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I really need your advise. Will be seeking counselling shortly to help me with overthinking things but I wanted to get your point of view on below.
The guy and I have been dating for a year now. Just want to note that have trust issues because of past experiences.
The guy IÂ’m with is older and his behaviour is very caring and loving towards me. Everyone around us confirms heÂ’s so in love with me simply due to his body language. His family also confirmed theyÂ’d never see him this happy before. We joke around a lot and have a chemistry that IÂ’ve not experienced before itÂ’s just so natural being around him and spending time together and I can just be myself.
The issue I feel is that he calls me beautiful but others who all happen to be blond girls - amazing /gorgeous !! I feel thereÂ’s a massive difference there. I also tell him maybe he needs to be together with a blond girl not small brunette if that’s his type but he denies it completely and says he doesn’t want anyone but me as I’m the one.
Came close to breaking up because of the following: he follows girls he used to date on social media which I donÂ’t understand as people I had sexual relationships with in the past are no longer present for me to watch and follow their daily actions - just donÂ’t see the point. Makes me think hes still open to them and if things donÂ’t work out heÂ’d have easy access to reach out to them? One of them reached our to him recentlY to check whether he was still in a relationship or not... he said there wasnÂ’t an issue as these girls he has absolutely no interest in.
He follows this girl he works with - not same branch. Says sheÂ’s crazy as sheÂ’s in an unhealthy relationship with this guy who is married however, I always had a gut feeling that he had a massive crush on her. Calls her gorgeous when describing her and likes almost all of her pics. He said he wasnÂ’t interested but one day I caught him, as he thought I was sleeping he opened his social media to stare at her selfie... I told him about it and that IÂ’m aware heÂ’s got a crush on her.
Then, on holiday a few months ago he was ogling at naked girls on the beach as they were topless... I told him looking is fine but staring to the extent that theiir boyfriends even noticed goes beyond embarrassment.
I have basically summed up the negatives and my overthinking thoughts provoke me to feel anger and jealousy and I donÂ’t know what to do. I confronted him on all this and told him IÂ’ve had enough as I donÂ’t want my confidence to slide because of him and am worth so much more. He kind of begged me to stay with him as IÂ’m the one for him and on our next holiday he took everything into consideration which led us into having the best holiday ever without any arguments or issues, but IÂ’m still not sure...because of all thatÂ’s happened.
HeÂ’s quite shy and is someone who tries to avoid issues and problems wherever he can. He worries a lot as well and is so caring however his above behaviour just confuses me so much and I told him IÂ’m not sure whether he just needs me to fill the blank of being in a relationship as heÂ’s in his mid 30s and all of his friends and family are pretty much settled down..
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,580,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LouiseP3
Hi guys,
I really need your advise. Will be seeking counselling shortly to help me with overthinking things but I wanted to get your point of view on below.
The guy and I have been dating for a year now. Just want to note that have trust issues because of past experiences.
The guy IÂ’m with is older and his behaviour is very caring and loving towards me. Everyone around us confirms heÂ’s so in love with me simply due to his body language. His family also confirmed theyÂ’d never see him this happy before. We joke around a lot and have a chemistry that IÂ’ve not experienced before itÂ’s just so natural being around him and spending time together and I can just be myself.
The issue I feel is that he calls me beautiful but others who all happen to be blond girls - amazing /gorgeous !! I feel thereÂ’s a massive difference there. I also tell him maybe he needs to be together with a blond girl not small brunette if that’s his type but he denies it completely and says he doesn’t want anyone but me as I’m the one.
Came close to breaking up because of the following: he follows girls he used to date on social media which I donÂ’t understand as people I had sexual relationships with in the past are no longer present for me to watch and follow their daily actions - just donÂ’t see the point. Makes me think hes still open to them and if things donÂ’t work out heÂ’d have easy access to reach out to them? One of them reached our to him recentlY to check whether he was still in a relationship or not... he said there wasnÂ’t an issue as these girls he has absolutely no interest in.
He follows this girl he works with - not same branch. Says sheÂ’s crazy as sheÂ’s in an unhealthy relationship with this guy who is married however, I always had a gut feeling that he had a massive crush on her. Calls her gorgeous when describing her and likes almost all of her pics. He said he wasnÂ’t interested but one day I caught him, as he thought I was sleeping he opened his social media to stare at her selfie... I told him about it and that IÂ’m aware heÂ’s got a crush on her.
Then, on holiday a few months ago he was ogling at naked girls on the beach as they were topless... I told him looking is fine but staring to the extent that theiir boyfriends even noticed goes beyond embarrassment.
I have basically summed up the negatives and my overthinking thoughts provoke me to feel anger and jealousy and I donÂ’t know what to do. I confronted him on all this and told him IÂ’ve had enough as I donÂ’t want my confidence to slide because of him and am worth so much more. He kind of begged me to stay with him as IÂ’m the one for him and on our next holiday he took everything into consideration which led us into having the best holiday ever without any arguments or issues, but IÂ’m still not sure...because of all thatÂ’s happened.
HeÂ’s quite shy and is someone who tries to avoid issues and problems wherever he can. He worries a lot as well and is so caring however his above behaviour just confuses me so much and I told him IÂ’m not sure whether he just needs me to fill the blank of being in a relationship as heÂ’s in his mid 30s and all of his friends and family are pretty much settled down..
Louise, I think seeing someone about your overthinking is a good start. Has anything happened in the relationship that gave you reason not to trust him cause by what you have said, you do not trust him. And he might be giving u reason not to trust him with all the stares & other girls in his life. Everyone has friends but he shouldn't be be olgling them & if you have talked to him about it & he S T I L L does it, you need to ask why would a man that says he loves me disrespect me in this way? So start by sharing your feelings with him.
it's good to *know* each others' "dealbreakers" early on...it doesn't 'get better' the longer it's kept 'under wraps'. then you *both* get what you really want and deserve in any relationship situation.
All that... Â before the apostrophes made the OP a bit hard read.
His ogling (which apparently, can get over the top) over other women definitely would make any girlfriend uncomfortable. So actually you might not be overthinking, but you might underrating that gut feeling. Him gushing over another woman when he didn't react the same to glamming you is such a kicker and makes me wonder if there is something off with him.
The bigger question you'd have to ask yourself is if you're willing to deal with this the rest of your life?
I really need your advise. Will be seeking counselling shortly to help me with overthinking things but I wanted to get your point of view on below.
The guy and I have been dating for a year now. Just want to note that have trust issues because of past experiences.
The guy IÂ’m with is older and his behaviour is very caring and loving towards me. Everyone around us confirms heÂ’s so in love with me simply due to his body language. His family also confirmed theyÂ’d never see him this happy before. We joke around a lot and have a chemistry that IÂ’ve not experienced before itÂ’s just so natural being around him and spending time together and I can just be myself.
The issue I feel is that he calls me beautiful but others who all happen to be blond girls - amazing /gorgeous !! I feel thereÂ’s a massive difference there. I also tell him maybe he needs to be together with a blond girl not small brunette if that’s his type but he denies it completely and says he doesn’t want anyone but me as I’m the one.
Came close to breaking up because of the following: he follows girls he used to date on social media which I donÂ’t understand as people I had sexual relationships with in the past are no longer present for me to watch and follow their daily actions - just donÂ’t see the point. Makes me think hes still open to them and if things donÂ’t work out heÂ’d have easy access to reach out to them? One of them reached our to him recentlY to check whether he was still in a relationship or not... he said there wasnÂ’t an issue as these girls he has absolutely no interest in.
He follows this girl he works with - not same branch. Says sheÂ’s crazy as sheÂ’s in an unhealthy relationship with this guy who is married however, I always had a gut feeling that he had a massive crush on her. Calls her gorgeous when describing her and likes almost all of her pics. He said he wasnÂ’t interested but one day I caught him, as he thought I was sleeping he opened his social media to stare at her selfie... I told him about it and that IÂ’m aware heÂ’s got a crush on her.
Then, on holiday a few months ago he was ogling at naked girls on the beach as they were topless... I told him looking is fine but staring to the extent that theiir boyfriends even noticed goes beyond embarrassment.
I have basically summed up the negatives and my overthinking thoughts provoke me to feel anger and jealousy and I donÂ’t know what to do. I confronted him on all this and told him IÂ’ve had enough as I donÂ’t want my confidence to slide because of him and am worth so much more. He kind of begged me to stay with him as IÂ’m the one for him and on our next holiday he took everything into consideration which led us into having the best holiday ever without any arguments or issues, but IÂ’m still not sure...because of all thatÂ’s happened.
HeÂ’s quite shy and is someone who tries to avoid issues and problems wherever he can. He worries a lot as well and is so caring however his above behaviour just confuses me so much and I told him IÂ’m not sure whether he just needs me to fill the blank of being in a relationship as heÂ’s in his mid 30s and all of his friends and family are pretty much settled down..
He doesn't sound shy to me, OP. He also doesn't sound like he tries to avoid conflicts.
Frankly, he sounds like he has issues of some kind. I don't think you're overthinking. It's no fun to be with someone, who makes you feel like you're second or third fiddle. It's weird that he can't control himself, and just blurts stuff out, or obsesses over someone's photos on social media.
Only you can decide what you can put up with, and what you can't. But usually, people look for a partner who thinks they're the cat's meow, and the feeling is mutual. You deserve that. Everyone does.
he doesn't sound shy to me.... he's like a dog in heat....
if there was just one instance or maybe two...… id say you might be over reacting....but this guy seems like a real leg humper...when it comes to women..
and yes he has disrespected you many times..
speak your mind...loudly...… appeasement is the cancer of a relationship.... if you don't resentment will kick in.
there are boundaries in relationships.. he needs to grow up and respect you.... no women ive ever been with would put up with half that crap..... and just imagine what he hasn't told you ..or you haven't seen..
there are times in life...you need to choose...if you are a lioness.....or a hyena...
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So start by sharing your feelings with him.
