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Well, My husband and I were getting dinner and grocery shopping one night when he was texting Me for a long time about non work related stuff. I even laughed and asked him “should I really tell this guy that my favorite movies are such dumb middle school aged humor comedies?! What will he think of me?” I would let him read any of the texts because I don’t flirt or say anything remotely sexual. It’s just him initiating a lot of contact and telling me work info he doesn’t communicate to anyone else in my dept
I have no idea how his wife would feel, I mean he’s the one initiating all the contact and I don’t know that he’s as open as I am w my husband, but he did mention how she left for Cali as soon as he was finally home...
Do you know other women at firms like yours who you could run this past? Maybe old classmates, or even an old professor? This situation just seems so fraught with dangers. Yes you could get a glowing review from him, but if he has something more in mind and it goes badly, he could affect your career in the opposite direction. I think our advice here might be limited. You'd be better off talking to women who have also experienced being the only woman in a firm.
And now knowing that both of you are married...
If this is real, then no, it's not appropriate, it's not normal, it's not a good road to go down. Doesn't matter that it's not "flirting". Keep him at arm's length.
Do you mean by trusting me with more classified work stuff that he doesn’t tell others in my dept even when he should?
Someone in his own dept was also mad when I knew something that he didn’t. I truly do not know why he only tells me things!!! I just feel like everyone else sees him as non communicative yet I feel he tells me everything easily. And I have never EVER flirted with him. I do feel we connect well but even so, even I was shocked when he started coming to me and trusting me as early as he did. One night he called and told me something, then said “wait you aren’t the point person for this new project are you, I will take [other guy’s] # from you.” I gave it, he said thanks. Then he proceeded to start a whole hour long text convo about nothing remotely related to work with ME. It just seemed out of the blue. He doesn’t text me randomly- he just segways it out of us discussing work.
OP, you know what the poster means by "he's being sneaky". You know, because I spelled it out for you in post @2 on your thread, right out of the gate. You seem to be deliberately ignoring the subtle personal overtures he's making, so that you can justify the exchanges with this guy as potentially strategically important to your career.
And yet, the more you post, the more details come out, that indicate your being privy to project details no one else knows is starting to backfire on you. Doesn't sound like a good strategic career-booster to me.
1. He thinks you're cute, and wants to be "friends", whatever that entails in his mind.
2. He's married (at least he was honest). But he shows signs of working the marriage-headed-for-divorce angle. Beware.
3. He may just be lonely, considering that he's walled himself off from other co-workers and his team lead, but #1 & 2 would (or should) preclude any "friendship" (given that you each may have different intentions there, hint hint) from developing. Proceed with caution. Keep things businesslike, unless you want to find yourself suddenly awkwardly involved in an ambiguous situation turning into quicksand.
Yeah, that was the main red flag to me too. Everything you know about his wife is implying she's never there. Whether that's true or not, that's what he's letting you know. He's setting the stage for an affair, if you're agreeable.
But what is “shouldn’t have”? It’s a BIG assumption to say that he only tells me work related things, and keeps them from others in my dept, because he finds me attractive and wants to possibly have an affair down the line. Just because I’m about a decade younger and (being honest) attractive, is it also not possible that he respects my work (as he always compliments me on it) and sees me as approachable and trustworthy?
Face it. You are flattered and fascinated. You want the attention. This is self indulgent...self-gratification with a hint of danger due to the secrecy. It is also naivete that can land you in big trouble but you don't want to admit it. If something wasn't nagging at you this thread would never have been started. He only shares work information with you that others should be seeing? That's not being trustworthy, that's being a co-conspirator. He's sending you all these texts after hours knowing both of you are married to other people? And you just keep replying?
I guess anyone can exercise free will and step off the cliff looming directly in front of them. So it wasn't a Freudian slip that you chose to post your question in the "Relationships" subforum instead of the "Work" subforum?
When it all goes sour with your employer, your husband or both, don't come back and cry that no one warned you or blame it on anyone besides yourself.
Yeah, the slow roll-out of facts and stubborn repetition of the topic sentence makes me doubt this whole thing.
Have fun, OP.
I agree. If this whole thing is even true, it's obvious what's on his mind.
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