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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cillimanili
Thank you. That's pretty much how I see it. I also expected others to get wiser with age and therefore less superficial, which is almost the opposite as I stated before. Why look at all those small, inane things like status and money instead of concentrating on the interpersonal connection and being able to do nice things together. A perfect mate doesn't exist and sometimes it takes time to realize someone is right for you. After all there are friendships that turn into love after YEARS of knowing each other and on the other side a perceived "perfect" match up turns into a nightmare.
It takes time to know if someone is right for you, yes.
It can be known almost instantly that someone is NOT right for you.
I don't believe I know anyone that is looking for, or expects, love on first site. What they are expecting is chemistry, because that is there, or it is not there.
I've heard about it in movies, but IRL, I've ever seen someone post teen years (going to school together) ever have a platonic friendship turn into a good romantic connection.
Actually, I have. Just as an experiment. Still got nothing. lol
Hmm, I don't know what to tell you then. It's definitely not true that all women want super attractive men because I see average and below average looking men with women all the time. The women who I know personally who met their spouses online are married to average looking guys.
No, it tells you that they're not looking for a partner who disagrees with them. Can you guys really not see the difference?
<snip>
I guess I just don't get the perspective. I think it's totally natural to want a partner who is aligned with you on major things like politics and religion. You're looking for someone to share your life with. I'm amazed people don't understand this. But to each their own.
Interesting- I AM looking for someone who's Christian, even if they're not in my denomination. I think I'm just less passionate about politics. I never knew how my husband voted when we were married- our political views were somewhat similar but we didn't discuss them that much. I never cared enough to ask how he voted and he didn't care enough to volunteer! Maybe the key here is that I'm just not compatible with someone passionate about politics- on either side.
I was married to my last wife. She was super hot. She actually did look like a model. However, it turns out that she did not like sex. Like, she did not like it at all.and, it was not me or any lack of skill. But, she fooled me until after we were married. Then the truth came out. Do you know how difficult it is for a man to live with someone so pretty, but have them not like sex. Plus, she was addicted to the internet, and I basically had a roommate for years and years. I went everywhere by myself, and even took vacations alone.
Not to derail the thread, but did she need to get married for citizenship?
Or did she just not like having sex with you?
Thank you. That's pretty much how I see it. I also expected others to get wiser with age and therefore less superficial, which is almost the opposite as I stated before. Why look at all those small, inane things like status and money instead of concentrating on the interpersonal connection and being able to do nice things together. A perfect mate doesn't exist and sometimes it takes time to realize someone is right for you. After all there are friendships that turn into love after YEARS of knowing each other and on the other side a perceived "perfect" match up turns into a nightmare.
So what happenedl, are you not getting any responses on OLD?
Not to derail the thread, but did she need to get married for citizenship?
Or did she just not like having sex with you?
Both, kinda. She did get married with me and got a green card (she did not want to be a citizen) after.
As for sex, she did not like it period. Apparently only had 1 orgasm (before I met her) in her life. She had no interest in another, no matter what i did. Always said that real people "do not do that - just in movies. " i got a hint when she was surprised I wanted to have sex on our honeymoon. So, was not me specifically. But she lied and acted differently in the beginning.
Crazy, huh?
Last edited by MisterShipWreck; 10-12-2018 at 08:46 AM..
Women find only 20% of men to be above average in looks, so maybe you're focusing on the few men you find attractive, who are blessed with a plethora of options hence not really likely to want to settle down
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by earthisle
Women find only 20% of men to be above average in looks, so maybe you're focusing on the few men you find attractive, who are blessed with a plethora of options hence not really likely to want to settle down
If that's on a bell curve/normal distribution, that would mean about 60% of people would be average, which sounds about right. The vast majority of us ARE average. That's fine.
But are you really? I think most people/men looking for a relationship aren't hopeless romantics who expect to grow old together. They just want someone they really like for now or just enough that they don't feel the need to keep looking-for now. I would respect it much more, if that was the true reasoning behind it. Besides it's strange to me, how you can claim to seriously look for love (and I don't mean love at first sight) when you dismiss everyone immediately that doesn't fit the bill. If you completely don’t find them attractive or interesting at all right away fair enough, but otherwise why not get to know each other a little bit better, more dates before deciding they're not for you. I feel like that approach is too drastic and doesn't help in your quest. At least a friendship could come of it, if you give someone a chance.
A lot of people who are in the dating market, are absolutely looking for The One to lock down and have for life. And every person you date, there is a chance that they will get really passionate about you, and you will end up realizing you are not that into them, and then getting rid of them when the dealbreakers become too much is a pain in the butt, causing all sorts of drama, hurt feelings, or even hostility. No thanks.
That's why with those folks who were interesting but did not really meet my particular needs in some way, I'd date them at a certain level but I'd keep it at that level. And I was poly so I damn sure COULD keep looking for what I really wanted, until I found it and considered my needs met and my dance card full.
I have hundreds of friends. Why exactly do I need to give some stranger a chance? Why do I owe them MY time and friendship?
Your response to me would make more sense if I had failed in my quest to find love. But I didn't. I am happily partnered right now. And for what it's worth, I don't believe I clearly knew when I started OLD that I had all of the needs I listed earlier...but now looking back, I can say them out of a sense of "this is why other people were not right for me; this is why the man I'm with IS right for me."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cillimanili
Thank you. That's pretty much how I see it. I also expected others to get wiser with age and therefore less superficial, which is almost the opposite as I stated before. Why look at all those small, inane things like status and money instead of concentrating on the interpersonal connection and being able to do nice things together. A perfect mate doesn't exist and sometimes it takes time to realize someone is right for you. After all there are friendships that turn into love after YEARS of knowing each other and on the other side a perceived "perfect" match up turns into a nightmare.
You know what floors me in threads like this? We get person after person saying that it's completely realistic to be obsessed with looks, finding someone who is right there on your level in some imaginary 1-10 scale or something, or "of course you've got to find them attractive"...THAT criteria isn't superficial. But money? Status? OH CRY TO THE HEAVENS.
Um. Money and status matter probably more than looks to some, and it's absurd to scowl at others for having different priorities than you do. Money matters to me, not that a guy be rich or whatever, but because I live at a certain standard and I know with 100% total clarity that a person who is busted arse broke probably comes bundled with a bunch of garbage life choices and bad habits that I do NOT want in my household. I don't need a partner to drag me into debt, or leech or mooch off of me. And don't you dare act as though that wouldn't happen. I've got to even be careful with friends who are of lower socioeconomic strata, because they step to me with these sob stories and if I let them they'll drain me dry. Lotta good it does me to be responsible and careful with my money, plan well, live the American dream, if I'm then expected to give it all away to my broke friends so they can drink it and smoke it until ALL of us are on the street. Oh, and can they move in their kids, at least on the weekends? "They are SO well behaved" and then they trash my house. Oh, and dogs and cats and ferrets and bunnies and hedgehogs? Because even though they're poor they need to have a damn zoo and they want it parked in my living room?
Nope. It's easier to have boundaries with friends, but I damn sure do not need a partner who is way below my standard of living. And that's the thing about "money" and "education" and why it isn't "superficial." Because it is the whole package of how I live, versus how someone else lives, and the fact that I'm not about to have everything I have worked for trashed because I needed to "give someone a chance" and not be "superficial." Psh. No.
And YET, even though my thresholds for "looks" are quite broad, and I had no care for a tall man or one with washboard abs or any such thing... I'm the superficial one for not wanting my home destroyed and a bunch of drama brought into my life. And you know, I'm sure this all sounds really judgmental and really nasty of me, but I would not be saying all of this except for the fact that I've been there. I am not without compassion for people who have troubles, but that doesn't mean I invite them into my life.
At 18, I did not feel this way. But then, I had yet to suffer some of the bad outcomes from letting messy people in too close. Older...wiser...and yeah, pickier. I do not need a warm body next to me in bed THAT badly, thanks.
If that's on a bell curve/normal distribution, that would mean about 60% of people would be average, which sounds about right. The vast majority of us ARE average. That's fine.
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