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Old 10-14-2018, 10:21 AM
 
Location: USA
371 posts, read 377,702 times
Reputation: 94

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Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
She told me she doesn't want anything from me, no alimony or money, Get that in writing from her and file for divorce!!!! You talk about expensive..well to tell you the truth...the amount of money YOU have spent on her all these years FAR exceeds what it will cost for you to get that divorce! Get it!! Why you chose to stay with someone who make excuses in the job dept is beyond me.Supporting someone who is lazy and cheating on you...why would you do that?Get that divorce started tomorrow.Of course she will not help you pay for it...she doesn't have a job! Which you have put up with for years...so don't be surprised about that.Stop the talk about couples counseling...she is NOT wanting to do that.You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do and THAT is an indicator what they obviously thing about the relationship.Let her go to this guy and YOU get out of this mess.You deserve to be free of all of this.Life is too short.Start getting your finances in order...put the house up for sale so you don't have to be living in the same place with her...Act now...the marriage is over.She never respected it to begin with and your wife didn't do a 360...she was always like this BUT you refuse to have seen the red flags...which you yourself had stated...like the fact that when you met her...she was STILL in a relationship with another guy...
Don't you get it,...never get involved with someone who is in a relationship because THEY will eventually do the same thing to do in the end.
Not a bad suggestion on getting what she said in writing.

See my reply above on the money I spent and the history, it's only a short list. I could write a book on this.

All I can say is, she is living this fantasy with this guy, the letter's I read that she typed and claimed were like diary entries, sound ironically similar to what she was saying to me when I met her online. I think at that time, she was trapped in her relationship and felt like she couldn't be single and move out, she did move out and got her own place but financially she wasnt' able to do it and knew that I was going to be there to assist.

It's like history is repeating itself, the notes I read, her sexual fantasy with this guy, all is like deva vu.

I don't want to say anything else to her about this guy, because it's not going anywhere, she is being shady and untrustworthy. I do want to say to her flat out, "did you ask this guy if you can move in with him and have him financially support you, pay for your lifestyle, car and all living expenses?" Nothing will change, she will not find a job making good money and be self sufficient, I don't like talking that way but that's just how it's been with her, she is well aware of it just too jaded now to realize it.

Getting involved with someone from her standpoint is not a good move, I flat out told her to be single for a while and get her life in order, but she just looked at me like a deer in headlights. If this guy she is chatting with is well off, then she will be good, I will wish her the best, but her old habits and faults won't change, no matter how much money someone provides.

 
Old 10-14-2018, 10:25 AM
 
Location: USA
371 posts, read 377,702 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
She told me she doesn't want anything from me, no alimony or money,


Great! Then if you want to know the whole truth of the situation, tell her 'fine' and to get out
Let lover boy support her
If you are really ready to let her go, her financial situation shouldn't be anything you're concerned about
Remember she is living a fantasy, but in reality this guy may be like me back when we met online, difference was she wasn't married at the time and the guy she was with was nothing like me, was abusive and financially did not help her out a 1/10 of what did over the past 18 years.
 
Old 10-14-2018, 10:32 AM
 
Location: USA
371 posts, read 377,702 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
I'm just saying you don't need copies of her emails, notes, etc. The court is NOT going to determine fault.. Who gets what is based on state law; fault does not have any impact at all.

Taking copies of that stuff is only going to cause you more emotional pain. Don't do it.
I know, no fault nothing can be used against her, I guess it's more or less having that stuff as a means of knowing what she did to me, to be honest she was misleading me for a while, kept this a secret and did not have the balls to just flat out tell me, there is someone else and it's not going to work out, why? I know why, because she didnt' want to face reality, she wanted time to develop this relationship so she could cleanly make a break, possibly move in with this guy.

Her line to me was I was going to tell you, I'm going to get a job and get my own place and I don't want anything from you. I'm like, easier said then done especially in CA.

She has to live with the consequences of her actions, after she left the last guy, she was an emotional wreck for a while. Long story.

If she can just erase her emotions with our life the past 18 years and move on that easy, I'll be shocked.

She use to make this comment before we got married, granted that is my fault for dragging out the marriage but face it there was a lot of baggage and other issues.

The comment, was "having the milk without owning the cow". When you look at things, who does that really apply to here?
 
Old 10-14-2018, 10:32 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,613,291 times
Reputation: 12523
Quote:
Originally Posted by high_plains_drifter View Post

I don't want to say anything else to her about this guy, because it's not going anywhere, she is being shady and untrustworthy. I do want to say to her flat out, "did you ask this guy if you can move in with him and have him financially support you, pay for your lifestyle, car and all living expenses?" Nothing will change, she will not find a job making good money and be self sufficient, I don't like talking that way but that's just how it's been with her, she is well aware of it just too jaded now to realize it.

Getting involved with someone from her standpoint is not a good move, I flat out told her to be single for a while and get her life in order, but she just looked at me like a deer in headlights. If this guy she is chatting with is well off, then she will be good, I will wish her the best, but her old habits and faults won't change, no matter how much money someone provides.
This makes it sound as though you are still hoping she will come to her senses. Are you?
 
Old 10-14-2018, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,761,388 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
This makes it sound as though you are still hoping she will come to her senses. Are you?
That, mixed with a little bit of wanting to prove how good he made life for her.

The fact that she is ready to walk without even a second thought about that SHOULD be a wake-up call for him.
 
Old 10-14-2018, 10:43 AM
 
Location: USA
371 posts, read 377,702 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by reds37win View Post
Have you talked with her to find out what her plans are? If she wants to leave and be with Mr. Internet, maybe you can come up with a plan to make that happen.

She's living in a fantasy right now and would probably be agreeable to a few stipulations if it meant reaching her goal faster. Better to take advantage of that time now than to wait for something to fall through and then have you, again, stuck together in a nowhere relationship. Whatever you can do to move her towards her goal is only going to help you mentally and financially, in the long run.
I tried, all I could get out of her is that she is looking for a job and will get her own place, but as stated, that's easy to say. She won't move into a dump, she is too picky and anything of her taste here is expensive.

She may have been trying to play the game till the relationship progressed where she felt comfortable moving in with him, I dunno? Up until a few days ago, she was herself, "Let's go out to eat here" "let's go to the mall" and etc. she never had a serious talk with me and it's like I was being played, which hurts. I knew there was issues, I was working on changing things and did. She wasn't giving me the impression things were seriously in trouble. It wasn't till I caught her red handed did she do the 360.

It's easy for her to do things out of sight, when I'm at work, she is home call it Dr. Jeckyll Mr. Hyde, or whatever you may, split personailty disorder. You think you know someone, but you don't. You think she is sincere when she is jusy a liar and is fake.

She must think her her head that Mr.Goodbar will fill the voids, but when you look at the history here, she fails to realize that the same issues are prevalent that were there before I was involved with her. Also she is talking to someone who may not be equally truthful.
 
Old 10-14-2018, 10:52 AM
 
Location: USA
371 posts, read 377,702 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I think this ^^ is a good idea.

But I am reading a LOT of enabling language in the OP's posts, and it goes far beyond the fact that he loves her. And honestly the idea of working out a plan together for her to live out her fantasy sounds (emotionally) dangerous.

OP, your wife does this stuff because you (and all the guys before you) let her get away with it. You need to ask yourself why you keep giving her a pass, and what it is about you that makes you think you're not worth standing up for and drawing a line.

I mean .... actions have consequences, and once y'all stopped farting around and got married, she said vows that she has now violated. And there should be consequences for that.

In my opinion, you should worry WAY less about how she's gonna make it and think a lot more about the decisions you made over the past 20 years that got you here. Make some proactive choices so you don't have to walk around with this, 'Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?" attitude.

Cut.her.loose. Let her figure it out. I guarantee you she will be fine and find a way to survive (i.e. another man), and when you see how easily and quickly she does, you will feel foolish for helping make it so easy for her.
I agree with you, I just want to get out of this in a way where I have the better hand. Emotionally, since I'm not the one doing the dirty deeds, I can be devoid of that while she will likely carry the burden for a long time and trust me she will based on her prior history.

I don't want to be living in the same house with her while she is chatting and building a relationship with this guy, because it's not healthy for me. I also don't want to be dealing with her meeting up with him at some point while under this roof, I believe that even if it's just separation, there is nothing I can do about it other then file divorce.

She has a lot of issues that this person doesnt' even know about.

The fact she is living in a fantasy now, doesn't make her realize all that's at stake and I'm not saying that in a I want to fix this and be with you way, it's just that she is not thinking coherent. If she had a good job ,her own health insurance, and stability, it would be easy for her to leave, that is not the case here at all.
 
Old 10-14-2018, 10:58 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,761,388 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by high_plains_drifter View Post
I agree with you, I just want to get out of this in a way where I have the better hand.
You already have the upper hand, mostly. At this point you just need to focus on getting out.

Absolutely you should not allow any of that double dipping while y'all are still living together, and it's perfectly OK for you to say that.
 
Old 10-14-2018, 11:01 AM
 
Location: USA
371 posts, read 377,702 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
This makes it sound as though you are still hoping she will come to her senses. Are you?
No, all I suggest to her is this:

-Get a job and be self sufficient
-Move out and live by herself and not date or get involved with anyone till she finds herself.


If this is all sexual driven, which I believe it is, because i read some of her notes as she said they are like diary fantasies, but when you read them it's like she is talking about sexual desires more so than finding someone who will fulfill her needs more than that. Along with that, finding a job and being able to take care of yourself. We are not spring chickens.

As stated, I tried to be intimate with her, but she wasnt' interested and at the time it wasn't me but was due to grieving over loss of a family member. I guess I gave up trying, maybe that's my fault but she didn't help. So reading these sexual fantasies she has on this guy, so soon after meeting him leads me to believe she is not thinking logical. Sex can only go so far in a relationship.

Then again it was nearly identical with me when i met her, so that alone should answer the question.
 
Old 10-14-2018, 11:01 AM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,608,099 times
Reputation: 12334
Quote:
Originally Posted by high_plains_drifter View Post
I tried, all I could get out of her is that she is looking for a job and will get her own place, but as stated, that's easy to say. She won't move into a dump, she is too picky and anything of her taste here is expensive.

She may have been trying to play the game till the relationship progressed where she felt comfortable moving in with him, I dunno? Up until a few days ago, she was herself, "Let's go out to eat here" "let's go to the mall" and etc. she never had a serious talk with me and it's like I was being played, which hurts. I knew there was issues, I was working on changing things and did. She wasn't giving me the impression things were seriously in trouble. It wasn't till I caught her red handed did she do the 360.

It's easy for her to do things out of sight, when I'm at work, she is home call it Dr. Jeckyll Mr. Hyde, or whatever you may, split personailty disorder. You think you know someone, but you don't. You think she is sincere when she is jusy a liar and is fake.

She must think her her head that Mr.Goodbar will fill the voids, but when you look at the history here, she fails to realize that the same issues are prevalent that were there before I was involved with her. Also she is talking to someone who may not be equally truthful.

This woman is not going anywhere. She just got caught red-handed like you said and she doesn't want to give up her affair so she's trying to save face by pretending to be tough, but like you said, she does not even have a plan, nor has she thought about it realistically and it sounds like things are going to continue this way (including continuing her affair while living under your roof) unless you make her DO something. And now that you've explained things in this post quoted, YES, she is going to ask for alimony if you divorce, even though she has stated that she won't (and even if she put it in writing - which she won't). Because she has nothing.
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