Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm confused...are you married or not? One place you said you do not want to get married...but last place you said it is "OUR marriage". Ita with you that different relationships are different...about sex & everything else, too. I don't think of marriage as an *arrangement* ...I want a wild, sex filled, loving, respectful, committed relationship before I would even *think* about marriage. I'm divorced & already made one mistake. I dunno if there can be a fully committed or respectful relationship ...at least with *most* people who go outside of the marriage. I'm sure you have run into the men who give the sad story...about the wife ignores him, the wife won't have sex, the wife is depressed so she isn't interested in sex....& then he uses that line to get himself some...whether it's true or not. That's what I think is "tired".....but if two people agree, it's their business. I couldn't do it, tho. I want to be sexually desired by my man....it's part of a healthy relationship even if it's not the most important thing.
Where do I say I don't want to get married?
I did not want to get married when I was younger, and my ex manipulated and pushed me into a serious relationship, I was with him 18 years and it was awful. We've been apart 4 years now.
Present boyfriend and I met 5 months after the breakup. I was already in a poly relationship with 3 others at that time. Eventually I broke up with them, and he and I have escalated to living together and now we do plan to get married.
I'm trying to get my sons to adulthood and out of my house first. It doesn't really matter, but it feels right to get that step done, before I marry my guy. Like closing a chapter and opening a new chapter of life, for me. That is the main reason we're waiting. We've been together about 3 and a half years.
It will BE "our" marriage. We will conduct it as we please. Sexual fidelity is not a hard requirement...but honesty is. For us.
Oh and I do also want to be sexually desired by my man. And I am. We just are not...erm...typical people. Having sexual play with others does not lessen what we feel for one another, nor what either of us receives from one another. If anything we are more giving and loving to each other than most couples I have ever known. Sex is very important to us. And I mean, the sex that the two of us are having with each other, is very, VERY important to us.
The other people we play with, are our friends, they are fun, but what we have runs more deeply and truly. There are many things we do together that we would never do with anyone else, or apart. We just don't classify all sexual things as such. It doesn't take away from the experiences we have together.
Very different from the situation where there is an open relationship or an arrangement, or more likely, a cheating situation, because the wife won't give up sex and the man isn't getting his needs met. Thing is, though, unless the relationship is very healthy and otherwise happy, even opening it won't work out well. The polyamorous folks say that one of the most common classic mistakes is, "Relationship Broken; Add More People." It's about as effective as that late stages, failing marriage scenario where they go on a vacation or (worse) have a baby to try and "save" the relationship. It does not work.
Open "arrangements" are more for people who are generally happy, but open to exploring new and different ways to be happy, without taking or losing anything from the original relationship. People who don't see love or sex as a zero sum game.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,580,042 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Where do I say I don't want to get married?
I did not want to get married when I was younger, and my ex manipulated and pushed me into a serious relationship, I was with him 18 years and it was awful. We've been apart 4 years now.
Present boyfriend and I met 5 months after the breakup. I was already in a poly relationship with 3 others at that time. Eventually I broke up with them, and he and I have escalated to living together and now we do plan to get married.
You didn't say you didn't want to get married...just that you weren't yet...but later said "OUR marriage" so I didn't know if you were married or not.
Congratulations on your happy relationship....I know what it's like to come out of an unhappy marriage into an exciting, mature & *happy* relationship with a man. But ...we are taking it slow & loving it without even thinking about marriage yet. We are thinking about moving in together tho...& I never would consider it if the physical part of our relationship & our chemistry was different or lacked anything. It is too important a part of the relationship...for both of us.... even tho it's far from being the most important part.
Sex means different things to different people. So does marriage.
MOST - by far, most - people completely agree with you.
But vows of sexual fidelity will not be part of the vows that my partner and I speak. Both of us require honesty, and respect to one another's feelings. Both of us have enjoyed some not-quite-intercourse activities with others (in addition to the other relationships I was in when we met, before I broke up with them and agreed to exclusivity with him.) We explore other experiences with other partners now and again. Yet it isn't because we don't please one another. We both enjoy one another a LOT. We have very frequent sex.
And yet we do want to get married, and we don't expect to change what we're doing. We might even go further with other partners at some point later. We only commit to discuss it together before something happens, and to be loving and considerate of one another's needs and feelings.
Many people would wonder why, if we enjoy sex together so much, we would want to enjoy other people. I guess we're just having a lovely time at the feast that is laid before us...each of us happy that the other is able to have various experiences. Many would ask why we would get married if we don't intend to be 100% sexually fidelitious. We also don't intend to have any children together. So why get married, then? Because it will make our families (especially his) very happy, it will make US very happy, we want to celebrate the love we have for one another, and it makes it easy to deal with business matters like insurance and estate planning.
For us, marriage does not mean what you think it means. But that is fine, I think, as it is OUR marriage to be concerned with.
What? I can't wrap my head around what you even mean here. If you open your relationship, you do not find a guy to have sex with your wife for you. What about her consent? Only she could find someone for herself, and only if she wanted to. You simply talk and decide if you can both agree to be non-monogamous, or not. You do not find (or PAY??) someone to have an affair with her.
Just. What?
First , I do not care about who she has sex with anymore./ I mean well , I was disappointed that she told me in plain talk , there has been no sex with anyone for her these last 14 years I was more disappointed that she did not have sex, especially a good friend who she got along with they hung out some as the called the relationship a rare encounter, like twins. She always said no sex, they were just close friends, mine and hers, we had many years together traveling all across North America. I was just thinking , she is attractive smart, own business, doing well many wise, I enjoy that also ! So I just thought maybe she could have an affair and find out sex is good again I have heard that affairs can make your sex at home better....sometimes ? Whats to lose, I do trust her, we do everything together all these years, so why not ? "
First , I do not care about who she has sex with anymore./ I mean well , I was disappointed that she told me in plain talk , there has been no sex with anyone for her these last 14 years I was more disappointed that she did not have sex, especially a good friend who she got along with they hung out some as the called the relationship a rare encounter, like twins. She always said no sex, they were just close friends, mine and hers, we had many years together traveling all across North America. I was just thinking , she is attractive smart, own business, doing well many wise, I enjoy that also ! So I just thought maybe she could have an affair and find out sex is good again I have heard that affairs can make your sex at home better....sometimes ? Whats to lose, I do trust her, we do everything together all these years, so why not ? "
I prefer not to talk of affairs, because to me, affairs and cheating involve lying about it, hiding it, and that's not a feature of a healthy relationship. And it is not ethical.
But I can speak to open relationships and poly, because I have some experience there. Some poly people do say that when you have a new sex partner, it can fire up your excitement about sex in general and this can improve the sex life with your primary partner. But she would have to be open to being sexual in the first place, and comfortable sharing her sexuality with you. Maybe she's not. I don't know.
And I know women who get a lot more out of close, affectionate (but not sexual) friendships. In fact part of my lack of satisfaction with my poly group, was I wanted more sexual activity with 2 out of 3 of the people. Only the husband of the couple was very interested. His wife, not so much, and my other boyfriend in the group, also not so much. In fact, I only truly NEEDED to break up with one of these people, but I didn't know how to do that without feeling like I was "kicking him out" so I broke up with the entire group. I am still close friends with the married couple, and the wife has confided in me that she isn't very interested in sex anymore. She wants to build bonds that are more like family, less like lovers. Good thing for her husband, he can still go to swinger parties and such, and get his sex needs met. But they love one another a lot, they've been together almost 20 years.
I think you should talk to your wife about opening your relationship. But read books about ethical non-monogamy first. They have a lot of good advice on how to do it without treating each other (or other people) badly. Most poly people I know date others, separately, but end up being good friends with the partner's other partners (called "metamours.") It's a thing. People do it. It won't ever be what most people do, I think, but it works for some.
So back to it though, how important is sex?
Very important. Because even if for some people it is not a strong need, or they don't want or need it at all, finding a way to navigate those disconnects without someone becoming depressed, resentful, hurt... It is a critical challenge to a long term bond. I don't think it is fair to expect a person to stop wanting sex, just because you do not. (And it is not always the wife!)
I agree , the whole thing that revolves around sex, the love, comfort , like you share all........when that’s gone , I became depressed, felt alone , like something good was gone....and it’s was, now 14 years later I feel my wife stole a part of my life , now I am old.
Most women don't "hate sex" in and of itself. A wife not wanting to have it with her husband, is often a symptom of deeper problems. If he needs a mistress, perhaps she needs the freedom to go find sex she wants to have with someone else, too.
Or maybe they should simply go their separate ways, unless there is a compelling reason not to. Then they could both find someone they are happier with.
After 35 plus years my wife decided to end our marriage , the intimacy sex part. She pretended fo the last 14 years like nothing ever happened.
Other than I was drinking too much , so I quit all together these last 14 years, nothing changed. I think now that she is 70 and I am 78 , a new beginning is not practical. would love to find someone normal for our last years. I still think about sex everyday, the last 14 years. This guy did not have the guts to divorce her. Much of that is our business connection together, and the mingling of funds, ..makes me very up set for starters . ... I do not know what to do, there IS a freedom of being in love and having a normal sex life, even at these sunset years......very depressed guy.
After 35 plus years my wife decided to end our marriage , the intimacy sex part. She pretended fo the last 14 years like nothing ever happened.
Other than I was drinking too much , so I quit all together these last 14 years, nothing changed. I think now that she is 70 and I am 78 , a new beginning is not practical. would love to find someone normal for our last years. I still think about sex everyday, the last 14 years. This guy did not have the guts to divorce her. Much of that is our business connection together, and the mingling of funds, ..makes me very up set for starters . ... I do not know what to do, there IS a freedom of being in love and having a normal sex life, even at these sunset years......very depressed guy.
So if she's 70, your wife probably was going through menopause 14 years ago, right? She's in the wrong for shutting you out emotionally and physically, but those hormonal changes she's been dealing with aren't nothing, either.
I went to couples counseling for years, and I learned that I am not alone. There are a lot of married people whose spouse has denied sex for decades.
I am NOT 'making it up'.
But again, you're neglecting to mention what you've told us before--sex causes your wife extreme physical pain. Your wife isn't denying you sex because she's on some kind of power trip. It's a completetly different scenario.
She did suffer a physical injury that triggered menopause when she was 25. Due to a family history of female cancers [overy, cervix, and breast], she refuses to touch any estrogen or estrogen-like products that might help the atrophy, tearing skin and physical pain.
My Dw never fought for her sexuality, for our sex life. We think that her natural personality is one of being 'asexual', this physical injury simply gave her an excuse to quit trying to be sexual.
I am confident that she has never had an affair. Which is why I will never file for a divorce.
I was responding to a post that was trying to imply that no female would deny sex for 20 years. And that went on to say that "Men make that stuff up so they can have affairs".
I assure you that it does happen. There are cases where a female does not want to try to have sex anymore.
My case is not all that unusual.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
