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I have thought about it but I want to make this work. It sounds simple in one sentence but it’s a lot of stress and work to move and would likely have a profound negative effect on the relationship....
What kind of stress and negative effect on the relationship are the behaviors listed below causing?
Quote:
Dishes are always left in the sink.
Throws clothes everywhere.
Trash piles up always until I take it out.
Basically all chores will go undone unless I do them or ask repeatedly that he take care of what he agreed to take care of.
I’ve talked to him. I’ve told him I can’t live like this and need him to pull his weight, but nothing seems to motivate him.
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over two years. A few months ago we moved in together. Previous to this he had kept a relatively clean place, I didn’t really notice any red flags. Fast forward to today it’s like he flipped a switch.
Dishes are always left in the sink. Throws clothes everywhere. Trash piles up always until I take it out. Basically all chores will go undone unless I do them or ask repeatedly that he take care of what he agreed to take care of. I’ve talked to him. I’ve told him I can’t live like this and need him to pull his weight, but nothing seems to motivate him.
For further background we both work office jobs with normal hours. I’m at a loss on how to get him to do his fair share.
Have the conversation again, but be specific.
So instead of “I can’t live like this”: Tell him specifically what that means for you and how it makes you feel. For instance, I feel stressed when I come home and there are dishes in the sink because I feel like I can’t relax until the kitchen is clean. I get worried about us getting bugs and roaches. I feel like you rely on me to keep the place clean and it makes me feel like you don’t want to contribute to the upkeep of our apartment.
Instead of “Need him to pull his weight” say, “Can we both do our dishes after eating? Can you and I spend an hour every Saturday cleaning the bathroom and bedroom together?”
Somethings you may just have to accept him doing or not doing though for peace, like the clothes and trash. Id disagree with those who to say move out or you are not compatible because you’ll only be swapping this problem for another.
After you tell him how horrible it makes you feel to be the only one cleaning, if he loves and values you he will change his behavior. If he doesn’t change, then the next conversation with him is to tell him how uncared for you feel that he knows how much this bothers you and he still doesn’t help. His answer and behavior in reply should let you know if this is a guy worth keeping.
Don't ya' love it when you never get 'the rest of the story"?
Soap opera cliff hanger..."Did OP throw him out with the rest of the trash?"
Probably no sense in saying "Stay tuned"
So I had a talk with him in a non confrontational way. I told him I love him but I cannot continue living this way. I decided to spend a week at a friends and asked him to think about our relationship and if his current regressed lifestyle of laziness at home is more important than us being together. No covert contracts, i told him I expect that he has his things together and the house in order when I come home this weekend or I will take it as my answer. I am prepared to leave the relationship if he doesn’t follow through and maintain a reasonably cleanly lifestyle in the house.
I don’t think he realized how much his continual disrespect of the house and my wishes made me feel taken advantage of because he was kind of shocked, blindsided that I was taking a week away.
I have thought about it but I want to make this work. It sounds simple in one sentence but it’s a lot of stress and work to move and would likely have a profound negative effect on the relationship....
If you have expressed something is important to you and he doesn't care, there has already been a profoundly negative effect on the relationship.
And do you hear yourself? Too much stress and work to move? That's not a reason to stay in a relationship.
See if he is interested in splitting cost of housekeeper or paying for a housekeeper to do some of the more in depth duties to balance out what you contribute. The might be a win/win.
So I had a talk with him in a non confrontational way. I told him I love him but I cannot continue living this way. I decided to spend a week at a friends and asked him to think about our relationship and if his current regressed lifestyle of laziness at home is more important than us being together. No covert contracts, i told him I expect that he has his things together and the house in order when I come home this weekend or I will take it as my answer. I am prepared to leave the relationship if he doesn’t follow through and maintain a reasonably cleanly lifestyle in the house.
I don’t think he realized how much his continual disrespect of the house and my wishes made me feel taken advantage of because he was kind of shocked, blindsided that I was taking a week away.
Well, I'm not surprised he was shocked. You were not at all what I would call nonconfrontational. Giving an ultimatum and moving out are pretty much the definition of "confrontational."
I'm not saying a direct approach is not a good idea, but ... we've had people on here who were living for years with actual scammers and abusers who were never so "direct." LOL
So I had a talk with him in a non confrontational way. I told him I love him but I cannot continue living this way. I decided to spend a week at a friends and asked him to think about our relationship and if his current regressed lifestyle of laziness at home is more important than us being together. No covert contracts, i told him I expect that he has his things together and the house in order when I come home this weekend or I will take it as my answer. I am prepared to leave the relationship if he doesn’t follow through and maintain a reasonably cleanly lifestyle in the house.
I don’t think he realized how much his continual disrespect of the house and my wishes made me feel taken advantage of because he was kind of shocked, blindsided that I was taking a week away.
Good job. Communication is so important because we naturally would assume he knows how hurt you’ve been feeling but he may be clueless unless he is directly told!
I’m sure he will step up to the plate. He may need reminders time to time but if he’s willing to contribute, I hope it doesn’t ruin your relationship.
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