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Old 11-02-2018, 10:16 AM
 
2,949 posts, read 1,348,532 times
Reputation: 3789

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Quote:
Originally Posted by murksiderock View Post
To your first paragraph, I do want to change those characteristics about myself...

To your second paragraph, I don't extrapolate my relationship with her to my children, and I think its disingenuous for you to assume such. Though I truly don't believe that about myself, you've already made me stop to consider the possibilities of how my behaviors in dating could damage my girls. I am willing to do anything at all costs to avoid that...


Then there is hope for you. I mean that with all of the sincerity in me.


Look, you are a young person who likely sees the "future" in terms of the next couple of days or weeks or months. That is typical. Young folks tend to be a bit more self-centered than do older folks because they lack the foundation and lessons that come from a longer-lived life. Slow down. Think about what you are about to do.


Young Sir, you are destroying yourself, and you likely do not see the magnitude of the damage you are inflicting on yourself, your children, your GF, the "friend," or others. Please, please do not do that. Be the man you and your daughters can and will be proud of. The title of "Dad" comes with heavy responsibilities and immeasurable gifts of adoration and love.


When your daughters look into your eyes, and their eyes are filled with pain, you do not want to be the man or person who caused that pain. Be the man you are proud of. The man who can speak freely and openly of who he is and what he does. Be THAT kind of man.
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Old 11-02-2018, 10:48 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,380 posts, read 24,385,676 times
Reputation: 17418
Good thing you posted, huh?

Well, you need to take the perspective that it will be your life’s work to raise your children well. By bailing on your relationship so soon after childbirth you are damaging your partner’s ability to be a solidly healthy and happy parent. Good mental health and family stability are crucial to your family’s survival. Every time you go off track, the more it’s likely that the children’s needs will be neglected.

Even if the intimacy is over, your personal responsibility towards this young mother has not ended. Be respectful. Support her. Be kind. Help her feel as good about herself as you can. Everything you can do for her will in turn help your children.

It’s not just giving her money. You need to set aside the drama. This is a role you’ll play like the lead man in a movie. Be honorable and brave. You’ll be proud of yourself in the long run.
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Old 11-02-2018, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by murksiderock View Post

It was wrong to still be in a relationship and go after the friend. Some of you guys can keep your morals in your closets, though; I'm sure we've all done things that many other people would find objectionable. I'm not in denial at my selfishness and some of the uglier parts of my personality...
I do think you're in denial about the influence and effect your actions have on others.

The fact that "we've all" done things we're not proud of doesn't excuse the fact that your priorities are screwed up. You have a chance to make a better choice here.

It WAS wrong to go after the friend while you were still in a relationship, and being broken up for two days STILL doesn't make it a good idea.

SO since you're so focused on this new relationship and want to hear other stories about what caused it and what ended it, I'll share.

My selfishness caused it, along with immaturity and my inability to truly understand how my actions affect other people. What ended it? Typical incompatibility, but what lingers is an awkwardness knowing that the relationship was wrong.

You need to want to walk through life without dreading to see someone because of how you treated them. Take a breath and stop letting your hormones make decisions for you.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:21 AM
 
Location: North Raleigh x North Sacramento
5,794 posts, read 5,574,247 times
Reputation: 7072
Let's say it wasn't the friend. If I wanted to seek out a relationship with another woman, how does this negatively impact my desire or ability to be a good father to my girls?

I'm not trying to be dense. I don't see the correlation. My ability to parent my daughters isn't the same as, or tied to, the trainwreck of a relationship I've had with their mother...
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:31 AM
 
2,949 posts, read 1,348,532 times
Reputation: 3789
Quote:
Originally Posted by murksiderock View Post
Let's say it wasn't the friend. If I wanted to seek out a relationship with another woman, how does this negatively impact my desire or ability to be a good father to my girls?

I'm not trying to be dense. I don't see the correlation. My ability to parent my daughters isn't the same as, or tied to, the trainwreck of a relationship I've had with their mother...


YES, it is because of the way you are going about "resolving" it. You cheated and damaged your GF. Yet, now you expect her to keep that side of you from your daughters.


OP, the actual and true character of a person is not "situational" in nature. The true and actual character of a person is intrinsic and systemic in every decision he/she makes and every action he/she takes.


You cheated and that speaks to your character and that you are willing to hurt, betray and damage others to get what you want. Stop it. It is, therefore, not at all a stretch to believe you may well forsake your daughters to satisfy your own needs.


Be a good man, OP. I read your words and know you have that in you. Work hard to be a good person. You will feel much better than you do now.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by murksiderock View Post
Let's say it wasn't the friend. If I wanted to seek out a relationship with another woman, how does this negatively impact my desire or ability to be a good father to my girls?

I'm not trying to be dense. I don't see the correlation. My ability to parent my daughters isn't the same as, or tied to, the trainwreck of a relationship I've had with their mother...
You can't so easily box off parts of your life and expect it to have NO impact on your family.

Logistically, the parent who has been the most involved in a child's life generally has the most influence. So if you are "away," physically and emotionally, while dating, you will be more of a visitor than a parent.

Your dating life and WHO you get involved with could keep you from important events in your child's life, like school and extracurricular stuff. At some point the wrong kind of person could expect you to withdraw from your children and focus on children she wants to have with you.

You said your "ex" is already talking trash about you. Psychologists say that is the number one reason kids suffer after divorce. The breakup itself doesn't necessarily affect them as badly as the way the parents treat each other.

Emotionally, you NEED time and space to process the factors that made you stay in an unfulfilling relationship and KEEP having children. There are also studies that show that early interactions with Dad shape a girl's conscious and subconscious perceptions of what is acceptable in a romantic partner.

Not to mention that a revolving door of female partners in YOUR life can be damaging to an impressionable child.
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Old 11-02-2018, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
8,590 posts, read 12,288,275 times
Reputation: 24248
Quote:
Originally Posted by murksiderock View Post
Let's say it wasn't the friend. If I wanted to seek out a relationship with another woman, how does this negatively impact my desire or ability to be a good father to my girls?

I'm not trying to be dense. I don't see the correlation. My ability to parent my daughters isn't the same as, or tied to, the trainwreck of a relationship I've had with their mother...
I think you're overestimating your ability to parent your daughters.

Whether it was the friend or not; whether you have a relationship with the mother of your children or not, you have a 3 week old baby and another daughter under 2. Your only concern should have been parenting that baby. Grow up. Support the mother. Infants are exhausting. Relationship or not, you should be doing whatever it takes right now to be there with the baby and helping. If that means coming to some agreement with the mother that you will spend the nights on the couch and get up with the baby so she can get some rest, that's what it means. If it means taking over responsibility for the older child while the mother rests, do that. It doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with the mother. It does mean that the two of you need to figure out a way you can be there for the kids day and night right now.

Do you support your children financially? Could the expense of a room for a one night stand have been better used buying diapers, clothes, food, rent for your children?

BTW--when you started off the post mentioning doucheyness--you were right. Final piece of advice: buy condoms and use them.
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Old 11-02-2018, 12:52 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post

Support the mother. Infants are exhausting. Relationship or not, you should be doing whatever it takes right now to be there with the baby and helping. If that means coming to some agreement with the mother that you will spend the nights on the couch and get up with the baby so she can get some rest, that's what it means. If it means taking over responsibility for the older child while the mother rests, do that. It doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with the mother. It does mean that the two of you need to figure out a way you can be there for the kids day and night right now.
Exactly.

This ^^^ is what you need to be thinking about right now, OP, not whether or not you are sexually satisfied.
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Old 11-02-2018, 01:57 PM
 
4,412 posts, read 3,446,686 times
Reputation: 14178
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1986pacecar View Post
Wow, that was a really stupid and selfish thing you did. Two little kids and all you can think of is your own pleasure. Grow up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
You don't approach it. Lose her contact information and you pretend the friend doesn't exist.

You be a good father to your children. You make every effort to co-parent civilly with your ex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by murksiderock View Post
Let's say it wasn't the friend. If I wanted to seek out a relationship with another woman, how does this negatively impact my desire or ability to be a good father to my girls?

I'm not trying to be dense. I don't see the correlation. My ability to parent my daughters isn't the same as, or tied to, the trainwreck of a relationship I've had with their mother...

I know several women who have "issues" about trusting guys, and these women have 1 thing in common: Dad left Mom.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Exactly.

This ^^^ is what you need to be thinking about right now, OP, not whether or not you are sexually satisfied.
Yep.

Your thread is exactly why it sucks that anyone can sire a kid whenever.
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Old 11-02-2018, 03:02 PM
 
307 posts, read 214,087 times
Reputation: 1464
Little girls learn very early how men should treat them by the way their Dad treats their Mom. Your every interaction, every word or deed done to or about their mother is teaching them what to expect and accept. Even a 3 week old can feel her mother's tension with you and react to it in negative ways. Everything you do has an effect. Everything.
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