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in brief: unfaithful live-in girlfriend now has breast cancer. now what do i do?
so, i went out w/ this girl for eight months hot and heavy, with us moving in together toward the end. many fights along the way, mainly w/ me trying to break up w her due to a suspected connection w an ex that she denied existed. turns out she'd mislead me about their relationship from date 1 and had, in fact, spent two months of our 8 cheating on me w/ him.
i left her but after a seven month absence she got back in touch w/ me and, bingo bango, 3 months later we're living together again, with her claiming to be a changed woman. plan had been to work through her infidelity with couples therapy, which she has refused to talk about since i discovered it and see if we couldn't get my trust in her to rise above the zero zilch nada none level.
well, then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. a true horror. and i felt terrible for her and swore that i'd see her through it and past recovery and that we'd have a great life together once she got better. as to couple's therapy, she said she couldn't deal with anything but her health and that therapy was off the table, now and in the future, and that there'd be no talk of her cheating and that guy, etc. no relationship talk, okay, because i'm about to have a body part removed. if anything needs to be dealt with, you have to deal w/ it on your own.
she swore that she was over that guy and never wanted to see him again, which she's said before, so how'm i to know? you'd think, given the uncertainties surrounding her health, she'd be true to her word, but i've learned that this girl is capable of just about anything. she's not a bad person but she is very messed up. and very dishonest. and no, in her online dealings, she is not transparent but again that topic is off limits.
do i love her? i don't know. i do know that i'm attached to her in a very unhealthy way. my therapist thinks i need to leave her right now today, but i've sworn to her that i'd take care of her, so that's what i've got to do. i did pack up and try to leave once but my guilt and listening to her horror at having to possibly face surgery alone made it impossible. (she doesn't have any friends she can count on and no family nearby.)
my question is, how do i handle not being able to talk to my so-called partner about anything having to do with the past or, indeed, the present, if it's emotional in nature and not about cancer? i mean, she hasn't done one thing to help me get over what she did. and now i'm having to live with that day in and day out.
i feel incredibly selfish for thinking about myself at a time like this but i'm having serious issues stuffing my own feelings and worries in a closet.
one thing i've been trying to do is to detach myself from her a little bit, while still giving her everything she needs. i've been getting up earlier and not hanging out in bed w/ her. i'm meditating and trying to learn mindfulness. i've been reading about non-attachment. and about how to have a FWB relationship, which is how I"m beginning to think i need to look at this situation, even if she doesn't (or that might be her reality already without me knowing it.).
my reality is that she will not be able to be there for me in the way that i need with regards to just about anything. it's been that way since the beginning but i've only realized it recently. had i really gotten it earlier, i would have stayed away but it's too late for that now.
gak. what a mess. and believe me, i'm no saint. but i'm just trying to hold on as best i can.
advice, anyone?
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluro
okay, all, thanks. yes, i know i should leave and i know that if i did, she'd manage her coming ordeal okay, but i gave her my word and i'm going to stick by it as best i can. yup, that makes me a sucker, but my current thinking is that i'll only stay until she's back on her feet, less than six months, i'd guess, maybe three.
three or six, it's still going to be tough. the only way to do it, i think, is, as catzpaw says, to dial expectations down to zero. which i have started to do, by admitting to myself that she's not the right one for me and that i will have to leave eventually. before, i thought she was *it*, the forever one, and i'd have constant nightmares about her ex and what they did together. since saying to myself, she ain't it at all, i haven't had a single nightmare. and i'd been having them nightly for months. the relief has been unexpected and palpable and suggests to me i am on the right path, at least as far as expectations go.
so: no expectations for a long term future, no expectations for fidelity, no expectations for our bad sex life, no expectations at all, if i can manage it, which i know i won't be able to but i'm gonna try. i'd welcome any suggestions you might have in this regard. thanks again!
Why are you asking for advice? There's pages worth of advice, you just don't want to take it. You've even admitted to it. You're an idiot. Maybe her ex-boyfriend can move in with y'all after she gets out of the hospital? He'll probably get you a Nintendo Switch for Christmas.
If you wanted to support her through breast cancer treatment, you could still do it w/out living with her. It sure doesn't sound like you owe her a thing. Get yourself out of this mess so you can move on - hopefully - to a healthier and fulfilling relationship. Best of luck!
However, I think you need to dump her. Let mom and dad deal with her health issues. You can still go with her to treatments and bring her meals. Not live with her.
Why are you asking for advice? There's pages worth of advice, you just don't want to take it. You've even admitted to it. You're an idiot. Maybe her ex-boyfriend can move in with y'all after she gets out of the hospital? He'll probably get you a Nintendo Switch for Christmas.
Seconded.
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