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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Left-handed
I've been contemplating with my fiancee whether or not I should attend her wedding if or when it does happen. While she'll be in ours, I find it difficult to go in support of a relationship I don't agree with. Do you think this is this bad form? How do you congratulate someone on something like this?
Yes, this is bad form. Congratulate and hope for the best, it isn't about you.
If you think you're going to have a positive impact on the situation by NOT going, you are incorrect.
I can't count the number of times I've heard people say "I can't support a relationship I don't agree with" for a myriad of reasons. Not once has anything positive come from it. Many times negatives have come from it.
Yes, this is bad form. Congratulate and hope for the best, it isn't about you.
If you think you're going to have a positive impact on the situation by NOT going, you are incorrect.
I can't count the number of times I've heard people say "I can't support a relationship I don't agree with" for a myriad of reasons. Not once has anything positive come from it. Many times negatives have come from it.
Yeah, I definitely never assumed anything positive would come of it. It would be a definitive end to the relationship. And while that would be most unfortunate, this friend is not the same person she was when I met her nearly 10 years ago. Perhaps it is getting to the point now where I don't want a relationship with this new person.
Yes, this is bad form. Congratulate and hope for the best, it isn't about you.
If you think you're going to have a positive impact on the situation by NOT going, you are incorrect.
I can't count the number of times I've heard people say "I can't support a relationship I don't agree with" for a myriad of reasons. Not once has anything positive come from it. Many times negatives have come from it.
Have you had friends get out of those bad relationships? I have friends where I say “I don’t support the relationship, but I support YOU, 100%.” I know I had one friend who said she wished more people had told her how they felt about her relationship while she was in it. She’s now happily divorced and in a much healthier relationship as her husband was mentally abusive and I think occasionally physically abusive. I am sorry, but I am not going to support an abusive relationship. However, I always made it clear that I supported her and if she decided she wasn’t ready to leave, I would be there for her.
Have you had friends get out of those bad relationships? I have friends where I say “I don’t support the relationship, but I support YOU, 100%.” I know I had one friend who said she wished more people had told her how they felt about her relationship while she was in it. She’s now happily divorced and in a much healthier relationship as her husband was mentally abusive and I think occasionally physically abusive. I am sorry, but I am not going to support an abusive relationship. However, I always made it clear that I supported her and if she decided she wasn’t ready to leave, I would be there for her.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict
Have you had friends get out of those bad relationships? I have friends where I say “I don’t support the relationship, but I support YOU, 100%.” I know I had one friend who said she wished more people had told her how they felt about her relationship while she was in it. She’s now happily divorced and in a much healthier relationship as her husband was mentally abusive and I think occasionally physically abusive. I am sorry, but I am not going to support an abusive relationship. However, I always made it clear that I supported her and if she decided she wasn’t ready to leave, I would be there for her.
Yes, several times, and I'm thankful I kept the channels of communication open.
I've been the person in the bad relationship as well.
Yes, several times, and I'm thankful I kept the channels of communication open.
I've been the person in the bad relationship as well.
What would you have wanted your friends to do or say prior to the ultimate demise of that relationship? Would you have wanted them to speak up?
I just don't know how to handle this with her. While I miss my old friend, this new version of her is something I want to avoid most of the time. Especially when her fiancee is around; she is 10x worse (cocky, unempathetic, smug; very much like him). At one point earlier in the year, this once progressive, open-minded girl who wanted to improve the world told me, "Poor, black people bring down the value of our neighborhood". That most definitely was not her own viewpoint, that was his coming out of her mouth. Ten years ago, she'd have lambasted you for saying something like that; she used to lecture people for using the term 'retarded'. When it's just her, there is still some semblance of her old self, but it seems to fade as each day passes.
As RamenAddict said above, I want to support her 100%, but I don't support the relationship she is in.
Last edited by Left-handed; 08-10-2018 at 08:22 AM..
Boy, is she going to regret this, once she wakes up, the first morning of her honeymoon. I can't bear to watch.
THIS...I have heard stories regarding the very NIGHT of the wedding (wedding night), that the new spouse would go from Jeckle to Hyde in moments. I heard of one woman saying, "Okay, we're married now, so...no more sex!"
I thought the guy telling me this was joking...he was not.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Left-handed
What would you have wanted your friends to do or say prior to the ultimate demise of that relationship? Would you have wanted them to speak up?
Speak up how? Speak up saying they care about me? Yes. Speak up saying I think this relationship is unhealthy (etc), then no, it wouldn't have done any good and it would have just alienated me.
What would you have wanted your friends to do or say prior to the ultimate demise of that relationship? Would you have wanted them to speak up?
I just don't know how to handle this with her. While I miss my old friend, this new version of her is something I want to avoid most of the time. Especially when her fiancee is around; she is 10x worse (cocky, unempathetic, smug; very much like him). At one point earlier in the year, this once progressive, open-minded girl who wanted to improve the world told me, "Poor, black people bring down the value of our neighborhood". That most definitely was not her own viewpoint, that was his coming out of her mouth. When it's just her, there is still some semblance of her old self.
As RamenAddict said above, I want to support her 100%, but I don't support the relationship she is in.
Left-handed, for what it's worth, my friend and I had quite a few discussions re his "new life," which was hard on both of us but productive because we expressed our feelings. I think it's worth talking with your friend before you exit the relationship.
Personally, I would not have a friend or be around people who made the above statement in bold. Complete deal breaker for me. Disgusting comment.
Left-handed, for what it's worth, my friend and I had quite a few discussions re his "new life," which was hard on both of us but productive because we expressed our feelings. I think it's worth talking with your friend before you exit the relationship.
Personally, I would not have a friend or be around people who made the above statement in bold. Complete deal breaker for me. Disgusting comment.
Wow....just wow. From a sweet heart to a bigot. Never thought someone let themselves go down that rabbit hole. I'd sever ties with her at this point. I've done with the same when it came to other friends...when they either changed for the worst or revealed their true colors.
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