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Old 09-24-2018, 03:17 AM
 
5 posts, read 27,255 times
Reputation: 20

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Ok so long story but I’m gonna be honest on both sides.

I have been dating a guy for 10months now. We mesh well and day to day life is great.
But
About a month into our relationship he logged his GMail account into my phone and forgot to log out. I realized this after I had looked up something I wasn’t ready to share. I went to delete the history and found several search histories for escorts on Craigslist and “male seeking trans-woman” kinda stuff. Let me be clear. I don’t care if he’s into trans-women. I have my own sexual proclivities that people could judge me on. It was the looking for escorts in his area. Originally of course he denied it, “account got hacked”, then “everyone has their dirty little secrets.” Finally after 2 days I was able to get a straight answer.
I think. He said it was an addiction he’s had for years and he dosnt contact anyone he “just reads the stories.” I took him at his word that he did not actually contact anyone, but laid down that that’s a NO. Porn, cool. This, NO

And another disclosure, he has been with a prostitute once before a year before we got together. He said it was a bad experience and he wouldn’t do it again. We had this talk and moved forward (I really had no problem with this, everyone has a history)

Since then, I’d brought up the subject looking for reassurance that he is not doing anything. He would try to change the conversation because “he’s not proud of himself and he dosnt like to bring it up. Also, the first night he got caught, he changed his password and the fact was never brought up again.

I havnt really recovered. I was cheated on in my previous relationship and the extra blow to my ego made things get worse and worse for me. Also he never complimented me until I pointed it out. He shows love in other ways physically (hugs, kisses, other intimacy, and great sex) but he dosnt make me feel good about myself. I’ll admit it could just be me because in my head I’m now trying to compete with escorts and fantasy. So I have lost all of my confidence.

Fast forward, 10months in. I’ve given in to my depression. We havnt had sex in a week. I got up in the middle of the night to go lay on the couch for some space. Then came back into the room to tell him I needed some space (we recently moved in together). We fought about how he said he has been trying to make things right but he dosnt know what to do. And I’m not feeling any better in this relationship about myself and this problem. I gave up and said I don’t care what he does and I won’t try to check his stuff again (not that I had since the first discretion, I’m not a babysitter, and he didn’t hide where he was Ever). The next few days he said he’d keep trying and was reassuring me that he hadn’t been to thoes sites since he initially got caught.
Yesterday while using his phone (with permission, but yeah I snooped) I found that night I said I wouldn’t check his phone anymore, he had looked up an escort website (to be fair it wasn’t in our area, like last time).
I confronted him and he said again that he is just looking at the ads. While we were fighting he said “I thought you were gonna break up with me” as his reason for looking at the ads again.
Another piece of info that’s bugging me. I had been laying in bed from a night of crying. He excused himself to the bathroom, I later found out he was looking at porn, again no issue) but then he came and was trying to get me in the mood. Not a lot, but notibly more forcefully than normal. He said he had been worked up for days (since he looked up the ads). I was obviously not in the mood for sex. He later apologized for trying to force it.

He says he loves me and wants to fix our relationship. I genuinely believes that he has thoes feelings. But idk if he loves me in the healthy way, where you want to suppprt and put your partner above all. Or he wants me in his life because he loves me selfishly..if that makes sense.
So...Help
Guy’s opinion-Does this sound like an addiction or is it BS?
If it is, is he untrustworthy and could keep on lying, or just not ready to deal with/fully admit and deal with a problem?
We have a lot of happiness we share together, but this is obviously a big problem. Is this relationship worth sparing?
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Old 09-24-2018, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,558,485 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore View Post
Ok so long story but I’m gonna be honest on both sides.

I have been dating a guy for 10months now. We mesh well and day to day life is great.
But
About a month into our relationship he logged his GMail account into my phone and forgot to log out. I realized this after I had looked up something I wasn’t ready to share. I went to delete the history and found several search histories for escorts on Craigslist and “male seeking trans-woman” kinda stuff. Let me be clear. I don’t care if he’s into trans-women. I have my own sexual proclivities that people could judge me on. It was the looking for escorts in his area. Originally of course he denied it, “account got hacked”, then “everyone has their dirty little secrets.” Finally after 2 days I was able to get a straight answer.
I think. He said it was an addiction he’s had for years and he dosnt contact anyone he “just reads the stories.” I took him at his word that he did not actually contact anyone, but laid down that that’s a NO. Porn, cool. This, NO

And another disclosure, he has been with a prostitute once before a year before we got together. He said it was a bad experience and he wouldn’t do it again. We had this talk and moved forward (I really had no problem with this, everyone has a history)

Since then, I’d brought up the subject looking for reassurance that he is not doing anything. He would try to change the conversation because “he’s not proud of himself and he dosnt like to bring it up. Also, the first night he got caught, he changed his password and the fact was never brought up again.

I havnt really recovered. I was cheated on in my previous relationship and the extra blow to my ego made things get worse and worse for me. Also he never complimented me until I pointed it out. He shows love in other ways physically (hugs, kisses, other intimacy, and great sex) but he dosnt make me feel good about myself. I’ll admit it could just be me because in my head I’m now trying to compete with escorts and fantasy. So I have lost all of my confidence.

Fast forward, 10months in. I’ve given in to my depression. We havnt had sex in a week. I got up in the middle of the night to go lay on the couch for some space. Then came back into the room to tell him I needed some space (we recently moved in together). We fought about how he said he has been trying to make things right but he dosnt know what to do. And I’m not feeling any better in this relationship about myself and this problem. I gave up and said I don’t care what he does and I won’t try to check his stuff again (not that I had since the first discretion, I’m not a babysitter, and he didn’t hide where he was Ever). The next few days he said he’d keep trying and was reassuring me that he hadn’t been to thoes sites since he initially got caught.
Yesterday while using his phone (with permission, but yeah I snooped) I found that night I said I wouldn’t check his phone anymore, he had looked up an escort website (to be fair it wasn’t in our area, like last time).
I confronted him and he said again that he is just looking at the ads. While we were fighting he said “I thought you were gonna break up with me” as his reason for looking at the ads again.
Another piece of info that’s bugging me. I had been laying in bed from a night of crying. He excused himself to the bathroom, I later found out he was looking at porn, again no issue) but then he came and was trying to get me in the mood. Not a lot, but notibly more forcefully than normal. He said he had been worked up for days (since he looked up the ads). I was obviously not in the mood for sex. He later apologized for trying to force it.

He says he loves me and wants to fix our relationship. I genuinely believes that he has thoes feelings. But idk if he loves me in the healthy way, where you want to suppprt and put your partner above all. Or he wants me in his life because he loves me selfishly..if that makes sense.
So...Help
Guy’s opinion-Does this sound like an addiction or is it BS?
If it is, is he untrustworthy and could keep on lying, or just not ready to deal with/fully admit and deal with a problem?
We have a lot of happiness we share together, but this is obviously a big problem. Is this relationship worth sparing?
Is he untrustworthy?

Well, that doesn't matter because you don't trust him, regardless. That's obvious from YOUR behavior.

I'm not sure why y'all moved in together. I do think that was a mistake. It's pretty clear that he is not being open and honest with you, and you are not either since you are still snooping. You seem to be caught in a cycle of distrust that, I will be honest with you, is VERY hard to break out of.

Frankly I don't see a happy outcome for the two of you. But I think the biggest red flag that stood out to me in this post has nothing to do with him. It's when you said this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore View Post
...he dosnt make me feel good about myself.
No one can do that. No one can make you feel good about yourself. That's YOUR job. If you don't fix that, you won't have a healthy relationship with anyone.
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Old 09-24-2018, 07:04 AM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,195,160 times
Reputation: 22680
Lol! First time post.

He's been with prostitutes & is still looking at escorts. And the question is again?
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Old 09-24-2018, 07:26 AM
 
5 posts, read 27,255 times
Reputation: 20
Dang came in hard right away. I appreciate that tho. I will admit I am stubborn and not at all a forgiving person when someone has done me wrong. It’s a one and done for me. But that’s why I came to this site. I wanted an unbiased opinion of Everything. Including myself.
He lies but is not completely untrustworthy if that makes sense. He has never given me a reason, nor do I have the thought that he was anywhere other than where he said he was. But he has lied in the same day he was on an escort site about it. Reading you reply it sounds like I’m the crazy one, which I may well be. I’m which case, what is my issue? And is it a real issue or am a making a lot of nothing?

As for the comment on myself. I didn’t include that at the beginning of the relationship he wouldn’t not only not compliment me. But he would point out my flaws constantly like peach fuzz on the small of my back or if my makeup wasn’t perfect he’d point it out. I had to tell him this was an issue. So he apologized and just stopped telling me anything until I had a later conversation about how I gotta get something from him because I was so down. I realize that I have to see my self worth. And I do, but it’s hard when you feel you’re not even appealing the one who loves you.

Oh and we moved in together because of financial situations. Yes I agree it was dumb but I am young and in love and most importantly broke.
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Old 09-24-2018, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,558,485 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore View Post
Dang came in hard right away. I appreciate that tho. I will admit I am stubborn and not at all a forgiving person when someone has done me wrong. It’s a one and done for me. But that’s why I came to this site. I wanted an unbiased opinion of Everything. Including myself.
He lies but is not completely untrustworthy if that makes sense. He has never given me a reason, nor do I have the thought that he was anywhere other than where he said he was. But he has lied in the same day he was on an escort site about it. Reading you reply it sounds like I’m the crazy one, which I may well be. I’m which case, what is my issue? And is it a real issue?

As for the comment on myself. I didn’t include that at the beginning of the relationship he wouldn’t not only not compliment me. But he would point out my flaws constantly like peach fuzz on the small of my back or if my makeup wasn’t perfect he’d point it out. I had to tell him this was an issue. So he apologized and just stopped telling me anything until I had a later conversation about how I gotta get something from him because I was so down. I realize that I have to see my self worth. And I do, but it’s hard when you feel you’re not even appealing the one who loves you.

Oh and we moved in together because of financial situations. Yes I agree it was dumb but I am young and in love and most importantly broke.
OK well you have problems, and you know you do. Yet you continue to make bad decisions. What is it you want us to do?

You're living with a liar who is quite self-centered, apparently, while you yourself are insecure and like to hold grudges. How do YOU see things turning out?

Unless there is a literal miracle from heaven, this relationship will end badly, and you will have ANOTHER guy to blame stuff on for the next guy. All you can do now is predict how it will end.
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Old 09-24-2018, 09:58 AM
 
973 posts, read 906,272 times
Reputation: 1776
I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you. Sorry.
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Old 09-24-2018, 10:27 AM
 
2,947 posts, read 1,338,931 times
Reputation: 3789
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore View Post
Ok so long story but I’m gonna be honest on both sides.

I have been dating a guy for 10months now. We mesh well and day to day life is great.
But
About a month into our relationship he logged his GMail account into my phone and forgot to log out. I realized this after I had looked up something I wasn’t ready to share. I went to delete the history and found several search histories for escorts on Craigslist and “male seeking trans-woman” kinda stuff. Let me be clear. I don’t care if he’s into trans-women. I have my own sexual proclivities that people could judge me on. It was the looking for escorts in his area. Originally of course he denied it, “account got hacked”, then “everyone has their dirty little secrets.” Finally after 2 days I was able to get a straight answer.
I think. He said it was an addiction he’s had for years and he dosnt contact anyone he “just reads the stories.” I took him at his word that he did not actually contact anyone, but laid down that that’s a NO. Porn, cool. This, NO

And another disclosure, he has been with a prostitute once before a year before we got together. He said it was a bad experience and he wouldn’t do it again. We had this talk and moved forward (I really had no problem with this, everyone has a history)

Since then, I’d brought up the subject looking for reassurance that he is not doing anything. He would try to change the conversation because “he’s not proud of himself and he dosnt like to bring it up. Also, the first night he got caught, he changed his password and the fact was never brought up again.

I havnt really recovered. I was cheated on in my previous relationship and the extra blow to my ego made things get worse and worse for me. Also he never complimented me until I pointed it out. He shows love in other ways physically (hugs, kisses, other intimacy, and great sex) but he dosnt make me feel good about myself. I’ll admit it could just be me because in my head I’m now trying to compete with escorts and fantasy. So I have lost all of my confidence.

Fast forward, 10months in. I’ve given in to my depression. We havnt had sex in a week. I got up in the middle of the night to go lay on the couch for some space. Then came back into the room to tell him I needed some space (we recently moved in together). We fought about how he said he has been trying to make things right but he dosnt know what to do. And I’m not feeling any better in this relationship about myself and this problem. I gave up and said I don’t care what he does and I won’t try to check his stuff again (not that I had since the first discretion, I’m not a babysitter, and he didn’t hide where he was Ever). The next few days he said he’d keep trying and was reassuring me that he hadn’t been to thoes sites since he initially got caught.
Yesterday while using his phone (with permission, but yeah I snooped) I found that night I said I wouldn’t check his phone anymore,he had looked up an escort website (to be fair it wasn’t in our area, like last time).
I confronted him and he said again that he is just looking at the ads. While we were fighting he said “I thought you were gonna break up with me” as his reason for looking at the ads again.
Another piece of info that’s bugging me. I had been laying in bed from a night of crying. He excused himself to the bathroom, I later found out he was looking at porn, again no issue) but then he came and was trying to get me in the mood. Not a lot, but notibly more forcefully than normal. He said he had been worked up for days (since he looked up the ads). I was obviously not in the mood for sex. He later apologized for trying to force it.

He says he loves me and wants to fix our relationship. I genuinely believes that he has thoes feelings. But idk if he loves me in the healthy way, where you want to suppprt and put your partner above all. Or he wants me in his life because he loves me selfishly..if that makes sense.
So...Help
Guy’s opinion-Does this sound like an addiction or is it BS?
If it is, is he untrustworthy and could keep on lying, or just not ready to deal with/fully admit and deal with a problem?
We have a lot of happiness we share together, but this is obviously a big problem. Is this relationship worth sparing?

OP, if any relationship causes you to feel an on-going feeling of depression or lowers your self-esteem, no, it's not a healthy relationship, and yes, it's time to get out.


As I read your post, I thought to myself, "What is it about some people that they will allow themselves to be treated with utter disrespect and contempt by a partner just so they can 'be with someone?'" I don't get it; I really and truly do not.


I am not trying to make you feel shame. I'm trying to understand why you would knowingly and willingly subject yourself, over and over again, to maltreatment by this guy or any guy.


I'll assure you, your BF is NO prize. He is your everyday, common, garden-variety loser who seeks and wants an on-going, primary relationship with a woman so he can have his other relationships on the side.


The lessons will be repeated until they are learned. He will not change. And, if you stay with him, you give your approval to what he has done and will do to you. Is this what you want in your life? Do you want to be in a relationship with a partner who will habitually betray, deceive and disrespect you? If not, leave him.
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Old 09-24-2018, 12:00 PM
 
2,947 posts, read 1,338,931 times
Reputation: 3789
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore View Post
Dang came in hard right away. I appreciate that tho. I will admit I am stubborn and not at all a forgiving person when someone has done me wrong. It’s a one and done for me. But that’s why I came to this site. I wanted an unbiased opinion of Everything. Including myself.
He lies but is not completely untrustworthy if that makes sense. He has never given me a reason, nor do I have the thought that he was anywhere other than where he said he was. But he has lied in the same day he was on an escort site about it. Reading you reply it sounds like I’m the crazy one, which I may well be. I’m which case, what is my issue? And is it a real issue or am a making a lot of nothing?

As for the comment on myself. I didn’t include that at the beginning of the relationship he wouldn’t not only not compliment me. But he would point out my flaws constantly like peach fuzz on the small of my back or if my makeup wasn’t perfect he’d point it out. I had to tell him this was an issue. So he apologized and just stopped telling me anything until I had a later conversation about how I gotta get something from him because I was so down. I realize that I have to see my self worth. And I do, but it’s hard when you feel you’re not even appealing the one who loves you.

Oh and we moved in together because of financial situations. Yes I agree it was dumb but I am young and in love and most importantly broke.
Girl, save yourself.


A person who selectively tells you the truth is not honest. Dishonest people are not trustworthy; unless, of course, you want them to be.


So, Mr. Perfect (read: your deceptive BF) is pointing out to you how/why you are not perfect. That's priceless, and abusive too. Based on hearing that, I strongly suspect he believes he has found himself, in you, a "perfect" woman to use to figuratively beat down into submission and make you question yourself and your own self-worth. That's what abusive people do (women do it too). They find a vulnerable candidate (read: victim) who is open to suggestive manipulation so they can control and dominate your life. Then, they systematically begin and continue to use you against youself to meet their own pathetic and selfish needs and wants. They are spineless cowards who will covertly suck the literal emotional and mental life out of you.


Is that what you want, OP?


Your second post takes a turn toward justifying your abusive BF's behaviors and treatment of you. I guess, his manipulation of you is working and playing out his desired affect.


You are getting advice and suggestions here on CDr that are counter to what you want. Please do not bat away the advice like flies. Why not sit with our thoughts and words for awhile and see how they stack up to your reality. We have no hidden agenda to cause you harm, unlike your BF. Based on that, don't ya think we are worth hearing out and giving consideration to?
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Old 09-24-2018, 12:27 PM
 
408 posts, read 423,240 times
Reputation: 467
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeAintHungryNoMore View Post
Ok so long story but I’m gonna be honest on both sides.

I have been dating a guy for 10months now. We mesh well and day to day life is great.
But
About a month into our relationship he logged his GMail account into my phone and forgot to log out. I realized this after I had looked up something I wasn’t ready to share. I went to delete the history and found several search histories for escorts on Craigslist and “male seeking trans-woman” kinda stuff. Let me be clear. I don’t care if he’s into trans-women. I have my own sexual proclivities that people could judge me on. It was the looking for escorts in his area. Originally of course he denied it, “account got hacked”, then “everyone has their dirty little secrets.” Finally after 2 days I was able to get a straight answer.
I think. He said it was an addiction he’s had for years and he dosnt contact anyone he “just reads the stories.” I took him at his word that he did not actually contact anyone, but laid down that that’s a NO. Porn, cool. This, NO

And another disclosure, he has been with a prostitute once before a year before we got together. He said it was a bad experience and he wouldn’t do it again. We had this talk and moved forward (I really had no problem with this, everyone has a history)

Since then, I’d brought up the subject looking for reassurance that he is not doing anything. He would try to change the conversation because “he’s not proud of himself and he dosnt like to bring it up. Also, the first night he got caught, he changed his password and the fact was never brought up again.

I havnt really recovered. I was cheated on in my previous relationship and the extra blow to my ego made things get worse and worse for me. Also he never complimented me until I pointed it out. He shows love in other ways physically (hugs, kisses, other intimacy, and great sex) but he dosnt make me feel good about myself. I’ll admit it could just be me because in my head I’m now trying to compete with escorts and fantasy. So I have lost all of my confidence.

Fast forward, 10months in. I’ve given in to my depression. We havnt had sex in a week. I got up in the middle of the night to go lay on the couch for some space. Then came back into the room to tell him I needed some space (we recently moved in together). We fought about how he said he has been trying to make things right but he dosnt know what to do. And I’m not feeling any better in this relationship about myself and this problem. I gave up and said I don’t care what he does and I won’t try to check his stuff again (not that I had since the first discretion, I’m not a babysitter, and he didn’t hide where he was Ever). The next few days he said he’d keep trying and was reassuring me that he hadn’t been to thoes sites since he initially got caught.
Yesterday while using his phone (with permission, but yeah I snooped) I found that night I said I wouldn’t check his phone anymore, he had looked up an escort website (to be fair it wasn’t in our area, like last time).
I confronted him and he said again that he is just looking at the ads. While we were fighting he said “I thought you were gonna break up with me” as his reason for looking at the ads again.
Another piece of info that’s bugging me. I had been laying in bed from a night of crying. He excused himself to the bathroom, I later found out he was looking at porn, again no issue) but then he came and was trying to get me in the mood. Not a lot, but notibly more forcefully than normal. He said he had been worked up for days (since he looked up the ads). I was obviously not in the mood for sex. He later apologized for trying to force it.

He says he loves me and wants to fix our relationship. I genuinely believes that he has thoes feelings. But idk if he loves me in the healthy way, where you want to suppprt and put your partner above all. Or he wants me in his life because he loves me selfishly..if that makes sense.
So...Help
Guy’s opinion-Does this sound like an addiction or is it BS?
If it is, is he untrustworthy and could keep on lying, or just not ready to deal with/fully admit and deal with a problem?
We have a lot of happiness we share together, but this is obviously a big problem. Is this relationship worth sparing?
I can give you my experience, as someone who has dated a man who previously solicited prostitutes and another who I also caught "looking at escort ads."

The bigger issue to me is not that he's looking at this stuff, but that he's sneaking around and lying. My first boyfriend was similar -- I saw escort ads on his computer a few times, along with porn (for me this was an issue and he knew it). He'd always deny it or apologize or make excuses but it kept happening.

My second boyfriend used to actually solicit prostitutes. This came up once when we first started dating. Hs did it as a single person when he was out of town on business. He was extremely open to me and honest about it and told me exactly how many times it happened, why he did it, etc. It still bothered me but I felt like I could trust him.

So that's the bigger issue to me. You need to have trust in your relationship -- currently, your boyfriend is lying to you and you don't trust him. I don't know how old you are, but if you are quite young with no children, etc. I would say there isn't necessarily a reason to stay together, as it sounds like you have some major issues. You can find a guy who doesn't do this and I think he needs to either find someone who is completely OK with this, or mature a bit and decide how important this hobby is to him.
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Old 09-24-2018, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Northern Calif
149 posts, read 99,847 times
Reputation: 181
he told you it's an addiction he's had for years. It even escallated to visiting a prostitute, wow.


Yes, you need to monitor him always to keep yourself healthy. And him. You both need to get tested for STD's. They can sit dormant for years, most have no symptoms at all.



Ensure he is in a profession where he has no access to day to day internet then monitor it otherwise.
Teachers are generally spending the day teaching, plumbers are driving around or fixing pipes. Steer him into a profession where he will succeed, not be subjected to constant readily available material to feed his addiction again. He can succeed easily if your attitude is he can and you harbor an enviornment conducive to success and not, failure. Good luck to you both


Also you may want to place a few escort adds yourself. See if he responds to you. If he does, plan to meet up. When he shows, you need to break up with him
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