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This post is going to come off as a bit conceited, but I want to be honest as I am really struggling with something. First of I am gay and my struggle is making gay friends without out it turning into something. For most of my life, I have always been given a lot of attention both for my looks and personality. Be it school, work, people's friends/family, I'm always a hit and come down as well liked, stable, down to earth, and fun to be around with. Okay with that vain part of the way, here is my struggle.
Every time I try to make a friend that is gay, it just gets complicated. When I try to maintain a platonic friendship it all starts to go haywire. What happens then? My wall goes up. With my gay friends I start to wall myself up so much that I start to come off as cold. I am a Latin/Mediterranean mix so I am naturally a warm touchy person with EVERYONE. However, now I keep such a distance (physically and emotionally from gay friends) that I feel like I am restricting myself of who I am. I don't even want to date because just dealing with my gay friends and how they act with me is more than enough.
Here are some examples:
-If I make a new friend that is good looking, my friends that are gay start to get jealous and will keep probing me about what the deal is between myself and this new friend, EVEN when that new friend is not even gay. Even when I reiterate multiple times I am not interested in that person. But if they find out I want to the movies with Dave they will say "So tell me about you and Dave..." over and over and over again, even after I reiterate that I am not interested in him and that he is not even gay. Some even get anxious when that happens.
-One day I asked my friend how is parents visit from the UK was. His response was that it was good but that he was now so horny because he couldn't do anything sexually while they were there. I told him that he should take care of that business then (like you know masturbate or go hook up with someone). He then told me if I wanted to come over and help him get over his horniess that I could have sex with him. Me and him have never even kissed or anything like that. I was like no way.Friendship ended after that.
-I went to Europe with a good friend. When we first met 3 years ago, we had sex. It was a hookup that turned into a friendship. For the last 3 years it's been nothing but platonic where we never even discussed sex, just purely friendship stuff. If anything I looked up to him as a 'gay advisor' when I would date guys and get his advice as he's a little older. He joined me on the trip. The first night he tried to have sex with me, I didn't want to and rejected him. So the entire trip he got nasty towards me which I just ignored. On the last night he tried to manipulate me into having sex with him and I said no way, and set some boundaries with him. Two weeks after arriving from Europe, he texted saying he was upset on why I wouldn't have sex with him and wanted to know why I had rejected him. I ended the friendship from there.
-In a new attempt to make gay friends, I bumped into a friend's friend who I haven't seen in 5 years. He wanted to catch up, so we exchanged numbers. From the get go I told him I was strictly looking only for platonic relationships/friends, to not get confused that this was a date. He agreed to it. But when we grabbed drinks, he attempted to try something with me rubbing his foot against my legs, asking me about sexual positions even though I was trying to keep things as platonic as possible. I am now done with him too.
Then there are all the other friends with different scenarios. Only one friend do I feel comfortable with and that's because he's in a relationship and he has NEVER tried any funny business with me. He appreciates my personality and compliments me but it never goes there.
Sometimes I ask myself is the problem with me? People always tell me what a magnetic and attractive personality I have. My friends tell me how all their friends rave about me, but that's me just being me. I feel like with gay guys I can't be myself, or they start to develop something for me. My best friend she told me that I should be grateful to be wanted and desired. She sees how guys clamor over me, and others wish they had my problem. I told her I am grateful, but at the same time it's exhausting because I feel like any new gay guy I meet, I automatically have trust issues with because I don't know what their true intentions are, even when I lay out mine.
It's gotten to the point where it's depressing me that I am trying to connect with the community but it becomes such a cluster**** and I have to shut myself down (which that doesn't even make the guys back away).
As I understand it, that's just how a lot of gay guys are. You've said yourself in other threads that you've slept with most of your friends, and that it's just part of the culture.
As I understand it, that's just how a lot of gay guys are. You've said yourself in other threads that you've slept with most of your friends, and that it's just part of the culture.
So why the need to draw boundaries now?
I definitely don't think it's abnormal to have slept with some of your gay friends in the beginning when you first get to know them. In my experience that is very common in the community. The struggle is that once you get passed that, and try to keep things as platonic as possible, it just doesn't seem to work out.
The friend that I mentioned that has a boyfriend and I feel completely comfortable with, the first time we met we had sex. Then we realized that we were better off as friends and have been like that ever since. We have been able to do just fine. There are several friends that I have NOT had sex with and they keep bugging me or get jealous of others.
I would say what's bothering me is when I make it clear to them I am not interested in them and only see them as a friend, and they keep wanting to push something. In the past five months I will say that I have made an effort to NOT do anything sexual with anyone if I am looking just for friendship. Even stating it to someone I am not looking to date or have sex. But it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
I definitely don't think it's abnormal to have slept with some of your gay friends in the beginning when you first get to know them. In my experience that is very common in the community. The struggle is that once you get passed that, and try to keep things as platonic as possible, it just doesn't seem to work out.
The friend that I mentioned that has a boyfriend and I feel completely comfortable with, the first time we met we had sex. Then we realized that we were better off as friends and have been like that ever since. There are several friends that I have NOT had sex with and they keep bugging me or get jealous of others.
I would say what's bothering me is when I make it clear to them I am not interested in them and only see them as a friend, and they keep wanting to push something.
Welcome to the world of so many women #Metoo
If it’s only happening with your social circle consider yourself fortunate that you don’t get sexual advances at your job
I’m sorry this is happening to you but if you are trying to make friends with people who are attracted to your gender I don’t know if it’s realistic to expect it NOT to happen.
It’s why I don’t hang out with men.
I’m sure eventually word will get out in your social circle that you are looking for something serious (of course that means you can’t have a reputation for sleeping around)
I would say what's bothering me is when I make it clear to them I am not interested in them and only see them as a friend, and they keep wanting to push something.
Probably because they know you typically sleep with guys early on, so your declining to do so with them feels like an outright rejection.
Maybe you need stricter personal boundaries so that you only sleep with guys you're committed to. Then if these "friends" know this about you they won't expect it of you.
However, I think you're asking for the impossible here. Discretion is the problem AND the solution.
Probably because they know you typically sleep with guys early on, so your declining to do so with them feels like an outright rejection.
Maybe you need stricter personal boundaries so that you only sleep with guys you're committed to. Then if these "friends" know this about you they won't expect it of you.
However, I think you're asking for the impossible here. Discretion is the problem AND the solution.
Part of my solution is just not sleeping with people really, which is what I have stopped doing in the past year unless it's a hookup which those don't present problems. A few years ago I was exploring my sexuality and really enjoying it. Those friends that I have had sex with, they all come from that time period.
2 years ago I decided to become celibate and work on myself. Because I realized my sexual patterns and escapades were not the way to go. It was unhealthy for me. So for six months I had no sex, and no dating. Since then, about 1.5 years ago, I have really cleared things up for myself. Sex is limited to people I am dating or a hook up. Not friends. Since 1.5 years ago there has only been ONE friend I have slept, but he's a different category because there are romantic feelings there on both sides of the aisle. Outside of that, all the gay friends I have made since, I will not allow myself to sleep with them.
Last edited by frimpter928; 10-29-2018 at 03:07 PM..
If it’s only happening with your social circle consider yourself fortunate that you don’t get sexual advances at your job
I’m sorry this is happening to you but if you are trying to make friends with people who are attracted to your gender I don’t know if it’s realistic to expect it NOT to happen.
It’s why I don’t hang out with single men.
I’m sure eventually word will get out in your social circle that you are looking for something serious (of course that means you can’t have a reputation for sleeping around)
When I first came out some years ago, I finally understood how women felt. How you become seen than more as a piece of meat. The thing is at first I was loving it, because I was just starting to explore my sexuality. Once I realized there was more to life than "fun" and that I wanted to have good healthy relationships I realized how damaging it was, so I started to change my ways.
Part of my solution is just not sleeping with people really, which is what I have stopped doing in the past year unless it's a hookup which those don't present problems. A few years ago I was exploring my sexuality and really enjoying it. Those friends that I have had sex with, they all come from that time period.
2 years ago I decided to become celibate and work on myself. Because I realized my sexual patterns and escapades were not the way to go. It was unhealthy for me. So for six months I had no sex, and no dating. Since then, about 1.5 years ago, I have really cleared things up for myself. Sex is limited to people I am dating or a hook up. Not friends. Since 1.5 years ago there has only been ONE friend I have slept, but he's a different category because there are romantic feelings there on both sides of the aisle. Outside of that, all the gay friends I have made since, I will not allow myself to sleep with them.
But with the so-called hook-ups you're still sleeping with people you could run into at some point down the line.
Until there are NO hook-ups and you only have sex in a committed relationship, this problem will still happen. And it's going to take a WHILE until people get the message. Of course some never will.
It's an unfortunate part of being in a culture where guys are so willing to test the waters with any and everyone.
But with the so-called hook-ups you're still sleeping with people you could run into at some point down the line.
Until there are NO hook-ups and you only have sex in a committed relationship, this problem will still happen. And it's going to take a WHILE until people get the message. Of course some never will.
It's an unfortunate part of being in a culture where guys are so willing to test the waters with any and everyone.
I agree. Even gay men in committed relationships a good chunk of them are in open relationships so even those will pursue. For a while I was trying to befriend gay guys that were in relationships, thinking that could solve the issue. But even those would soon go after me too.
At the end of the day I'd like to be in a committed monogamous relationship and have gay friends that respect that. Both at the moment are a struggle on that front.
Case in point this Friday, I met this guy at a friends party last week. He seemed cool, and I told him I am looking to make more friends in the community. He told me we should set something up. I told him that would be cool, but that I am looking strictly for platonic friends. He said it was fine. I was texting him today to confirm and put it in my calendar, and he wants to meet up at 9PM Friday close to his place and is getting flirty. I told him I rather meet somewhere halfway in between us and told him ahead of time that I can't stay out very late so an earlier time would be better.
It just gets frustrating to always have to dance around and put my guard up. He brought up a joke about blowjobs over text which I just ignored. I really don't know the guy. If he continues on this trajectory I am just going to cancel the outing.
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