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No, my parents even abused me from the time I was little. They let me know I wasn't wanted constantly, and I did all I could to try and win them over and get them to love me when I was little. I wasn't allowed friends when I was growing up, at least not long term. My father is a felon and constantly would move us around so when I'd make friends briefly my parents broke it up. I've never even had a guy ask me out on a date. Until this man came along, no man had taken the time to get to know me. But this guy has treated me nicer than anyone. I've had lots of people betray me, but not love me. I've had cats that loved me, but not people. But when I was little my pets would be killed when my parents knew I got attached to them. My father usually did it. They didn't usually live long in the home. So I ended up being scared to get attached or they'd die.
It is more common than you think. I was the product of my mom having an affair. I never understood why I was hated but my siblings were loved. I just wanted my parents love. I was beat constantly and to a inch of my life twice as a child. I spent time in the hospital and grew up only counting on myself. Only years later did I get the full story and it explained why my mom would constantly tell he "I wish you were never born" thank god she was Catholic, to my daily beatings from my dad and how he would force me to fist fight.
My point OP is there are a lot of bad people out there but there are some very wonderful people too. Continue with your therapy, because like previously mentioned, your therapist knows your whole story and is the most qualified to help you. I wish you the best and hope that you have a wonderful day.
Yeah...I thought I read that wrong, homeless with a therapist and can bake a birthday cake. Idk, I just wouldn’t feel too sexy if I was homeless.
OP, not having a bf, being used for sex, loving a racist man...don’t you understand that even with all this, the worst thing and first thing should be your concern for being homeless? What about your daughter? Sure you lived a rough life, you’re free now though.
I was homeless LAST YEAR when I moved into this housing and met him.
My daughter is an adult now. He saw a picture of her as a child. Basically, the only way obviously for me to have a man in my life is to throw out all pictures of my daughter and pretend my past didn't happen. I got away from the man who raped me, escaped his home only really, when I was a teenaged adult. The government years later gave him full custody of my daughter who was conceived during one of the many rapes. I've lived my entire adult life having people blame me for what happened. People insisting that a chose to be with that thing. Nope! The adults in my life when I was a child forced me to marry him after he'd been raping me and my parents found out about it. Because I wasn't a virgin anymore. I had told what he was doing to me to try and get help to get away from him and was forced to marry him instead.
I've been accused of being a racist too because I wouldn't go along with the one night stands when I was younger. I never have been attracted to black men. Why should I have to have another one of them touch me like that when I don't want them to just because the government allowed that other one to do all of that to me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
It's time for you to let go of your past and move on with your life.
It can be done but you must make up your mind to do it. Your best years are ahead if you.
I have tried moving on ever since I left him, but the courts and society haven't allowed it. Up until a few years ago they continuously let my ex stalk me and even helped him do it. I lived in terror. And he sometimes goes a few years without bothering me, so I know he could pop up again. No man has ever been interested in me. I was stupid to think that someone finally came along. It won't happen again. First time dating is for young people. I am middle aged woman with lots of health problems. I have accepted that no man will ever love me years ago and temporarily forgot it. If it was going to happen it would've happened by now. I'm not going to live what time I have left believing in fairy tales.
I have even had online dating profiles over the years and no one was ever interested. Someone had me put up another one back in May and not a single man was interested. No contact. That's the way it always is. Either I'm invisible like this or men like this guy want to hurt me because I had been victimized as a child by a black man who was a lot older than I was. If my rapist had been white I wouldn't have people rubbing it in my face my whole life, mocking me and saying I wanted it. I could've hid it.
My future years consist of chemotherapy and having parts of my body hacked off surgically as I die. I'm not getting any better years. I got nothing out of this life no matter how hard I fought for it. You can't make someone care about you. I never could. I am in my 40s and everyone I ever thought was a friend betrayed me and always in big ways. Two of them even knew what that thing had done to me but was still betraying my confidence and telling him what I was up to and helping him stalk me.
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Originally Posted by rrah
I say this with kindness, please call your therapist. Leave a message. Your therapist knows your full history and can help best. If you get to the point of feeling like this is an emergency, check yourself into the closest emergency room. A few things you've said worry me a lot.
While people here can often lend an ear, what I read in your writing tells me you need more help than any of us can offer you right now. I truly recognize the spiral of negative self talk you're going through at the moment. It's concerning. Has your therapist worked with you on controlling that spiral of thoughts? Use those techniques to stop the spinning.
I am on disability and Medicaid. Here in this state it is hard getting any therapy at all if you can't pay out of pocket for it. I'm not going into a hospital for three days just because I was stupid enough to think someone cared about me. You can only have so many therapy sessions with the therapist a month. I'm not scheduled again for couple weeks, and then it's only about 40 minutes long so they go quick and you leave without anything being resolved.
I was going to break it off with this guy anyway because I see how abusive he is and he hid it so well. I just hadn't got the courage yet and I was trying to get my money back. I most likely am going to lose my car, even if I get the money back. I got in over my head with this car. But I really need the money back.
I don't have much confidence in my therapist right now anyway since she was telling me all this stuff meant he wanted to date me and encouraging me to take a chance. If I hadn't listened to her I wouldn't be feeling like this and I'd still have my money. It is my fault for listening to her. Now that all this happened she's encouraging me to try and date someone to move past him. Hello, I already tried years ago to attract a guy and no one wanted me. Except black men. She makes a big deal because I refuse to consider black men. I've already had one of them forced on me in my life and I don't want to be bullied into allowing another one to get close enough to hurt me. And none of them wanted relationship anyway. At least they were honest I guess whereas this guy just wanted to use me for what he could get out of me and toss me out. I had to fall in love with this guy before I let him do anything with me though. I am not going to get into one night stands. Besides, that was when I was younger. In this building I'm one of the youngest women here and I had to turn down a lot of men wanting sex. This was the only guy who seemed to want to be with me for more than that. Before I moved into this building though, I never even had a white man want to have sex with me since what happened. I am not into that though. I thought this guy had real feelings for me. But I am invisible to men outside the building.
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Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
No one can make you feel ruined without your permission. He's not worth beating yourself up over. He's a liar, a deadbeat, and a racist. Plus, now you know he sleeps around and hires hookers. Let his gf have his STD's. Spare yourself the anguish. His face would light up around you, because he's a flirt, who's used to picking up women, and knows how to do it. He knows what works.
Do what you can to get yourself back on your feet. There are charitable organizations, that offer free job training. Look forward, not back. Work out a plan to move your life forward, than start putting one foot in front of the other, to reach your goal.
I was already ruined before I met him. What did I want from life? I wanted a husband that loved me and a family. I cannot have anything I wanted. I cannot force a man to finally decide to ask me out on a date for the first time. If a guy doesn't even want to date me then he sure isn't going to marry me unless he's an abuser. I can never have children. Because of the damage done from the rapes my uterus prolapsed and I had to have a hysterectomy. I almost died from it. All I can do is exist at this point until I die. I don't have to commit suicide to die. Mother nature is killing me off already. I just try to make myself as comfortable as possible. It is impossible for me to have any of the things I valued and wanted in life.
I am on disability. I cannot hold down a job. I never could. I tried. I stayed sick all the time and got fired.
I had never met anyone like him before. He's likely been like that all his life. He seems to be a ******.
I was told that there is a culture within this building where these men have a competition to see who all can score with the new, single woman that moves into the building. It turned out that it may be true. I thought it sounded too crazy to be true. I've had nearly every man in this building try to get with me, and he was the only one in my life I ever said yes to because I thought he cared and because I loved him.
There is this one man in this building who has literally got with every woman in the building but me and I turned him down. This guy and the comments made is what got me thinking what I'd been told was likely true. It was like literally I was being told that he'd been with all the other women and it was like people thought it was my obligation or something to help fix that. I just said and he still ain't and walked off.
And the men have this tally going amongst each other and even though the affair had been secret among the women in the building, it's obvious the men all know he's been with me. So, he didn't keep it a secret from the men. But it weird like the men don't know what to think of me because I've never been easy like these women here. This is a weird building. The women do get with these men. And the men give props or something to him because he got with me. I find it disturbing. It was another reason I was looking to break things off after I found out this stuff, but the big reason was seeing how abusive he gets to his girlfriend. For example, he will pull her hair hard. She will complain it hurt and he'll say things like "I didn't feel a thing" and "I'll yank it clear out of your head." So, I know he isn't what I thought he was. And the whole marriage thing was really the other way around. He's been pressuring her to marry him and she's said she doesn't want to marry him. I've been finding other stuff he's lied about as well. And he has a big gambling addiction. He lost over $200 in just one night playing lottery. He compulsively buys them. If he gets money he goes right out and buys more tickets. Between buying tickets and paying for the hooker I am surprised he gets his rent paid. It's no wonder all his wives divorced him. I used to want to marry him until I saw his faults coming out the past couple of months.
Please know that this was written with love and compassion. I am truly sorry that you had a difficult life however, that is over and you can learn from it and make a better life for your adult life.
If this therapist is not working, find another one. But therapy does not work if you don't listen to what your doctor tells you.
Please stop making bad choices as an adult and then say life is against you.
You can wallow in self-misery or learn and grow.
Think about the positive things in your life, like 1) YOu have a beautiful daughter 2) you are no longer homeless 3) you have now learned to read the red flags so the next guy can't pull another fast one on you 4) you are still alive to find the love of your life.
He will come but you must first learn to love yourself and let go of the past. Many people had a hard/difficult life, it's called life. You must stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to improve your life. You can find friends at a church. (please remember, just bc you are at church- it doesn't mean those people are good or that they don't lie). You sound kind of lonely.
you have now learned to read the red flags so the next guy can't pull another fast one on you 4) you are still alive to find the love of your life.
Exactly! OP You have a new standard now. You know what you want. You want the nice guy that will treat you well. You know what its like. It was a farce with this guy, but that isnt the norm.
Not to mention, you dont have to get emotionally attached right away to find that person. There are men out there that will genuinely treat you well. You just have to look for them. You just have to do your due diligence to make sure you get to know them well so you dont get attached to someone that you will have issues that you cant compromise with in the long run.
Exactly! OP You have a new standard now. You know what you want. You want the nice guy that will treat you well. You know what its like. It was a farce with this guy, but that isnt the norm.
Not to mention, you dont have to get emotionally attached right away to find that person. There are men out there that will genuinely treat you well. You just have to look for them. You just have to do your due diligence to make sure you get to know them well so you dont get attached to someone that you will have issues that you cant compromise with in the long run.
When you get to be in your 40s and no guy has even asked you out on a date then no man is going to magically appear and ask you out. I did look for guys back when I was young. By the time I was in my 30s it was beginning to be obvious that I was a reject. I did look long time ago. I've been waiting a long time to be asked out on first date, and no man is worth the wait. I'm done with that. I can't have a family anymore anyway.
I feel so stupid for listening to that therapist. I wasn't even going to try with this guy and ignore him when he was flirting with me at first. She encouraged me to give it a shot. I don't have confidence in this woman.
I was stupid for thinking someone could actually like me when no guy ever did before. I won't fall for that again though.
I fell in love for the first time in my life with this guy. He was the first man to ever kiss me. How pathetic is that? I didn't get kissed for the first time until I was 42 years old.
He recently came on to me wanting to get with me and seemed so shocked I turned him down. He wasn't happy about it, either. But he burned that bridge and I'm not letting him rebuild it. I never told him no on anything before and it felt weird. And since I still love him it felt kind of sad too. I would've been very good to him and I had been very good to him.
I found out since this happened though that he has a criminal record for DV against his previous wife and he had choked his last wife but she didn't file charges. His gf also looks like his last wife. So, he can get violent. He is very good at hiding it.
Spending time with him when it was good was the happiest time of my life. I have trouble hating someone who gave me the best time in my life. I don't think I ever will hate him. In some ways the time when it was good was very healing to me. But the time since it turned bad has really hurt me. I won't be with him again either though.
I won't be with anyone again physically. I figure since men don't think I am worth dating then men aren't worth doing that with. Men just aren't worth it.
When you get to be in your 40s and no guy has even asked you out on a date then no man is going to magically appear and ask you out. I did look for guys back when I was young. By the time I was in my 30s it was beginning to be obvious that I was a reject. I did look long time ago. I've been waiting a long time to be asked out on first date, and no man is worth the wait. I'm done with that. I can't have a family anymore anyway.
I feel so stupid for listening to that therapist. I wasn't even going to try with this guy and ignore him when he was flirting with me at first. She encouraged me to give it a shot. I don't have confidence in this woman.
I was stupid for thinking someone could actually like me when no guy ever did before. I won't fall for that again though.
I fell in love for the first time in my life with this guy. He was the first man to ever kiss me. How pathetic is that? I didn't get kissed for the first time until I was 42 years old.
He recently came on to me wanting to get with me and seemed so shocked I turned him down. He wasn't happy about it, either. But he burned that bridge and I'm not letting him rebuild it. I never told him no on anything before and it felt weird. And since I still love him it felt kind of sad too. I would've been very good to him and I had been very good to him.
I found out since this happened though that he has a criminal record for DV against his previous wife and he had choked his last wife but she didn't file charges. His gf also looks like his last wife. So, he can get violent. He is very good at hiding it.
Spending time with him when it was good was the happiest time of my life. I have trouble hating someone who gave me the best time in my life. I don't think I ever will hate him. In some ways the time when it was good was very healing to me. But the time since it turned bad has really hurt me. I won't be with him again either though.
I won't be with anyone again physically. I figure since men don't think I am worth dating then men aren't worth doing that with. Men just aren't worth it.
No, some men ARE worth it; just not that man. Don't let other people, or that man, rob you of your joy. Why would you give that control to anyone?
Why are you waiting for a man to "make" you happy or to feel fulfilled or to ask you out? Stop that victim chant and mindset. If you find a man attractive or worth spending time with or getting to know, then YOU ask him out. Why is that a man's "job" or responsibility? If you want something, then go find it and get it. YOU do that work to achieve your dreams and goals and bring into your life what you desire and need.
Somewhere along the way someone took or you gave someone your self-esteem and self-respect. Go get it back! You deserve all of the wonderful things you want to bring into your life IF you have the dedication and drive to do the work to get them AND to keep them.
Please, please, stop feeling sorry for yourself and bathing in self-pity, self-loathing and believing that "someone" owes it to you to make your life any better than you yourself are willing to make it.
No, some men ARE worth it; just not that man. Don't let other people, or that man, rob you of your joy. Why would you give that control to anyone?
Why are you waiting for a man to "make" you happy or to feel fulfilled or to ask you out? Stop that victim chant and mindset. If you find a man attractive or worth spending time with or getting to know, then YOU ask him out. Why is that a man's "job" or responsibility? If you want something, then go find it and get it. YOU do that work to achieve your dreams and goals and bring into your life what you desire and need.
Somewhere along the way someone took or you gave someone your self-esteem and self-respect. Go get it back! You deserve all of the wonderful things you want to bring into your life IF you have the dedication and drive to do the work to get them AND to keep them.
Please, please, stop feeling sorry for yourself and bathing in self-pity, self-loathing and believing that "someone" owes it to you to make your life any better than you yourself are willing to make it.
I am disabled with just enough money to pay for basics. I do not have the money to go out places looking to meet anyone.
I have been taught since I was a child that the man asks the woman out. I am not going up to a strange man and beg him to date me. If a man thinks so little of me that he won't ask me out then he isn't going to care about me anyway.
I wanted a family from the time I was a child. That's all I wanted. I cannot have that.
I gave up idea of a man long time ago and had I reminded myself of that and avoided this man when he was flirting with me I wouldn't have been hurt.
I do not believe a man can make me happy. I never have as an adult.
I have done all I can possibly do to make my life better. I went to school. I made excellent grades. Graduated at the top. No one wanted me because of all my health problems. So, I did all of that for nothing. I cannot go back to college to do something else because I already have my degree and do not qualify for student financial aid. So, that's the best that will happen. I will not be happy about being in debt for nothing.
I have been kind to people to the point it hurts and they treat me like garbage in return. No one can honestly say I never tried to make friends.
I obeyed the Bible and honored my family even as they destroyed me. You try making friends when the community believes you tried to murder your child and got away with it. It never happened. No one tried to murder my daughter. My family God commanded me to honor lied about me because they could. When the cops came it was obvious my new gun that was still sealed unloaded had not even been fired. I was not charged criminally. I was charged in CPS court where the word of a lying social worker that you "admitted" something to her, with zero proof you said anything of the sort, is enough to take your child and label you a child abuser. So, I could never work in my field even if God did provide that miraculous healing that people kept promising me He would.
No, I do not wallow in self pity. I am surrounded by reality that can never be fixed. I can never be restored. I cannot restore myself, and people are too convinced of my guilt to ever restore me. For many years the only companionship I had was my cats and they are all dead now. And this guy. At least when I die I will have experienced consensual sex with someone I loved, even if he never cared about me. It was more than I ever had before.
And I will be unlikely to ever find a man I care about like that again. Because of my PTSD from what happened to me over the years men usually make me anxious and cause me to freeze up or have panic attacks. Or at least so nervous I could vomit from the stress. I have never trusted a man before this guy came along because of what happened to me and it won't ever happen again.
I won't even live long enough for it to happen again. I am going to die. I am very ill. I have to go to hospital for chemo for my Crohn's even to keep my insides from bleeding so heavy. They won't give me anything for pain because of war on opiods. Tell me to take Tylenol. Like that would work. Can't take something like advil because it makes my insides bleed worse. I get to be in pain every single day of my life with zero relief and I am supposed to be happy about it. I am rejected by society every day for something I never did. I have even been target for vigilante justice. But I am supposed to be happy. There is absolutely nothing to be happy about. I dream of suicide every single day just so the pain will finally end, but I can't right now. I still have to go to court because of the latest stuff my family did to me to try and clear my name of disability fraud. Even funner I have to go to court day after my IV infusion and will be sick and pukey with splitting headache while I try to remember all I need to say to try and prove my innocence. And even if I win, there will be no apology made and the people that have done this to me will get away with it. I will not receive any justice. And they will come after me again when they can think of something else to do to me. And what will the community believe? That I got away with something all over again. No one will ever apologize for the lies told about me.
What kind of self esteem have I ever had? I've been told by everyone, even teachers at school, what a piece of garbage I am my whole life. There has never been any proof otherwise. Even when I made the honor roll my teachers didn't like me. I never understood why. There has to be some proof. I cannot even hold down a job. The employers didn't even think I was worth keeping around for minimum wage because I'm sick most of the time. I've even been turned down for volunteer work. I was so worthless I couldn't even give my labor away for free. As I have been told many times, I am a "useless eater." But I don't feel sorry for myself over it. I am angry. God created me like this just so that all these Christians of His can treat me this way and I am supposed to believe He loves me? Yeah right.
I did all I literally could with what I have had. There is nothing more I could have done. I just take my meds now, go to the doctors, and wait for all these problems to finally kill me. Even with all that college, it was not enough to override the health problems. I am tired of being in pain all the time. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of being alone and having people treat me like garbage for things I cannot control. I am tired of being falsely accused of things. I not only get attacked for being sick, but no one ever even checks on me and asks me how I'm doing. No one visits me. When I call others to talk it's obvious I'm just bothering them. I've even been done that way by people I was there for when they were sick. I was always there for people and no one is ever there for me. So, not only are men not worth it, but life isn't even worth it. I just hanging in trying to clear my name before I give up entirely. I don't even have to kill myself to die. All I have to do is stop taking the meds keeping me alive and let nature take its course. I just have to clear my name first at this hearing. My legal aid attorney says that it will take at least two months to get the decision. So, maybe April or May I might know if my name was cleared or not. If I lose the appeal then the government will be killing me anyway since I won't have medical care anymore. It will just give me peace of mind to have been cleared of at least some of the false allegations.
As bad as this man treated me in the end, he still treated me better than anyone ever has my whole life during the time before things went bad. He was the first person I never felt anxious around and for a time when he'd be around I felt safe. People wouldn't hurt me when he was around during the earlier times. I had never felt safe before. All growing up people hurt me. It felt so good to get a break from being so scared all the time. I never wanted that feeling to end. And I'll never understand why I felt that way. It never happened before, so I have nothing to compare it to. It wasn't a decision. It was like fate gave me a wave of peace when he was around. It was always automatic. I never knew the feeling before. I didn't create the feeling, so I don't know how to get it back. I'm back to being hypervigilant and jumpy all the time and watching for danger. I'm tired all the time and I have slept about 3 hours in the past two days. My PTSD gets really bad sometimes.
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