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Old 02-27-2019, 09:22 PM
 
17 posts, read 9,418 times
Reputation: 68

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My nephew is in his mid 30s and a girl (same age) he dated just a few times told him she might be pregnant with his child. He asked me for advice today, since he doesn't want to share it with my sister & BIL, because they're dealing with a serious medical issue. He was distraught, because he hardly knows this girl and he broke it off with her. My nephew is very handsome, great career and enjoys his single life. He went through a serious bout of depression years ago and was able to recover and reboot and make a good life for himself. I'm worried this could trigger another bout of depression.

The weird thing is...her pregnancy tests have both been negative, yet she says this has happened before when she was pregnant and then miscarried. Sounds strange to me. Why would she tell him this early? And, clearly, she's been down this road before.

I told him to just deal with the facts right now--there is no confirmed pregnancy. Then, cross bridges as you come to them. If there is a pregnancy, what options does he have? The girl is against abortion. He knows he'll be required to pay child support. I feel terrible for him. I told him these days couples do have babies together and live together, but they are not a couple.

Any advice? I'm too close to it to think clearly and I want to be prepared, just in case. How long do I keep this from my sister? Hoping it resolves without her needing to know, frankly. And, my nephew is so devastated at the prospect of this responsibility. When he came over to speak with me, I could tell he'd been drinking. I pray this is all a false alarm.
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,926 posts, read 60,264,242 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northrancher View Post
I told him to just deal with the facts right now--there is no confirmed pregnancy. Then, cross bridges as you come to them.
This is excellent advice.


Quote:
Originally Posted by northrancher View Post

If there is a pregnancy, what options does he have? The girl is against abortion. He knows he'll be required to pay child support. I feel terrible for him. I told him these days couples do have babies together and live together, but they are not a couple.
I would not advise that.

They can co-parent and live separately. It won't be ideal, but none of this would be ideal, apparently.

Quote:
Originally Posted by northrancher View Post
How long do I keep this from my sister?
I think this ^^^ is the most important question you need to ponder.

Personally I would not keep it very long. It depends on what medical issue they are dealing with and how they deal with crisis in general.

I hope it's a false alarm as well. Sorry this is happening.
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Chicago
880 posts, read 536,600 times
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Was her last pregnancy and miscarriage confirmed? Sounds suspect to me. If her body is producing is producing HCG she wouldn't be getting false negatives. Even if she hasn't missed a period yet a good test can detect pregnancy.
Even if she is pregnant, is he sure he was the only person she slept with, did they use condoms?

If your sis is dealing with health issues i would want to make sure everything is confirmed first. Once confirmed you should encourage him to tell his parents. If my nephews confided in me, i would not tell their parents unless i felt it was a dangerous situation.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:07 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,427 posts, read 24,554,171 times
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If it’s his, then it’s time for him to grow the f up. Having a good job and being handsome have no bearing on his responsibility. Having sex can produce babies. Duh.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:07 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,073 posts, read 11,986,627 times
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Yes, wait for a confirmation of pregnancy. Then go from there. A *paternity test* would be indicated since he doesn't know her that well...

Co-parenting is a better option than living with someone you don't know well and don't love...he'll just have to grow up and man up and do the right thing...
responsibility for a child until adulthood, including monetary support.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Central Virginia
6,591 posts, read 8,480,584 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northrancher View Post
I told him to just deal with the facts right now--there is no confirmed pregnancy. Then, cross bridges as you come to them.
This is good advice. If the pregnancy is confirmed, then he should insist on a paternity test.

Quote:
Originally Posted by northrancher View Post
How long do I keep this from my sister?
You don't tell your sister anything. Your nephew is a man in his 30s. It's up to him to have this discussion with the people in his life. When he asks for advice, give it but he needs to handle it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by northrancher View Post
And, my nephew is so devastated at the prospect of this responsibility. When he came over to speak with me, I could tell he'd been drinking. I pray this is all a false alarm.
If he enjoys the single life, and has no interest in having children then he needs to get a vasectomy.

Again, we're talking about a man in his mid-30s. Certainly, he knew this was a risk and now he needs to handle it like an adult.
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:01 AM
 
1,178 posts, read 688,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
This is good advice. If the pregnancy is confirmed, then he should insist on a paternity test.



You don't tell your sister anything. Your nephew is a man in his 30s. It's up to him to have this discussion with the people in his life. When he asks for advice, give it but he needs to handle it.



If he enjoys the single life, and has no interest in having children then he needs to get a vasectomy.

Again, we're talking about a man in his mid-30s. Certainly, he knew this was a risk and now he needs to handle it like an adult.
Right? Wrap it up next time. He is not a victim here. While I have a measure of sympathy, sex makes babies.

That said, he should wait until it is confirmed before freaking out.
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
8,590 posts, read 12,437,886 times
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I wouldn't tell your sister until a pregnancy is confirmed.

This all sounds a bit "off" to me--a previous pregnancy that didn't show up on tests and resulted in a miscarriage? I don't know this woman of course, but it sounds to me like she's hoping to rope your nephew back into a relationship based on a false pregnancy scare and maybe a fake miscarriage. As a woman, I don't say that without regret btw. I suggest your nephew show up at her home with another pregnancy test kit in hand and ask her to try it again while he is there. Kits today can be used at any time during the day, not only in the morning, and several work very early in a pregnancy. Again, I don't say that lightly.

Regarding your nephew: be there to support him as you have been so far. Also perhaps suggest he see the doctor that helped him through his depression. A little extra help during this stressful time is a good thing.

Obviously if this pregnancy is real, a paternity test is essential.
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Old 02-28-2019, 10:12 AM
 
17 posts, read 9,418 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellybelly83 View Post
Was her last pregnancy and miscarriage confirmed? Sounds suspect to me. If her body is producing is producing HCG she wouldn't be getting false negatives. Even if she hasn't missed a period yet a good test can detect pregnancy.
Even if she is pregnant, is he sure he was the only person she slept with, did they use condoms?
No, her last pregnancy (with another man) and miscarriage are not confirmed. He's taking her word for it. Who knows if she slept with someone else. My nephew did not use a condom. I know, what was he thinking? But, it happens. I just feel in my gut that she's trying to rope him in, because the multiple negatives on the test seems odd. She has already missed a period.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ellybelly83 View Post
If your sis is dealing with health issues i would want to make sure everything is confirmed first. Once confirmed you should encourage him to tell his parents. If my nephews confided in me, i would not tell their parents unless i felt it was a dangerous situation.
I agree. I was just so shocked yesterday, my mind was racing and my sister is handling so much right now. But, if this is a reality, my nephew needs to tell his parents.
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Old 02-28-2019, 10:26 AM
 
17 posts, read 9,418 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
I wouldn't tell your sister until a pregnancy is confirmed.

This all sounds a bit "off" to me--a previous pregnancy that didn't show up on tests and resulted in a miscarriage? I don't know this woman of course, but it sounds to me like she's hoping to rope your nephew back into a relationship based on a false pregnancy scare and maybe a fake miscarriage. As a woman, I don't say that without regret btw. I suggest your nephew show up at her home with another pregnancy test kit in hand and ask her to try it again while he is there. Kits today can be used at any time during the day, not only in the morning, and several work very early in a pregnancy. Again, I don't say that lightly.

Regarding your nephew: be there to support him as you have been so far. Also perhaps suggest he see the doctor that helped him through his depression. A little extra help during this stressful time is a good thing.

Obviously if this pregnancy is real, a paternity test is essential.
I agree and I don't say that without regret, either. Just sounds fishy to me, the negative pregnancy tests taken only 3 weeks since he broke it off with her. She says her period is late. And, she is against abortion, but not against sleeping with a man without any birth control. If the family knew her and he was in a relationship with her, this would be so much different. In fact, I can imagine my sister feeling thrilled by the news. But, this is so different. Regardless, I know my nephew and he will do the right thing.

He told me he sent her money for additional testing and suggested she go for a blood test. She said she took "Plan B" but she thinks that didn't work?

I told him I'm here whenever he needs me to talk and to just stay in the present and avoid the what ifs, for now. If she tells him she's pregnant, I will suggest he get a paternity test that can be done at 8 weeks.

I'll also suggest he see his doctor.

Thanks for your good advice and support.
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