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Old 01-20-2019, 08:01 AM
 
Location: NNJ
15,051 posts, read 10,043,591 times
Reputation: 17223

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
We’re couples who broke up due to one person not wanting kids and the other wanting kids really in love? When I think in love, I think of doing anything for the other person. I am skeptical of if these people were really fully in love.
You don't get to choose the person who you fall in love with but you certainly get to choose what you do with it.

If the person doesn't want kids, coercing them into a lifetime commitment isn't a show of love either. In my case, we broke up because she already had two children and she struggled tremendously as a single mother. Father/husband left her and disappeared. She wasn't emotionally/physically ready to have another and I (at the time childless) knew we would end up resenting each other for it.

It was one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make.... we were very much happy together for a long time. But I think it was the right decision. She is still in my life as a long term friend. I've watched her children grow up over the years and helped out occasionally to that end. It is very possible the issue would have driven us apart and out of each other's lives.

Last edited by usayit; 01-20-2019 at 08:27 AM..
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Old 01-20-2019, 08:24 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,920 posts, read 7,692,289 times
Reputation: 16655
Never have children out of:

Obligation
Coercion
In hopes of stabilizing/cementing a relationship
To please others
etc.
There are way too many children that are coming from dysfunctional families and becoming dysfunctional adults.

Children deserved to be wanted and loved, by BOTH parents. Having one who's in and one who's out is a disaster waiting to happen. The OP is speaking about children as if they are some sort of minor consequence or obligation in terms of a loving relationship. That mindset is very dysfunctional and delusional at best.
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Old 01-20-2019, 06:07 PM
 
Location: New Yawk
9,196 posts, read 7,208,181 times
Reputation: 15314
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
We’re couples who broke up due to one person not wanting kids and the other wanting kids really in love? When I think in love, I think of doing anything for the other person. I am skeptical of if these people were really fully in love.
I think it’s pretty foolish to choose to bring a child into the world unless you’re both all in. It’s not like going to a movie or restaurant when you’d rather go elsewhere; it’s an irrevocable, life-long responsibility.
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Old 01-20-2019, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,412,743 times
Reputation: 53067
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
Jesus, that's messed up. He pretty much wasted 5 years of her life when she could have been looking for someone that genuinely wanted kids.

Did the guy not feel guilty at any point stringing her along that long? My god..
It isn't that uncommon, though.

I was with somebody for five years that would probably be considered prime childbearing ones who kept it to himself that he didn't want kids. Like in the case noted on this thread, he wasn't upfront about it because he knew the relationship would have ended before it began if he'd been honest and the incompatibility stated.

By the time it ended, I knew fully well that my window for having biological children could well have been closed due to his selfishness.

It wasn't, though. So, yay for fertile myrtle me, and yay for meeting my awesome husband.

But, yeah, selfish people who lie and misrepresent themselves for their own gain? Not that uncommon.
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Old 01-20-2019, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,412,743 times
Reputation: 53067
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
I would think having children or not would have come up BEFORE a couple marries.
Ideally (it did for me), but even then, it still doesn't remedy the sunk cost of the time invested in an ultimately incompatible union.
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Old 01-20-2019, 06:40 PM
 
Location: California
999 posts, read 550,980 times
Reputation: 2983
Love is not enough to make a relationship work. It also takes compatible lifestyles and dreams for the future.

Having children is not something that can be compromised on. You either want them or you don't. Love has nothing to do with it. I've loved quite a few men who I had to break up with because our lifestyles just couldn't work together for various reasons.

Sorry but the idea that love conquers all is a silly, made up thing from fairy tales. It doesn't apply to adult life.
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Old 01-20-2019, 07:23 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,792,699 times
Reputation: 11124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
Would the female jump on top of the man and forceably get herself impregananted if she wanted children?
Yes, a female with baby rabies. Can't stop them.
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Old 01-20-2019, 09:39 PM
 
Location: California
999 posts, read 550,980 times
Reputation: 2983
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Yes, a female with baby rabies. Can't stop them.
You can and absolutely should stop them.

For the record, going off the pill without telling a partner or purposefully getting pregnant (or getting them pregnant) against a partner's wishes is called reproductive coercion. It's a form of abuse. It's not okay, funny or cute in any way.
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Old 01-21-2019, 05:55 AM
 
4,414 posts, read 2,910,977 times
Reputation: 6045
It took a lot of offending to get here, but in summary, sometimes love just isn't enough.
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Old 01-21-2019, 12:08 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
10,203 posts, read 17,801,643 times
Reputation: 13913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
It took a lot of offending to get here, but in summary, sometimes love just isn't enough.
Yes, exactly, but love not being enough to overcome incompatibility doesn't mean it's not real love.
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