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Hi I am a 31 year old man who’s just had a break up in my first proper relationship (never loved anyone before). I could see the break up coming, but I thought and even suggested we spend time apart where she stays at parents place. I live in Helsinki in Finland and I am from England originally, I’ve been here for a year and a half and I met this woman last June from tinder, tinder being something I loathed and never thought I’d find anyone from there. She’s Finnish/russian with a pure Russian mentality, so clean, smells great, everything in order... she seemed like a woman who was friendly, but at the same time has a distance, it seemed strait away that I totally smashed her guard down and it all felt to good to be true, she even said if she met guys on first date and they wouldn’t dress smart then she wouldn’t see them again, and I turned up after the gym in a gym tracksuit and then had to rush off to football practice. Again what happened after felt to good to be true, it was like love at first site but didn’t want to scare her or myself.... we didn’t live with each other for 2 months and in that time things moved so fast, we ended up taking an apartment together and then went on holiday... it was on holiday I finally admitted to myself I actually love this woman, and I would throw myself in front of a bus for her, I couldn’t ever imagine myself without her, before it was to easy to let go and accept things wouldn’t work for whatever reasons... I just realised I absolutely love her. And I never wanted to tell her this because it might scare her, and she claims that she didn’t or doesn’t believe in true love.... but doing soul searching for the last week and reflecting I think she did, just by things she said and the way she acted..... she never gave a damn about football before she met me, she didn’t even care about how russia will do in the World Cup; yet she was glued to screens with me to watch games, even came to watch my games also. The burden of me being scared of losing her drove her away and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Especially telling her I love her and that I don’t want my life to carry on without her until the day I die (I mean this even now)
We argue as we usually do about stupid stuff we never once argued about something meaningful, oh why did you forget to take the spam out again etc etc, but it got to the stage where I took things personally even when she was saying that I need new clothes etc.... I wasn’t ever violent I lost it at her once when I said you’re just a ****ing idiot you’re 28 years old and it’s like arguing with an 8 year old etc etc and she said to me “oh wow is that your worst?” I said yeah pretty much so let’s jus go to the shop.
Two times we had a heated argument where I went to give her 100 euros while we pick up keys to apartment and I had to be somewhere in a rush strait after, i I was so she could get cleaning stuff for the apartment so again nothing major and typical the supermarket didn’t have a cash machine, then the argument got bad for no real reason and she even said she wanted to jump off the motorway bridge, at this point I didn’t antagonise her any further I cried with her and said there’s no need to be like this, I told you I would meet you tonight to give you money with father to go out and spend..
Here is the cause of the break up.... I am emotionally unstable, pure fear yet she worshiped me... I would take things personally, complaining etc, and my attitude changing, nothing toxic, no real personal hate....
It all makes sense now, she always says this you let your emotions get the better of you, and she is totally right, it’s only when something is, or could be to late you reflect and take responsibility....
She said just over a week ago that she’s lost feelings for me etc, it was a horrible feeling but I didn’t react so bad, it only hit home when we slept seperetely later that night.
Earlier in the day I went to play football, big headed whatever you wanna say, I was untouchable, dominated everybody, my best game for some time yet on the way there on the bus I was fantasising about suicide, I wanted to press an exit button on life if there was such a thing. It was like when my nan died in 2010, that terrible feeling that someone you love has died, and what could you have done to stop it? There was nothing because she had cancer in the blood, I watched her die I was one of her carers and I was helpless to do anything.... but with this it was my own actions that caused it, emotionally unstable, thinking I was not good enough for her, yet it was always her that said this about me, she came into my life when I wasn’t feeling that great, and pretty much had nothing.
Would it of been so different if I got the fact that I love her off my chest? The signs was there a lot that she wanted to hear and know this, but with my own insecurities in my warped head, it would make her feel trapped, how can something that’s meant to feel so great make me like this?
Can I win her back? I would do everything in my power to, I would jump in front of a train or bus for her, so why not!?
I came to meet her two days after the break up, I was an emotional mess, like not knowing what I was saying or thinking, her guard was fully up, looking at me like I had just killed a small puppy or something, she wouldn’t even give her parents who’ve done a lot for us presents, said she will put them in the bin.... so yeah I cut off Contact with people, I was emotionally all over the place, just spoke to a friend here, and my step father back home, she was really worried with her father they came into into my apartment next day, concerned about my well being etc...
We then had phone call next day and again, emotionally a mess, going round in circles with the same old stuff.... she says she wants us to move on, but yet always questions her decision with friends family and work colleagues and when she’s alone especially walking the dog.... I owe her money for what’s in the apartment and for her dads washing machine...
I secretly went to see her parents also to give them more presents and to just have a talk (through google translate), and her mum kept constantly breaking down, her father not so, just different emotions and they really like me, even contact me through WhatsApp from time to time. She refuses to tell her parents the reasons she broke up with me, and she absolutely can’t bring herself to say bad things about me, but will speak to me at times like I’ve done something terrible.
Today she said she doesn’t wanna speak to me on the phone or especially see me because I can’t keep my emotions stable, and I’m hysterical, you want to talk to me about money but you’re gonna wanna speak 20 minutes wanting me back etc. I told her that my emotions are calm now and the reason she didn’t answer is Cos I know she’s a headless chicken when she gets ready for work. I said I’m paying you money for stuff, I’m drowning right now yet you won’t even give me a final chance to talk with my emotions in check, so she then agreed to talk later
She accused me before of being selfish with especially money which i somewhat agree with, that slowly started to change after buying stuff for the apartment, expensive rent and holiday... she said Saturday that she didn’t believe I would pay a cent for anything.... so today she’s had 500 euros
Maybe the trust of me paying money has broken her guard down a little bit, and then of course hearing me talk about the subject of money will bring it down a little bit more, I totally lose control if this was last week, I did on one phone call which lasted 26 minutes, I woke her up and she was getting ready for work which she kept telling me about.
By being like this with my emotions, she actually said on that phone call that I push her away even further, was all I am doing just prodding a bear with a stick?
She even pretended that she was out drinking Saturday night, because she knew I was out.... yet I know with confidence she was just on her bed probably staying up watching a movie on the laptop. How do I know this? Her father told me.
How do I get through this? I pushed her away not because I’m a bad person, it’s because I’m emotionally unstable with the only woman I ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I understand that I must leave her alone when she’s angry and upset, “im better off single etc” yet she checks up on me at the apartment with her father to see if I’m ok, not announced, they’ve been in when I’m not there because one time the car pulled out the main road....
Any advice and help would be appreciated, I saw this coming, but was to unstable and stupid to do anything about it.
I know my problems, and my bad habits so I need to show change with my actions, the apartment is real clean and tidy how she would want it etc, she can’t see it like “oh he hasn’t changed he keeps forgetting to take the spam out etc” or if it looked like a junkie hang out or something “oh god I was his mum the whole time”... she will then see how she’s dodged a bullet and this is a guy who only promises to change if I come back to him and be his mum again?
But most importantly I need to keep my emotions in check
Hi I am a 31 year old man who’s just had a break up in my first proper relationship (never loved anyone before). I could see the break up coming, but I thought and even suggested we spend time apart where she stays at parents place. I live in Helsinki in Finland and I am from England originally, I’ve been here for a year and a half and I met this woman last June from tinder, tinder being something I loathed and never thought I’d find anyone from there. She’s Finnish/russian with a pure Russian mentality, so clean, smells great, everything in order... she seemed like a woman who was friendly, but at the same time has a distance, it seemed strait away that I totally smashed her guard down and it all felt to good to be true, she even said if she met guys on first date and they wouldn’t dress smart then she wouldn’t see them again, and I turned up after the gym in a gym tracksuit and then had to rush off to football practice. Again what happened after felt to good to be true, it was like love at first site but didn’t want to scare her or myself.... we didn’t live with each other for 2 months and in that time things moved so fast, we ended up taking an apartment together and then went on holiday... it was on holiday I finally admitted to myself I actually love this woman, and I would throw myself in front of a bus for her, I couldn’t ever imagine myself without her, before it was to easy to let go and accept things wouldn’t work for whatever reasons... I just realised I absolutely love her. And I never wanted to tell her this because it might scare her, and she claims that she didn’t or doesn’t believe in true love.... but doing soul searching for the last week and reflecting I think she did, just by things she said and the way she acted..... she never gave a damn about football before she met me, she didn’t even care about how russia will do in the World Cup; yet she was glued to screens with me to watch games, even came to watch my games also. The burden of me being scared of losing her drove her away and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Especially telling her I love her and that I don’t want my life to carry on without her until the day I die (I mean this even now)
We argue as we usually do about stupid stuff we never once argued about something meaningful, oh why did you forget to take the spam out again etc etc, but it got to the stage where I took things personally even when she was saying that I need new clothes etc.... I wasn’t ever violent I lost it at her once when I said you’re just a ****ing idiot you’re 28 years old and it’s like arguing with an 8 year old etc etc and she said to me “oh wow is that your worst?” I said yeah pretty much so let’s jus go to the shop.
Two times we had a heated argument where I went to give her 100 euros while we pick up keys to apartment and I had to be somewhere in a rush strait after, i I was so she could get cleaning stuff for the apartment so again nothing major and typical the supermarket didn’t have a cash machine, then the argument got bad for no real reason and she even said she wanted to jump off the motorway bridge, at this point I didn’t antagonise her any further I cried with her and said there’s no need to be like this, I told you I would meet you tonight to give you money with father to go out and spend..
Here is the cause of the break up.... I am emotionally unstable, pure fear yet she worshiped me... I would take things personally, complaining etc, and my attitude changing, nothing toxic, no real personal hate....
It all makes sense now, she always says this you let your emotions get the better of you, and she is totally right, it’s only when something is, or could be to late you reflect and take responsibility....
She said just over a week ago that she’s lost feelings for me etc, it was a horrible feeling but I didn’t react so bad, it only hit home when we slept seperetely later that night.
Earlier in the day I went to play football, big headed whatever you wanna say, I was untouchable, dominated everybody, my best game for some time yet on the way there on the bus I was fantasising about suicide, I wanted to press an exit button on life if there was such a thing. It was like when my nan died in 2010, that terrible feeling that someone you love has died, and what could you have done to stop it? There was nothing because she had cancer in the blood, I watched her die I was one of her carers and I was helpless to do anything.... but with this it was my own actions that caused it, emotionally unstable, thinking I was not good enough for her, yet it was always her that said this about me, she came into my life when I wasn’t feeling that great, and pretty much had nothing.
Would it of been so different if I got the fact that I love her off my chest? The signs was there a lot that she wanted to hear and know this, but with my own insecurities in my warped head, it would make her feel trapped, how can something that’s meant to feel so great make me like this?
Can I win her back? I would do everything in my power to, I would jump in front of a train or bus for her, so why not!?
I came to meet her two days after the break up, I was an emotional mess, like not knowing what I was saying or thinking, her guard was fully up, looking at me like I had just killed a small puppy or something, she wouldn’t even give her parents who’ve done a lot for us presents, said she will put them in the bin.... so yeah I cut off Contact with people, I was emotionally all over the place, just spoke to a friend here, and my step father back home, she was really worried with her father they came into into my apartment next day, concerned about my well being etc...
We then had phone call next day and again, emotionally a mess, going round in circles with the same old stuff.... she says she wants us to move on, but yet always questions her decision with friends family and work colleagues and when she’s alone especially walking the dog.... I owe her money for what’s in the apartment and for her dads washing machine...
I secretly went to see her parents also to give them more presents and to just have a talk (through google translate), and her mum kept constantly breaking down, her father not so, just different emotions and they really like me, even contact me through WhatsApp from time to time. She refuses to tell her parents the reasons she broke up with me, and she absolutely can’t bring herself to say bad things about me, but will speak to me at times like I’ve done something terrible.
Today she said she doesn’t wanna speak to me on the phone or especially see me because I can’t keep my emotions stable, and I’m hysterical, you want to talk to me about money but you’re gonna wanna speak 20 minutes wanting me back etc. I told her that my emotions are calm now and the reason she didn’t answer is Cos I know she’s a headless chicken when she gets ready for work. I said I’m paying you money for stuff, I’m drowning right now yet you won’t even give me a final chance to talk with my emotions in check, so she then agreed to talk later
She accused me before of being selfish with especially money which i somewhat agree with, that slowly started to change after buying stuff for the apartment, expensive rent and holiday... she said Saturday that she didn’t believe I would pay a cent for anything.... so today she’s had 500 euros
Maybe the trust of me paying money has broken her guard down a little bit, and then of course hearing me talk about the subject of money will bring it down a little bit more, I totally lose control if this was last week, I did on one phone call which lasted 26 minutes, I woke her up and she was getting ready for work which she kept telling me about.
By being like this with my emotions, she actually said on that phone call that I push her away even further, was all I am doing just prodding a bear with a stick?
She even pretended that she was out drinking Saturday night, because she knew I was out.... yet I know with confidence she was just on her bed probably staying up watching a movie on the laptop. How do I know this? Her father told me.
How do I get through this? I pushed her away not because I’m a bad person, it’s because I’m emotionally unstable with the only woman I ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I understand that I must leave her alone when she’s angry and upset, “im better off single etc” yet she checks up on me at the apartment with her father to see if I’m ok, not announced, they’ve been in when I’m not there because one time the car pulled out the main road....
Any advice and help would be appreciated, I saw this coming, but was to unstable and stupid to do anything about it.
I know my problems, and my bad habits so I need to show change with my actions, the apartment is real clean and tidy how she would want it etc, she can’t see it like “oh he hasn’t changed he keeps forgetting to take the spam out etc” or if it looked like a junkie hang out or something “oh god I was his mum the whole time”... she will then see how she’s dodged a bullet and this is a guy who only promises to change if I come back to him and be his mum again?
But most importantly I need to keep my emotions in check
Damn, son.
Yeah, you need to learn about regulating your emotions because frankly you do not need to be in a relationship with anybody right now.
Based on what you've written here, you're compulsive, needy, and insecure.
You require her validation to prove your own self-worth.
You moved in together WAY too soon, and your own perception of this relationship is out of whack. You don't need to talk about jumping in front of a bus for her. She's barely even convinced she loves you.
Have you ever been to a doctor about your anxiety before?
She has wanted to help me before, but I need to help myself and work on myself.... and learn from this!
I think winning her back might have be down to me changing, showing improvements right? I’m prepared to get help, and reflect
You should not try to win her back.
Any work you do should be for you. Besides, you want to be with someone who WANTS to be with you. You should not have to convince her to be with you.
Stop covertly communicating with her parents and using it against her. Let her move out, and see a doctor about your anxiety. It does sound like you could make better choices in the future if you were more sure of your own self-worth, instead of needing the constant affirmation of a girlfriend to feel good about yourself.
Any work you do should be for you. Besides, you want to be with someone who WANTS to be with you. You should not have to convince her to be with you.
Stop covertly communicating with her parents and using it against her. Let her move out, and see a doctor about your anxiety. It does sound like you could make better choices in the future if you were more sure of your own self-worth, instead of needing the constant affirmation of a girlfriend to feel good about yourself.
Of course it’s for me, and hopefully for us to move forward, I’m going to leave her alone for a week or two now anyway.... and focus on myself, seek help etc
Of course it’s for me, and hopefully for us to move forward, I’m going to leave her alone for a week or two now anyway.... and focus on myself, seek help etc
I’m more calm now, reflecting etc
Right now you are, but what happens in 12 hours when you are lonely and your mind wanders ... will you do something impulsive again?
You two need to take a break and regroup. Really try to see a doc.
Nope, definitely going to shut off from it, training again properly and focusing on other goals....
Just focus on improving myself, even if that’s reaching out for professional help.
It's never a bad plan, especially at your age.
Try to maintain a moderate view of things as you progress. No more of this "all or nothing" thinking. She may be the one for you, or she may not. You have to be open to that possibility.
Try to maintain a moderate view of things as you progress. No more of this "all or nothing" thinking. She may be the one for you, or she may not. You have to be open to that possibility.
Good luck!
You don’t even know me and yet got the drift that it’s all or nothing...
I need to focus step by step right now leave each other alone for a week or two atleast....
Also focus on my own self improvements and even small things like early nights will help especially for my training and football, it stops the over thinking process that can kick in.
It’s hard to take but I need to sort my **** out
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