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Lets call me Tenzo, I started seeing this man, lets call him Ghost. I am 21 and he is 30. We met at his job about a month ago. It was like a scene from a movie, we locked eyes and it was perfect it was like we had an instant connection. He asked for my number that night and we went on our first date the week after. We tried going for dates at least once a week, sometimes twice or three times a week just to see each other. He told me on our first date that he has a daughter and she is his world (he has custody). I find it amazing and want to have kids of my own.
I asked him before if it bothered him about the age difference he said he had no issue with it and that he doesn't see me as so young. As we got to know each other better, he constantly told me how crazy it was that we met the way we did and that he doesn't really do these types of things and how he feels such a strange connection between us. He told me right off the bat that he is a religious man which we don't agree 100% on because I am not all that religious but he said he was fine with it. We both have a crazy schedule, where I work 3pm to 11pm, he works 8pm to 4am.
My only concern was our communication was off when we weren't together. It was very hard to get a text from him sometimes and I am one who is almost constantly looking at my phone at some point so it bothered me. A lot more than I should have let it to be honest. We talked about it and he told me he would work on it and try to get better. Another thing is sometimes we would make plans and then he would get home and I wouldn't hear from him until the next day. I would get upset because I would wait up for him. I know for a fact that once he lays down he passes out and is a very deep sleeper.
I'm just really confused because he tells me all these things about how he can't believe how connected we are and how I make him feel, but he does stuff like that. One night when I went over his house to spend time together, he had showed me his daughter while she was sleeping, he told me he couldn't wait for me to meet her. We even bought tickets to see a show together in December which was his suggestion because he knew it was my favorite artist coming to town. It was stuff like this that made me think that he wanted a serious committed relationship.
Sorry for such a long message, I'm getting to the point now. So at the beginning of this week we had planned to go out but he had ghosted me again. SO I had sent him a message asking if I could see him cause I needed to talk to him. He then responded with if he was in trouble, knowing that I was upset with him. When we got together for dinner I couldn't help but be distant with him because I was upset and tired. When he had dinner he could tell there was something off, but I couldn't say it out loud because I do enjoy spending time with him and I didn't want to ruin the moment but also because I wasn't sure what to say or if it was even a big deal. After dinner he asked me again and he told me I was being distant and I told him I was just tired.
We later went back to his house to watch a movie. I noticed that he was being odd now too. I figured because he was tired and he was trying his hardest not to fall asleep. Well after the movie I told him I was upset with him and he said he knew. We ended up changing the conversation for some reason, but I couldn't help but keep reminding him that I was mad at him. I then asked him if he was gonna be able to take time off work to go to the show and he told me he could, that he just needs to put in for it in advanced, which he told me he would do right away and I gave him a look that said "okay, sure you will". I was mostly joking with him, but also not at the same time.
Well when I was about to go home we sat outside for a little bit together and I once again reminded him that I was mad at him, but at this point I decided to let it slide cause I know he has a lot going on and was just joking. He then asked me, what I was mad about, and I told him that he knows why I'm mad and left it at that. He then told me that He would be getting off work at 1am tomorrow. He then said that if I was willing to wait when I got off work, we could meet up after and "hash" things out and that he would make it up to me.
Well, the next day rolls around, and to kill some time I went to a friends house who lives not too far from him. When it came time for him to get off work I didn't hear from him so I asked him if we were still on for the night. He then responded letting me know that he just got out and that he was charging his phone. So I told him I was with some friends and that he should let me know if he still wanted to meet up because I'm sure he's tired at this point. I didn't hear from him after that so I texted him again 30 minutes later letting him know that everyone was going off to bed and that he should let me know what he wants to do (it's almost 2am at this point).
2:30am rolls around and i still hadn't heard from him and I had even called him. so I sent this long message:
"so look, I keep trying to spend time with you and it's like you disappear. You're the one who suggested that we hang out after you got off work if I was willing to wait, and I was and I did. But I feel as if I'm constantly waiting. It's like your forget I exist when we're not around each other. I have no clue what you want and I'm trying to be patient but it isn't fair. If you're just looking for a hookup or a convenient **** I'd prefer you let me know. If not, I am willing to be patient, but I'd rather know what I'm dealing with. I'm gonna head home now. Sorry for such a long message".
I haven't heard from him since. It's been 48hours now since I've heard from him and I don't know what to do about it. He is the one who is always telling me to express myself and to open up and tell him how I feel. Or if he is doing something wrong that I need to let him know, that we're supposed to be completely honest with each other. But now I haven't gotten anything form him and I feel as if I reacted too harsh to the situation. I know that I can get over the whole texting thing because I am on my phone way too much. I also know that I can be a little impulsive and so I have refrained from texting him or calling him. It isn't like him to not contact me within 48 hours. Sometimes I won't hear from him for about 12hours or so, but he would always get back to me the next day and apologize like crazy.
I want to text or call him and ask him what's going on but I don't know the time frame for that. I have never been good with relationships. I am either too distant or too controlling or feel like I can never be myself. But he always encouraged to be myself and encouraged me to say what was on my mind. He was becoming a really good fried to me and now I feel like I lost him in one blow. I have never seen someone flip a switch so drastically. He even begged me to stay the night at his house one time so he could cook me breakfast and seemed like he was hurt when I said I couldn't. All the things he does makes me feel like he wanted a relationship but now I'm second guessing everything.
I just need help getting him to talk to me again, and also seeing if I should just sell my tickets to the show because I feel like I'll never get to see him again. Also, I would like to know, if I caused him to disappear like this, or is this a normal thing for guys to do sometimes? When would be the right time to text or call him to ask what is going on? He's a nice guy, I'm just very confused by all this and never go to any type of forum to ask for advice.
He pulled that insta-connection thing and it totally worked. Why do you think he targets very young, idealistic girls? He has you on a string because of a lot of mystery about how he can't believe how you connect and blah blah. Drop him like he's hot. He does not deserve one more word from you.
So you think I shouldn't bother getting an explanation from him? Or worry if he's okay and not hurt somewhere? Also, you think I should just sell or give away his ticket for the show before finding out whats up?
I think the problem is that you spent a whole evening with him while acting distant, and you kept reminding him that you were mad at him without telling him why (though you did say he knew why).
I can understand where you're coming from, but you can't really do that and expect him to be ok with it.
When there's a problem, you need to talk it out and then let it go. It's like you're punishing him and really dragging it out. Again, I do understand where you're coming from...but ask yourself this: why would he want to spend time with someone that is being distant and is clearly mad at him?
While he was the one in the wrong, and he definitely sounds inconsiderate, your reaction is what is really causing the problem now. It seems like it's gotten to the point where you may need to apologize to him (even though it should have been him apologizing to you).
Or maybe he was just playing you, and you should drop him like JerZ suggested. I don't know.
So you think I shouldn't bother getting an explanation from him? Or worry if he's okay and not hurt somewhere? Also, you think I should just sell or give away his ticket for the show before finding out whats up?
Ain't nothing wrong with him except that he is selfish and he is using you. Don't make excuses for his poor behavior.
And I agree with redplum, you were sulking too much. Grown people don't have time for juvenile behavior.
Drama, drama, drama. Life has enough it it without creating more. Get to the point with him, or move on. Men can't stand the "I'm mad at you stuff" without putting it out in the open and getting past it. Texting is NOT the way to manage a relationship. If you wish to talk, talk, but don't eliminate the human element by taking it into the electronic world. That is a guaranteed fail.
Well if he's the single parent of a young daughter working the overnight shift he may not be "ghosting" you so to speak, he may really be tired and busy, and prone to falling asleep. You two are on completely different schedules... plus he doesn't have the type of freedom over his day you do because he has a child.
Or he really could be playing you. This is kind of how the sidechick life starts (or the "I didn't know I was one of a harem" life starts). LOL
That said there is nothing wrong with saying you need more regular communication, ESPECIALLY if you have plans... no excuse for standing you up. Don't ever let yourself get used to dating someone who's randomly hard to reach... it sets the seeds for bad things in the future. Plus it's disrespectful.
You did not handle your anger well last time you saw him (always better to talk it out)...but then again there is no excuse for not talking to you for 2 days either. Neither of you is behaving maturely at the moment.
I would proceed with caution from here. Don't focus on the "connection", focus on his behavior. How is he treatng you and is it matching wth his words? He will eventually surface, they always do. If y'all end up breaking up over this let him go.
He pulled that insta-connection thing and it totally worked. Why do you think he targets very young, idealistic girls?He has you on a string because of a lot of mystery about how he can't believe how you connect and blah blah. Drop him like he's hot. He does not deserve one more word from you.
Yep. And she bought it hook, line & sinker.
And the "I just want to know if he's ok/not hurt..." etc. I hear this all the time from other women. Women care about this crap, men don't. Just stop. He's just fine. Anyway, who cares? Stop chasing trash. If he's in a ditch somewhere oh well.
Most men will move mountains to talk to someone they want....
I had sent him a message asking if I could see him cause I needed to talk to him. ... When we got together for dinner I couldn't help but be distant with him...
When he had dinner he could tell there was something off, but I couldn't say it out loud...
After dinner he asked me again and he told me I was being distant and I told him I was just tired.
I told him I was upset with him and he said he knew.
I couldn't help but keep reminding him that I was mad at him.
I once again reminded him that I was mad at him...
He then asked me, what I was mad about, and I told him that he knows why I'm mad and left it at that.
Can you see how annoying that kind of behavior is? There are few experiences as torturous as being with a pouty little girl who won't just say WTF is wrong. Just be open with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tenzokakashi
2:30am rolls around and i still hadn't heard from him and I had even called him. so I sent this long message:
"so look, I keep trying to spend time with you and it's like you disappear. You're the one who suggested that we hang out after you got off work if I was willing to wait, and I was and I did. But I feel as if I'm constantly waiting. It's like your forget I exist when we're not around each other. I have no clue what you want and I'm trying to be patient but it isn't fair. If you're just looking for a hookup or a convenient **** I'd prefer you let me know. If not, I am willing to be patient, but I'd rather know what I'm dealing with. I'm gonna head home now. Sorry for such a long message".
This ^^^ was good. Don't apologize for sending that message. At least now he knows the deal. Yes, it's frustrating to always wait on someone, but he has a child at home, and she will always be first. I agree that he is probably exhausted.
Relax about the tickets for now and realize that you two may not be an good match, despite the instant connection.
People cannot read your mind. If something bothers you, say it. Don't do the distant thing and not saying what it is but being weird stuff - that's what 21 year olds do, I get it, but if you want to date an older dude, that game won't work.
Don't run after him. He isn't worth the wait. Seems like he isn't as much into you as you are into him. And not responding for 48 hours is just cruel and disrespectful. You deserve better.
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