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Old 01-01-2019, 10:53 AM
 
151 posts, read 90,383 times
Reputation: 62

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I have a serious thing for a man at work, who I talk to on a semi-regular basis, do stuff at work with. I think about him constantly and I'm afraid to date other men because, knowing myself, I'll compare them to him and they'll come up on the losing end. He is, out of all men I've known in recent years, the most overall attractive.

Anyway, asked an unrelated question the other day and found out he has a girlfriend. I was very surprised (and hurt) as he'd never mentioned her once in the months we've known each other.

I know, I know. Seems obvious that a guy in a relationship should be passed by but I like him enough to wonder: should I stick around as a friend and wait for them to break-up? Or am I wasting my time?

He is very friendly and we have similar hobbies that we're supposed to get together to do in a couple months (its seasonal). He only once made a casual remark to hang out before then, and I couldn't. I'm sure he would agree if I asked to hang out but I'm not comfortable with that now.

Other details: We're both in our 20s (me being a few years older), different backgrounds, and work for a mid-sized tech firm in a suburb of a major city
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Old 01-01-2019, 11:23 AM
 
3,589 posts, read 1,564,481 times
Reputation: 5031
Up to you.



Interesting you use the word "hurt" when you found out he had a girlfriend. Disappointed ok, don't see why be hurt.
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Old 01-01-2019, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4,087 posts, read 2,540,907 times
Reputation: 12489
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2toknow View Post
I have a serious thing for a man at work, who I talk to on a semi-regular basis, do stuff at work with. I think about him constantly and I'm afraid to date other men because, knowing myself, I'll compare them to him and they'll come up on the losing end. He is, out of all men I've known in recent years, the most overall attractive.

Anyway, asked an unrelated question the other day and found out he has a girlfriend. I was very surprised (and hurt) as he'd never mentioned her once in the months we've known each other.

I know, I know. Seems obvious that a guy in a relationship should be passed by but I like him enough to wonder: should I stick around as a friend and wait for them to break-up? Or am I wasting my time?

He is very friendly and we have similar hobbies that we're supposed to get together to do in a couple months (its seasonal). He only once made a casual remark to hang out before then, and I couldn't. I'm sure he would agree if I asked to hang out but I'm not comfortable with that now.

Other details: We're both in our 20s (me being a few years older), different backgrounds, and work for a mid-sized tech firm in a suburb of a major city
How would you feel if he and his girlfriend break up and he moves on to another woman who is *not* you?

Some people prefer to keep their private life separate from their work and/or social media lives, so it's unsurprising that he didn't mention that he has a girlfriend to you. However close as coworkers you may be and how friendly he is to you, his private life is still his own to share (or not) as he sees fit.

It seems as though your crush is beginning to become an unhealthy preoccupation if it's keeping you from wanting to date available men (with whom you do not work, I might add). At the risk of asking an intrusive question, might I ask you if you had an active dating and social life before beginning to work with this man several months ago?

P.S. Being an "orbiter" (hanging around a crush under the guise of being "just friends" until they notice you as a love interest) is not the healthiest of behavior.
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Old 01-01-2019, 11:33 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Just keep doing what you are doing with one change ... stop letting your infatuation with him blind you to other guys.

Chances are he won’t reciprocate your interest anyway, and then you’ll just have an awkward situation at work.

Just be smart and let your head lead the way instead of your heart.
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Old 01-01-2019, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Canada
11,771 posts, read 11,986,606 times
Reputation: 30284
Reasons not to:

Little good comes from trying to get together with a coworker. Your company may have a policy against it. You don't go to work to socialize with a crush as it could affect your productivity at work, your coworkers may notice and you could find yourself out of a job.

You're emotionally invested in someone you aren't dating. All the time you spend thinking about him is time wasted in meeting available men.

You have hurt feelings because he has a GF. Imagine being the GF whose BF has a coworker who is hung up in him and hoping you break up.

He's in a relationship and even if he wasn't, it doesn't mean he'd want to be in one with you.

Who he is at work with you is not reality of everyday life. You don't have to contend with his morning breath, dirty socks on the floor, all the regular parts of a relationship that you don't see at the office. He seems interesting because he's 'new' to you.

People might say to listen to your head or heart, but I say listen to your gut because you already know the answer, you just don't want to accept it.
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Old 01-01-2019, 11:45 AM
 
151 posts, read 90,383 times
Reputation: 62
Disappointed might have been a better word. Really disappointed.

My dating life before: Was in a relationship for five years, ended it. Had two short term relationships in the year and a half since. A few dates shortly before starting work with the company.

BirdieBelle and Liberty: thank you. I figured that's what I'll likely be facing. I'll try to be open to other men but it will be tough.
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Old 01-01-2019, 11:56 AM
 
Location: So Cal
52,007 posts, read 52,457,444 times
Reputation: 52520
Bad timing.

Stay open to seeing other guys.

Lusting after a taken person and hoping that they break up isn't exactly taking the high road in life. You might want to give a think as to whether or not if your moral compass might need to be tweaked a bit.
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Old 01-01-2019, 12:58 PM
 
151 posts, read 90,383 times
Reputation: 62
Just to clarify a few things: it's not against policy to date co-workers. A few people have met at the company and are now engaged or married. We work in different departments.

I don't know how much he likes to keep his private life private. When we have lunches together he tells me a lot about his private life: family, where he goes, his opinions, etc. He just never mentioned a girlfriend.

To provide more context into the situation.

I'm not saying I'm going to make any advances toward him. I haven't and I won't. I don't know that I've done anything wrong so I'm strictly looking for a cost-benefit analysis of remaining friends. My first instinct was to ignore him from then on but that could be an opportunity lost.
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Old 01-01-2019, 01:02 PM
 
1,279 posts, read 846,320 times
Reputation: 2054
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2toknow View Post
Anyway, asked an unrelated question the other day and found out he has a girlfriend. I was very surprised (and hurt) as he'd never mentioned her once in the months we've known each other.
Stop right there.

Clearly, you're thinking of him in a romantic way.

He's not thinking of you in a romantic way. There's no dating relationship to be had here.

If you wanted to know his dating status before, you should have asked earlier.
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Old 01-01-2019, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2toknow View Post

I'm strictly looking for a cost-benefit analysis of remaining friends. My first instinct was to ignore him from then on but then that could be an opportunity lost.
The thing is ... if you're pining for him, hoping and looking for an "opportunity," then you're really not being a friend.

You're withholding a huge truth from him, and that's really not how friends operate. Instead, you're like an orbiter.

It would be best if you could scale back the emotional dependency and temper your feelings a bit. There are other options besides "ignore."
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