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That is not a relationship worth keeping, in my opinion. Had my friend EVER made those types of comments, they would have been the last made to me. I'd sever ties right then, no question.
Re bolded above, those "awful traits" can only be received and adopted by a willing recipient. She is no "victim" to him or in this. Unless she "lacks capacity to consent," she has made a conscience choice to ascribe to and promote those disgusting values, beliefs and morals. THAT is who she is.
She's no victim. She IS getting something out of this--a man to "complete" her life. Foolish and misguided. There is no redemption for those who do not seek it. Until she does, step away. You are the company you choose to keep.
I agree. It's deplorable, and she has willfully entered into it. It's a shame, because she is academically smart. She did her undergrad at GWU, and Master's at UChicago. She understands a lot about this world other than what is right beneath her nose.
My fiancee argues that maybe we need to stick around in order to be there for her when the cards tumble. But in my opinion, if she's turning a blind eye to it now, then what makes you think the cards are ever going to tumble?
At this point, I feel like we are strapped until after the wedding. There's no way we're going to find another person who'll be able to fill in on such short notice.
You, Left-handed, are not obligated to be around racists. Take a stand because it speaks to who you are as a person.
It's something I'd have to talk to my fiancee about. But truth be told, I don't think that's going to happen. I'm not going to throw a wrench into our big day just because she's decided to be engaged with trash.
- She’s changed for the worst
- She’s not the same person I knew
If you’re saying things like this, you should listen to your gut and move on. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong in this situation. If that’s how you feel that’s how you feel.
I agree. It's deplorable, and she has willfully entered into it. It's a shame, because she is academically smart. She did her undergrad at GWU, and Master's at UChicago. She understands a lot about this world other than what is right beneath her nose.
My fiancee argues that maybe we need to stick around in order to be there for her when the cards tumble. But in my opinion, if she's turning a blind eye to it now, then what makes you think the cards are ever going to tumble?
At this point, I feel like we are strapped until after the wedding. There's no way we're going to find another person who'll be able to fill in on such short notice.
No, you don't. You can be there for her if and when she reverts back to her other self, you know, the one who shares your beliefs, values and morals. That one. IMO, you are tacitly approving of her racists dogma and views if you do not stand against them. (Sorry if I'm harsh there.)
It's something I'd have to talk to my fiancee about. But truth be told, I don't think that's going to happen. I'm not going to throw a wrench into our big day just because she's decided to be engaged with trash.
If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Do what's right (per what you say your values and morals are), not what is convenient. Typically, the "right thing" is not the convenient thing for those who strike the path.
She's not just "engaged" with trash; that's side-stepping the issue. She is or has become trash herself by willingly and voluntarily ascribing to and spewing racist dogma. It's not outside of her--the boyfriend; it's inside of her--who she IS. Again, she's not an innocent victim; she IS a willing participant.
If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Do what's right (per what you say your values and morals are), not what is convenient. Typically, the "right thing" is not the convenient thing for those who strike the path.
She's not just "engaged" with trash; that's side-stepping the issue. She is or has become trash herself by willingly and voluntarily ascribing to and spewing racist dogma. It's not outside of her--the boyfriend; it's inside of her--who she IS. Again, she's not an innocent victim; she IS a willing participant.
There's a lot of truth in this. Like the old saying goes, "They're not the person they once were." Maybe she was once but not anymore. OP, your previous image of her is keeping you from seeing who she is now. Nobody can make you do anything or change you. Only YOU can change YOU. If you want no parts in this anymore, you're going to have to be honest with yourself. Let go.
There's a lot of truth in this. Like the old saying goes, "They're not the person they once were." Maybe she was once but not anymore. OP, your previous image of her is keeping you from seeing who she is now. Nobody can make you do anything or change you. Only YOU can change YOU. If you want no parts in this anymore, you're going to have to be honest with yourself. Let go.
Well, ya'll gotta bear with me here. You're seeing this through a particular scope, and I'm seeing it through a different, more expansive scope. I have a lot more data than you, and a lot more at stake, so this isn't as simple as nixing a nobody whom I barely know. This relationship is nearly a decade old. There's a lot to figure out, and like I said, discuss with my own fiancee since this also impacts her.
Well, ya'll gotta bare with me here. You're seeing this through a particular scope, and I'm seeing it through a different, more expansive scope. I have a lot more data than you, and a lot more at stake, so this isn't as simple as nixing a nobody whom I barely know. This relationship is nearly a decade old. There's a lot to figure out, and like I said, discuss with my own fiancee since this also impacts her.
Then was there really a point in asking? Not trying to be rude but it's a little frustrating when you ask for advice and then you dismiss it anytime someone gives you a different view point. If you have all the info you need, handle it. No advice needed.
Then was there really a point in asking? Not trying to be rude but it's a little frustrating when you ask for advice and then you dismiss it anytime someone gives you a different view point. If you have all the info you need, handle it. No advice needed.
Don't take it the wrong way. I'm not discounting anything anyone here has said. But the reality of this is that it's going to be a process. I need to talk to my fiancee, because this impacts her, too. Not only because of the wedding, but she has befriended my friend. Hence, we are deeply invested in this together.
This isn't a simple light switch that we can switch on and off. If this were some joker I met last week at a Meetup, then it would no problem cutting them completely out of my life. But this is a 10 year old relationship, and it's not just me that will deal with the repercussions. I think that being in a romantic relationship with a partner means talking things through with them and figuring it out as a couple. So because of that, I need to discuss with my fiancee. But I appreciate all of your passion and insights. I feel similarly, it's just that this is real life to me, not just some random forum discussion with no consequences.
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) position or function at your wedding? No one who is worth considering the opinion of. Just tell your guests, "Hey, my lovely fiancé and I decided to nix a party of the wedding because she is spewing racist cr*p." Hopefully, they will all cheer. 
