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Ouch. So wait you’re saying I already came off as too eager bc I asked him if he got my text?
No! Omg I’m not saying that.
I’m saying that if you don’t just relax and stop overthinking every single interaction you WILL ruin it.
Don’t do anything. You texted him, and you ran into him. He said he’d be in touch so just WAIT. Think about other things. Do other things. Get your mind off this.
Let it come up next time you’re together and it will go much better than if you make a business meeting out of it via text.
I’m saying that if you don’t just relax and stop overthinking every single interaction you WILL ruin it.
Don’t do anything. You texted him, and you ran into him. He said he’d be in touch so just WAIT. Think about other things. Do other things. Get your mind off this.
Let it come up next time you’re together and it will go much better than if you make a business meeting out of it via text.
Ok that makes sense and you’re right. I do not want to make it a business meeting over text. I guess I feel like I’m always waiting on him. Even when the ball is supposedly in my court as everyone on here and my roommates and friends are saying, somehow I’m still the one waiting. It’s just frustrating. And I’ve been so patient with this guy, I’m at the point where it’s you either like me or you don’t. I want to be able to text him “hey can I come over” without feeling like I’m pursuing him or being pushy
So, I asked upthread why you two went from friends to FWB instead of dating. Feel like explaining that? It provides context to what's going on now, especially since you've said he claims he doesn't like FWB arrangements.
So, I asked upthread why you two went from friends to FWB instead of dating. Feel like explaining that? It provides context to what's going on now, especially since you've said he claims he doesn't like FWB arrangements.
I do think that would be relevant.
OP. The first thread you made about him ended with you thinking about rejecting him before he rejects you. So you’ve moved back and you live within blocks of each other. Why are you FWBs instead of dating?
Seems to be a lot of “I’m calling it this, but I really feel this” happening in your arrangement.
Say what you mean to each other, not what you want each other to believe you’re trying to be or so.
Seems to be a lot of “I’m calling it this, but I really feel this” happening in your arrangement.
Say what you mean to each other, not what you want each other to believe you’re trying to be or so.
You’re right but that’s bc I don’t know what to call it. We never defined it. We were in contact before I moved and I had visited back in October to go on a job interview, our schedules were crazy so he ended up coming to see me for a few hours. We talked and reconnected and he stood out in the cold for an hour just to talk to me. The entire conversation was again, very deep. He recently joked that that was the night I gave him hypothermia bc he stood out in the cold for me. We stayed in touch after that So when I moved back a month ago we just sort of fell into this. One night he texted me the nickname he calls me “Buttercup!” I was out and didn’t see it til 2 hours later so I respond “Hey what’s up I just saw this” and he didn’t reply. A week later he calls me twice and I finally pick up and He invites me out with his friends on February 15 and he was acting so sweet and like he wanted to date me. We fell asleep holding hands, nuzzling eachother. It wasn’t even about sex it was A LOT of affection and deep talks. Then the next morning it was the same thing, he didn’t want me to leave and we had so many deep talks about who we are and each other’s past. He seems to want to know everything about me and is very interested. He was talking as if it was a given we were seeing eachother. I didn’t leave until 3pm that next morning. Cuddling laughing. We talked about our fears, families, childhood memories. He really opened up to me and I opened up to him. He said he loves how much his friends and I get along.
But then a few days later he calls me to come over and when I get there he looks super happy and excited to see me and he asks all about my life, we have sex but then the rest of the time is talking and he’s really digging deep into my life. He was asking when I usually get home from work. At one point he said “sorry if these are too personal, I’m asking a lot of questions” I tell him “no not at all we’ve known ewchher for years and I like telling you things” and he in turn starts telling me the real him. How he used to be, how he’s changed, how he used to be a dick and an ******* to women to cover up his anxieties but how he’s actually a very good guy and hes no longer a dick and wants to treat women right. How the ******* I originally met wasn’t the real him and he wanted me to know that. how he went to therapy how he wore an arrogant mask to cover up how anxiety ridden he was when he was in his 20s” he tells me all theses things and more and then we talk about silly stuff and he teases me and makes fun of me and playfully hits me and then that’s when he asks “So how’s your dating life?” It stunned me and I was a little silent. He then said “well you just moved back so probably not very active right?” and then that’s when I asked about his and he started to talk about how he’s older now and wants to get married and have kids and this is where my post begins. But what was troublesome was how he was talking about meeting his wife and how he doesn’t know when that will be and he was telling me how in NYC it’s hard to raise a family bc everything is so expensive and his apartment is so small and he’s not rich and that’s when he pointed at me and said “so marry a rich guy and you guys will have beautiful babies” but then he made the remark about how “that’s what you’re doing to me. Using me for my penis is. That’s all I am to you” and “I’d be insulted if that’s all I was”. Sooooo he REALLY CONFUSED me. I didn’t know wtf he was saying or trying to convey.
BUT here’s the clincher and why I’m so confused. He invited me over like a booty call. He gets home at 10pm cause he works late and so do I. So that’s when he texted for me to come over. So everything he was saying and doing in my original post confused me with his actions and while I was there he was talking as if he just assumes we’re just having sex. So that confused me. Yet at the same time he reminded me how long we’ve known eachother and that how friendship and connection was never based around sex. At one point he randomly mentioned how this married chick wants him to bang her and he said “I don’t think I’m going to” and I said “you don’t think?” And he looked at me and said “no I’m defintely not going to” and he kind of looked at me with that glimmer in his eye. Idk. It was all just weird and confusing and he played his guitar for me and spoke about how he couldn’t believe how close we live to eachother and he joked that he was stalking me and talked about how we should go to bars around here and he said “I always stay in the area so I’m always around” so I said “cool yea hit me up” then he gave me a pair of his boots to use and said “you can just bring them back next time” and I ask for a kiss goodbye he says “of course” and then he texts me to make sure I’m home safe using cutesy/silly nicknames.
Part of me wants to shout out. What was all that?!
Last edited by AutumnMelody2018; 02-26-2019 at 01:04 PM..
Do I understand correctly that you've hooked up 2 or 3 times and it's all been within the past 1-2 weeks? I wouldn't say you two are FWB. It sounds more like you're friends who've had sex but haven't had an adult conversation about it. No wonder you're confused -- there should've probably been a conversation before you started having sex. And now there hasn't been a real conversation because you believe the guy is supposed to initiate that. I don't really get it. If you guys are such great friends, why can't you be honest with one another? You're sorta past the coy stage so now it just seems like a bunch of game-playing and innuendo.
Do I understand correctly that you've hooked up 2 or 3 times and it's all been within the past 1-2 weeks? I wouldn't say you two are FWB. It sounds more like you're friends who've had sex but haven't had an adult conversation about it. No wonder you're confused -- there should've probably been a conversation before you started having sex. And now there hasn't been a real conversation because you believe the guy is supposed to initiate that. I don't really get it. If you guys are such great friends, why can't you be honest with one another? You're sorta past the coy stage so now it just seems like a bunch of game-playing and innuendo.
I agree with you 100% neither of us are good at emotions. I don’t want to play games. I honestly just want to text him if I can come over (that way we can talk in person) but I’m not sure if he’ll say yes or if that will seem pushy, over eager, not give him enough space ect. I’m scared to spook him, but at the same time I’m scared he thinks I only want him for sex and maybe now he’ll reject me coming over? I dont know what to do
I think this is true, but I also think the man is posting somewhere right now about his commitment phobic FWB is sending mixed messages.
All I can add OP is that having a calm, honest discussion with him won't scare him off. Being panicked might, but calm communication won't. It doesn't guarantee you'll hear what you want to hear, but it gives him every reason to be honest with you about his feelings. Both of you would benefit from being more honest with each other about your feelings.
I sincerely doubt it, Homina. This guy is nothing like you, or most of the fellas on this forum.
He reminds me a whoooole lot of my "fling guy" from 2015. Who, by the way, is still single. He passed his 50th birthday a couple years ago. He is (in my opinion, quite obviously) avoiding relationships. But when we were in the thick of it with what we were doing, he asked me all about myself, listened and commented and seemed very interested, shared some about himself too (enough to seem like he was opening up.) Showed me his garden and shared with me foods he had made.
Ya know what's funny? He gave me my own toothbrush to use at his place, and it should have seriously been a hint to me that he had a whole bunch of cheap toothbrushes individually packaged new in plastic stored in a drawer in his bathroom. I wonder how many women have had their own toothbrush at Chez Dave...? But anyhow. He even told me at one point, "I'm in love with you, and you're mine now." Yet when I indicated that I was very happy with what we were doing and figured I'd suspend my online dating activities as my needs were quite well met, he began to distance himself. And I always had to wait on him...I'd let him know when I was available, and he'd say he'd be in touch but then not be. Until he was damn good and ready. At one point he said, "You should keep dating other people. You seem to have needs and I think you should look elsewhere to get them fulfilled." Wow ok, but he still wanted to get together and have sex now and again. He wanted me to not be exclusive (ooo too serious!) yet he wanted my schedule to be utterly open in case he felt like getting together completely on his terms? Thing was, I wasn't even looking for a "serious" relationship. I was completely fine with just being somewhat casual. But I needed him to be considerate of my time when it came to scheduling, I needed to be able to communicate without him reading all kinds of stuff into it.
There are guys who just keep everything sort of intentionally confusing. They are crazy-making and when you behave in a confused ("crazy") way then they freak out and drop you, like they never did anything wrong and you're a psycho. When you just want to know what in the hell is even going on! It is a commitment-phobic man's way of doing things. Like they always have a setup to where the moment something is even slightly difficult or you have the slightest misunderstanding, disagreement, or request for clarity, they take it as the signal to flake out.
Is the OP's guy just like that? I don't know. I don't know him. It sounds like he HAS been that guy...but he might be kicking around the idea of changing his ways. I don't know if he is legit about that or not. I don't know if he is ready to do more than think about it, talk about it, and talk himself out of it on the grounds that "it's expensive to raise a family in NYC" and such. I don't know what his deal is.
But the risk definitely exists that in even trying to talk about it, no matter how she goes about it, he'll freak out and vanish. She knows this. She likes what she's got enough that she's anxious about that risk, and I do totally get it.
Ultimately you've got to weigh your priorities. But unfortunately your realization of your feelings is going to make it hard to put that genie back in the bottle. But I totally agree with pretty much everything BirdieBelle has said, too--especially that you should find other ways to occupy your time and mind. This will make you obsessive if you let it. Do what you can to NOT let it. Whatever that takes.
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