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Sorry, but this OP strikes me as crossing over the line into the territory of the asinine. There is no good reason whatsoever that Sam should not lunch with this group as it has been described.
As for Barb, she needs to find a heavy ball-peen hammer and give that out-of-joint nose of hers a whack to try to get it back in place where it belongs. She's a jackass for a woman in her late sixties.
After 11 yrs a perceived snub at a class reunion is still being used against poor Sam?. Geez Barb chill out.
My husband is outgoing and has been in the entertainment business most of his life. He also belongs to
several organizations. As a result he knows a lot of people and gets invited out often. I'm an introvert
and don't enjoy small talk or large groups of people. He will often invite me knowing that I'll choose not
to attend and that's fine. He goes and has a good time and I stay home and do what I like. Win, win.
During an previous marriage I had a long time male friend and we would meet for dinner every few weeks. The ex would always be invited and told where we would be. He assumed the friendship would end when we
got married. He never joined us, but would park in the restaurant lot and wait for us to come out, then follow
me home. Marriage didn't last long.
Barb should be invited to the lunches and if she chooses not to go for whatever reason it's on her. Sam
should go and enjoy his friends.
Well OP, why can't you and Ted meet up for lunch, just the two of you? Surely it doesn't have to be all of them or alone eating a sandwich in a car?
That would be fine with me. However Ted really enjoys the group lunches. Over the years he has stayed in touch with a lot more people from our high school class than I have, and he likes hanging out with them. I didn't want to impose on him by suggesting we just meet alone.
I'm presenting this in the third person in hope of being impartial. The summary explains the basic situation but it's important to consider the back stories after it.
Summary:
Sam and Barb have been together 40 years; they are in their late 60's. They have shared interests and values, no separations, no infidelities of any sort. They get along well, probably better than the average couple.
Recently Sam reconnected with Ted, an old friend from elementary school. They hadn't been in touch in 50 years. Ted told him of a group of mostly women from their high school class who meet occasionally for lunch. Ted was going to the next lunch and invited Sam to join him.
Sam went to the lunch. There were three men and fourteen women, all high school classmates. Sam enjoyed seeing Ted again, also catching up with the others. The high school they all went to was small so they all knew each other back then. Sam was never close friends with, nor dated, any of the women.
Is this acceptable? Is it okay for a married man go to an occasional lunch with a group of former high school classmates with that sort of gender division – far more women than men?
Broader circumstances:
Barb's perspective:
Eleven years ago Sam and Barb attended Sam's 40th high school reunion. After dinner Sam spent most of the evening circulating the room, talking with former classmates. Barb felt abandoned. Sam thought he was leaving her with the wife of a classmate but that person didn't spend much time with her. Barb felt deserted and disrespected.
The next day Barb made clear how angry and hurt she was. Sam apologized profusely. Barb accepted his apology but has never completely gotten over it. Once in a while, when she gets angry at Sam, she brings up his reunion neglect.
Some of the women at the lunch were at the reunion and Barb is threatened by that, although none of them were the people Sam talked with at the reunion.
Sam is outgoing and funny; he likes to make people laugh. Barb believes that comes across as flirty, and she's threatened by how the women might react to it.
Barb feels that it's inappropriate for him to have lunch with a group that is predominately female, with only Ted having been his good friend. Barb thinks that if Sam wants to spend time with Ted, he should do it other than at the lunches.
Sam's perspective:
The lunches occur in a different town from where Sam & Barb live. Sam's mother is in a nursing home in that town, about a mile from the restaurant. Sam visits his mother regularly and spends all day with her. The nursing home doesn't permit visitors in the residents' dining room during lunch, so he eats a sandwich in his car during that hour. He thinks it's reasonable to go to the classmate lunches since he's already in town, it's a chance to visit with Ted, and he would otherwise eat alone in his car.
Who is right? Is it acceptable for Sam to attend the lunches or not?
Thanks.
The issue here is not whether it is acceptable to attend lunches. The issue is Sam upset Barb when he abandoned her at the party. To make it worse she was an outsider.
The ideal thoughtful husband would have taken his wife around with him as he mingled and proudly introduced his wife to his classmates as he went. Sam should not sneak around and go to a meeting without asking his wife to go with him or at least telling her he will be going when in the different town.
What is so important to Sam that must attend these reunions? People do things because there is payoff of some kind for doing it. Is it an ego-boost, bragging right, ogling, flirting, or seeking admiration?
It just seems inconceivable that this is the only time in such a long marriage that jealousy has reared it's ugly head??
Is there more to the story?
Well, in any 40 year marriage there's a lot more to every story. There's always a backdrop to whatever happens. However, aside from the reunion issue, there's nothing I can think of that underlies her reaction. And her reaction is BY FAR the most jealous she's ever been.
Last edited by CassidyTopper; 01-21-2019 at 02:58 PM..
Sam here. I want to thank everyone for your responses. I feel somewhat validated, and I gained some interesting insights. I appreciate it.
I'd like to clarify a few things:
First, Barb is a wonderful person. We've been married 40 years and generally get along great. Aside from the lunch issue, she's kind, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and just about whatever other loving virtue you can think of. She's a terrific person.
The only area in which she seems – to me – unreasonable is this lunch thing. She's like a different personality in this issue. I don't know why it bothers her so much. It's such a benign thing to me, and so very objectionable to her. She is somewhat jealous by nature but never near this extent before. This is light-years beyond any slight jealousy she's exhibited in the past 40 years.
At one point when we wanted to take a three-week trip to Europe, and something came up with her family that prevented her from leaving, she told me I should go alone. She encouraged me to; she really seemed to mean it. A fanatically jealous person doesn't urge their spouse to spend weeks alone in Europe. (I didn't go -- no fun alone and I didn't want to leave her that long.)
If you only knew about Barb regarding this lunch thing (which is all I presented here), you might think her a jealous, selfish, insecure, controlling wife. In this one specific instance, she kind of is. But otherwise she's completely different. I've asked myself a hundred times why this gets to her so much, and I still don't know. It's not the “real her” in any other regard.
I also want to make clear that although I'm extroverted when around other people, I'm not overly desirous of social gatherings. I worked many years in a customer service job that entailed many people appealing to me for help every day. It wore on me, and now I'm almost always happier to spend time at home alone or with Barb. The lunch thing is an exception because I was already nearby with an hour to kill, and I enjoyed re-connecting with Ted – he's a nice guy, and the only person still around from my childhood.
Finally, I'll explain the outcome:
I went to two of the lunches in a three-month period. Barb was moderately bothered after the first one, and very bothered after the second. Our discussion – of why she thought it was wrong (which I presented above as well as I can recount), and why I thought it was okay – turned into an argument. It carried over to the next day, and it got heated. We didn't want it to continue, and since she couldn't seem to be comfortable with it, I stopped attending. I haven't been back, nor will I. It's nothing I needed in my life, and it became moot when my mother passed away a couple months later.
But her reaction bothered me enough that I decided to post here. I've been curious if I was looking at it all wrong, so I wanted to solicit other people's views.
The issue here is not whether it is acceptable to attend lunches. The issue is Sam upset Barb when he abandoned her at the party. To make it worse she was an outsider.
The ideal thoughtful husband would have taken his wife around with him as he mingled and proudly introduced his wife to his classmates as he went.Sam should not sneak around and go to a meeting without asking his wife to go with him or at least telling her he will be going when in the different town.
What is so important to Sam that must attend these reunions? People do things because there is payoff of some kind for doing it. Is it an ego-boost, bragging right, ogling, flirting, or seeking admiration?
I agree completely about the reunion. I can't claim to be the ideal thoughtful husband, and I wasn't that night, but I did apologize extensively. And it was 11 years ago.
However I object to the characterization of "sneak around and go to a meeting without asking his wife to go with him or at least telling her he will be going when in the different town". I told Barb in advance about the lunches both times, and afterward who was there. Since I was spending the day in another town, I could easily have attended without her knowing, but I didn't and wouldn't do that.
Regarding what was "so important" about the lunches, I thought I explained that in the initial post. I had to kill an hour, was near the restaurant, saw a chance to hang out with an old friend, and would otherwise have eaten a sandwich alone in my car. It wasn't important, it was just convenient and mildly amusing.
The issue here is not whether it is acceptable to attend lunches. The issue is Sam upset Barb when he abandoned her at the party. To make it worse she was an outsider.
The ideal thoughtful husband would have taken his wife around with him as he mingled and proudly introduced his wife to his classmates as he went. Sam should not sneak around and go to a meeting without asking his wife to go with him or at least telling her he will be going when in the different town.
What is so important to Sam that must attend these reunions? People do things because there is payoff of some kind for doing it. Is it an ego-boost, bragging right, ogling, flirting, or seeking admiration?
When I was married to my first husband, I attended one of his high school reunions with him. I knew he wanted to show me off, and he did. I also knew (because he told me) that he was looking forward to seeing some of his friends.
There WAS a period of time where "I was abandoned". Heck, I didn't take it personally. Yes, I did sit like a lump for a little while...but "I got it" that he was catching up with people. And I was way shyer back in the day, than I am now.
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