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I’ll stop watching any porn or looking at anything else like that when my fiancé is available and willing 3-4 times a day, but since most girls aren’t in the mood that often, it’s none of your business. It’s like a girl saying “I won’t do such and such even if you love it,” cool well you won’t be the only girl I’m with then. You get EITHER / OR, you can choose to make your partner happy in every way they want, OR you can choose not to and allow them to get it elsewhere, but you can’t say “I’m the only woman you can be with but I don’t do this so you’ll never have it the rest of the days you live.” Ha! Get real! So I certainly don’t expect my GF to be available whenever I’m in the mood but neither can she say, “I don’t want to do stuff just whenever you want, but also you can’t deal with it yourself, either.” No sorry that’s not an option, thanks for playing though!!
It’s unreasonable of me to expect her to be in the mood as much as me, and I’m not bothered she isn’t at all, but what I look at harmlessly alone doesn’t impact anything whatsoever. I’m loyal to only her, so be careful about saying your BF can’t see porn, he’ll just lie about it anyway. Its only a problem if he chooses porn over you, but that would just be weird. Guys are visual, though, so the idea of saying 1) You can’t look at porn, 2) Sometimes I’m not in the mood and so you should not do anything sounds like a young girl attitude with zero understanding of how guys work.
It’s like breakfast, I don’t expect you to cook it, but it’s happening with or without you. I’m eating breakfast. If you want to cook it, great, if not that’s fine but I’m still hungry and going to eat it. I don’t think some girls “get that.” I don’t go to bed hungry and I don’t go to bed horny, either.
All of this is just justification, really. It's not necessary. The bottom line is, you see this as a need. That's fine. Everyone's got needs. A healthy relationship has to require two people being able to honestly express their needs and understand and consent to each other's needs.
In another place you talked about needing your girlfriend to not go to parties or talk to other guys. That'd be a dealbreaker for me. I have social needs. They are needs for me, and no amount of a guy explaining why his needs are "right" and mine are "wrong" will work. Some men say that when they are in a relationship and getting whatever is "enough" sex for them, they no longer need porn. It isn't a need for them. I might be gently trying to point out that you feel entitled to control your partner, but insist she does not control you. Porn use might feel an awful lot like disloyalty to some women; just as social interactions with other men feels that way to you. And THAT might not feel like disloyalty to HER. But only those in the relationship can do negotiations on those things, an outsider's opinion (like mine) means nothing.
If one person's needs break the deal for the other, and no compromise can be reached, then negotiations fail and there is a lack of compatibility. It's not cool for one person to just expect the other to stay but give way in all aspects, to the detriment of their happiness and emotional wellbeing.
In my case, while I have some issues of my own about the whole porn thing, it is not a need for me that my partner not do it. Not a hill I am willing to die on. Just a discomfort I struggle with at times. I do not use my discomforts to try and control him; he doesn't do that to me, either.
As I've said, this is emotional stuff, what I wrote. I "know" better but my heart doesn't care. It just feels what it feels. I've thought that if I could find a way to enjoy watching porn maybe I'd feel differently, and I tried but I just can't. Erotic writing doesn't "do it" for me either, nor romance in films, for me it's all just stuff in my head. And I'm not thinking about specific people or their looks or body types, only acts and scenarios, as though I were experiencing them myself, first from one point of view, and then another.
Frankly though, when I saw how it could be for my boyfriend, needing to search and search for good content and taking hours to get the job done as he does (lifetime habituation) I felt kind of sorry for him. I can take care of my own needs with my own imagination in under 5 minutes, and never have the cumbersome requirement to look for stimulating videos in an endless sea of clips. What he does seems very inefficient.
But also for whatever it is worth, every woman I've ever met in my life, even the most legendary beauties in my social circles, the stunners who render half the men and some of the women speechless in a room...STILL have body image issues and insecurities. Every single one.
Being in the community has helped me, as it's helped many of us, because we come to know this fact and also to see beauty in many body types, shapes, ages, colors, sizes...it does wonders for the confidence...but still, I am aware of all the ways in which I am not perfect.
The other message I've received in life, you hear from comedians and men making casual remarks, like they prefer beer to women because the beer doesn't nag or talk back or whatever, and things like that...it makes me feel like men would rather not have to care about my feelings or deal with like a whole person. With porn, they get the best, what they really want, the "visual" stimulation and they can fast forward through the segment where she gives an exposition on why she wanted to do this, and get right to the good stuff. No need to put up with a bunch of blah, blah, blah. No need to worry about treating a person decently. I've heard too much that makes me think, relationships are just a hassle men put up with to get sex, if they could just have the sex with a brainless body that would be to their preference.
Again...makes it all feel pretty futile, and depressing.
Fortunately, I do know, when I stop feeling whiny and looking for things to confirm my self-pity biases, that it isn't really true. There's just a lot of fuel for negative self-talk out there, and porn is tied into it.
I'm sure there are folks out there fitting this description, I guess to each his(and maybe her too) own.
The suggestion that men's libido is more visually based and women's more mentally based might explain our watching porn while you prefer your imagination?
I'll admit to paid encounters which were not more than sex with a brainless body and being ultimately left quite cold by the whole thing. It's almost like fancy masturbating.
I know you didn't say otherwise but I suspect a fair number of us guys really do want a 'connection' and a real relationship. It's nice to be part of a pair. (or however many floats your boat)
I'm sure there are folks out there fitting this description, I guess to each his(and maybe her too) own.
The suggestion that men's libido is more visually based and women's more mentally based might explain our watching porn while you prefer your imagination?
I'll admit to paid encounters which were not more than sex with a brainless body and being ultimately left quite cold by the whole thing. It's almost like fancy masturbating.
I know you didn't say otherwise but I suspect a fair number of us guys really do want a 'connection' and a real relationship. It's nice to be part of a pair. (or however many floats your boat)
I don't try to extrapolate these sorts of things onto all humans of a gender, not in my thinking mind anyhow. That's the stuff of negative self talk, those absolutes, always/never, things. To the point, I know many women who say they love porn. So I'm not comfortable saying that what is true for me, says anything at all about women. No one elected me to represent my gender!
And similarly, not all men are really that into porn. It feels like it's all men sometimes, but it's not. We've had guys here say that if they're satisfied with a partner, they rarely or never use it...and I've met a guy or two who just wasn't into it at all. Including one man who was a heath nut of sorts (into the whole SELF as a temple concept, but not in a religious way) who felt that porn was not healthy to his mind, so he swore it off and avoided it entirely.
Everyone does what works for them.
But that's why I say it's MY STUFF because I know the roots in childhood attachments and interactions, that led to me feeling as though my loved ones cannot possibly truly love me back, it's psychology stuff way beyond the scope of this conversation. The whole concept of my partner enjoying porn just triggers it, that's all, as not many things do. But I don't believe that I must always be in a state of perfect emotional comfort. Sometimes part of growing is getting through stuff like this. Rather than demanding that other people take ownership of my issues and change their behavior to make me comfortable. If that makes sense?
I’m completely opposed to porn, alone or together, for reasons of sexual health and psychological effects on both men and women. Erotica, role playing, fantasies and kinks of varying kinds, those are all gravy. But the deleterious effects of porn far outweigh the benefits and researchbacks this up. It’s a big NOPE from me and my partner, and has been our whole marriage.
“There really isn’t the science to demonstrate that porn is in and of itself harmful and addictive,” Ian Kerner, a licensed psychotherapist and sex counselor, told Fox News. “That has not been, in my estimation, scientifically or clinically proven.”
I’m completely opposed to porn, alone or together, for reasons of sexual health and psychological effects on both men and women. Erotica, role playing, fantasies and kinks of varying kinds, those are all gravy. But the deleterious effects of porn far outweigh the benefits and research backs this up. It’s a big NOPE from me and my partner, and has been our whole marriage.
Same with us, except it was ok until it became a huge addiction for hubs and interfered with our sex life.
So when an adult woman friend who does like porn told me she enjoys it because she can imagine herself in the roles on the screen, I just felt that same disconnect. My brain doesn't work like that.
I don't try to extrapolate these sorts of things onto all humans of a gender, not in my thinking mind anyhow. That's the stuff of negative self talk, those absolutes, always/never, things. To the point, I know many women who say they love porn. So I'm not comfortable saying that what is true for me, says anything at all about women. No one elected me to represent my gender!
And similarly, not all men are really that into porn. It feels like it's all men sometimes, but it's not. We've had guys here say that if they're satisfied with a partner, they rarely or never use it...and I've met a guy or two who just wasn't into it at all. Including one man who was a heath nut of sorts (into the whole SELF as a temple concept, but not in a religious way) who felt that porn was not healthy to his mind, so he swore it off and avoided it entirely.
Everyone does what works for them.
But that's why I say it's MY STUFF because I know the roots in childhood attachments and interactions, that led to me feeling as though my loved ones cannot possibly truly love me back, it's psychology stuff way beyond the scope of this conversation. The whole concept of my partner enjoying porn just triggers it, that's all, as not many things do. But I don't believe that I must always be in a state of perfect emotional comfort. Sometimes part of growing is getting through stuff like this. Rather than demanding that other people take ownership of my issues and change their behavior to make me comfortable. If that makes sense?
I just want to say I really respect you laying out your feelings so incisively, and I appreciate reading what you're sharing here.
I am female and I don't have an issue with porn. If I was in a relationship I wouldn't have an issue with porn as long as it doesn't interfere with our sexual relations. Full disclosure, I am highly sexed so it helps, as certain men in my past are not as highly sexed as I am/have been.
I am a visually oriented and stimulated person. I also like reading and writing erotica, experimenting, visiting establishments etc...(Don't want to get too graphic in nature.) I also like role playing in terms of getting ideas to try out and imagine since I am single presently.
I was directed to porn initially because I was interested in an alternative lifestyle and it showed certain aspects I may not have considered without seeing it firsthand. I saw enough to where I experienced it directly. Sometimes seeing things, for me, determines if it is something I want to explore further!
Its a spicy thing for me, just adds to the quality of life for the better!
Last edited by FierceKaia; 10-20-2018 at 04:21 PM..
Reason: Adding information to post!
I don't have a problem with it until it us used as a substitute for sex with ones loved one/partner. If you have a willing body sitting next to you then why do you need porn?
I’ll stop watching any porn or looking at anything else like that when my fiancé is available and willing 3-4 times a day, but since most girls aren’t in the mood that often, it’s none of your business. It’s like a girl saying “I won’t do such and such even if you love it,” cool well you won’t be the only girl I’m with then. You get EITHER / OR, you can choose to make your partner happy in every way they want, OR you can choose not to and allow them to get it elsewhere, but you can’t say “I’m the only woman you can be with but I don’t do this so you’ll never have it the rest of the days you live.” Ha! Get real! So I certainly don’t expect my GF to be available whenever I’m in the mood but neither can she say, “I don’t want to do stuff just whenever you want, but also you can’t deal with it yourself, either.” No sorry that’s not an option, thanks for playing though!!
It’s unreasonable of me to expect her to be in the mood as much as me, and I’m not bothered she isn’t at all, but what I look at harmlessly alone doesn’t impact anything whatsoever. I’m loyal to only her, so be careful about saying your BF can’t see porn, he’ll just lie about it anyway. Its only a problem if he chooses porn over you, but that would just be weird. Guys are visual, though, so the idea of saying 1) You can’t look at porn, 2) Sometimes I’m not in the mood and so you should not do anything sounds like a young girl attitude with zero understanding of how guys work.
It’s like breakfast, I don’t expect you to cook it, but it’s happening with or without you. I’m eating breakfast. If you want to cook it, great, if not that’s fine but I’m still hungry and going to eat it. I don’t think some girls “get that.” I don’t go to bed hungry and I don’t go to bed horny, either.
Love your breakfast comment! What you said I agree with and its great you don't EXPECT anyone to keep up with your drive so thats respectful. In your case yes nothing wrong with it. But if you were to say that you have things on your mind and show no interest in your partner then you turn to porn..well then..not cool.
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