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Old 01-10-2019, 05:03 AM
 
9 posts, read 5,972 times
Reputation: 29

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Hi everyone,


So I(30) met this guy(31) almost two months ago. We hit it off, and within three month, we went on four dates. No sex yet, just kissing. We've spent quite a lot of time together already, those dates were usually 4-6h long. He seemed genuinely interested in me, and really into me. I liked him too from the beginning, but I'm a cautious person. I've been through one long, terrible relationship (emotional abuse and cheating) and I've met my fair share of douchebags. I have to admit that I didn't make my intentions very clear from the beginning. I rescheduled dates several times and even ditched him on our last date (I had a good reason though). Since we just started seeing each other and didn't even have sex yet I found it normal that we didn't talk about anything serious yet.

After those couple of weeks of seeing each other, I left to my home town for Christmas, and when I came back here he was still in his hometown, so we didn't see each other for a whole month, but we kept in touch by sending each other messages every few days. Well he got back on Monday and we talked and decided to meet Wednesday. So last night we met, and I knew I was finally ready to sleep with him. We went for dinner, a few drinks and back to his place. We started kissing on the couch. Then he suddenly stopped and said 'I need to tell you something'. So basically he told me that while we were both gone, he met someone else. A girl in his hometown who is living where we live (big city) as well. I asked him if it's serious and he said no, he just started seeing her, but that he wanted to be honest with me because he really likes me. He also said that him and I never talked about anything serious and that he kinda thought I wasn't that interested in him anyways, since I rescheduled dates several times and ditched him one time. I told him I haven't been seeing anyone else and that I am interested i him because otherwise I wouldn't have kept seeing him. He said he feels like an idiot and that he should have asked me about my intentions instead of just assuming them. He told me again that he really likes me, and I assured him he didn't do anything wrong since we never decided to be exclusive or anything. Still, it killed my vibe. I finished my glass of wine and told him I'll go home. No bad feelings, but I just wanted to leave. He seemed disappointed, but said he understands.

So ya, I don't know how to feel now. On the one hand it was definitely his right to see other women and I'm not mad about that at all, I kinda even wish he didn't tell me. Honestly I do think he's a good guy and not a guy who is comfortable seeing several people at the same time which is why he felt like telling me I guess. On the other hand, I have to admit I am a bit disappointed that he met someone else while I was gone. I'm not sure that I wanna keep seeing him if he doesn't end things (that are not very serious yet anyways, according to him) with that other girl first. I'm scared of getting hurt. I've been hurt too many times in my life. Or maybe I could see him again, but I don't think I could sleep with him knowing he's still seeing another girl. I already like him and sleeping with him would just make me more attached and vulnerable.

So ever since I left last night, we haven't talked. Even though I left on good terms, I might have given him the feeling he blew it with me, which is why I'm thinking to message him again telling him how I feel. Or not. I don't know. I'm pretty confused now. I'm convinced he really likes me and is into me, which is why I was really surprised when he told me about the other girl.


What would you do? Any advice? Thanks a lot.
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Old 01-10-2019, 05:06 AM
 
Location: Sierra Nevadas (California)
57,962 posts, read 4,290,018 times
Reputation: 18539
You need to talk to him. If you both want to take the relationship further, & agree to be exclusive.
But first you need to talk.
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Old 01-10-2019, 05:35 AM
 
Location: Florida
21,050 posts, read 21,445,292 times
Reputation: 25425
Good for him for being honest.
If you need exclusivity you have no choice but to tell him that. If he doesn't want to do the same, this one is over.
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Old 01-10-2019, 05:58 AM
 
3,129 posts, read 489,976 times
Reputation: 4442
I agree with evening sun. It sounds like he interpreted your initial reluctance (changing dates, ditching the last date) as ambivalence/lack of interest and he understandably moved on. You may have a chance to do a re-set, but you will need to be consistent in being clear about your intentions in the future. I'd just sit down and talk it through with him again. Hopefully he will decide that he wants to stop seeing the other woman.
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Old 01-10-2019, 06:14 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,879 posts, read 47,154,480 times
Reputation: 95786
I agree with the others ^^^, but I would put some space between you first.

Send him a message however you two usually communicate, and let him know that you really like him and you regret the misunderstandings that occurred between you two but that you want to back off a bit and clear your head.

My concern if you talk and go ahead and keep trying to date now, in the shadow of what just went on, that you will make pressure-based decisions that might not be right for you. In other words, you could withhold yourself more out of concern that he IS still seeing her, or you could go faster than you normally might in order to kinda make up for being so flaky before.

So tell him that you really like him and hope that you two can connect in a few weeks but that right now you want a reset. He should understand, and he may continue to date the other girl, but that's what dating is because you two are NOT exclusive. You just need the chance to be sure your decisions are made for the right reasons.

I am curious about why you decided that you were "finally" ready to sleep with him that particular day, after being unsure and then being apart for so long.
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:08 AM
 
9 posts, read 5,972 times
Reputation: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I am curious about why you decided that you were "finally" ready to sleep with him that particular day, after being unsure and then being apart for so long.

Well, for me it's not easy to separate sex and feelings. Like yes, I've had one night stands in college, but when I start seeing someone and like them, sex will probably take the whole thing to the next level for me. It makes me feel more vulnerable, and I get more attached. These days I like waiting a bit til I'm sure that I'm interested and that the guy isn't just trying to get me into bed. When I was in my hometown over Christmas, I thought quite a lot about this guy, and I was excited to get to see him again, so I kinda made the decision that next time I see him, I wanna sleep with him, because it felt right.
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:59 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,879 posts, read 47,154,480 times
Reputation: 95786
Quote:
Originally Posted by recondite View Post
Well, for me it's not easy to separate sex and feelings. Like yes, I've had one night stands in college, but when I start seeing someone and like them, sex will probably take the whole thing to the next level for me. It makes me feel more vulnerable, and I get more attached. These days I like waiting a bit til I'm sure that I'm interested and that the guy isn't just trying to get me into bed. When I was in my hometown over Christmas, I thought quite a lot about this guy, and I was excited to get to see him again, so I kinda made the decision that next time I see him, I wanna sleep with him, because it felt right.
It reads as if you made the decision to sleep with him because you missed him, not based on time spent with him and experience.

That’s the kind of thing I’m warning you against ...making decisions like this to satisfy the wrong feelings. That’s why I think you need a reset.
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Old 01-10-2019, 08:11 AM
 
9 posts, read 5,972 times
Reputation: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
That’s why I think you need a reset.
Ya that's probably true. So maybe I should message him indeed to tell him what I think, because I was so surprised about it yesterday that I'm not sure I was clear about it..
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Old 01-10-2019, 08:19 AM
 
16,928 posts, read 9,384,886 times
Reputation: 30552
You've blown your opportunity. 4 dates in 2 months with several reschedules flaking on the guy once, and just ran out the door at your last face-to-face. You already signaled your lack of interest loud and clear. Texting is "friend zone". You only had 4 dates. Move on. The guy is going to have you on double-secret probation for months after your past behavior and would be a fool not to continue dating the other chica who isn't rescheduling, flaking on him, and is probably rocking his world in bed by now. Next time, communicate better. If you really like someone, are attracted to them, think you're compatible, and want to take steps towards a committed long term relationship, tell them.
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Old 01-10-2019, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
563 posts, read 183,400 times
Reputation: 1727
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
You've blown your opportunity. 4 dates in 2 months with several reschedules flaking on the guy once, and just ran out the door at your last face-to-face. You already signaled your lack of interest loud and clear. Texting is "friend zone". You only had 4 dates. Move on. The guy is going to have you on double-secret probation for months after your past behavior and would be a fool not to continue dating the other chica who isn't rescheduling, flaking on him, and is probably rocking his world in bed by now. Next time, communicate better. If you really like someone, are attracted to them, think you're compatible, and want to take steps towards a committed long term relationship, tell them.

Very valid point of view offered above but according to you he did say after all this that he still really likes you. I think, if you really do think there is potential in this relationship that it's worth reaching out one last time but you are going to have to be very clear from now on and not make him try to figure out what you're thinking. It's up to him if he thinks you're worth the extra effort and, not to be mean, but you are extra effort right now because it's clear to him that he can't accurately read you. I also think you should be ready for him to say that he's maybe not up for it since he's got another potential relationship as well, which is fair since you were not exclusive or clear on your feelings. Because he was honest with you he sounds like a decent guy so if you do really like him then I'd give it a shot. Even if he declines, you are no worse off than if you gave up.
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