Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Its been awhile since I posted on this forum. I've been experiencing issues in the past year but have tried refraining from posting on here, because a.)life is too busy with 3 little ones and I am afraid I will go MIA as soon as I post b). It becomes a novel and c). I am afraid of being judged, I really cant handle anymore judgement at this point. However, I feel like keeping all of this in is making my mental health spiral out of control and I just have to put it somewhere. I have already made an appointment with a therapist to have someone to talk to but in the meantime, I am just going to put it on here so I can release some of my stress. I'll try to make it brief, but if it it turns into a novella, I apologize in advance.
Husband and I have been married for 8 years. Honestly, I think our relationship got bad after my middle child. My last child was truly an accident, I got pregnant on the pill and do not believe in abortion so I had him. He is truly a gem and makes my life soo complete though, I am so glad he is in my life! When I met my husband, I wasnt physically attracted to him, but I thought a great personality can make up for it. I married him very young, and at a wrong time. I was mildly depressed which affected my life choices greatly. My family also pushed me towards him and encouraged me to tie the knot with him at the tender age of barely 21.
First 2 years was the honeymoon phase. When I was 23, my first son came along and we were both very happy although I had him earlier than I intended. For the past few years, he's been a completely different person. Very short tempered, barely helps with the kids, in the past 8 years probably cooked twice. He's no longer the genuine, kind guy that I met and fell in love with. He got tricked by a business partner and in the end blamed me for not getting him out of it. When I was the one who begged, and cried for him to please get our money back but he insisted that we should be patient. In the end, we lost everything.
He only cares about himself. When he is sick he acts like a dying dog, but when I feel like I am about to collapse, I still have to keep myself going to cook and feed my kids. He wants to be taken care of, but never takes care of anyone else. I am so unhappy but have to put up a fake image in front of my family and children to keep everyone happy. I know a lot of people will suggest divorce, but for the past 8 years, I've been a stay at home mom with a side job so I dont have the finances to leave. He works as a waiter. I have no resources, no friends and not even close to my family. I feel like a bird locked in a cage and confined to my home 24/7 and just slaving away. How to I go on living like this? I feel so drained and my kids are the only source that is keeping me going...
You're in a bind, and sorry to hear about your situation. You need to have a sit down and serious conversation with your husband, no yelling & screaming. Start by talking to him and seeing if things can change.
You have to get a full-time job, plain and simple. There is no way you are going to be able to leave without being able to support yourself financially. You said he's a waiter so I can only assume that he does not make enough money to support 2 households. So. If you want out, you have to get a good job. If you can't do that, then you are stuck. So in the meantime, I can only suggest you go to therapy if you have insurance that covers it. If not, you just have to tolerate it all for as long as it takes for you to become self-supporting financially. Because it doesn't seem like your husband will listen to you. He would probably be happier out of the marriage too, whether he realizes it or not.
You have to get a full-time job, plain and simple. There is no way you are going to be able to leave without being able to support yourself financially. You said he's a waiter so I can only assume that he does not make enough money to support 2 households. So. If you want out, you have to get a good job. If you can't do that, then you are stuck. So in the meantime, I can only suggest you go to therapy if you have insurance that covers it. If not, you just have to tolerate it all for as long as it takes for you to become self-supporting financially. Because it doesn't seem like your husband will listen to you. He would probably be happier out of the marriage too, whether he realizes it or not.
Im dying to get a full time job, and ive had offers too but had to turn them down. I work from home, so i do have experience in the field (i work as a medical interpreter) but my husband keeps telling me that the daycare costs will offset whatever i earn so i end up stuck at home. Heck, my current company has the option for me to work full time if i choose to but he said it will conflict with his own schedule.
You are right, he wont listen and very dismissive. Im pretty sure the kids are holding us back because i can say with 1000% certainty that if we were childless I'd probably leave years ago. I lay in bed many nights wondering why i married him the first place. I felt like i must've been high when i said yes. Then he tries to guilt me with the kids knowing how much i love them, saying things like if i didnt marry him i wouldn't have these kids.
Ditch the therapy, save the money - it sounds like you don't have $$ to waste - and sit down with your husband and have an honest conversation about what needs to change. It's FREE!
Ditch the therapy, save the money - it sounds like you don't have $$ to waste - and sit down with your husband and have an honest conversation about what needs to change. It's FREE!
Ditto!
Sit him down and tell him flat out what’s going to happen.
If you leave with three children he will be drowning in child support. Alimony if you can.
There is housing based on income.
Hopefully he will see you are serious and get his crap together if not bounce!
And I'll also add that divorce is very expensive and it will stay with you forever....and it's not fair to the kids, if you can get your marriage straightened up by working at it.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,629 posts, read 17,961,729 times
Reputation: 50652
There's a lot to fix here.
Your story is the story of a lot of stay at home moms, except for some reason you don't have any friends or family.
I honestly don't know how you could make it as a divorced mom, with absolutely no support at all from anyone.
Neither of you are happy, and I don't know how to fix that - happiness is an attitude.
You will be in a different financial place when the kids are all in school and you can work more, and maybe use free after school care at a school. As it is right now, it truly doesn't sound like you could make it work paying for daycare.
Find women friends. I think your attitude would do a 180 if you were in a weekly playgroup with positive, energetic and caring women.
Your story is the story of a lot of stay at home moms, except for some reason you don't have any friends or family.
I honestly don't know how you could make it as a divorced mom, with absolutely no support at all from anyone.
Neither of you are happy, and I don't know how to fix that - happiness is an attitude.
You will be in a different financial place when the kids are all in school and you can work more, and maybe use free after school care at a school. As it is right now, it truly doesn't sound like you could make it work paying for daycare.
Find women friends. I think your attitude would do a 180 if you were in a weekly playgroup with positive, energetic and caring women.
That’s a great idea.
Plus once they are all in school it should get easier.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
