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Old 04-01-2008, 01:53 AM
 
402 posts, read 955,289 times
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when divorce rate is so high. Is it the faults of the singles that have an unrealistic expection of the "Perfect Mate"? Is is selfishness? Is it because we are too high-maintenace? Is it lack to commit? What is wrong with our generation? What is the secret to finding the right person and staying in one with happiness?

I would love to hear from those of you that have succeeded in this area. Please let me how long you have been married.

Last edited by NYLifes2shrt; 04-01-2008 at 02:23 AM.. Reason: want to add something
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Old 04-01-2008, 06:59 AM
 
5,273 posts, read 12,921,667 times
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Marriage requires a deep commitment from both sides. It's about taking a genuine interest in each other from day 1 and continue to do so. It's also about forgiving one another when need be. It means that both have to be willing to submit once in a while and accepting each other's faults. Wanting the best for each other.

It's work, but fun work.
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Old 04-01-2008, 07:00 AM
 
Location: Fort Mill, SC
1,105 posts, read 4,260,988 times
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I think some of it is that people rush into marriage without really thinking about it. To sort of quote Dr. Phil (which I hate doing but he is really good with words), most people spend more time thinking about the actual wedding than they do the marriage.

I think that couples that last stay friends. They do things together, have fun together, etc. Most people it seems, once they have kids, stop doing all those things and then the friendship then the love just fizzles out.

I mean, can you imagine going 10+ years not doing anything without the kids then think about how many people you know that won't go out without the kids or it is very, very rarely and then it is for a party or just for a few hours for dinner, not quality time together.

I also think that couples that last believe it or not, have interests outside of each other (and it isn't lopsided - not just one spouse or the other).
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Old 04-01-2008, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Finger Lakes, NY
223 posts, read 926,873 times
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Let me begin with I've been married for 10 years, but we've hit our share of potholes and have just kept on trucking. I will admit that many of the potholes we fell into were because of me.

What is wrong with our generation? when divorce rate is so high. Is it the faults of the singles that have an unrealistic expection of the "Perfect Mate"? Is is selfishness? Is it because we are too high-maintenace? Is it lack to commit?

I am a female and in today's society our gender roles have changed dramatically in comparison to my grandparents' generation. We live in a society and time where females are just as likely as males to have an impact on decisions in a relationship. And we are now almost expected to be able to be independent in a relationship or on our own. I think there are a lot of guys who like an independent female ... my hubby is one of them. My sister can't keep a BF for more than 6 months because it drives the guys nutty when she can't make a decision on her own and is highly dependent on them for the answers and to walk her through life. They hate that, but 50+ years ago the female and male had a set roles and the male made the decisions. Times are changing, and I believe this extra independence is part of the problem. It's just an opinion though. And it's too easy to just throw in the towel and say I give up and go out and file for a divorce ... aw heck, you can print the forms up from on-line now (I think), divorce is just a click away.

What is the secret to finding the right person and staying in one with happiness?

How we met is funny ... it was a college party and he was drunk drunk drunk. That was our first meet ... then came soccer practice (I practiced on both the female and male teams ... I'm a soccer fanatic, but that's another story) and we really started to hang out a lot and do everything together. Finding the right person in my opinion is meeting them doing something you absolutely love because more than likely that other person does too and later you can continue to enjoy it together. We still play soccer in competitive leagues and then also have joined co-ed soccer teams so we could play together. We have two kids and they join us at these leagues and my hubby and I coach multiple soccer teams each year together also. By involving kids into the picture EVERYBODY can spend some really fun time together. Our girls are in a very competitive soccer league (we took a break from coaching them during the winter) and instead of sitting around watching we go out to a bar and get some alone time. My hubby and I haven't had the perfect marriage ... if there is such a thing ... but communication is key. We argue, we bicker, we turn our backs to each other and maybe fumed enough to walk away from each other. When we are cooled off we talk, laugh, drink a glass of good red wine, and end with sex.

I'll be curious to read more responses.
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Old 04-01-2008, 07:59 AM
 
2,015 posts, read 4,784,706 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYLifes2shrt View Post
when divorce rate is so high. Is it the faults of the singles that have an unrealistic expection of the "Perfect Mate"? Is is selfishness? Is it because we are too high-maintenace? Is it lack to commit? What is wrong with our generation? What is the secret to finding the right person and staying in one with happiness?

I would love to hear from those of you that have succeeded in this area. Please let me how long you have been married.
I've been married almost 25 years. We got married when I was 20, my husband was 22. We have a large family aged 24 to age 6. I don't think there's a secret. The first secret is marrying someone for the right reason. If you go into a marriage for the wrong reason(s), it's not going to work. If you marry someone because of their money, their car, their status, or because you're pregnant, it's most likely not going to work. Marriage cannot be forced if it's to last. The old adage: "A man (woman) convinced against his/her will is of the same opinion still" comes to mind. No one can be convinced to stay with someone or make something work if it's not there. Meatloaf's song "Two out of Three Aint Bad" comes to mind.

Secondly, people change, grow, and mature. They change emotionally, mentally, and physically. Some people can't deal with that. Changes have to be made constantly, adaptations have to be made. There are some people that don't want change or can't accept change.

Some people aren't flexible in their thoughts and/or beliefs. There are those that are ingrained with old stereotypes (values, for the politically correct) that a woman needs to stay at home or that the husband must go out and be the breadwinner. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work perfectly to support these codes. Sometimes the wife has to go out and work and the husband has to stay home, or they both have to go out and work. Sometimes, the stress of all of this is too much for people to handle.

People have to stay committed and not cheat.

People have to stay loyal to their spouse versus their extended family. I know in-laws that make life a living hell for daughter-in-law or son-in-law. I know families that are simply toxic and they bring down everyone around them as they can't stand anyone to be happy if they're miserable. Woe to those that have those type situations to deal with. I think that marriages can break up due to this kind of stress.

Finally, there are some marriages that are deeply impacted by things like death or sickness of a child, one of the spouses, or any other myriad of things that just profoundly change lives forever. These are the toughest, I'm sure. These are situations that professional intervention is needed because there's just so much to bear, so much to learn to deal with.

One of my friends, a very successful pyschologist who has been in practice for 30+ years, told me that the number one reasons he sees people in his office is due to financial stress. I do agree that financial stress is very, very detrimental to a marriage.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with this generation; I think that this generation is independent (and capable of supporting one's own self) and is not willing to put up with a lot of the cr*p that the older generations put up with in order to put up a "front" of a perfect or even good marriage.

On the other hand, I do sense a bit of the "me, me, me" attitude. I see that from my own nieces and nephews that are in their mid to late 20's (I'm 45). I'm not saying that it's totally bad, I'm just saying that I see it a bit and it probably does affect the way that they see relationships and maybe even marriage.

Truthfully, I don't have all the answers. For me, it goes back to finding the right person to begin with. You better make sure that you love him/her completely because if you don't, it will only get worse, not better. Marriage tests the most loving couples, much less those that are hanging by a thread to begin with.
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Old 04-01-2008, 08:34 AM
 
Location: Wishing It Was Wisconsin
534 posts, read 1,465,173 times
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The secret to our successful marriage, compatibilty. We knew we were right for each other on our first date. We went out for pizza and discovered we liked the exact same toppings.We like the same food, movies, music, vacation spots, activities. He was 17(yeah I know), I was 20, 2 weeks before my 21st birthday when we met. Age never ever entered our minds. He treated me better at the age of 17 then any guy my age treated me. We dated a loonnnngggg time, 7 years. We have been happily married for 10 years. We never lived together before we were married. We learned so much about each other in those 7 years we dated. We have respect for each other and always have. We never hurt each other, we don't even argue. We tell each other how lucky we are to have found each other all the time.
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Old 04-01-2008, 08:42 AM
 
4,899 posts, read 17,025,163 times
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i think that years ago, people got married before knowing eachother in any way other than superficially. sometimes they met and married after weeks.
they learned about each other after they were married. some were happy, some were not. but they ALL stuck to it because divorce was just not common or expected.
today people are together for years, wether linving together or apart, before they get married. they are not as willing to stcik with it because they feel: why should they be miserable, this was just a mistake, etc... and so they divorce.
JMO
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Old 04-01-2008, 08:50 AM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,258 posts, read 13,287,822 times
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Well, knew each other 3 months before we got married, hum, been married for 24 years, we were 20 and 23, hum pretty young, coming out of the military, broke as a joke, hum, he was catholic, I was Baptist, hum that should have been a disaster, I have no idea why we have made it. The only advice I can give is marry your friend and keep them as your friend. You do not ditch your friend when you have plans or forget their birthday. You want to do nice things for your friend because they make you feel special. I hear many women say such nasty things about their husbands. You just do not get the feeling of friendship there. I think in the old days spouses were so dependant on one another to feed the family or work the farm they did not take one another for granted. Now there are very specific deal breakers in our marriage, and I drew the line in the sand early on. Other than that it has been fun growing up and older together. Let the perspective hubby see you with no make up and not at your best occasionaly. You may find a keeper. Also put a damper on the material things in life. They get in the way sometimes. Good luck
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Old 04-01-2008, 08:55 AM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,258 posts, read 13,287,822 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findinghope View Post
i think that years ago, people got married before knowing eachother in any way other than superficially. sometimes they met and married after weeks.
they learned about each other after they were married. some were happy, some were not. but they ALL stuck to it because divorce was just not common or expected.
today people are together for years, wether linving together or apart, before they get married. they are not as willing to stcik with it because they feel: why should they be miserable, this was just a mistake, etc... and so they divorce.
JMO
I read your post after finishing with mine and I think you have a valid point. Unless it is something you cannot live with, infidelity, drugs, drink, many people are just plain unhappy and think the grass is greener on the other side. I find when I am frustrated I find another outlet for myself and the water in the glass will smooth out on its own. each is responsibe for their own path.

Last edited by Mt-7; 04-01-2008 at 08:59 AM.. Reason: the daschund in my lap tried to type!
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Old 04-01-2008, 09:45 AM
 
Location: On the plateau, TN
15,208 posts, read 10,927,692 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET View Post
Marriage requires a deep commitment from both sides. It's about taking a genuine interest in each other from day 1 and continue to do so. It's also about forgiving one another when need be. It means that both have to be willing to submit once in a while and accepting each other's faults. Wanting the best for each other.

It's work, but fun work.
I was a quick learner in the beginning stages of our marriage, "she is always right", even when she's wrong.....

Married over 45 years, a lot of give and take, work together...
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