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I wonder if any of you have lived with it? Are there any patterns that we can link up or compare. I know it's next to impossible to change or even help a narcissist, because they are so set in their ways...usually their problems come from serious insecurity, an insatiable hunger for attention and a deep-seated competitive mind.
Yes.
Comparing notes on narcissists isn't worth your time; I've done that too.
They choose you for a reason; that's what you need to figure out and work on.
Everyone thinks they have, nobody ever thinks they were the narcissist, and it's an overrused, generally inaccurate phrase.
Nearly everybody starts out on their best behavior.
When I saw this thread title, I thought, "Yes and it sucked."
But in the years since the breakup, I have given so much thought to things. I mean, I have had my own processes, but also my ex whenever possible will try and engage me in relentless post-mortem discussions and accusations and interrogations because he really has not moved on. I've reached a point where I am no longer experiencing daily arguments with his voice in my head, but it was like that for a time, for sure. Now I just struggle to dodge the real life ones, as unfortunately I do sometimes have to interact with him (because of the kids.)
I was not innocent, and I know that. I was cold, distant, guarded. I shut him out early on and left him twisting in the wind, craving my love and not getting it. Wanting me to want him when I didn't. He wanted passionate fighting, I refused to engage in that. I was sometimes manipulative, and occasionally dishonest. I can cop to all of that. The hostility, while couched in necessarily modulated tones of voice, was still such that both of us after a pointless confrontation of "But me me me, what about me?" vs. "But me me me, what about ME?" we would retreat to our own corners in contempt of each other, licking our own wounds.
However, I think he fits the definition of narcissism more because of the love bombing in the beginning, the obsessive controlling behavior, and the utter lack of empathy, and lack of interest or ability in seeing my feelings or struggles. If I was sick, he was sicker, if I had stress, he WAS the living incarnation of the God of Stress Himself. Everything had to be about him, no one else can even talk around him.
If I fit a pathology in the context of that relationship, it was codependency and enabling. Still unhealthy as hell though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
Well, that is something I ask myself a lot. There are many reasons. Right now, believe it or not, the positives outweigh the negatives. He is not a bad guy. He just has no concept that he's not the center of the universe. Over time I have learned to deal with it, I guess.
I used to say that too. I said that for I guess the first 16-17 years. Until, at the end, he started bringing firearms into his terrorizing of me and the household, and becoming more threatening and crazy-making. I said that and said that...until even I could not deny the truth anymore.
God I'm glad that is over. It's been like waking up from a nightmare.
I fell for a guy not a long time ago and before I posted here I never thought he is a narcissist... Thanks to all the people here I feel better now!
And yeah he's super charming and very popular among people and he always shows how humble, trustworthy and polite he is. However, when he shows his true personality to you (because he is sure you're into him and he will be able to get something from you), that was a disaster, and you couldn't even wake up or escape from him because you are brainwashed by his intelligence and talents and you might even tell yourself well it's fine he has the right to express himself and he's actually treating me differently because none of his friends have seen his real characters etc, and it takes time and effort to get away from him ...
Yes, but try a mix of Sociopath + Narcissist, hybrid you may call it. Never expected it to come to this, but I think it was locked into her, like a sleeper cell, that is she always had it. I'm also starting to wonder if she was sexually abused as a child, she told me she never was, but her sexual desires as of late and sexting I read less than 2 weeks after meeting some guy 24 years her junior, leads me to think otherwise.
You can ready my ultra long thread on my Divorce if you want to, but my soon to be ex has many of the traits of both, lack of compassion, no empathy and definatley no feeling of guilt. I read up on both and realized this was her disorder, she won't accept it even if I told her to her face, but its' the truth.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, to deal with either or or both combined, in my case. It's been all about her the past month and half, never got an apology or anything.
Yes, but try a mix of Sociopath + Narcissist, hybrid you may call it. Never expected it to come to this, but I think it was locked into her, like a sleeper cell, that is she always had it. I'm also starting to wonder if she was sexually abused as a child, she told me she never was, but her sexual desires as of late and sexting I read less than 2 weeks after meeting some guy 24 years her junior, leads me to think otherwise.
You can ready my ultra long thread on my Divorce if you want to, but my soon to be ex has many of the traits of both, lack of compassion, no empathy and definatley no feeling of guilt. I read up on both and realized this was her disorder, she won't accept it even if I told her to her face, but its' the truth.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, to deal with either or or both combined, in my case. It's been all about her the past month and half, never got an apology or anything.
I am so sorry about what happened to you. Now do the best you can to move forward and heal. Don't force anything, just let your mind go through the whole thing. Just have the faith that sooner or later, she is going to regret her wrongs, whether you know it or not.
Until, at the end, he started bringing firearms into his terrorizing of me and the household, and becoming more threatening and crazy-making. I said that and said that...until even I could not deny the truth anymore.
God I'm glad that is over. It's been like waking up from a nightmare.
This should be one of the biggest concerns for anyone living with a narcissist.
I don't know how you were able to endure 17 yrs. You're fortunate not to have been a casualty on the 6'oclock news.
This should be one of the biggest concerns for anyone living with a narcissist.
I don't know how you were able to endure 17 yrs. You're fortunate not to have been a casualty on the 6'oclock news.
18. Actually, more than that...I lived with him an additional year after the breakup (but like a roommate in a different bedroom) as we tried to figure out how to proceed. And since I moved out in March 2016, I've still had to deal with him on some level because of the kids. Thankfully we're nearly done raising the youngest. I look forward to a time that I don't even need to talk to him.
Mostly I endured it because he wasn't THAT bad (the guns and the ultra-crazy) for most of it. Highly unpleasant, but not usually terrifying. I had certain things that gave me the illusion of being in control of the situation. It escalated in the final year or so of the relationship, though. You are not the only one to express something similar (that last comment.) What's odd, is he acts so hurt that I considered him dangerous, that he made me feel unsafe. He believes that no matter what he said or did, I should have "known" he wouldn't really hurt me. And that if I were more into guns, I would not have been alarmed by the fact that he tended to get them out, load them, and carry them around when he was feeling unstable and out of control. Which he says he did to "make himself feel secure" rather than to threaten or manipulate me. Wild, huh? Two sides to every story.
I don't think it's normal or ok to, when feeling all upset and out of whack due to a fight with your spouse, get out an AK and load it and carry it around the house. Or sleep snuggled up to it in your bed, either, which he also did. I don't think my objections to that sort of thing make me just a weak, silly, liberal woman who is ignorant about guns, as he likes to say.
They know how to shower you in love, attention and praise. The only problem is this tends to go stale once they think they've "got you", and their nastier traits will start to emerge. They need constant attention and validation, and if you cannot give it, they are very likely to get it somewhere else.
The biggest issue with narcissism is a lack of empathy. They cannot understand or grasp the fact that their behaviour is unfair to other people, because they see themselves as number one always.
I wonder if any of you have lived with it? Are there any patterns that we can link up or compare. I know it's next to impossible to change or even help a narcissist, because they are so set in their ways...usually their problems come from serious insecurity, an insatiable hunger for attention and a deep-seated competitive mind.
Yes. Not a romantic relationship but a close unescapable relationship ( Im being vague on purpose). My own therapist told me in her professional opinion he had NPD and so I studied up on it and agreed.
Status is the most important thing to them. Best car, best zip code, best schools, etc. They put everyone down constantly. Everything is a zero sum game to them. Everyone is a "loser." If you disagree with them they cant take it, will berate you and argue for hours or days until you agree with them. They have no empathy. If you are ill or crying they get angry rather than soften or try to nurture you, which is the healthy human response. Can lose temper and get violent when feeling loss of control or being challenged.
Now that Im informed if I detect any red flags in someone, I avoid like the plague. The charm in the beginning can be disarming but remember the adage...if it seems too good to be true it probably is.
I wonder what the root cause is, and why it seems to be on the rise. Still, if it's discussed more, it's going to be more easily noticed, so the narcissists of the world will have less of a chance of going by undetected. They'll have to constantly start again because people will continually figure them out.
Yes. Not a romantic relationship but a close unescapable relationship ( Im being vague on purpose). My own therapist told me in her professional opinion he had NPD and so I studied up on it and agreed.
Status is the most important thing to them. Best car, best zip code, best schools, etc. They put everyone down constantly. Everything is a zero sum game to them. Everyone is a "loser." If you disagree with them they cant take it, will berate you and argue for hours or days until you agree with them. They have no empathy. If you are ill or crying they get angry rather than soften or try to nurture you, which is the healthy human response. Can lose temper and get violent when feeling loss of control or being challenged.
Now that Im informed if I detect any red flags in someone, I avoid like the plague. The charm in the beginning can be disarming but remember the adage...if it seems too good to be true it probably is.
Another narcissist behavior is, rather than getting angry if you are sick or sad or something, they might respond inappropriately in other ways, such as:
I would be in pain or very ill, and my ex would make stupid jokes to "try and make me smile"...now a little of this I wouldn't consider odd, but he'd do it in a way that was like, "I need you to act like nothing is wrong, because I cannot handle you needing attention or having a problem. STOP IT. SMILE!" or the other thing he did, which was that any time I had a problem, he'd instantly have a bigger one. If I was sick, I tried to hide my symptoms and pretend I wasn't, I never said I was sick or asked for any consideration, because if I let him know that I was sick, he'd instantly be sicker. And it would be a huge production and I'd have to care for him while suffering myself. It was better to pretend to be well. He had to be the absolute center of attention and focus always. No one else could be. And any time I gave my attention to anyone else, he got upset about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shirleyeve
I wonder what the root cause is, and why it seems to be on the rise. Still, if it's discussed more, it's going to be more easily noticed, so the narcissists of the world will have less of a chance of going by undetected. They'll have to constantly start again because people will continually figure them out.
Also, does the narcissist know he's a narcissist?
I think that they have always been around. In fact I think it's part of the crisis of being a man right now, that narcissism in men USED to be celebrated, and even now, many narcs are very successful in life. So if this behavior is bad now, is being called out and women don't tolerate it, let alone encourage it, then who is a guy supposed to look up to, and how is he supposed to be? I think that men are caught between this now-seen-as-dysfunctional model of the powerful male, and ideas of what is actually healthy behavior, like compassion and empathy, that have always previously (and sometimes still) been seen as feminine, wimpy, "beta" or whatever. Now I am not saying that a tremendous number of men actually have NPD, but I'm saying that narcissistic behavior has been modeled and rewarded in the past, and that is changing. We (women/society) are asking men to balance and juggle strength, power and effectiveness, with vulnerability and sensitivity, in ways we didn't always do.
In women, too, there have been those who seem to be rewarded for vanity and attention demanding behavior, and in fact that could be on the rise, with the ubiquitous nature of cameras, social media and viral fame. Again, trying to reconcile old ideas and new ones, and figure out how to be who you are the "right way." Does a narcissist know that they are one? I'm not sure, but I think that the most toxic form of it, the personality disorder kind, no, they don't know. And if someone tells them that they are, they defend themselves from it, often turning it around to attack and accuse their victim, so that they look good to others and the other person looks bad. The world in their head is the only one that's real. The person who knows that they are doing these antisocial behaviors, and does them in a mindful and deliberate way to get what they want, who knows what they are and is quite fine with it, that sounds more like sociopathy than narcissism.
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