What is the difference between children inside and outside of marriage? (girlfriend, woman)
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So do you think getting married because of a pregnancy is in the best interests or worst interests of a couple and baby? Is the foundation of the child's life more stable because the parents got married after discovering they're expecting?
Not necessarily.
If the two parents cannot get along over time and the child is subjected to a life of conflict between two people he loves very much but who really can't stand being together, that doesn't bring stability.
Or in a different scenario, if the two people live like roommates, they could be modeling an atypical lack of affection for the child.
But maybe by some miracle they will fall in love with each other along the way? Who knows?
Like I said, there are as many possibilities as there are couples on earth.
I’m from a family with few divorces and a majority stable marriages. I feel fortunate to have grown up with such good relationship role models all around me. I wanted to, and did, marry in my 20s and continue the family trend. Given my personal experiences, I’m one who believes a good marriage is the best place to raise happy kids, but it’s not the only way.
Yes, I remember. It will be interesting when your kids are adults if they find out that "aunt" actually means "ex." At the very least it will cause them to do a lot of thinking about relationships.
So why are these semantics exempt from the conversation? You've always clung to these previous relationships as if your life depended on it, even as your actual marriage deteriorated.
I'm honestly not trying to provoke you here. You've been very open about your situation, and I know it's not easy. But your life is like a carefully arranged house of cards to which typical logic doesn't really apply.
Again, apples to oranges.
Marital status is relevant to the future well being of children. But above that, foundational characteristics like truth are even more relevant. I guess I'm trying to figure out what truth you're trying to advance in your family's life - and why.
The truth is that they have two parents that love and care for them... Both are fully involved in a day to day basis. Sure it may not be ideal but as parents we have determined that it is far better than either of us becoming part time parents in their lives. That nothing is perfect in life but intent also counts. We as parents intend of being there for them with open arms. I expect them to learn how two people who still care for each other deeply treat each other with respect and that two can also find love in others.
Financially it means that we can afford for her to be a part time SAHM, save for college and foster things like sports and music. That both parents work hard to provide a life that many even within our family are not fortune to have. That we build the foundation for financial independence and success.
They'll understand the importance of close friendships in one's life. I intend on being completely honest when they are of age... If they ask about aunt, I will be completely honest. People can find love in the most unexpected places but it is also important what you do with that love. For us, we chose to build a friendship as that was best for us at that time and all that she wanted for me was to be happy even if it meant building a life with mommy instead.
If they ask why we sleep in different rooms, hopefully they'll be mature to understand that we we may no longer be intimate partners but we are still partners in parenting... And that mom and dad simply needed space to live a portion of their lives separately.
When one has a soccer or karate tournament there won't be any question of which us will make it or not.... Just like dinners, bed time, and when they wake in the morning, we will be there... Both of us.
The truth is that they have two parents that love and care for them... Both are fully involved in a day to day basis. Sure it may not be ideal but as parents we have determined that it is far better than either of us becoming part time parents in their lives. That nothing is perfect in life but intent also counts. We as parents intend of being there for them with open arms. I expect them to learn how two people who still care for each other deeply treat each other with respect and that two can also find love in others.
Financially it means that we can afford for her to be a part time SAHM, save for college and foster things like sports and music. That both parents work hard to provide a life that many even within our family are not fortune to have. That we build the foundation for financial independence and success.
They'll understand the importance of close friendships in one's life. I intend on being completely honest when they are of age... If they ask about aunt, I will be completely honest. People can find love in the most unexpected places but it is also important what you do with that love. For us, we chose to build a friendship as that was best for us at that time and all that she wanted for me was to be happy even if it meant building a life with mommy instead.
If they ask why we sleep in different rooms, hopefully they'll be mature to understand that we we may no longer be intimate partners but we are still partners in parenting... And that mom and dad simply needed space to live a portion of their lives separately.
When one has a soccer or karate tournament there won't be any question of which us will make it or not.... Just like dinners, bed time, and when they wake in the morning, we will be there... Both of us.
That sounds really nice. I hope it works out the way you want it to.
No it does not. If anything it teaches them what close friendships look like and how valuable they are in a person's life. There is a very close nit circle of friends (we are like family to each other) that is very important to me. My kids know of nothing else.... for them.. they are like uncles/aunts and the kids their cousins.
What my children do not know is that we have "history" and thus I have history with her children (they were abandoned by their father).... I care for them even though they've never really totally accepted me. I am ok with that.
I don’t know, man. As a bystander, I can’t help but wonder if a lot of this is a big contributor to your marital problems. From your postings over the years, while you value those friendships... it sounds like you are clinging to the old days of polyamory, open relationships, and the sex industry. A spouse can only quietly tolerate so much, before they start to die inside a little bit more each day.
I don’t know, man. As a bystander, I can’t help but wonder if a lot of this is a big contributor to your marital problems. From your postings over the years, while you value those friendships... it sounds like you are clinging to the old days of polyamory, open relationships, and the sex industry. A spouse can only quietly tolerate so much, before they start to die inside a little bit more each day.
Exactly, and knowing that your husband yearns deep down for a "friend" he had to give up in order to save the marriage doesn't help stoke the fires of passion either.
Right now the kids are at an age when they barely even understand the mechanics of sex. Once they are old enough to stop believing that Daddy sleeps in the basement because Mommy moves around a lot at night, they will begin to question things.
I don’t know, man. As a bystander, I can’t help but wonder if a lot of this is a big contributor to your marital problems. From your postings over the years, while you value those friendships... it sounds like you are clinging to the old days of polyamory, open relationships, and the sex industry. A spouse can only quietly tolerate so much, before they start to die inside a little bit more each day.
Not really...
She was a part of the group while we dated and we had a perfect time together as a couple for 6 years after marriage and we dated for a while prior... She shares the same views that everyone has choices and should be allowed. The Same friends and same exGF were always present... Even in our wedding and invited to see the kids born. No issues at all. My friendships predated our marriage and she is a part of that circle. I don't wish to go back to those days of open relationships and such... The only person I've always wanted was her and I made that known through how I treated her. All my friends respected that...
If you must know.. Having children. Is very important to me. And thus the issue lies with that.... The feeling that I wasn't part of the family... Being told that she is the mother and what I had to say about kids wasn't important. Coming to a decision about kids and her doing whatever she wanted anyways. We had struggles with medical problems with the kids... And she blamed me.
What you did pick up on is that I naturally gravitated for advice a d support from those that knew and trusted most. They just happen to be women that you and society reject because of their choices in life. For me... They were there for me in times my wife wasn't.
Its a cop out to blame things you don't like or reject... Certainly my wife never blamed them... She blamed me though.... Because I couldn't magically make the kids better.
Fortunately much of this we've made progress on the last couple years.... It was tough... But the end result was still rejection.... So in the end... We are simply friends and roommates that care for each other and our children but no more no. Less. Certainly didn't make me feel welcome as a husband.
If I were to do that all over again I would have raised a red flag earlier rather than hesitate because I didn't want to bring up marriage and my unhappiness.... Because I didn't want to fight an already struggling mother.
Exactly, and knowing that your husband yearns deep down for a "friend" he had to give up in order to save the marriage doesn't help stoke the fires of passion either.
Right now the kids are at an age when they barely even understand the mechanics of sex. Once they are old enough to stop believing that Daddy sleeps in the basement because Mommy moves around a lot at night, they will begin to question things.
When the elder son asks... We already prepared to tell him what I've already posted an you responded to... That we care deeply for each other and for the children.... Etc.
If you don't see any value in marriage and are comfortable having kids outside of wedlock, than there is nothing really to educate you on. Marriage is a social contract of sorts where two people agree to be in it together to the end. It's the endgame for dating and courtship, where two people decide they want to be with each other for the rest of their lives (this is a very basic explanation). Off course, this hasn't really been the case in the Western world in the past 40 years or so.
The idea of permanence is why many consider marriage to be the ideal relationship state for having children. Who better to have and raise children with than a life long partner?
I never said I'm planning to have kids out of wedlock I'd actually rather be married before i have children. I don't judge people for having kids outside of marriage because life happens and I've seen common law relationships that are more stable than some of the married people i know.
And why wouldn't there be a point in educating me? I'm only 19, my views of the world aren't set in stone.
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