complete person before you married him or her. Why would you cut him or her off from all the people and experiences that made them that way?
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Bones is absolutely right
Nowadays people believe one has to be heads over heels in love to get married , that sexual passion will last forever, and at the slightest misunderstanding, they divorce . It's a receipt for failure.
