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You can't tell if a woman is interested in you and act based on that?
Speaking for myself, I never felt like I could tell, but a few months ago I was told by two close long-term friends who I've known for 15-20 years each that they'd never seen women be interested in me. So, what I've thought were signs of enough interest to greenlight my asking women for a date...weren't. What I've learned about women's signals of interest has come from reading and asking about it (such as on here) and from juxtaposing their behavior towards me vs. what I see occasionally towards other guys.
To me it looks like OP was rejected so many times in his life that he invented the "I don't pursue women because I am such a gentleman" story to feel better about himself.
If I were OP, I would try to figure out why I have women friends but not lovers.
With a little effort look could be changed, and character altered. There must be reasons why women don't want to be in intimate relationships with OP, and he needs to find out what that is and work on that.
Telling people that he is just super considerate and don't want to hurt the ladies feelings sounds like a joke to tell, because it's clear as a day, the only hurt feelings he has in mind are his own.
BTW: it's OK to get rejected, and it's OK to have feelings hurt from time to time. It's part of life experiences and a great hint to take a moment and reevaluate own life, get to the core of such incidents and change a thing or two about ourselves.
I can honestly say I've never made an unwanted advance on a woman. I have made plenty of female friends, including dozens of married women over the years who tell me that they have never met such a kind, compassionate, thoughtful man (their words.) And every once in awhile, a woman will ask me out. Not very often, but it does happen.
OK, OP, let's proceed from the assumption that this is a bonafide concerned position you've thought a lot about, and have adopted to spare women from being put on the spot by someone they may not be interested in (you). How do you feel about grey areas, like when a woman strikes up a convo with you, and might be a little flirtatious, hoping you'll take the hint and venture something like, "can I buy you a coffee, so we can continue the conversation"? Pretty innocuous. Not really an ask-out, so not awkward, really. Women do initiate, but fewer women actually do the asking out. They'll initiate, hoping the guy will take it from there.
An alternative to this scenario is, that a woman, while not overtly flirtatious (some women don't do the flirty, coy thing), initiates a convo with you on several occasions. On social occasions, or at the store, or whatever, she doesn't miss an opportunity to chat you up. What do you do?
And my second question is, are you interested in eventually having an LTR with someone, possibly leading to a lifelong commitment? If so, how do you plan to get there? Or are you ok with taking life as it comes, and accepting the fact that a lifelong partner might not be in the cards, if you continue to play your cards the way you have so far?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-27-2019 at 07:11 PM..
What makes you think that the environment is hostile towards women? I would argue that the environment is actually hostile towards men.
As to your history of rejection, the important question that always needs to be answered is what is your BMI? If you are single and overweight, get that problem taken care of first, then come back.
OP, deep down do you want companionship with a woman or not?
Well, he has plenty of companionship, it sounds like. The question is, would he like to have more than that? And if so, how does he envision that that would come about, adhering to his current rules?
Mostly, the negative experiences involved people pretending to be someone they're not, to give the impression that we had a great connection. There was one other situation that was straight out of a soap opera: A woman dated me to make one of my ex-gfs jealous, and start some kind of war in their social circle. It got way out of hand before I even knew what was happening, and then I was basically a social pariah for about two years.
1- A woman who is interested in you will make it clear beyond normal politeness and friendliness, and she'll make it easy to ask her out
2- Leave women who don't show that sort of interest alone
So I get where you're coming from. I fear rejection, but I fear making women uncomfortable even more. I wouldn't say I conquered my fear of rejection but at the very least I confronted it, over and over. When it became apparent that the answer was always No (25 straight rejections, aside from one date who ghosted me afterwards) and I was described as "always on the prowl" I decided that it wasn't worth it to put myself or women I was engaging with through that anymore.
When you only pursue women who have a natural attraction for you, you can forget about fear of rejection. Most will accept.
How to do this correctly. Never pursue a woman who shows low or indifferent interest in you. Attraction comes from nature. Let nature do it's work. When you meet a woman for the first time, or someone you've known a while, always detect her interest level in you. Remember in grade school some girls would hang around you? These were the ones that liked you, had interest in you. Adult women still feel like little girls on the inside but now show interest more subtle. It's NATURAL for them to show interest in a man. They are DESIGNED by nature to do so. Each women showing interest in a different way. One girl in high school I noticed was frequently looking at me. We eventually got married.
Rate each women (secretly in your mind) a 1, 2, of 3 especially when you first meet them:
1 - physical sign of interest: This woman is showing interest in you in some way. Could be looking at you, touching you, getting near you, flirting, etc.
2 - indifferent: Forget these women
3 - repelled: These women seem to be repelled by you. Forget them
Almost all women will be #2 indifferent. And most men waste their time on them trying to impress them, chase them, etc. Usually a waste of time. Sometimes you can get a #2 interested in you. But #1's are what you want to find and your rejection rate will decline. As long as you don't chase them.
To me it looks like OP was rejected so many times in his life that he invented the "I don't pursue women because I am such a gentleman" story to feel better about himself.
If I were OP, I would try to figure out why I have women friends but not lovers.
With a little effort look could be changed, and character altered. There must be reasons why women don't want to be in intimate relationships with OP, and he needs to find out what that is and work on that.
Telling people that he is just super considerate and don't want to hurt the ladies feelings sounds like a joke to tell, because it's clear as a day, the only hurt feelings he has in mind are his own.
BTW: it's OK to get rejected, and it's OK to have feelings hurt from time to time. It's part of life experiences and a great hint to take a moment and reevaluate own life, get to the core of such incidents and change a thing or two about ourselves.
I've never actually been rejected, because I've never pursued (or asked out) a woman. If a woman has given me the courtesy of humanizing me (by being friendly, or making conversation,) the last thing I would do is assume that it means she might be interested in more than just the friendly conversation.
Also, I didn't go down this path in life so that people would think I'm a gentleman. When I was 18, my eyes were opened to the world that many women face, a world of opportunistic men plying their wares like a door-to-door salesman, and it made me want to do better than was expected of men. I certainly wasn't trying to impress anybody. If you don't believe that, think about this: I never talked about this for the first twenty years I was doing it. I only started talking about it a couple years ago, when I got to a personal crossroads and started questioning the choices I've made in life.
I've never actually been rejected, because I've never pursued (or asked out) a woman. If a woman has given me the courtesy of humanizing me (by being friendly, or making conversation,) the last thing I would do is assume that it means she might be interested in more than just the friendly conversation.
Also, I didn't go down this path in life so that people would think I'm a gentleman. When I was 18, my eyes were opened to the world that many women face, a world of opportunistic men plying their wares like a door-to-door salesman, and it made me want to do better than was expected of men. I certainly wasn't trying to impress anybody. If you don't believe that, think about this: I never talked about this for the first twenty years I was doing it. I only started talking about it a couple years ago, when I got to a personal crossroads and started questioning the choices I've made in life.
But OP, you're assuming that all women are accosted by somewhat aggressive salesman-like men. This isn't true. There are plenty of women who rarely get any male attention at all. Those women would love to meet a guy like you, and have a few chats, to see if there's potential for deeper compatibility. You're denying them the pleasure of getting acquainted with you.
And of course, there's never any guarantee of a match, when either side chats up the other. If it's not a match, it's not really a personal rejection. It just wasn't a good match. But you won't know if you don't try. If you don't try, you may never find that match. Sometimes a match does happen, when a woman initiates, but you can't count on that.
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