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Yeah I know that part of it is that I don't meet a lot of people in general. But even in middle or high school, a lot of girls liked a new guy every week but I was never that person. I wish I could be attracted to people more easily/frequently, but if there were a way to control attraction I think someone would have figured it out by now.
I am the same as you describe and so are all 4 of my children; this is innate and I doubt can be changed, nor should be.
Better to be more discriminating when choosing a partner; those who go gaga over every Tom, Dick and Harry are the ones posting threads about how they are so brokenhearted/were taken advantage of/"ghosted" etc.
I was never attracted to many but when I WAS attracted it was intense, hot and wild.
Both of my kids who are now married chose partners based on general compatibility/traits they admired versus attraction and their lives/households are smooth and easy. Both married at age 30.
My younger two (girls aged 19 and almost 21) never had wild crushes/drama over boys when in HS; the older of these two has been with the same boy since 6th grade, they recently moved in together, and the youngest has had the same (her first) BF for 1.5 years (they both have their own apartments, she is at uni).
Just to say you aren't "alone" in being the way you are
Well if you know you are very picky by default, and not much of your desired quality men are approaching you, maybe you need to embrace more of the approach and risk-taking part of seeking someone out, even if you are the woman.
I'm similar to you in the sense that it's very rare that I am attracted to another person. When I was younger I had a few crushes here and there but nothing ever happened with them. The last MAJOR attraction I had to someone was from age 17 to about 20 years old. I'm now 25 and haven't been interested in anyone since. I got very discouraged and felt like something was really wrong with me because I hadn't had any major romantic attachment like everyone else. But I eventually did some introspection and came to some interesting conclusions.
There were a few guys in my life that were very attracted to me and even confessed to being in love with me, but I didn't feel anything for them. They were very kind to me and probably would have made great boyfriends, but the attraction just wasn't there. I felt guilty, but eventually I accepted that I can't control who I am attracted to. Whenever I would try to "give someone a chance" despite there being no attraction whatsoever, I just ended up hurting their feelings. I learned that dating someone simply because they seem like a good person on paper, is not right for me, and makes no sense.
Since then, I have been to myself. My mindset is "If I meet someone that I like and the circumstances align, I'll go for it. If not, that's fine too." I'm not the type of person who thinks that I need to date for the sake of finding someone. That's putting the cart before the horse, the only time I want to date is AFTER I come across someone I like. Not before. I don't have any expectations nor do I see being social with people as a means to an end. Chemistry, connection, and attraction are things we cannot control. Making connections is a very natural process and trying to force it often leads to discomfort and disappointment.
I think too many people are caught up in the idea of love and dating, and they aren't really focusing on what's really important; The PEOPLE. Most people's relationships formed due to just talking to one another and letting things go from there. Online dating isn't something I'm interested in because it feels forced to me. I just talk to people and if I so happen to feel a spark, I'll go from there.
This. Though I had good experiences with finding great matches on dating sites. The medium worked great for me and what I was looking for.
And how many 'tons' of girls have you have met offline that there was no chemistry or lasting relationships with?
OLD simply gives you more opportunity. It doesn't guarantee anything more than 'real' life does.
If I date a girl from the real world there is usually already chemistry there because I already met her. They have met the minimum chemistry requirement. I've definitely had more chemistry with girls' I've dated from the real world. 1 out of 2 at least I had chemistry with. With online dating is like 1 out of 15 where I feel chemistry with. I have a friend who probably met 30+ girls from dating sites. He just married a girl who he met randomly at a grocery store. His longest relationship before that was with a girl he was set up with. He found nothing substantial from years of online dating.
Very true. There's a book out now I've started reading called, "Bowling Alone" which expresses this very point. People using "distancing technologies" to keep in touch without ever meeting for fellowship or valuing face-time. It's like they almost prefer to just stay home and socialize via the Internet or smart devices.
There's also the paradox of choice or abundance mentality when it comes to online dating. Too many options, once always seems to look better than the other than so on. Where in pre-Internet days, you were limited to who ever you met a a real time venue like a college, vo-tech, or just out and a bout the town on a Sat night. You were also basically limited geographically by your options. When I was younger, people married their high school sweet hearts or whomever was local.
The paradox of choice is a myth. This is what folks say when they're upset or disillusioned about their experiences. And one's dating pool is highly dependent on their location. That means if one is, say, mid-30s in a small-ish college town, they may experience a smaller dating pool of available 30-somethings. A recent college grad that moves to a Midwestern town for work may be met with a small dating pool if most people tend to couple-up straight out of high school or college. After factoring in one's filters and criteria, they may only have 50-100 "options" in their searches, more if they live in a metro city.
Heck, there are more "options" at your average college or university. If lack of success is an issue of too many "options" then any medium/venue that attracts a lot of singles would yield little or no success.
And I wouldn't glorify marrying straight out of high school and/or college. These relationships aren't necessarily proof of long term compatibility. A lot of people make different choices when they have fewer options.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
The paradox of choice is a myth. This is what folks say when they're upset or disillusioned about their experiences. .
YES!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
If I date a girl from the real world there is usually already chemistry there because I already met her. They have met the minimum chemistry requirement. I've definitely had more chemistry with girls' I've dated from the real world. 1 out of 2 at least I had chemistry with. With online dating is like 1 out of 15 where I feel chemistry with. I have a friend who probably met 30+ girls from dating sites. He just married a girl who he met randomly at a grocery store. His longest relationship before that was with a girl he was set up with. He found nothing substantial from years of online dating.
I'm more likely to have chemistry with someone I met IRL that I have a date with, sure, because that was established before the date was even asked for. But if the chemistry is there, it is there, and I am (and most everyone I know is) more likely to find someone with OLD because you can meet so very many more single people looking to date there. Sure, an absurdly high percentage of the IRL dates have chemistry, but there are just too few of those, a smaller percentage of OLD have chemistry, but they are a much much larger pool.
Incidentally, two of the people in my life know are from IRL meets, were introduced to me or from social situations I found myself in by someone I met with OLD. OLD let to the social interactions... its great for that too.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 5 days ago)
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If you're 26 and you've only met 4 or 5 men in your entire life you're attracted to, OLD is NOT for you! You're seeking a one in a thousand guy, and you're meeting them one at a time. You'll go your whole life trying to get to that thousandth guy at that rate.
So. Are any of those 5 guys you find attractive available?
If I date a girl from the real world there is usually already chemistry there because I already met her. They have met the minimum chemistry requirement. I've definitely had more chemistry with girls' I've dated from the real world. 1 out of 2 at least I had chemistry with. With online dating is like 1 out of 15 where I feel chemistry with. I have a friend who probably met 30+ girls from dating sites. He just married a girl who he met randomly at a grocery store. His longest relationship before that was with a girl he was set up with. He found nothing substantial from years of online dating.
And that's why different methods/approaches work for different people. Attraction alone did not pique my interest. I could think a man is nice to ogle and not be romantically interested. Chemistry, for me, is dependent on a number of things where just meeting in-person won't do it for me. But online, I could easily assess attraction and other points of compatibility. The intellectual/mental connection, along with other traits and characteristics I looked for, could be assessed far more effectively and efficiently in this manner.
I went on 100+ dates in a span of two and a half years, off and on, and dated several men for varying lengths of time. I had a couple of relationships that developed as a result of meeting on OKC. Some dates became friends. I also met my husband on OKC.
His experience was similar. He's dated women he met in-person, at college, through work, friends, etc. He still preferred meeting potential dates on dating sites. He found more compatible matches that way. Not just in terms of chemistry, but his overall criteria. Before me, he met his two previous exes on OKC and several other women he went on dates with.
So, again, it comes down to each individual's approach and how to best find what they're looking for.
Hey all, I'm a 26-year-old woman who is extremely frustrated with online dating and just dating in general. I have been using dating apps for a few years now and have met up with a decent amount of people, but I have never really felt chemistry with anyone I meet. I know part of this is just my peculiarity in that it is honestly rare that I feel genuinely attracted to people. I know I'm not asexual because I have been VERY attracted to certain guys, but I can count them on one hand and I just haven't been attracted to anyone I meet from the apps. The most recent guy I dated broke it off because he could tell that I wasn't really attracted to him, but I felt I should give him a chance because he was a good guy.
You would think that online dating would be the best choice for introverted people like me, but no luck (I am not obese or anything like that). I'm really not sure what to do next or how to even meet potential partners. Any (genuine) advice is much appreciated.
I have found that group activities that meet on a regular basis are a good way (I.e. a co-ed run club, sports club, interest club, church group, etc, etc). Those are also good because you can get to know people first before jumping into the dating stage. You will already know whether or not you have a level of attraction. Online is awkward because you can't really tell by pictures and a profile how the person is in real life. You also don't see them in natural environments when you meet so it takes more time to determine compatibility.
I've known a lot of people who used OLD, and some successful, but many of my good friends ultimately met their spouses/girlfriend in real life even though they used OLD. You should use OLD as one vehicle to meet someone but not the only.
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