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My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years now. My longest relationship I have been in, so it's all stepping stones. To be real honest, from past relationship experience I find that we are not 100% compatible but we hit it off well enough to be considered good for each other.
Briefly, in the past her mother died at the beginning of our relationship. She moved around quite a bit so she never actually had her own room for 2-3 years. Due to the fact that her house was sold. It wasn't a choice to share a room with her sibling. Moving forward to the present, she finally got her own living space downstairs in her aunt's house after her grandmother moved out and into a nursing home. Prior to this, she always used to stick around a lot at my house on the weekends, just like I coincidentally do now at her place to get away from my parents a little bit. It's just the same reason... Need your own space with your significant other. I felt bad for her during that time span but that's a rough patch in life.
Ever since, she has never came around a lot at my house now that she has her own place... unless I actually needed to grab something (I'm often driving her). However I get this vibe that she doesn't care much to do so. I find a lack of consideration when I need my free time over the weekend. It's silly from a perspective, because I don't actually see her at all during the week. Weekends normally give you that free time to work on a project or get a few things done. The work week interrupts this. Yes, I know I tend to be a homebody. I like my room, and especially sleeping in it. My girlfriend got a cat a few months ago, and it's really just tough to sleep at her place. The cat is usually up all night, and her relatives upstairs just make a racket. It leaves me uninterested to be there unless it's just for a few hour hang out. I'm feeling pushed/ obligated to be there because she just wants attention and tends to be a little needy.
We both tend to easily get bored being at each other's homes now. It's kinda funny in a way but hey... it's your personal comfort space with your amenities. I somewhat find myself self centered in this situation. I want to spend time with her, but if we aren't doing anything at her place, I'd rather be home doing something productive. If I bring this up, it will certainly become an argument or a big misunderstanding. Am I wrong to feel this way? She is one to overthink a small hiccup.
For the first couple of years we dated, my husband and I just naturally fell into a pattern of alternating weekends at each other's homes. I really would suggest that to her, that you each need weekends at your own place. Working M-F and being 'away' at her place every single weekend is simply not practical, realistic, healthy or fair.
For the first couple of years we dated, my husband and I just naturally fell into a pattern of alternating weekends at each other's homes. I really would suggest that to her, that you each need weekends at your own place. Working M-F and being 'away' at her place every single weekend is simply not practical, realistic, healthy or fair.
I do like this idea, but I sense a misunderstanding and she will give me the strange stink eye like I'm crazy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
It sounds like this is the underlying issue:
Do you feel like you're in a default relationship? Like it's better than being alone? It doesn't really read like love.
Are you saying that you don't see her at all during the work week?
I don't see her Monday - Thursday. I do miss that free time I had over the weekend to do whatever I wanted. It was nice actually. This was when she used to work Saturdays.
I do not feel like I'm in a default relationship. Being in one is definitely more comfortable than being alone, but I can't say I dislike where I currently stand.
I remember a past relationship I was in. It was only about 6 months I spent with this girl. We kicked it off really well. Coincidentally she was one of two strong matches to my zodiac sign. That's another story of why it ended. So when I say "well enough", it's somewhat exaggerated. I strongly care about this girl and it would be a very heart wrenching experience to lose her. Forbid we broke apart, connecting once in a while would be everything. When you make memories with someone for so long, it's truly toughest to forget and move on.
I don't see her Monday - Thursday. I do miss that free time I had over the weekend to do whatever I wanted. It was nice actually. This was when she used to work Saturdays.
So ... you only want a girlfriend on Sundays?
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Originally Posted by 1000Calories
I do not feel like I'm in a default relationship. Being in one is definitely more comfortable than being alone, but I can't say I dislike where I currently stand.
That pretty much sounds like the definition of default.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1000Calories
When you make memories with someone for so long, it's truly toughest to forget and move on.
That's part of life, though.
You really need to do some thinking about your rationale and motives and decide if you need to stay with her or cut her loose to find someone who wants the same lifestyle she wants.
Right now it reads like you are afraid to express your true desires to her, i.e. the "stink eye" comment, and that you are hanging on to this arrangement to avoid pain and loneliness.
I certainly understand that motivation, but it's not fair to just use someone else as your lifeboat.
Another problem is that neither of you have your own place but are living with relatives (aunt and parents). If you've been "together" for five years and have had previous relationships I estimate that you're at least in your mid-20s. That's old enough to be on your own.
That pretty much sounds like the definition of default.
That's part of life, though.
You really need to do some thinking about your rationale and motives and decide if you need to stay with her or cut her loose to find someone who wants the same lifestyle she wants.
Right now it reads like you are afraid to express your true desires to her, i.e. the "stink eye" comment, and that you are hanging on to this arrangement to avoid pain and loneliness.
I certainly understand that motivation, but it's not fair to just use someone else as your lifeboat.
I don't consider her a lifeboat at all. I enjoy our relationship, this is the only rough patch I see from my eyes. Our preference on lifestyle is equal. There are times when we prefer to be in different places. Like tug of war. It has always been a thought out discussion on how to split the day up so we are both happy. This is where I feel self centered in the relationship. I don't openly say where I prefer to be, but I have my moods where I in example, prefer to be with my friends rather then with her family. With a daily schedule/routine during the week like everyone else, it's tough to fit it all in. She only has 2-3 friends she barely sees, so she really just looks forward to me at the end of the week. I'm not complaining about it at all. I cherish it. Read my response below. It corresponds to this whole thing as to why it's a little tough for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person
Another problem is that neither of you have your own place but are living with relatives (aunt and parents). If you've been "together" for five years and have had previous relationships I estimate that you're at least in your mid-20s. That's old enough to be on your own.
This is exactly it. Which is why this situation came about. We don't have our own private place, therefore I find it to be an obligation to sleep with her at her place every weekend. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood. I can be in a homebody mood. I can't get to the next step of moving out because of career trouble and can't afford it. Neither of us could. So it's just a standstill.
I don't consider her a lifeboat at all. I enjoy our relationship, this is the only rough patch I see from my eyes. Our preference on lifestyle is equal. There are times when we prefer to be in different places. Like tug of war. It has always been a thought out discussion on how to split the day up so we are both happy. This is where I feel self centered in the relationship. I don't openly say where I prefer to be, but I have my moods where I in example, prefer to be with my friends rather then with her family. With a daily schedule/routine during the week like everyone else, it's tough to fit it all in. She only has 2-3 friends she barely sees, so she really just looks forward to me at the end of the week. I'm not complaining about it at all. I cherish it. Read my response below. It corresponds to this whole thing as to why it's a little tough for me.
This is exactly it. Which is why this situation came about. We don't have our own private place, therefore I find it to be an obligation to sleep with her at her place every weekend. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood. I can be in a homebody mood. I can't get to the next step of moving out because of career trouble and can't afford it. Neither of us could. So it's just a standstill.
This all makes sense. It really does.
Do you think you could say this ^^^ to her?
You're allowed to have wants and needs of your own. She loves you, so hopefully she will understand that and not see it as a reflection of your feelings for her.
You can tell her that you know things aren't ideal and you want to spend as much time with her as you can but you have other things you need to do also. Hopefully you can figure out something you both can live with.
So you need to be more creative and you and she both need to be open to compromise.
If you want to get part of your weekends back, why not spend a couple evenings together during the week? How did you decide to only do weekends? - because you can change to something else! You've gotten into a rut and you no longer like it - so change it!
Seriously, you both need to think about what will be workable - one or two nights a week and one day on the weekend? Alternating the night and weekend between your two places? Maybe you just need to get out of the house for at least one of those "dates" so you're not so bored or feeling out of place at the other's home? And how about closing the door of her bedroom at night so the cat at least doesn't wake you up?!
Like I said, get a little creative - your relationship is WHAT YOU MAKE IT. It doesn't have to be the same as what other people do.
She does love me, hopefully she will understand what I am getting at. I don't want her to take it the wrong way, like it's her fault.
The on/off week day thing wasn't in favor for her. We have somewhat off beat schedules. I work during the afternoon/evening and she works most of the day until either late afternoon or late evening. Realistically, we both go to bed around 10:30.. So yeah we could easily fit in a quick dinner date but it gets pricey. We discussed this before. There isn't enough free time to just hang out, so we figure what's the point? Weekends we both have off, therefore I can't get much done other than go shopping for whatever we need. When she worked Saturdays (most of the day), I had that freedom. It's not that I didn't want to be with her, but I think it's less hassle when you're by yourself.
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