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Did he go over the invite list with you? I agree he should have told you when he knew she was invited, what made him finally tell you? He did finally tell you, so give him credit for that. He may have been conflicted about it, or it may be an absolute no issue with him and didn't think it mattered.
Also, he has to agree to your expectations about both sides contacting old flames in the marriage and appears this has not been discussed between you two. You'd think it should be understood, but it needs to be discussed together.
That said, if he wants to marry you, he wants you, not her. He's yours. Congrats. If she is seen in some wedding pics, have the photographer edit her out of the pics. This is not something to ruin the wedding.
Did he go over the invite list with you? I agree he should have told you when he knew she was invited, what made him finally tell you? He did finally tell you, so give him credit for that. He may have been conflicted about it, or it may be an absolute no issue with him and didn't think it mattered.
Also, he has to agree to your expectations about both sides contacting old flames in the marriage and appears this has not been discussed between you two. You'd think it should be understood, but it needs to be discussed together.
That said, if he wants to marry you, he wants you, not her. He's yours. Congrats. If she is seen in some wedding pics, have the photographer edit her out of the pics. This is not something to ruin the wedding.
Yes, he went over the invite list with me. He finally told me when we went over who has sent in their RSVP and who hasn’t. I think it was both; he thought about never telling me and didn’t think it was a big issue because he forgot about it.
We did end up discussing boundaries with the opposite sex right afterwards and agreed to not spending one on one time with the opposite sex alone.
You have the right to request him to cut her off if she makes you uncomfortable, and it's great that you were able to have this boundary discussion before you married. It's your relationship so you two make the rules.
I am still friends with some guys i have had "benefits" with in the past. Some of them i consider good friends. In my last relationship he was o.k with me maintaining a virtual friendship but no hanging out. He also had friends that he had fooled around with in the past, so the same rules applied to him. We trusted each other and never asked to look at the other persons phone.
Not really your place per se to tell him who he can associate with. All you can do is let him know whether or not it makes you uncomfortable. It's on him, what he does next. You can't control other people, you can only control yourself.
, I think that if he were to have told me before we got engaged, things probably would’ve been different. It would have allowed me to see his interactions with this woman in the long run and see if they’re both trustworthy.
But you have been seeing their interactions, just without a jaundiced eye which usually makes every little thing look suspicious, even when it isn't.
Yes, he went over the invite list with me. He finally told me when we went over who has sent in their RSVP and who hasn’t. I think it was both; he thought about never telling me and didn’t think it was a big issue because he forgot about it.
We did end up discussing boundaries with the opposite sex right afterwards and agreed to not spending one on one time with the opposite sex alone.
Thank you for your perspective!
If that's the rule you both agreed to, then it means it's ok for past flames can show up at parties and gatherings. And there was nothing to be upset about to begin with, but you did get upset. You should apologize if you told him you were upset about this.
That rule implies both sides do not have to inform the other when a past flame is going to be present at a gathering. Also need to clarify what one on one time alone means. Is it ok for them to talk together for 30 minutes with others around? Or alone mean no one else around?
If I am in your shoes, I would be angry and question too why he chose to tell me now and not prior to sending the invitation list.
The issue with some of the advices on here is that they tend to be the extreme.
If that person wrong you, cut that person out of your life, etc....
Well, life is not that really simple, and relationship is not that simple. Most relationship requires two parties putting in effort, and work around problems and issues that come up. Relationship is never a black and white. If it is, most people would not be in relationship. There will always be trying moments.
If I am in your shoes, I would do as you did and talk to him. Only you know if you are being loved by him, if this relationship is worth staying in.
Wish you the best.
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