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Old 10-27-2018, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Ohio
1,724 posts, read 1,596,543 times
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My wife has always been the type to make it obvious when she's 'in the mood' or not, (or at least receptive to it), and we communicate well, so I can't say we've ever really had an issue.


The other night though, we were discussing sexual assault and consent. During the conversation, she said that while it's nice for a guy to ask something like "can I kiss you" or "is this OK" - that to her, it would quickly get to a point whether it's annoying and a turnoff, if he asks every time he touches her, it would be a turnoff and he would (in her words) "seem like a bit of a p****".


The other thing I've read is that if she's "not as into it as you are" then stop - but I know women I've been with, who would insist to their grave that everything that we did was "OK" who didn't outwardly show much enthusiasm and probably never would.

So where's the happy medium? I'm glad I'm old and married!


I post this as someone who is seriously concerned about the issue (as we all should be), so please don't mistake this for snark.
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Old 10-27-2018, 11:38 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperDave72 View Post

The other night though, we were discussing sexual assault and consent. During the conversation, she said that while it's nice for a guy to ask something like "can I kiss you" or "is this OK" - that to her, it would quickly get to a point whether it's annoying and a turnoff, if he asks every time he touches her, it would be a turnoff and he would (in her words) "seem like a bit of a p****".
I agree with your wife. If we are to that point, I want to feel like he wants me, and not like we are negotiating a peace treaty.

I believe this kind of uncertainty about consent, though, really only would happen in the very early stages of getting together and hopefully wouldn't be a regular part of physical interaction.
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Old 10-27-2018, 12:41 PM
 
2,916 posts, read 1,507,330 times
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I would not want to be in my early 20s now. Now, with some people having consensual sex, and then the woman regrets it the next day and accuses the guy of something later because of that...

I've read numerous stories of this happening - and the truth often doesn't come out until things have progressed quite a ways - legally.

One lesson to take from that - don't have sex too early in a relationship.

But, I have seen ridiculous stories about what some college campus personnel push on the college kids. How the guy should ask the woman for everything, and maybe even get them to sign a consent form beforehand.

Crazy times we live in.
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Old 10-27-2018, 12:47 PM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,283,321 times
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There are many ways to "ask permission" that are not quite so literal. Ask "does this feel good?", "how is this?","do you want to keep going?", "should I stop?". Even just moving in very slowly for a kiss to give her/him plenty of time to turn their head is something that is smart to do if you're not sure. Making sure that your positioning is not aggressive and overbearing so they can easily extricate themselves if they don't feel comfortable. People make this stuff difficult when it's really about being empathetic and making it easy for the other person to say NO. Of course, that's the last thing some guys want to do so they rush, and pressure, and don't ask, and put all their physical weight on a woman instead.
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:20 PM
 
1,593 posts, read 773,000 times
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Don’t get involved with someone you don’t trust. (And who doesn’t trust you.)
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:23 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
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The asking permission recommendation is intended mainly for the first couple of times a couple has sex, so that there are no misunderstandings that might later lead to serious charges. After a couple knows each other well, and are in a steady relationship, generally it's not necessary, barring cases of deliberate marital rape, which used to be considered a husband's prerogative.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-27-2018 at 01:45 PM..
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:39 PM
 
2,949 posts, read 1,348,532 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
Don’t get involved with someone you don’t trust. (And who doesn’t trust you.)

Bingo!
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:41 PM
 
2,949 posts, read 1,348,532 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruth4truth View Post
the asking permission recommendation is intended mainly for the first couple of times a couple has sex, so that there are no misunderstandings that might later lead to serious charges. After a couple knows each other well, and are in a steady relationship, generally it's not necessary, barring cases of deliberate marital rape, which used to be considered a husband's prerogative.
+1
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Old 10-27-2018, 06:51 PM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,283,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
Don’t get involved with someone you don’t trust. (And who doesn’t trust you.)
Usually there is trust until someone does something unexpected...few people would say they get involved with someone they distrust.
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Old 10-28-2018, 04:33 AM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
10,379 posts, read 10,877,650 times
Reputation: 18713
The govt has established a no win scenario for men.
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