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Just to follow up on my previous posts, quick recap: I've met a quality man about three to four months ago. We had great chemistry and got intimate quite fast but the rest of the relationship was progressing at a slower pace. However, he had followed through with all the gestures of introducing me to his friends and his family, buying me gifts, consistently checking in and initiating dates, and being there for me when I was sick. However, there was no mention of exclusivity yet and when I finally had the conversation, he agreed to exclusively date, but not before having some hesitant and disturbed moments where he felt "shocked" that I was bringing up such a conversation. Whenever it comes to topics of communication or something personal, he says he wants to take it slow and make things happen naturally. But It's not that I'm even pushing it. Even the smallest things like asking about a family member politely and casually, he gets defensive and becomes distant.
I admire him a lot as a person and appreciate all the things he does for me. However, I feel like the conversations are too superficial. Once in a while, he does share something personal but it quickly goes back to casual talk. He no longer asks me questions about myself and it makes me wonder if it's because we became intimate very fast.
It's all too confusing me for me because he's basically acting like a boyfriend and yet reluctant to communicate like one (or make progress to open up). I understand and respect that he can take his own pace and not rush into relationships, but it confuses me when he shows through his actions that he's moving forward. For example, last week, he took me to meet his family again, this time BOTH of his parents. He also brought me to another friends gathering and brought more thoughtful gifts for me and even helped out my sister by giving her a ride. However, back during our own datenight, the relationship still seems like it's at an "early stage," sometimes fun, sometimes awkward.
It all sounds like I should be "patient" but it bothers me that he has problems opening up to me. I'm not even talking about deep conversations about his past. Even just for normal date night talks like talking about our interests, sometimes he is very attentive but other times he seems distant. However, his actions continue to be consistent and even showing more affectionate gestures, yet his attitude says otherwise and he avoids eye contact a lot.
What should I make of this situation? Am I just being paranoid/insecure for no reason? Is he serious about me but just has his own issues or does it seem like he's not sure about me? (He did have a rough past from the few things he did tell me) If he's not sure, why go through all the relationship gestures?
And just a general question for the men: when do you feel like you can open up to someone in a new relationship? What creates that trustworthy, safe space for you?
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that? He sounds pretty shady.
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Yes, the family issue has been resolved as I found a logical way to open up to him and he was helpful. However, he still seems extremely uncomfortable opening up about himself. I think he may just have a fear of oversharing but I can't tell if he's just upset at the pressure or if he's actually hiding something. He's never very clear or expressive. I believe we are exclusive from that conversation as well as other small references and indications, but never know for sure.
It's not that he is not opening up, it's that he is secretive.
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Oh but one thing I did observe was that he acts the same way with his parents as well about the opening up thing. When hes asked an uncomfortable questions, he completely shuts down.
Oh but one thing I did observe was that he acts the same way with his parents as well about the opening up thing. When hes asked an uncomfortable questions, he completely shuts down.
This ^^^ is not desirable behavior in a romantic partner. You will have a long, difficult life if you stay with him.
He sounds like my ex, except the relationship status thing, we were exclusive from the start. He would be super attentive, sweet, called me all the time, took me on trips, gave gifts etc etc. basically checked all the boxes that made him a "good husband". It never bothered me in the beginning as i was a total type A and always dominated the conversations. He did talk about his childhood and memories but it was never anything deep.
It was after we married that i noticed i would have to pull teeth to get him to open up. He was the same with his parents too, everyone was "close" but they never talked about anything deep, he never called them to talk or shared anything with them, he simply said this was always how he was. His brother on the other hand called his parents every day and they knew every detail of his life.
This actually became a huge issue, anytime i wanted his opinion on something, he didn't have one, when i had trouble adjusting to parenthood, he didnt know how to be supportive, whenever we had to have a tough conversation he would shut down completely until i got mad and fell asleep waiting for him to respond, i had to get used to making all the decisions by myself. Eventually i dragged him to couples counselling but it didnt work, finally as we went through the divorce process he started to talk a little more and opened up about his anxiety and fears, by than it was too late for us and i encouraged him to let his family in. He didnt of course. Instead he found a new girl to woo down the aisle, he is playing the same doting partner role and shes swept up by it.
Some people don't live or pretend to live overly complicated lives. Everyone doesn't have a million "deep stories" or have"deep opinions" on everything. Maybe it could be you over think.
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