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Hey. I haven't read all pages. Maybe I can still put my two cents in. I am sorry how your marriage turned out.
You do not have to wait for anything. File for divorce now. A married couple does not have to be separated six months before filing a California divorce.
The 6 months waiting period means you will not be divorced before 6 months AFTER filing.
I am in Ventura County, if you need a friend and are nearby.
Shortly before your lease runs out, go look for another apartment. Don't tell your wife that's what you're doing until you have a new apartment lined up. Then, open up a PO box, so you don't have to give her your new address.
When that happens, tell your wife that you have a new place, and if she wants to stay in the apartment, she will have to have the lease drawn up in her name. If you want to be a nice guy, maybe pay her first month's rent.
Be thankful you don't have a house to worry about.
I have a feeling your wife is TRYING to walk a tight rope. She wants to GO, but it sounds like she might be having a hard time getting her online guy to commit anything to her.
Hell, if I were you, I'd offer to pay her bus ticket to the guy. LOL
Shortly before your lease runs out, go look for another apartment. Don't tell your wife that's what you're doing until you have a new apartment lined up. Then, open up a PO box, so you don't have to give her your new address.
When that happens, tell your wife that you have a new place, and if she wants to stay in the apartment, she will have to have the lease drawn up in her name. If you want to be a nice guy, maybe pay her first month's rent.
Be thankful you don't have a house to worry about.
I have a feeling your wife is TRYING to walk a tight rope. She wants to GO, but it sounds like she might be having a hard time getting her online guy to commit anything to her.
Hell, if I were you, I'd offer to pay her bus ticket to the guy. LOL
They are married, it's not that simple. I'd do nothing without consulting an attorney because otherwise he may up ending to pay for her apartment and his own.
She never be financially ready, she also has a student loan in default that I lose money on in my Tax return since moving out here, due to the Community Property State, it's painful. There is no way around it, I have to file Injured Spouse to get my 50%, the rest goes towards the loan, good thing was she got it before we were married, so I'm not liable for it, but it will haunt her for a long time as they likely garnish part of her wages, she doesn't even know that.
The only hope for her is Mr.Goodbar is loaded, because he has no clue on what she is going to cost him.
The lease will be over before the 6 month waiting period, but I can get out sooner based on clause in it without losing any money.
She claims she wants nothing, but she cannot live on nothing, so I don't know how that will pan out. I would have to lower my rent to half to pay for her's, and here that's a pipedream. She knows that and seems to not want to put any strain on me, which is odd considering what she is doing at the moment.
I guess it comes down to the fact I helped her out more than anyone did when it comes to money and buying things. She cannot use that against me.
I'd use her guilt and have a settlement agreement written up at the attorney's office wherein she agrees to getting nothing. You have no idea what people all can and try to use against each other. I would not wait and get as much in writing now where she is still willing to negotiate before she changes her mind. Therefore, I would not do anything mean right now to "let her pay" or "revenge" because it may backfire on you financially. Be smart.
Yes, I do see your point. I tried but I ran out of steam with her.
Reason we stopped sleeping in the same bed, was because of multiple reasons, 1) she snores and so do I, but she would wake me up before I would wake up her on average. For the 18 years we have been together, I was able to sleep in the same bed up until a few years ago, because I was not getting a good night's rest which being the sole wage earner was placing more stress on me. 2) We moved out here and lived in a small condo for 2 years, we slept in the same bed, but I would often find myself getting up and sleeping on the sofa due to her snoring, this has happened before too. The biggest issue with this place we were living at the time, the people above us were rude and loud very early in the morning, our master bedroom was right under theirs which was a nightmare for us both as well they had a treadmill and would get on it at 7AM in the morning, we complained to the HOA but nothing ever changed. So my only recourse was sleeping in a small den which was underneath their den which they appeared to never use, but it wasn't 100% effective, so we moved to a detached place that is very quiet, but the habit of sleeping in different rooms continued, more so out of necessity in rest.
She was also sleeping in different rooms in her last relationship, history repeats itself.
The past 18 years, she has only had a full-time job for 2 to 3 years on total with odd jobs, her last good job opportunity paid well and more than she ever made and she only lasted 3 days, someone pissed her off and she quit. I did motivate her to go back to school and get a degree, early in our relationship, which I fully supported and had no issues with, but we moved around a lot due to my career which put stress on things, but she was fully supportive. Including coming out here with me.
I know she is depressed, not feeling self worth and her self esteem was low. I tried to help her find a job, but nothing happeend, interviews went with no return calls, during the downturn she wasnt' even looking anymore, prior to leaving FL to move out here, she was working a temp job for a few months but got pissed off with a co-worker and quit. Looking back at her prior history, before I was in the picture, this is how she is. So while the spotlight can be put on me, it's more so her history.
Since moving here some traumatic things happened in our family with the loss of a loved one, we started sleeping the same room again for a few months, but the issues with snoring continued. Though we were sleeping in the same room, any romatic moments of intimacy, were shunned away by her and this happened in FL as well after another traumatic loss in the family. Sex was far from her mind and mine, but we were together in bed during this time, I slept with her in the same bed. After 6 months nothing changed, 12 months and longer nothing. I wasn't concerned, because I had to emotionally support her, which I thought I did well.
I have paid for everything the past 18 years, aside from a few things she bought me like gifts, but since she didnt' have steady work, often things she bought me on average were paid for by me with allowance or a credit card I gave her to use.
I never robbed her of not being able to get her hair, nails, pedicure and purchase costly make-up and perfumes, along with lots' of clothes and shoes. She also had nice cars, paid for by me before we were married. When I met her she had a loan, was only 2 years into a 5 year finance deal, she quit her full-time job 2 years after 6 months after we moved in together, I gave her money when she dumped me the first time, then after we reconnected I funded her lifestyle and paid for her car till it was paid off along with paying for service and etc. All of which was done prior to being married, sucker? Maybe I am?
This is the short list, I won't go into detail what the past 18 years has cost me in finances, I'm quite embarrased but thought I was doing the right thing in trying to make this work.
At least you acknowledge you gave up as well, so really what you are left with is a committed friendship in roommate status.
Instead of losing steam and giving up you could have made one final stand (so to say) and tried really hard while adjusting your strategy. I would have required her to work a PT job (30 hours at least), provide meaningful financial contributions, and also made and effort to sleep in the same bed. Sleep apnia machines, breathe right strips, adjustable mattresses (0 pressure position).
With that said it’s water under the bridge and doesn’t help you now. Likely your marriage is irreparable and you should look to terminate it the earlier the better so you both can move on.
If you are married 10 years she can take half your SS.
No. If they are married for at least 10 years, she can draw based on his earnings history. (Other details apply). Doing so would not impact what he draws in any way.
I think she’s in denial that life is about to change. As I mentioned before, I’m pretty sure the begging is going to come soon. For sure before the end.
All in all I think the divorce will be a good thing though. I can’t speak for you, but it’s clear that she has been pretending to be normal and happy for a while, but now she will be able to live an authentic life.
I really cannot figure it out, she is confident and mixed on her decision, like it bounces back and forth.
She has no remorse for what she is doing, won't disclose any details, to be honest I think she is being manipulated because Instagram is full of con artists. The fact the person is claiming to be a celebrity who is extremely busy at the moment and happily married (I'm guessing based on the info I found and interviews) for a long time with kids.
I read the reason for feeling no remorse is because she is using this guy as an excuse to get out of our relationship, it's just the means to an end.
I'm not happy either with her either, I tolerated her antics and lack of being a Wife to me, being out of a job for so long and not too interested in looking for one on top of other issues I discussed, shared chores around the house, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry, it all declined over the last 3-5 years. I often had to wear dirty clothes because I didn't have time to do the laundry for myself.
I really cannot figure it out, she is confident and mixed on her decision, like it bounces back and forth.
She has no remorse for what she is doing, won't disclose any details, to be honest I think she is being manipulated because Instagram is full of con artists. The fact the person is claiming to be a celebrity who is extremely busy at the moment and happily married (I'm guessing based on the info I found and interviews) for a long time with kids.
I read the reason for feeling no remorse is because she is using this guy as an excuse to get out of our relationship, it's just the means to an end.
I'm not happy either with her either, I tolerated her antics and lack of being a Wife to me, being out of a job for so long and not too interested in looking for one on top of other issues I discussed, shared chores around the house, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry, it all declined over the last 3-5 years. I often had to wear dirty clothes because I didn't have time to do the laundry for myself.
I’ll bet you’ve given her more thought and attention since you’ve found out about this than you ever have. Lol
No, I did not disclose on here everything I did and have done for her the past 18 years, I did not neglect her completely, I know I made mistakes but this is a two way street as stated. We been through a lot together and talking to each other was a daily thing, we always talked and showed each other attention since day 1.
I spoiled her with material things, not that they fill voids, I also took her on romantic trips on her birthday annually when I could afford it.
If she wanted a new handbag, I said how much, okay go ahead, on my cc and she has plenty of them along with shoes. I even gave her a cc in her name tied to my account so she would never be without funds.
She had multiple new cars, when I was driving and old beater, she is still buying stuff as of yesterday, make-up and clothing, I could cut her off, but it's futile because she will get 50% of my 401K regardless. It's not about the money anymore.
People change, that's all I can say, I feel I don't know the woman she is now.
Agree with this and am starting to think that maybe THIS is her point.
The OP admitted that he is part of the problem with the relationship. Sounds like things got stale - really, really, stale - and both of them were waiting for the other to do something about it. This is her attempt to break the logjam.
Oh, it's poorly thought out, but it is having an affect. Negative attention is still attention and it sounds like she is getting more of the OP's now than she did before.
OP, you really haven't answered the underlying question. What is it that you want to have happen out of all of this? Maybe I missed the point where she actually had sex with this guy. If that's the case, please proceed to the exit in a calm and orderly fashion. If not, would counseling actually be a better choice, at this point? Or are you so determined to "win" the battle, that you are willing to overlook your needs to do so?
Just some food for thought as the actions she has taken recently seem to be targeting your responses directly. The why is the question you need to ask yourself if you want to have answered or not.
No, she supposedly met him in person, she is not telling me anything I pressed her for info and only what I found that had a name of a famous celebrity on it and her claiming she was talking to the real deal which is a red flag, especially since she was contacted on Instagram. She said last night when I asked, is he who he say he is she said "I don't know", so either she is being evasive or just too manipulated to know the difference.
Her actions are mixed, she is vague and secretive, doesn't seem to be living in reality.
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