Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I really don't understand what that had to do with what I said, at all.
But I am all for open relationships if people can be ethical and honest about it. I'd say if there is an understanding between a wife and a mistress, then it is an open relationship.
When I was willing to engage in non-monogamy stuff, with married people, I did not believe a man who said he was in an open relationship UNLESS I was able to speak with the wife. Most of them were just lying and trying to cheat. I ended up just dating a married couple, both of them at the same time. Seemed better.
But having done both, I must say I think I prefer monogamy, or at least a "monogamish" situation, since polyamory is time consuming and emotionally complicated, a bit much for me.
Still. No idea at all what this has to do with sex in a relationship. Seems more about sex outside of one, no?
The longer in the tooth a thread gets the more it broadens out...you've discussed the central question so it gets opened up to side-topics...not unusual.
IMO figure it out together...or go separate ways. Who wants a marriage that is nothing more than an *arrangement*?
I agree if it's only a relationship...but I've known couples who make a great team in every other way. Like they are great friends, great housemates, great business partners, and often great parents, but the sex and romance bit is lacking.
If people could be more honest, they might be able to discreetly (or not, whatever) have an open marriage where they could meet needs that they have without the lying and sneaking that most people would engage in. Could be a solution that is minimally disruptive to the other aspects of their shared lives, especially if there are children involved.
A lack of sex, doesn't have to mean that people are hostile and nasty to each other. Often there is still love there. It could just be that the sexual needs don't line up well.
I would assume it's not the marriage that is the "arrangement" in that situation, it's the open aspect which is an "arrangement" they agree to pursue.
I don't think this solution would ever be ok for most people. I think that for most of us, our egos, our self-esteem, our sense of security, would be way too compromised by such a thing. It would cause too much pain and emotional turmoil. Unfortunately I think knowing that, is why a lot of people just cheat instead, and I don't think that's right. I don't think that cheating is ever better.
I'm just acknowledging that there are other reasons, often more compelling ones, to base a marriage on (in time, if not up front) than the romantic bond between the people. Usually duty to the family/children being the biggest.
Why would the wife deny sex for 20 yrs? Men make that stuff up so they can have affairs....
Good relationships are not *arrangements*.
Well , it’s not been 20 but in my case 14 years to the day. We had another “ meeting” , just about every year.. no change. I accused her of having an affair , she always says NO and I say the same too...drives me crazy ,
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,570,402 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I agree if it's only a relationship...but I've known couples who make a great team in every other way. Like they are great friends, great housemates, great business partners, and often great parents, but the sex and romance bit is lacking.
If people could be more honest, they might be able to discreetly (or not, whatever) have an open marriage where they could meet needs that they have without the lying and sneaking that most people would engage in. Could be a solution that is minimally disruptive to the other aspects of their shared lives, especially if there are children involved.
A lack of sex, doesn't have to mean that people are hostile and nasty to each other. Often there is still love there. It could just be that the sexual needs don't line up well.
I would assume it's not the marriage that is the "arrangement" in that situation, it's the open aspect which is an "arrangement" they agree to pursue.
I don't think this solution would ever be ok for most people. I think that for most of us, our egos, our self-esteem, our sense of security, would be way too compromised by such a thing. It would cause too much pain and emotional turmoil. Unfortunately I think knowing that, is why a lot of people just cheat instead, and I don't think that's right. I don't think that cheating is ever better.
I'm just acknowledging that there are other reasons, often more compelling ones, to base a marriage on (in time, if not up front) than the romantic bond between the people. Usually duty to the family/children being the biggest.
If their sexual needs aren't lining up now, tho....did they ever? If they did in the past & they are not now, it's important to find out why. The relationship may just need a shot of life or excitement. Or maybe there are health problems. But there has to be a reason they aren't lining up. If they never lined up, then I don't know why they got married in the 1st place. Relationships are about compatibility & sex is part of it. Some put importance on it & some don't.....but like with anything else, you find someone who matches with you on basic life values or expectations. Sex isn't more important than "duty" to family.....but if you are seeking sex outside of the marriage with other partners that isn't fulfilling a special commitment to each other either & it makes it less valuable to some people. It's not the *sex*...it's what it represents. If you give it to someone else as part of an *arrangement*....it completely changes the marriage. You might as well not be in the marriage because you can raise children together & have a friendship outside of one.
Well , it’s not been 20 but in my case 14 years to the day. We had another “ meeting” , just about every year.. no change. I accused her of having an affair , she always says NO and I say the same too...drives me crazy ,
So, once a year you accuse her of cheating on you, and then you're surprised that that doesn't make her horny?
Why would the wife deny sex for 20 yrs? Men make that stuff up so they can have affairs....
Good relationships are not *arrangements*.
We have been married 40 plus years. Sex was great before and after marriage fo all the years, until 14 years ago. I know , I should have divorced her back then . ( Guess I thought would change , so I hung on......
So, once a year you accuse her of cheating on you, and then you're surprised that that doesn't make her horny?
Not sure what you mean ? She just says “ no sex “ I tried to get her to go for councling, she lasted one day. She feels such talk with strangers is against her thinking. Of late I have been thinking having an affair might help ( for her ). I do not know how to find a guy that would be willing to do this for me.....I sure do not want to pay anyone...I might not work ?
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,570,402 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by darstar
We have been married 40 plus years. Sex was great before and after marriage fo all the years, until 14 years ago. I know , I should have divorced her back then . ( Guess I thought would change , so I hung on......
So sex was good for 26 yrs...not 40. I met many guys before I got into a relationship that told their *sad stories* of a wife who would not have sex with them. If you are married, you are married. So if sex isn't important to you & you decide to stay married, then don't look for it anywhere else. If you have to find it somewhere else, then you are saying it *is* so important to you that you are willing to cheat, so find out what is wrong with the marriage or get out of it so you can find your sex somewhere else......
If their sexual needs aren't lining up now, tho....did they ever? If they did in the past & they are not now, it's important to find out why. The relationship may just need a shot of life or excitement. Or maybe there are health problems. But there has to be a reason they aren't lining up. If they never lined up, then I don't know why they got married in the 1st place. Relationships are about compatibility & sex is part of it. Some put importance on it & some don't.....but like with anything else, you find someone who matches with you on basic life values or expectations. Sex isn't more important than "duty" to family.....but if you are seeking sex outside of the marriage with other partners that isn't fulfilling a special commitment to each other either & it makes it less valuable to some people. It's not the *sex*...it's what it represents. If you give it to someone else as part of an *arrangement*....it completely changes the marriage. You might as well not be in the marriage because you can raise children together & have a friendship outside of one.
Sex means different things to different people. So does marriage.
MOST - by far, most - people completely agree with you.
But vows of sexual fidelity will not be part of the vows that my partner and I speak. Both of us require honesty, and respect to one another's feelings. Both of us have enjoyed some not-quite-intercourse activities with others (in addition to the other relationships I was in when we met, before I broke up with them and agreed to exclusivity with him.) We explore other experiences with other partners now and again. Yet it isn't because we don't please one another. We both enjoy one another a LOT. We have very frequent sex.
And yet we do want to get married, and we don't expect to change what we're doing. We might even go further with other partners at some point later. We only commit to discuss it together before something happens, and to be loving and considerate of one another's needs and feelings.
Many people would wonder why, if we enjoy sex together so much, we would want to enjoy other people. I guess we're just having a lovely time at the feast that is laid before us...each of us happy that the other is able to have various experiences. Many would ask why we would get married if we don't intend to be 100% sexually fidelitious. We also don't intend to have any children together. So why get married, then? Because it will make our families (especially his) very happy, it will make US very happy, we want to celebrate the love we have for one another, and it makes it easy to deal with business matters like insurance and estate planning.
For us, marriage does not mean what you think it means. But that is fine, I think, as it is OUR marriage to be concerned with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by darstar
Not sure what you mean ? She just says “ no sex “ I tried to get her to go for councling, she lasted one day. She feels such talk with strangers is against her thinking. Of late I have been thinking having an affair might help ( for her ). I do not know how to find a guy that would be willing to do this for me.....I sure do not want to pay anyone...I might not work ?
What? I can't wrap my head around what you even mean here. If you open your relationship, you do not find a guy to have sex with your wife for you. What about her consent? Only she could find someone for herself, and only if she wanted to. You simply talk and decide if you can both agree to be non-monogamous, or not. You do not find (or PAY??) someone to have an affair with her.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,570,402 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Sex means different things to different people. So does marriage.
MOST - by far, most - people completely agree with you.
But vows of sexual fidelity will not be part of the vows that my partner and I speak. Both of us require honesty, and respect to one another's feelings. Both of us have enjoyed some not-quite-intercourse activities with others (in addition to the other relationships I was in when we met, before I broke up with them and agreed to exclusivity with him.) We explore other experiences with other partners now and again. Yet it isn't because we don't please one another. We both enjoy one another a LOT. We have very frequent sex.
And yet we do want to get married, and we don't expect to change what we're doing. We might even go further with other partners at some point later. We only commit to discuss it together before something happens, and to be loving and considerate of one another's needs and feelings.
Many people would wonder why, if we enjoy sex together so much, we would want to enjoy other people. I guess we're just having a lovely time at the feast that is laid before us...each of us happy that the other is able to have various experiences. Many would ask why we would get married if we don't intend to be 100% sexually fidelitious. We also don't intend to have any children together. So why get married, then? Because it will make our families (especially his) very happy, it will make US very happy, we want to celebrate the love we have for one another, and it makes it easy to deal with business matters like insurance and estate planning.
For us, marriage does not mean what you think it means. But that is fine, I think, as it is OUR marriage to be concerned with.
I'm confused...are you married or not? One place you said you do not want to get married...but last place you said it is "OUR marriage". Ita with you that different relationships are different...about sex & everything else, too. I don't think of marriage as an *arrangement* ...I want a wild, sex filled, loving, respectful, committed relationship before I would even *think* about marriage. I'm divorced & already made one mistake. I dunno if there can be a fully committed or respectful relationship ...at least with *most* people who go outside of the marriage. I'm sure you have run into the men who give the sad story...about the wife ignores him, the wife won't have sex, the wife is depressed so she isn't interested in sex....& then he uses that line to get himself some...whether it's true or not. That's what I think is "tired".....but if two people agree, it's their business. I couldn't do it, tho. I want to be sexually desired by my man....it's part of a healthy relationship even if it's not the most important thing.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
