consent vs turning her off? (wife, married, women, kiss)
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My wife has always been the type to make it obvious when she's 'in the mood' or not, (or at least receptive to it), and we communicate well, so I can't say we've ever really had an issue.
The other night though, we were discussing sexual assault and consent. During the conversation, she said that while it's nice for a guy to ask something like "can I kiss you" or "is this OK" - that to her, it would quickly get to a point whether it's annoying and a turnoff, if he asks every time he touches her, it would be a turnoff and he would (in her words) "seem like a bit of a p****".
The other thing I've read is that if she's "not as into it as you are" then stop - but I know women I've been with, who would insist to their grave that everything that we did was "OK" who didn't outwardly show much enthusiasm and probably never would.
So where's the happy medium? I'm glad I'm old and married!
I post this as someone who is seriously concerned about the issue (as we all should be), so please don't mistake this for snark.
The other night though, we were discussing sexual assault and consent. During the conversation, she said that while it's nice for a guy to ask something like "can I kiss you" or "is this OK" - that to her, it would quickly get to a point whether it's annoying and a turnoff, if he asks every time he touches her, it would be a turnoff and he would (in her words) "seem like a bit of a p****".
I agree with your wife. If we are to that point, I want to feel like he wants me, and not like we are negotiating a peace treaty.
I believe this kind of uncertainty about consent, though, really only would happen in the very early stages of getting together and hopefully wouldn't be a regular part of physical interaction.
I would not want to be in my early 20s now. Now, with some people having consensual sex, and then the woman regrets it the next day and accuses the guy of something later because of that...
I've read numerous stories of this happening - and the truth often doesn't come out until things have progressed quite a ways - legally.
One lesson to take from that - don't have sex too early in a relationship.
But, I have seen ridiculous stories about what some college campus personnel push on the college kids. How the guy should ask the woman for everything, and maybe even get them to sign a consent form beforehand.
There are many ways to "ask permission" that are not quite so literal. Ask "does this feel good?", "how is this?","do you want to keep going?", "should I stop?". Even just moving in very slowly for a kiss to give her/him plenty of time to turn their head is something that is smart to do if you're not sure. Making sure that your positioning is not aggressive and overbearing so they can easily extricate themselves if they don't feel comfortable. People make this stuff difficult when it's really about being empathetic and making it easy for the other person to say NO. Of course, that's the last thing some guys want to do so they rush, and pressure, and don't ask, and put all their physical weight on a woman instead.
The asking permission recommendation is intended mainly for the first couple of times a couple has sex, so that there are no misunderstandings that might later lead to serious charges. After a couple knows each other well, and are in a steady relationship, generally it's not necessary, barring cases of deliberate marital rape, which used to be considered a husband's prerogative.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-27-2018 at 01:45 PM..
the asking permission recommendation is intended mainly for the first couple of times a couple has sex, so that there are no misunderstandings that might later lead to serious charges. After a couple knows each other well, and are in a steady relationship, generally it's not necessary, barring cases of deliberate marital rape, which used to be considered a husband's prerogative.
The govt has established a no win scenario for men.
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