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Thanks for all your responses. We didn't go for counselling - partly because she felt very ashamed and partly because we tried counselling in the early days of our marriage when we were having problems because of problems in the "reconstituted family". When we met, I was widowed, and she was going through a divorce. We both had children but of very different ages, and family life was very stressful, even though we were crazy about each other. Counselling at that point was a total waste of time and we both came away feeling worse than when we went! My first wife died when our children were in their teens. If they had attended counselling I'm sure it would have helped them though, as they have been damaged by their mother's death from substance abuse, and what went on in the family in the years before as a result.
In my heart I do trust my wife. She is a wonderful wife and mother. She is a warm, intelligent, outgoing, kind and friendly person. Her friendship and interest in other people in some ways causes her some problems because men sometimes misconstrue her friendliness and interest in them as people. I, on the other hand, am very private, quiet and reserved with others and probably come across as withdrawn and aloof, although I am totally different with friends and people I know well. The contrast in our personalities seems to work, although I know my wife finds me a bit uncommunicative at times. I accept your suggestion though, that marriage counselling might help us, and will certainly consider suggesting it to my wife.
She's definitely getting some side action. She's already proven to you that she can't be trusted. I'd try to go to marriage counseling to try and salvage it...but I'm afraid you'll always have the thought in the back of your mind what she's doing while she's on her "business trips".
I feel a bit pathetic writing about this, but it has troubled me for a long time. It's probably just my own personality that's the problem, but I want to find a way of dealing with it.
About 14 years ago, some 14 years into what I thought was a secure and happy marriage, I was devastated to discover my wife was having an affair with a colleague at work. Although she vehemently denied it for months, I eventually found proof of the affair that she could not deny, and she then admitted it. She admitted she had allowed herself to get too close to her colleague with whom she found she could discuss problems at work and who was very sympathetic and supportive. She said she did not want to bring her work problems home, although I'm sure would have been as sympathetic and supportive as he was! It then gradually escalated into en emotional affair (with ages spent texting one another), and then eventually, a physical affair. it took ages to get her to break contact, although working in the same place was not helping. Eventually, I took the matter into my own hands and after scrutinising the job vacancies in her field of work, showed her a great job that was advertised - except it was overseas, although that was the main attraction for me! She applied for, and got the job and we moved away. Since then she has had no contact with the affair partner who, in fact, has now divorced his wife and married a young woman in his workplace with whom was also having an affair.
I thought everything was going OK until a few years later, I found that my wife had been conducting regular online communication (texts and FaceTime) with an old flame from her schooldays (well she says she was aware that he fancied her, but she saw him as just a school colleague). However, when I accidentally became aware of the frequency of their contact and the content of it, I felt that while she was just being friendly with him, he seemed to have quite another agenda in relation to her! When I asked her about it and said that I felt very uncomfortable with her having regular contact with a member of the opposite sex who was not a mutual friend, and who appeared to want more than just an exchange of messages from her, she apologised and admitted that it was a mistake to respond to his initial overtures (via LinkedIn), and told him that she did not want to continue the contact, and asked him not to contact her. He still does try to contact her, but she always tells me and never responds.
Despite all that, I continue to feel very anxious and insecure, almost to the point of becoming paranoid, when my wife is working away (which she has to do quite often). We try to maintain regular contact when she is working in another country, but if, for some reason, she fails to contact me when she says she will, or fails to respond to my message or phone calls I become very anxious. There is always a good reason for her lack of response (unexpected work & social commitments etc) but knowing that doesn't help.
How would you suggest I deal with this? I feel I cannot raise it with my wife as I know she would feel that I didn't trust her and would feel quite offended.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold
In 14 years the only thing she's done is communicate with an old friend, which she ceased doing on your request but for the last 14 years you've just been waiting for her to transgress again???
And it is simply not true that just because a person had an affair they will definitely have more.
Hmmm...
While I do kinda agree that just because a person had an affair does not necessarily mean that they will have another affair (to a very small extent though).
He does say in (what does look a little close to a wall of text) that it has escalated into an emotional affair which has even gone physical, which means that there was more than just "communication".
I feel a bit pathetic writing about this, but it has troubled me for a long time. It's probably just my own personality that's the problem, but I want to find a way of dealing with it.
About 14 years ago, some 14 years into what I thought was a secure and happy marriage, I was devastated to discover my wife was having an affair with a colleague at work. Although she vehemently denied it for months, I eventually found proof of the affair that she could not deny, and she then admitted it. She admitted she had allowed herself to get too close to her colleague with whom she found she could discuss problems at work and who was very sympathetic and supportive. She said she did not want to bring her work problems home, although I'm sure would have been as sympathetic and supportive as he was! It then gradually escalated into en emotional affair (with ages spent texting one another), and then eventually, a physical affair. it took ages to get her to break contact, although working in the same place was not helping. Eventually, I took the matter into my own hands and after scrutinising the job vacancies in her field of work, showed her a great job that was advertised - except it was overseas, although that was the main attraction for me! She applied for, and got the job and we moved away. Since then she has had no contact with the affair partner who, in fact, has now divorced his wife and married a young woman in his workplace with whom was also having an affair.
I thought everything was going OK until a few years later, I found that my wife had been conducting regular online communication (texts and FaceTime) with an old flame from her schooldays (well she says she was aware that he fancied her, but she saw him as just a school colleague). However, when I accidentally became aware of the frequency of their contact and the content of it, I felt that while she was just being friendly with him, he seemed to have quite another agenda in relation to her! When I asked her about it and said that I felt very uncomfortable with her having regular contact with a member of the opposite sex who was not a mutual friend, and who appeared to want more than just an exchange of messages from her, she apologised and admitted that it was a mistake to respond to his initial overtures (via LinkedIn), and told him that she did not want to continue the contact, and asked him not to contact her. He still does try to contact her, but she always tells me and never responds.
Despite all that, I continue to feel very anxious and insecure, almost to the point of becoming paranoid, when my wife is working away (which she has to do quite often). We try to maintain regular contact when she is working in another country, but if, for some reason, she fails to contact me when she says she will, or fails to respond to my message or phone calls I become very anxious. There is always a good reason for her lack of response (unexpected work & social commitments etc) but knowing that doesn't help.
How would you suggest I deal with this? I feel I cannot raise it with my wife as I know she would feel that I didn't trust her and would feel quite offended.
How you deal with this is what you should have done when you found out that she cheated on you ...divorce her.You shouldn't have found her a job overseas thinking that THAT would be the end of her cheating or your anxious and insecure behavior.You are feeling this way because you stopped trusting your wife the day that she cheated on you.Plain and simple.Obviously you still love this person very much BUT...Once a cheater...ALWAYS a cheater! You will never nor can never trust this person ever again.Why are you putting yourself through this agony?Also about marriage counseling....IF she suggests that you guys go then maybe you might have a chance to work things out BUT if YOU are the one suggesting marriage counseling ...then don't even bother.You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do....
She's definitely getting some side action. She's already proven to you that she can't be trusted. I'd try to go to marriage counseling to try and salvage it...but I'm afraid you'll always have the thought in the back of your mind what she's doing while she's on her "business trips".
In my heart I do trust my wife. She is a wonderful wife and mother. She is a warm, intelligent, outgoing, kind and friendly person. Her friendship and interest in other people in some ways causes her some problems because men sometimes misconstrue her friendliness and interest in them as people.
Trust her how?
You gave her tacit permission to keep doing what she is doing because she knows she can get away with it. She knows you are not going anywhere.
You need to either A.) Balance the books and have affairs of your own; or B.) Keep quiet and let her continue with her lovers. (Option C. would be to leave her but you know you won't do that.)
People should accept that once they are in relationships they will not stop being attracted to, or attractive to, others. Anyone who has been cheated on is not as hurt by the offense as they are by the feeling that they are less valuable than the person their partner cheated with. A person with a strong esteem and sense of self will not be devastated by a "cheating" partner. He/She will simply decide whether to shrug it off; or walk away; or balance the books by exercising his/her own options, all according to the explicit or implied expectations they had at the start of the relationship.
Nothing can help you trust her..you’re either going to put trust back in to her and be ok with taking her words and actions for what she claims them to be or deny her that privilege knowing you’re not willing to allow it.
Only you can decide what’s correct for yourself.
You need to address it (bath with her and yourself) to understand where you fall. Until you do, you’re just sitting around not learning anything or allowing yourself explore what’s best for you.
One of the most important things in a marriage is trust, which you don't have, and for good reason. Being suspicious of her causes you stress, and certainly doesn't make you happy. I don't see the point of a marriage that doesn't bring happiness to both parties.
I don't know either one of you, so I can't give you advice, but I can tell you what I would do--I'd call it quits rather than stay married to someone I'm suspicious of all the time. That's no way to live.
I feel a bit pathetic writing about this, but it has troubled me for a long time. It's probably just my own personality that's the problem, but I want to find a way of dealing with it.
About 14 years ago, some 14 years into what I thought was a secure and happy marriage, I was devastated to discover my wife was having an affair with a colleague at work. Although she vehemently denied it for months, I eventually found proof of the affair that she could not deny, and she then admitted it. She admitted she had allowed herself to get too close to her colleague with whom she found she could discuss problems at work and who was very sympathetic and supportive. She said she did not want to bring her work problems home, although I'm sure would have been as sympathetic and supportive as he was! It then gradually escalated into en emotional affair (with ages spent texting one another), and then eventually, a physical affair. it took ages to get her to break contact, although working in the same place was not helping. Eventually, I took the matter into my own hands and after scrutinising the job vacancies in her field of work, showed her a great job that was advertised - except it was overseas, although that was the main attraction for me! She applied for, and got the job and we moved away. Since then she has had no contact with the affair partner who, in fact, has now divorced his wife and married a young woman in his workplace with whom was also having an affair.
I thought everything was going OK until a few years later, I found that my wife had been conducting regular online communication (texts and FaceTime) with an old flame from her schooldays (well she says she was aware that he fancied her, but she saw him as just a school colleague). However, when I accidentally became aware of the frequency of their contact and the content of it, I felt that while she was just being friendly with him, he seemed to have quite another agenda in relation to her! When I asked her about it and said that I felt very uncomfortable with her having regular contact with a member of the opposite sex who was not a mutual friend, and who appeared to want more than just an exchange of messages from her, she apologised and admitted that it was a mistake to respond to his initial overtures (via LinkedIn), and told him that she did not want to continue the contact, and asked him not to contact her. He still does try to contact her, but she always tells me and never responds.
Despite all that, I continue to feel very anxious and insecure, almost to the point of becoming paranoid, when my wife is working away (which she has to do quite often). We try to maintain regular contact when she is working in another country, but if, for some reason, she fails to contact me when she says she will, or fails to respond to my message or phone calls I become very anxious. There is always a good reason for her lack of response (unexpected work & social commitments etc) but knowing that doesn't help.
How would you suggest I deal with this? I feel I cannot raise it with my wife as I know she would feel that I didn't trust her and would feel quite offended.
You’re not going to like my response but the little voice in the back of your head telling you something is wrong is not your insecurity it’s called intuition.
If your intuition is telling you something is wrong then I think it’s safe to assume she’s shacking up with another person or is in process of forming such a relationship. I don’t think this is something any amount of counseling or communication can help you overcome. She seems by nature to stray from marital vows so set your expectations as such. Either be able to live with it or deal appropriately.
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