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Yeah, OLD is easy access and asylum for those coping with transition (not quite divorced), recent break-ups, and so on. OLD is a coping mechanism for some.
I recall a woman at work that had recently gone through a break-up, and she was sitting with her female co-workers during her lunch break on the computer signing up on a dating site already. lol
Any of your valid points are completely negated every time, and in every post, where you trot out a story about a 'woman you know', and criticizing her. Is it possible for you to talk about your own relationship issues here instead of other people's?
I wouldn't call that luck. There were many variables at play. My husband met a good number of women when he explored the online dating scene, which he greatly preferred to meeting in-person, and he never struggled for attention or interest. His two previous relationships were women he met on OKC. My more serious ex before him went on several dates in a short amount of time and dated a few women he met on OKC after jumping back into the dating scene. I dated several men with similar experiences.
Of course, this may reflect a specific demographic, and there are still many factors that contribute to these experiences. But this idea that dating sites are inherently useless and never yield successful matches and partnerships is NOT supported by current data.
Granted, I lived in metro cities with a very large dating pool, even after filtering for my criteria.
Giving clarification to why you're having difficulty is fine, but it doesn't solve your problem. So redirecting again, to your initial comment....you're claiming the online dating pool you're looking at is not working for you. You state you can't date women that you already dated for your given reasons. You're not interest in women with kids. And you're not willing to go beyond a specific mileage parameter. So where does that leave you? I'd say pretty much nowhere so that dating source should just be crossed off the list.
This is my problem with the OP and in all similar topics. After you have ruled out 100% of everything you have NOTHING left!
Let's face the fact: All single women within 20 miles of OP are not interested in men, or he's already dated them!
Hell, he should set his MINIMUM dating distance to 20 miles! Then at least he would start meeting women he hasn't met before.
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Originally Posted by JJonesIII
To quote one of my favorite movies..."seeing through the game is not the same as winning the game". If things have changed since you last dated, you will either have to change with it, or be left behind. Not much more to say on this.
The answer to every problem in life is to buck up!!! You have to do something proactive to solve problems. Very few problems in life solve themselves.
Actually when OP gets older his dating choices are going to resolve to either having to date women with adult children (that's what I do, no live-ins though). OP will be a senior citizen some day, and I bet more than 3/4 women in that age range have adult children.
So OP if you keep at it you are bound to succeed some day. Your dating pool will have only women with adult children or a few who had none at all. I'll just warn you, my worst dating experience (NBD, 1st date didn't go to #2) had obvious and serious psychological problems and uses drugs. I find it easy to understand why she never got married and never had children. A childless woman may turn out to be a red flag. If nobody else wanted her there may be a reason. (And of course, same thing for men.)
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Originally Posted by formosa
One of my good friends is struggling with online dating after the end of a 18 year marriage.
She got so frustrated and became so negative and bitter, even I can't handle her. She paid to try pretty much all pay sites you can think of and she found no one.
However, I think her high standards is a big factor. She is only interested in men way out of her league because that's what her ex husband is. But she is not 22 years old anymore. Men who are way out of her league are with money and they are very picky. My friend makes minimum wage, only has high school education, and she owes over 10,000 on credit card debt. She has kids half time too. She also insists men have to pay for everything. That's her belief from long time ago.
I think the learning curve is very steep for women who have been married a long time but have to come back to the dating world.
Your friend is another example of setting impossibly high standards and then finding no success. She will have to either change her criteria or content herself with no man in her life.
I can't afford to date women like you described. I can support myself just fine. If I meet a woman of similar means we will be able to support ourselves just fine. But if I hook up with a woman who brings no net worth to the deal then I'll have to live frugally the rest of my life, and never reach my dreams of international travel. — Of my OLD matches most have either similar or better finances than me. (A few could just write a check for everything I own.) I'm not looking for a sugar mommy but due to my economic status I am not able to be somebody's sugar daddy.
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Originally Posted by Metaphysique
There are loads of factors that determine one's experience and success. I came out of a 10-year marriage and had no trouble navigating the dating scene and my target audience. The same for many of the men I dated.
I came out of perhaps a dozen year period where I was so focused on my career and developing wealth that I was mostly off the market (infrequent dates). I've now turned to the relationship side of my life and I've discovered it's much easier! Meeting potential dates IRL has always been a problem for many of us. OLD gets past that difficulty by handing you a bunch of people who could possibly be matches. The ice is already broken when one party replies to the other. OLD is way easier for me than before "the change."
But... You have to choose selection criteria that yield something better than zero matches of your liking.
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Originally Posted by ThisTown123
Well, I don't do bars or clubs, so..kind of moot.
The problem with bars is that's where people get drunk. If you are an alcoholic then bars are great places! TT, I bet you are a teetotaler, and I drink maybe only a couple days a week (and in moderation). In bars we meet mostly people who have too much of a liking of alcohol for my taste. I'm sure neither you nor I wants to date alcoholic women!
Earlier this year I surveyed all my friends and many acquaintances, and could find only one friend who drinks alcohol on an almost daily basis. Many of my friends are teetotalers or 2-3 times/year. Wow, was that a wake-up call! I'm talking like one person out of a couple dozen in my survey! That is what caused me to decrease my own consumption.
Here is a clue that may be helpful in many areas: If most of the people you know are doing something one way, and you are doing it differently, there is a distinct possibly that YOU may be the stupid one.
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Originally Posted by chiluvr1228
^^This^^ With OLD I get their last name, phone number and address. If they own a home I can find that out. Maybe they are lying but if you are at all computer savvy or have someone in the family who is, it's easy enough to make sure you're not going out with a felon, a married guy, etc. If I was at the grocery store and a guy approached me I would be rather hesitant to do anything more than say hello and discuss the weather. I certainly wouldn't give him my phone number.
Things have changed a lot since our parents or grandparents met. It's not as easy to meet someone especially once you're over 60 no matter how good you might look for your age.
Wow, that's a lot of research! Actually I suspect 2-3 of the women I've dated this year may have hidden baggage. I'll admit if I have any data on a potential date I'll follow it at least until the free info runs out.
I won't give my last name or address until after our first date and planning on a second. Both my phones do not track to me (via CallerID). Nor do I expect any detailed info from dates (although many have volunteered the info even without my wanting it or asking for it). I kind of expect by 5-6 dates we will know last names, etc.
I subtract points for women I haven't met who give me their physical address. Intelligence is one of my dating selection criteria! That includes street intelligence.
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Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
IIRC, OP does have one or two grown children, which is not uncommon for people his age. What he's revealed over time in these threads is that he wants a woman to be focused only on him and their relationship, so her having (even adult) children would take away from that.
Oh wow, fleetie, you're really great at research!
This changes EVERYTHING!!! OP has 1-2 grown children but won't date women with grown children?
Not only has OP picked impossible criteria, but he requires more from his dates than he can offer them!
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Originally Posted by timberline742
Lets be real. Most of the people that chronically complain here about not being able to meet people either don't want to put the work in on themselves to be healthy and desirable, or they put up so many self imposed barriers and "rules" to connecting with people that it is clear they are all about self protectionism and only giving lip service to really want to make a connection and foster a relationship.
Spot on!!!
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Originally Posted by ellybelly83
Theres a docu on Netflix about sex robots that was a rather interesting watch. Since you have run out of fish and are unwilling to compromise on your standards, maybe the next step is to consider some AI?
There are two things on the technological horizon that may bring great change: sexbots and teledildonics (Wikipedia link). Sexbots are obvious what they are, robotic sex partners. Teledildonics is based on robotics and advanced medical sensors and stimulators, and allows sex across a distance, i.e. the Internet. (Both use similar interface technology, the essential difference is that sexbots are powered by AI where there is a real human on the other end with teledildonics.)
Both may be the ultimate solution to MGTOW and the whole plethora of complaints from people who want sex but can't get it. Having a sexbot would allow an addicted gamer time off for sex then back to their gaming. No humans involved. Teledildonics opens the possibility of Internet prostitution where your partner may be on the opposite side of the planet. While there are serious problems with present day prostitution, I can't think of a single one of them that would apply to teledildonic Internet sex.
So these incel and MGTOW topics may cease some day when technology is able to satisfy a single person's sexual needs.
Just an example: I bet if Amazon introduced a fully functional sexbot that works as good as their Alexa based voice operated products, Amazon stock would double within a year! Meanwhile Apple will of course introduce the Apple iSex!
(I had a better idea for Apple's product name but I can't mention it because I don't want a 10 day vacation from posting.)
Online also makes it very easy to put yourself back out there when you don't exactly have your emotional house in order.
I was in Plano, TX this weekend and I decided to use Bumble while I was there. Got a match from this super cute redhead. We started chatting and exchanged numbers. While chatting I found out not only is she not divorced, but her "soon to be ex-husband" sleeps on the couch in the marital home. Well, in a nutshell that proves my point. That is a BIG DETAIL that was not included in her profile. So I was thinking she was a divorced Mom of 3. Not a still married woman with the husband sleeping on the couch.
These are the types of experiences that put bad taste in your mouth and also causes people to be even more gun shy with dating in general, not just online. People can have a tendency to omit very important details to better market themselves,
You do realize people can do this even if they meet at, say, a park, concert, social gathering, club, school, bar, etc.? Meh. Realize that it happens no matter what platform or method you use and move on. I came across loads of still-married, not-really-separated dudes that were browsing dating sites on the down low. Sure, it's more convenient to misrepresent oneself in the age of the internet, but it isn't exclusive to dating dates. Chat rooms have been around for over two decades, and forums and online spaces attracted people who wanted to escape and assume new anonymous identities. It's not difficult to leave out pertinent information no matter the situation or environment.
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because at the end of the day we're just selling ourselves to the highest bidder.
Huh? Perhaps that's your experience. One should be intellectually honest enough to recognize there are vast and varied experiences. I can recognize and accept the realities and experiences for many are not positive, due to a number of factors, while also recognizing the reality that dating sites work well for a number of other people. One-third of new marriages, in fact.
You do realize people can do this even if they meet at, say, a park, concert, social gathering, club, school, bar, etc.? Meh. Realize that it happens no matter what platform or method you use and move on. I came across loads of still-married, not-really-separated dudes that were browsing dating sites on the down low. Sure, it's more convenient to misrepresent oneself in the age of the internet, but it isn't exclusive to dating dates. Chat rooms have been around for over two decades, and forums and online spaces attracted people who wanted to escape and assume new anonymous identities. It's not difficult to leave out pertinent information no matter the situation or environment.
Huh? Perhaps that's your experience. One should be intellectually honest enough to recognize there are vast and varied experiences. I can recognize and accept the realities and experiences for many are not positive, due to a number of factors, while also recognizing the reality that dating sites work well for a number of other people. One-third of new marriages, in fact.
Oh geez. I'm not trying to argue or make a generalized statement either. I'm just sharing an experience, but not using a broad brush for generalization. People struggle in dating is what I'm trying to get at. I've struggled and I've had success. I wouldn't say I've leaned overly far to any one side.
Yes, I clearly know someone you work with can lie, just like the person in the line at the grocery store, and the person you met at your child's school. People lie, no surprise there.
I was just stating that when it comes to dating, people do sell themselves to the person they deem the highest bidder. I want the best available match for me, not the worst or the middle of the road. I do desire to be with that person who is the best for me at that given time.
I dated a woman this summer who didn't check all the boxes, but she checked the boxes I was interested in at the time. We dated a few months, figured out things weren't working, and we parted ways. I'd still say, of all the women I dated this year, she was the highest bidder that I was interested in. We clicked on some pretty cool issues and experiences. We just didn't work out for the long haul.
Sometimes I wish we could all calm down and just relate to an experience. I even had to take a bit of a break from this site, because it was getting so exhausting. Even with this post, I just wanted to share an experience. Not bashing the person, but sharing an experience. I wouldn't even say it was bad, because sometimes people just want someone to talk to. There's people available who just want to talk to them. I just wanted to relate that omitting that kind of information can be/become problematic for some. Doesn't make her any more or any less of a person.
I was just stating that when it comes to dating, people do sell themselves to the person they deem the highest bidder. I want the best available match for me, not the worst or the middle of the road. I do desire to be with that person who is the best for me at that given time.
IMO you would do well to remove the words 'buy' and 'sell' from your dating vocabulary.
You are trying to treat interpersonal relationships like financial transactions. That simply does not compute.
How can adult children take away from that? In fact, i prefer single moms with adult kids as opposed to school-aged.
I never said I would rule out a woman with adult children, or even one with older children, in those cases it depends on the kids, and if her home is a revolving door for them(because if it leads to marriage our home would have that revolving door attached), but if she has adult children who are doing well on their own then I had no problem when it.
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Originally Posted by ThisTown123
I agree, the dude is 48 and expects kid-free women, but I find that to be very limiting. I mean, it's a BONUS if she doesn't have kids..but in his defense...some single mothers won't date men WITHOUT kids...I"m banking that he does NOT have kids, yes? Just makes sense that a man w/o children won't want to date men WITH children.
Actually I have a 26 year old daughter (and possibly 19 year old twin boys) but they don't LIVE WITH ME!!
Quote:
If he was in his 20s and complaining about nothing but 18 to 21 year single mothers are all over, I can see the issue. Believe me, I had a friend that lived in a community where there were simply too many single moms under the legal drinking age.
What I'm running into a lot(especially offline) are women in my age group who either waited until their mid to late 30's to even start having kids(so at 45 or so there kids are just now starting their tweens or younger) or women who had that surprise baby at 40-50 so many if you ask if they have children you will hear "yes I have a 27, 25 and 7"and I always think WTF!!! it's becoming more and more common for women to have grandkids around the same age as their youngest child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
IIRC, OP does have one or two grown children, which is not uncommon for people his age. What he's revealed over time in these threads is that he wants a woman to be focused only on him and their relationship, so her having (even adult) children would take away from that.
Nope thats not what I want at all, but I don't want to be the LAST priority either. It sucks to be in a relationship and feel like your being penciled in for a 9PM appointment Tuesday and a call here and there when a hole opens up in her busy schedule . there's a saying that goes "never make a priority out of someone who views you as a mere option".
Basically if someone has such a full and wonderful life and the are happy with or without me then I serve no purpose and they can leave at any time. I'd rather not be with someone who can casually hurt someone like that.
IMO you would do well to remove the words 'buy' and 'sell' from your dating vocabulary.
You are trying to treat interpersonal relationships like financial transactions. That simply does not compute.
My statement was interpreted incorrectly. Was implying that everyone dating wants the best match for themselves. However, I do understand where you're coming from. Carry on.
Actually weezer I may have been a bit off in your case. I was trying to bring in an opinion that many of our CD-R discussions tend to become too transactional and sterile.
I think the problem comes in with the dissonance between dealing with one person of the opposite gender, vs. dealing with the opposite gender as a group.
Somebody can blame women all they want but there is just one problem with that. There isn't any "women." "Women" does not have a brain, and doesn't decide anything as a gender.
There are only individual woman. Your every relationship will be dealing with women one-on-one. If a woman treats you badly you can't blame all women for that! Blame only the one who did you harm.
I think that's the nexus of the problem. Some men have little success at dating so they blame women as a group, but in fact it's only the individual woman that man has met who influenced his life.
It's the same demon that we have always faced: prejudice.
What I'm running into a lot(especially offline) are women in my age group who either waited until their mid to late 30's to even start having kids(so at 45 or so there kids are just now starting their tweens or younger) or women who had that surprise baby at 40-50 so many if you ask if they have children you will hear "yes I have a 27, 25 and 7"and I always think WTF!!! it's becoming more and more common for women to have grandkids around the same age as their youngest child.
.
Yeah, I knew a 50 year old woman that had a 25 year old daughter in college, and on her 2nd marriage, her and her husband (who was 10 years younger than her) decided, by choice, to have a kid in her mid-40s. She said she simply always wanted a second child. I guess it didn't matter what age. The kid is 6 years old now.
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