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It occurred to me that growing up, I did not have any good role model couples that I could observe how they get through disagreements. My parents didn't deal with disagreements well and split up after a few decades together, but I do remember their disagreements not going well. Subsequently, in the 2 main relationships that I have had, we did not get through disagreements well at all either. So now I find myself wondering what it actually looks like (not just the theory or a description you read) when a couple gets through them successfully. Successful, meaning that both parties come out of it feeling satisfied and there is no resentment and definitely no ugliness. Sadly, I can not think of one instance where I have seen a couple do this with my own eyes. I don't know what it looks like. Not saying I don't know any successful or happy couples, I do, I've just never seen them have a disagreement. So now I'm here asking you folks, at least the successful couples here, what does it look like when you get through a disagreement successfully with your partner? How does it start? How does it progress? How does it end? What are you temperaments? Do you just not disagree at all? What's the deal?
I didn't have healthy conflict resolution modeled for me either. My parents...my Dad would stay away from home and cheat on my Mom, my Mom would silently try to cope but nurse grudges and anger and blow up at unexpected and unpredictable times (she is SUCH a Scorpio.) When my Dad was around, he'd be drunk, which also meant unpredictable, as he might be laughing or he might be trying to kill people. I learned to fear anger and displays of it from an early age, and that alcohol makes people terrifying. I also learned to hide, avoid, and deceive if necessary, to avoid the anger of my parents. And that the older caregivers in my life were the ones I could trust to be calm and loving.
But you don't become aware of your programming and your triggers until you gain a certain level of maturity and do the work to become self aware. Most people are not.
So the marriage...in the early years, we'd yell and break stuff. Then I had kids and keeping anger and conflict out of their home-space was my priority. I would NOT allow home to be a scary place for them. I didn't realize that this was my motivation, but it was. I just began shifting my behavior, unknowingly manipulating my husband as well. So conflict then, was, first of all directed out of the house. The car, the yard, the garage. Anywhere the kids could not see or hear. And secondly, I became very cold. Either I was doing the "silent treatment" form of abuse to him, or else I was reacting to his narcissistic rages with "grey rock" treatment, I'm not even sure anymore. But I put my energy into shutting down conflict rather than escalating it, even if that meant no resolutions were possible. Well, they weren't anyways, because he wasn't able to fight productively, it was just explosions and sarcasm and hyperbole from him. Lots of talking, no listening. Maybe that was part of my silence, too...I knew he didn't care how I felt and wasn't listening to what I said. I started just saying, "I'm not going to fight with you. Fight with yourself, yell at a wall, go somewhere else if you have to be angry, I'm not engaging in this." Gradually he did get most of his anger under control, for many years, until the last year or two.
Nothing happening there was healthy.
So after all that, and how badly it ended... I was determined to do better. I was in a group where we discuss communication strategies, relationship building via negotiation and not assumption, building a relationship to suit those in it, and mindful relating. Non violent communication. All that stuff. It's funny, I can refer to the kink community and people might think of something sleazy or at least totally sex-focused, but no. We have so many talks and classes and workshops and discussion groups. Relationship education is probably the biggest part of it. We are all learning and teaching each other a lot of philosophies all the time. You just cannot safely do this stuff if you suck at communicating. And that of course involves conflict handling.
The first thing is to KNOW THYSELF. You need to understand who you are, what your programming is, and what you need. So that you can look for it, and ask for it if necessary. So, knowing myself and what I need...I need a partner who has a lot of self-discipline and self-control. Someone who is not prone to angry displays, shouting, or destructiveness. No alcohol or drugs. What did I find? A Zen Buddhist. Hey, perfect.
So conflict for us... Both of us are similarly inclined to first consider if it is truly worth pushing our grievance. I was annoyed at where he put some boxes one time. But he really wants to keep them there. Is that worth getting actually angry about? No. I'm sure there have been a number of small, trivial things, that he's never even mentioned to me, because he does not like conflict any more than I do. If it doesn't matter, and you can let it go, then let it go. But when it does matter, and at least once I can think of we had a situation where it did... We use non-violent communication strategies. We talk about how we feel (he felt hurt, and he did not hide that behind anger) we take the immediacy out of it and try to lay any looming threat in the situation to rest (what you worry about me doing, I do not plan to do) we come up with tools to talk about things if need be. We invented a thing called "sandbox mode." This is where if either of us needs to process an idea in the hypothetical, with the understanding that it is not allowed to touch reality, we can say absolutely ANYTHING and talk about it and process it. Like when you're doing computer programming in a "sandbox" or virtual environment so as not to break the actual program or harm the computer. We needed a unique way to look at and discuss things, so we invented one. It works for us.
I've been married 16 years. I fully expect that short of death, we've got a lot more years together. I consider us a successful couple.
We have very few arguments. Certainly far far fewer than my mom and dad had, and they were married many many years, until my dad died.
One of the "worst" disagreements me and my husband had occured relatively soon into our marriage. We were at a family New Year's Eve party, and my husband and BIL got extremely drunk. That in itself was OK. No one was getting hurt, I was sober, so safe ride home, yadda yadda yadda. Well, my husband's nephew, who's also drunk, starts picking a fight with another relative. (ALL these folks on my husband's side of the family.)
I see things are starting to get out of hand. I try to persuade my drunk husband that it's time to leave. He gets beligerent, I get mad, throw the keys at him, and tell him to figure out for himself how he's getting home.
Not cool behavior at all, by either of us. His nephew takes him home. The nephew who was picking a fight. The nephew that had picked arguments with me a couple of times previous.
My SIL, who was sober, thought it best that I stay at her house. She was afraid that things would escalate. I was fine with that. I spent the night at her house.
The next morning, my husband wakes up at home, and doesn't remember **** about the night before. All he knows is, he woke up alone, can't remember anything, and figures he must've screwed up majorly. He figures I'm still at his sister's house, and calls and apologizes profusely.
I go home. We talk. I told him about how the night went. And then I told him "I will NEVER tell you who you can have in our house, and who you can't. Stan (the nephew) is your family, and I won't come between the two of you. But by the same token, I won't be around him. If he comes over, I go out. No hard feelings, no pouting, no pitching a fit. I just go to the movies, or go to my mom's or the mall or something. I won't be around him." He said he understood.
Coincidentally...his nephew has never been to our home since. He had been before...he'd come over and hang out and play video games with my husband sometimes on Friday nights...but after that incident, he was never at our home again.
Enough years have gone by, that I'd probably not leave if he came over. I've been around him since, at his house, at his mom's house...stuff like that. We're cordial.
At the end of the day, one can only change one's self. And then, have the courage of one's convictions. You can't change other people, but you might be able to make them want to change.
Im not half of a successful couple since my marriage ended in divorce. But when we were married we very seldom had disagreements. I came from a large household that fought often and fought well, i had no problems arguing and fighting. He came from a household that didn't do confrontation and so they swept things under the rug or threw money at it. He accepted my way of doing things simply because it was the path of less resistance. However, when he did speak up and disagree with me i knew it was important to him and in those cases i would yield.
New relationship. Im still a fighter and while he is still pretty laid back he doesn't allow me to have my way all the time, now when we disagree we can disagree for days. Im actually working on letting the small things go and as much as i resist im grateful that he pushes me out of my comfort zone. To be honest its more of an internal battle than anything else. One thing i did adopt however was using a sliding scale to come to an agreement. If im 10/10 dead set against something and he is a 6/10 for it, he will yield and vice versa.
There are a few ways. Always depends on the dynamics and tempers of people.
Some say "never get to bed angry" and resolve issues. Others need to step away and cool off and then come back with a more clear head to resolve an issue.
Overall, communication and negotiations are key. Don't be a doormat. Pick your battles. Don't be selfish. Don't overstep boundaries. Don't call each other names. Don't get disrespectful and don't say "you ALWAYS..." or "you NEVER..." Stay on topic. Find a solution both can live with. Don't sweep issues under the rug because they usually keep coming up over and over. Try not to be dramatic, resentful, nasty, or overly emotional. Don't "punish". Don't complain to other people about him, stick together no matter what.
Married 42 years here, and with same woman. We just never let disagreements become a fight to the finish. We might disagree, but then just table it for awhile, while we reconsider. But thankfully, my wife at times defers to my decision. I'm the head of the house. At times, when there is a decision to be made, someone has to make the final call. My wife defers to me. But, on many things, I let her make the final decision. Marriage Will never work if one person always gets their way. Then the other just becomes a slave.
It occurred to me that growing up, I did not have any good role model couples that I could observe how they get through disagreements. My parents didn't deal with disagreements well and split up after a few decades together, but I do remember their disagreements not going well. Subsequently, in the 2 main relationships that I have had, we did not get through disagreements well at all either. So now I find myself wondering what it actually looks like (not just the theory or a description you read) when a couple gets through them successfully. Successful, meaning that both parties come out of it feeling satisfied and there is no resentment and definitely no ugliness. Sadly, I can not think of one instance where I have seen a couple do this with my own eyes. I don't know what it looks like. Not saying I don't know any successful or happy couples, I do, I've just never seen them have a disagreement. So now I'm here asking you folks, at least the successful couples here, what does it look like when you get through a disagreement successfully with your partner? How does it start? How does it progress? How does it end? What are you temperaments? Do you just not disagree at all? What's the deal?
First of all, we are not hostages to our upbringing. We all have agency to observe, to think, and to change our lives accordingly. Even if your parents had a dysfunctional relationship, it should have taught you a great deal, if only to say, "Well, I won't be doing THAT." We all have brains after all.
My parents certainly didn't have a healthy marriage, chiefly because they were both kind of self-centered narcissists. It worked okay, but not without a lot of underlying tension. They had four kids. My sister and my oldest brother had a string of failed marriages because they basically emulated our parents.
On the other hand, my brother and I (I'm the youngest) have enjoyed lasting, strong marriages. If I had to pin it down, I think it's because both of us and our wives tend to be unselfish people who communicate well. At the same time, we both watched our parents' marriage and learned what not to do in an entire universe of ways, including handling money, raising children, and how to disagree. So we chose wisely and have understood the way to disagree in a healthy and above-board fashion. And our circles of friends have been intact for a long time. Literally no one in our circles have gotten a divorce. I can only name one couple who actually has a demonstrably unhappy marriage. We hardly socialize with them because it's so unpleasant being around them and their constant, low-grade bickering and sniping.
So what's the secret sauce?
First, if you and your spouse don't have some kind of shared value system, then you already have a relationship that's on shaky foundations. By that, I mean shared goals in life, shared beliefs whatever those might be, shared respect, and shared priorities when it comes to the mundane business of life such as money or kids or whatever. These values are far more important than abstractions such as politics or religious faith, because they represent your everyday approach to living.
Second, if you think of a relationship in terms of "yours and mine" rather than "ours" then it's pretty much doomed. You have to be all-in when it comes to marriage, emotionally, intellectually, and financially. This is why I don't think separate checking accounts are ever a good idea, no matter what anyone says. I've never seen a marriage last where both partners thought in terms of "Your money" and "My money." If you can't trust someone on that basic level, then you don't have a spouse. You have a bedmate.
If you adhere to these first two principles, then your chances of having a major disagreement are reduced almost to nil.
Third, you have to be as good at listening as you are at talking, and as good as giving as you are at taking. If you cannot listen to your spouse when he or she brings up a problem and objectively evaluate if you really need to change your ways, then you have larger problems. Because you have to give up part of yourself to create something far larger and better, that means that you need to make compromises between what you want and what your spouse wants. And you need to learn to do so without keeping score for the purposes of getting payback later. My wife and I have had disagreements for sure. But I can name one actual argument in the entire course of our 28-year marriage.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's really not all that hard if you're willing to pay attention and remain self-aware of your own actions and words.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 10-17-2018 at 10:36 AM..
Also...couples should be nice to each other. Think TOWARD your mate in little and big ways. Use basic manners even. Things that, when they add up, you know you're loved and appreciated by your mate.
So that, when you have a disagreement or an argument, you have a solid base of respect, love and appreciation built up. When cooler heads prevail, you KNOW this person loves you, and you love them, and are more apt to look together in the same direction.
Also...couples should be nice to each other. Think TOWARD your mate in little and big ways. Use basic manners even. Things that, when they add up, you know you're loved and appreciated by your mate.
So that, when you have a disagreement or an argument, you have a solid base of respect, love and appreciation built up. When cooler heads prevail, you KNOW this person loves you, and you love them, and are more apt to look together in the same direction.
I have to add a funny on something Sassybluesy posted first. A reporter was asking a 100 year old man what he attributed his long life to. He said "When my wife and I married we agreed not to argue. If we felt an argument building up, one of us would take a walk. The reason I've lived so long is I've been an outdoorsman most of my life." lol
My parents were married 66 years when my mother died in 2012. I always hoped to have a marriage like that. It took me 3 tries but finally have a successful marriage. The one thing I do for this marriage is little things to make my wife happy. Due to hip and back problems she can't do any house work because she can't stand up for more than 5 minutes or so without a lot of pain. I'm doing all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc., and don't mind it. She cries occasionally because I'm having to do it all but I tell her I don't mind. I remind of her the "in sickness and in health" I promised when we married. I also like to do little things for her. I'll send her a card in the mail every now and then just to tell her I love her. There's a lot of sightseeing to do in this area and I'll drive her around to look at things to get her out of the house. We bought a wheelchair through Walmart online so she wouldn't be limited on what she can see and do. The main thing that every marriage needs is I'm there for her and she's there for me. We can go 2 or 3 hours without saying a word, except for an "I love you" every now and then. Apologized to her for not being more talkative and she said I didn't need to be. Just the fact that I'm there for, and with her, is enough.
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