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To describe this situation, I need to explain something about myself.
I am an extremely independent person. Gay guy here as well. As much as I love socializing and being around people, I am not dependent on anyone to make me happy. Every other month I am traveling to a new place, be it within the country or another country. I am always exploring new places, restaurants, neighborhoods, galleries, etc in my city. I have a very global perspective on things. I love foreign movies, I cook foreign cuisines, and always love learning new languages. To sum it up I am the adventurous and independent type. With that being said, I am ready to be in a relationship, but I am NOT looking for one. What I mean by that is when I meet the right guy that compliments how I am and my life, I am more than ready to compromise some of my independence and work on committing. In the meantime I am perfectly fine being single (and very happy too).
I met this guy recently. We have gone on three dates. I have to say, personality wise, chemistry, looks, I really like him. I really enjoy my time with him, and it's RARE I meet a guy that holds my interest like that. The only thing is after a few dates, I am seeing that he is one that kind of lives in a bubble. He is someone that has rarely ventured out of his neighborhood, and in the 5 years he has lived in the city he has not explored much. There are 52 neighborhoods in my city, and he has only become familiar with 3. He's someone who is very routine from what I can see in his day to day life. Doesn't travel much, and when he told me he didn't know what tapas were after I suggested going to a tapas place on a date I was like WTF? In all honesty, seems a little boring.
There lies my dilemma though too. Because I am so adventurous and doing something new and meeting new people all the time, I actually find most guys pretty boring. In reverse, that is why so many guys tend to be interested in me. They learn the kind of life I live and how independent and exploratory I am. So I am trying to manage my expectations. Like I said everything else about this guy is great except that big caveat.
Part of me is saying I should try to take him on my more adventurous routines and see how he he does. If it's something he likes and wants more of. Sometimes I think people who live those routine lives, maybe just need to meet someone to break themselves out of it. Or do you all think we are probably just not a match? Perhaps we could balance each other out? Also I try to understand that he grew up in the middle of nowhere so his life experiences are different from mine (I grew up in the heart of one of the largest cities in the US).
I also know that I have to compromise, it's not all about how I am and what I want. But I that independent and adventurous spirit thrives in me. I am just curious to hear about others who have been in similar experiences. Is this more about patience and seeing how he integrates? Or is this a mismatch?
Did he want to try tapas having learned what it was? There would be the boring for me. If he had not tried before would be less important to what he wants now.
I met this guy recently. We have gone on three dates. I have to say, personality wise, chemistry, looks, I really like him. I really enjoy my time with him, and it's RARE I meet a guy that holds my interest like that.
I think it's very interesting that you seem to "really like him" even though he is so different than you. Of course you cite pretty shallow reasons for liking him - looks, chemistry, "personality".
Kinda like Cheryl Crow - somewhat of a conundrum -
"If it (he) makes you happy
It (he) can't be that bad
If it (he) makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?"
So is he REALLY that different from you? Or are you only looking at him from a very shallow perspective when you say you really enjoy your time with him?
Yes - take him on something you consider to be a "typically" adventurous date and see what he thinks. Keep in mind, there's not a time limit in which you have to definitively decide you want to date him longer term - as long as you're still learning about him and aren't put off, then keep going out.
Does he want to explore, if he has someone like you to kind of show him the ropes? Is he an introvert, it might take a lot out of him to do too much too fast. If you really like him it might be worth finding out what makes him tick and if you can compromise a little it can pay off. It could be a mismatch but sounds like worth giving it a shot to find out. Don't razz him for not knowing things like tapas, you already know he doesn't get out much so be patient.
Did he want to try tapas having learned what it was? There would be the boring for me. If he had not tried before would be less important to what he wants now.
Yeah, he asked me what they were, and I told him, so he tried them. He liked them. So that's what is holding some interest for me is there is some potential. But I am curious as to how much.
One other example. I like to drink, various drinks that is. Margaritas, wine, pina coldas, dirty martinis, etc. To me that is a pleasure in life to try all sorts of drinks. With friends and family love going out and trying all sorts of drinks. I found out he only drinks one kind of drink, and will not drink anything else. And it's only one specific kind of wine. So when we went to get mexican, I was craving margaritas, but he was like nope he only drinks one kind of drink. Which was a turn off. I also love going to breweries and distilleries, but now I can see it might be pointless to go with him. Part of going to those things is enjoying the drinks themselves.
But then we stopped at a Portuguese bakery, I wanted to and I told him he had to try a specialty baked good that they make there. He never had heard of it, so i told him I would buy him one, and he could try it. He did and he liked it. He later asked me again what was the name of it.
Earlier today though, I was setting up our fourth date. To test things out more in regards to potential, I told him why don't we go check out a neighborhood that is super eclectic, artsy and trendy. When I told him the name of the neighborhood, he had never heard of it. I was like WTF? He's been living here for 5 years and this neighborhood is one of the most well known neighborhoods in the city. I was shocked.
So I am trying to figure it out. If he is willing to try and do more that's great, but at the same time seeing how he has lived in a bubble is concerning too, because I am the complete opposite of that. Perhaps he's is just trying now and when things slow down, he will stop trying these new things? Or perhaps he's just always needed someone to give him that push?
I don't know, I think I am confused and trying to understand if I am being unrealistic and too picky. I know no one is perfect.
Yeah, he asked me what they were, and I told him, so he tried them. He liked them. So that's what is holding some interest for me is there is some potential. But I am curious as to how much.
One other example. I like to drink, various drinks that is. Margaritas, wine, pina coldas, dirty martinis, etc. To me that is a pleasure in life to try all sorts of drinks. With friends and family love going out and trying all sorts of drinks. I found out he only drinks one kind of drink, and will not drink anything else. And it's only one specific kind of wine. So when we went to get mexican, I was craving margaritas, but he was like nope he only drinks one kind of drink. Which was a turn off. I also love going to breweries and distilleries, but now I can see it might be pointless to go with him. Part of going to those things is enjoying the drinks themselves.
Shrug. Only you know whether the fact that you both can drink different drinks is ok with you.
Quote:
But then we stopped at a Portuguese bakery, I wanted to and I told him he had to try a specialty baked good that they make there. He never had heard of it, so i told him I would buy him one, and he could try it. He did and he liked it. He later asked me again what was the name of it.
Earlier today though, I was setting up our fourth date. To test things out more in regards to potential, I told him why don't we go check out a neighborhood that is super eclectic, artsy and trendy. When I told him the name of the neighborhood, he had never heard of it. I was like WTF? He's been living here for 5 years and this neighborhood is one of the most well known neighborhoods in the city. I was shocked.
So I am trying to figure it out. If he is willing to try and do more that's great, but at the same time seeing how he has lived in a bubble is concerning too, because I am the complete opposite of that. Perhaps he's is just trying now and when things slow down, he will stop trying these new things? Or perhaps he's just always needed someone to give him that push?
I don't know, I think I am confused and trying to understand if I am being unrealistic and too picky. I know no one is perfect.
Perfect? That he has preferences or experiences that differ from yours? You don't sound picky, frankly. You sound a bit like a snob.
I think it's very interesting that you seem to "really like him" even though he is so different than you. Of course you cite pretty shallow reasons for liking him - looks, chemistry, "personality".
Kinda like Cheryl Crow - somewhat of a conundrum -
"If it (he) makes you happy
It (he) can't be that bad
If it (he) makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?"
So is he REALLY that different from you? Or are you only looking at him from a very shallow perspective when you say you really enjoy your time with him?
Yes - take him on something you consider to be a "typically" adventurous date and see what he thinks. Keep in mind, there's not a time limit in which you have to definitively decide you want to date him longer term - as long as you're still learning about him and aren't put off, then keep going out.
Okay so there is an issue that I should mention. Part of my challenge is I can be very suave, charming and playful. I pretty much have chemistry with everyone because I successfully can create that playful environment and connection. So in the past people who were not compatible at all with me, in the beginning there was a lot of chemistry as I would induce it. But then after a few weeks I would realize how little we had in common and how boring I would find them. The problem is I would have already kissed them and or had sex with them which would complicate matters.
While I still get super adventurous and still build that charming connection, I from now on withhold kissing or sex until I get to know the person better. With this guy I have done that. Three dates and nothing as I want to get to know him for him.
In all honesty we don't have too much in common. Aside from being gay, and sharing similar morals and some values, it feels like his day to day, is completely different from mine.
Shrug. Only you know whether the fact that you both can drink different drinks is ok with you.
Perfect? That he has preferences or experiences that differ from yours? You don't sound picky, frankly. You sound a bit like a snob.
Sorry I think that reads wrong. I didn't mean it against him. I meant it more against myself like "I need to stop being so picky and looking for someone that checks all the boxes because no one ever will".
I think my point is how many boxed need to be checked (figuratively speaking).
Does he want to explore, if he has someone like you to kind of show him the ropes? Is he an introvert, it might take a lot out of him to do too much too fast. If you really like him it might be worth finding out what makes him tick and if you can compromise a little it can pay off. It could be a mismatch but sounds like worth giving it a shot to find out. Don't razz him for not knowing things like tapas, you already know he doesn't get out much so be patient.
Yes he's an introvert. The thing is I do like him. I have fun with him, and he's a good person. So that is what I am doing. I am being super patient in understanding not everyone grew up the same way or has the same interests. So in a way I am trying to see how interested he is on doing things like I mentioned.
You don't sound picky, frankly. You sound a bit like a snob.
Yeah, stop being shocked that he doesn't know things, OP. People are different, and their life experiences can be different from yours without being "lesser than." You either like who he is or you don't.
IDK about picky, but you are being premature in trying to make a decision about whether you two are a match. This is the kind of thing that you will need lots of time and interaction to decide if you can live with it or not.
Knowing what a hard time you have had finding a healthy relationship, I think you should calm down and get to know him better. It sounds like the fundamental traits that make him a good person are checked off.
Having said that, be wary of falling for "potential." If you do stay together, you won't always find yourself in the role of fairy godfather, introducing your wide-eyed boyfriend to life's new pleasures. At some point he may tire of you pushing him to subscribe to your fun, adventurous lifestyle and he may want you to stay in and watch a TV show with him. Can you live with that?
Stop looking so far ahead and just spend time with him. Consider that he may have things to teach you as well.
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