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They told me not to take it to heart and to come over, and if she has an episode to just leave. I politely told them that from here on out, I will sit out events she will also be going to. Told my girlfriend as well, and she's pretty mad. But I'm tired of taking risks on enjoying a family get together, when I could be elsewhere where I don't have to worry about that. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm getting tired of getting up from the table and having to anticipate something getting thrown at me. Last time it was an iPad. Not trying to see what she will grab next.
It's unfortunate that something about you triggers her. My neighbour's mother is triggered by her own husband but she doesn't know it's him. She confuses him with their deceased son often and also his own brother. Dementia is heartbreaking for the family to contend with.
It's no one's fault but at this point I would express it more as your concern for grannie and her reactions rather than how it makes you feel, and bow out of the gatherings so as not to upset her. There should be no reason your GF gets upset about that.
OK...If it were me, I guess I'd go with the odds. Depending on whether it happens most times or maybe only like two out of ten.
Almost every time, I'd not go. Only occasionally, then I would.
Not at first. But her family is very close and gets together at least once a week. My girlfriend wasn't close with her grandma or her aunt that lives with her who also takes care of her growing up. They acted like they were better than her and everyone else and picked and chose who they wanted to be around. So she tries to spend as much time with them as possible. She always wants me to go, but I'm tired of of the drama that goes with it. I understand she has dementia, but that doesn't make it easier, nor does it give her a golden pass to treat everyone the way she does. It's "impactful," because where I have made peace with it by choosing to opt out of any gatherings where she will be, my girlfriend is upset at me and has caused multiple arguments over it ever since. Yet when it happened on Mother's Day, she was totally fine with me not wanting to go there anymore.
Hmm... I get your situation as we faced something slightly similar with a parent having breast cancer and a slow deterioration. I’d suggest being supportive but split the difference on visitation. Go once per month or twice per month for shorter duration. Make a point of being “strong” and lean in. You can make meaningful contributions without having to feel like you’re beholden to the family drama.
I guess imagine if it were your grandma and come from that perspective.
Your stance of not going is right, IMO. It's pretty unfair of them to expect you to give up time going to Grandma's only to most likely have to leave after Grandma starts assaulting you. That's just unreasonable. If your GF can't see this, she may be a little too selfish or insensitive for this relationship to last.
Obviously, your gf's family don't understand dementia. Giving her wine means that they have/had no idea of her mental state. It is not your fault that Grandma treats you the way she does. Your gf should understand how uncomfortable you are in the situation and how upsetting it is for her grandma. I agree with the post that suggested that you make it more about not wanting to see her grandma uncomfortable than about how it makes you feel. Consider having your sister talk to them about how to keep grandma away from situations and people who confuse her to the point of "going off".
Not at first. But her family is very close and gets together at least once a week. .
Once a week?? Totally unreasonable to commit you to her family gatherings that often unless you really enjoyed them and wanted to be there , demented Grandma or not.
Would you consider maybe every other time (twice a month) a reasonable compromise?
Thank you all for your feedback. I had a long talk with my girlfriend last night and we found some common ground. I did some more research on ways to deal and cope with someone who has dementia, and I told her I will definitely attend the next gathering so we can try some of these tips from the articles I have read. If all else fails, we both agreed I will sit out any events her Grandma will be at. Her brother's fiancee already does this, because she can't deal with it either. I am sure that's one reason why it upsets my girlfriend that I want to do the same, because she doesn't care for her brother's fiancee as it is. I think one issue is that her family really doesn't know how severe her case of dementia really is. She doesn't really remember her doctor, so many visits have been cut short because she has freaked out or tried assaulting him. She also has a hatred for most men, so that doesn't help either.
The wine and alcohol was ridiculous. I told my girlfriend that a 10 year old would have enough common sense to not give her a drop of wine or any type of alcoholic beverage. She had a stern talk with her aunt, seeing as she has always agreed about this, and they now give her sparkling water in a raspberry flavor that slightly resembles wine. It worked like a charm over Memorial Day weekend, as she had no idea her wine glass contained no alcohol and drank away. However, I pointed out to my girlfriend that even though it isn't wine, that it's a problem that she is downing it that fast and asking for a refill so quickly.
I encouraged her to talk to her family to be more educated and explore their options on this matter. It's only a matter of time before her aunt is going to have to put her in a home. She has two large piles of books that she can't start to read because my girlfriend's grandma never leaves her alone. She can't even go to the bathroom without her repeatedly asking where she is, and even attempting to call the police to report her missing! When my girlfriend's parents had a bunch of family members over for St. Patrick's day, she stood over her girlfriend's aunt who was laying on the couch not feeling well from her chemo treatment, and proceeded to tell her how selfish she is for showing up to a party sick and to "take her ass home." The poor woman just sat there with tears running down her face. This is only going to get worse!
Once a week?? Totally unreasonable to commit you to her family gatherings that often unless you really enjoyed them and wanted to be there , demented Grandma or not.
Would you consider maybe every other time (twice a month) a reasonable compromise?
I do enjoy spending time with her family. I get along with everyone, we have a great time filled with laughs and great conversation, and the food is always good lol.
Obviously, your gf's family don't understand dementia. Giving her wine means that they have/had no idea of her mental state. It is not your fault that Grandma treats you the way she does. Your gf should understand how uncomfortable you are in the situation and how upsetting it is for her grandma. I agree with the post that suggested that you make it more about not wanting to see her grandma uncomfortable than about how it makes you feel. Consider having your sister talk to them about how to keep grandma away from situations and people who confuse her to the point of "going off".
Yes! I was so shocked when I first starting dating her and I witnessed that! I told my girlfriend on the ride home that the last thing she should be consuming is alcohol. And yes, I am really looking out for my girlfriend and her family. I feel horrible to see how upset and nervous they get over it. Especially my girlfriend's mother, seeing as she never had a great relationship with mom growing up. By the time they mended their relationship, she started showing early signs of dementia. And any time she has an episode, she dumps it all on my girlfriend's mother, and seeing the look on her face makes me sad. She knows it's the dementia talking, but she holds tears back every time.
Another vote for "meet her halfway". Once a week is a lot for any couple. Limit it to once or twice a month, and just go in prepared for the worst.
You seem like a pretty open-minded, observant person, though, so kudos on that.
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