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Recently engaged. When I started dating now-FI, he made it clear that I could date others. So I did. We never had a discussion about DTR, and when I would check in about his feelings he was usually vague or non committal. The end result of thisnwas that we never actually had a clear DTR talk. Never. He never asked me to be his girlfriend, and I spent much of the relationship unsure of his feelings for me. At some point those feelings did shift and he became more into me and into us, but I do not know exactly when that happened for him. I was always into him, but had not wanted to put all my eggs in that basket until I was more sure that he was more sure. A major reason for this is I want to have bio children and am mid-30s so did not want to settle on a relationship with someone until we were both pretty sure it would be long term.
He never asked if I was, and I know he was at least talking to others. Whether he went out with anyone I did not know and don’t really care. It isn’t relevant to us now (for me.)
At some point, I stopped dating others because I just wasn’t interested in anyone else and I didn’t particularly like multi dating. I do not know when he did. However there is one person who Pursued me pretty hard and over a period of months. Let me be clear: I did not know if we were exclusive and I did check in with him when this man first asked me out as to where he was at. I did not tell him he had asked me out, but I did ask where he was at. He said He wasn’t sure about me then. I would never intentionally cheat; however I think this particular person may have overlapped with when FI’s feelings started to change. Not long after I sensed that shift, I ended it, but, I have never told him. At the time we were still just dating and we had not said I love yous, or talked about marriage. I did not sleep with this person but I did kiss him.
I didn’t even think about it much until we got engaged. After it ended with that person I made the decision mot to date anyone else until now FI and I were resolved becUse it was too confusing. Now I feel that I need to mention it to have a clean slate before marriage. I honestly feel terrible about it. I didn’t have much romantic feelings for the man, that developed, but I did like him as a friend and probably let it go on longer than it should have because of that. I have no contact with him now, or after I ended it.
Two kf my very close friends say I need to leave it in the past: they said he clearly told me it was okay to date others, that he sent mixed signals for quite awhile, and that if he had wanted to lock it down, he would have asked explicitly for commitment especially since we had the initial convo about dating others. They said he probably does not care. To be fair, I would not care if told me this, but, I am wierd for a girl. It would matter to me if it had happened after a commitment, but not before. However he never actually defined when that commitment happeend for him. I had stopped asking because I didnt want to pressure him, and so I had been waiting for that. His feelings did shift and eventually I was with him exclusively.
I still can’t shake the fact that I feel like it is an omission. However, I do not know if telling him has any benefit at this point and if he does indeed care, could be detrimental to our future relationship and marriage.
What should I do? I literally can not decide what is the best course of action here.
tLdR: Was not sure when Now-FIs feelings went from casual to more serious, and not sure if the time I dated someone else overlapped with that. Don’t know if I should mention it or leave it alone.
Last edited by 145145145; 06-01-2019 at 06:30 PM..
WTF would you mention it? It could only harm what is now a healthy relationship in order to clear you conscious. Go find a counselor or a priest or whomever to get that done.
Your relationship status was ambigious at that point. I’m sure he’s not guilty about the kitty kat he was entangled with while you were dating Your said man/men.
WTF would you mention it? It could only harm what is now a healthy relationship in order to clear you conscious. Go find a counselor or a priest or whomever to get that done.
Your relationship status was ambigious at that point. I’m sure he’s not guilty about the kitty kat he was entangled with while you were dating Your said man/men.
I honestly do not think he was physically involved with anyone else. He may have been talking to a girl or two. Whether that was choice or circumstance I don’t know.
I feel guilty because it may have overlapped. He values hinesty above anything. I am starting to think that his mixed signals were due to inexperience and he may not have thought he needed to officially ask me. I would hate to have it come out later in marriage and have him feel betrayed.
I don’t feel good about keeping secrets, but I am not wild about ruining our current relationship either especially when, I could have been a better communicator, but so could he.I really only feel bad about the guy who may have overlapped. The others I haven’t fiven a thought to.
I did tell my best friend. She said she can see either side. She could see him appreciating the homesty, or, ending the wngagement if he thought we were already exclusive. I can see the same so Idk what to do.
Last edited by 145145145; 06-01-2019 at 06:53 PM..
Honesty? Nah. You only want to resolve your guilt.
Why you have that guilt is what you need to analyze, because it may not even be warranted.
Well he has repeatedly told me his only dealbreaker is lying. I think if he ever found out he might consider it a lie.
However,
I feel somewhat guilty because FI had escalated the physical relationship with me around the same time the other guy tried to. I was not sleeping with either one but this escalation did bother me that that particular aspect developed with both initially around the same time. Of course with FI it escalated to more physical things more consistently and with the other person it did not but it still feels a bit icky and dishonest to me.
Also—I guess to me it feels a little like cheating, even thiugh “technically” it wasn’t cheating
Well he has repeatedly told me his only dealbreaker is lying. I think if he ever found out he might consider it a lie.
However,
I feel somewhat guilty because FI had escalated the physical relationship with me around the same time the other guy tried to. I was not sleeping with either one but this escalation did bother me that that particular aspect developed with both initially around the same time. Of course with FI it escalated to more physical things more consistently and with the other person it did not but it still feels a bit icky and dishonest to me.
Also—I guess to me it feels a little like cheating, even thiugh “technically” it wasn’t cheating
What EXACTLY are you trying to accomplish?
Because I don't see the problem. You two (what is FI anyway??) had a loosely defined "coupling," but for some reason you have drawn an arbitrary line that you ***think*** you crossed with this guy you didn't even sleep with.
In my mind, the ONLY things you would accomplish by telling him that you kinda sorta dated and kissed this other guy would be 1) to make him randomly dislike the dude, and 2) to make him look at you with a tad bit more skepticism from now on.
And for what?????
Why, really, are you looking for trouble where there does not appear to be any? Have you included all the relevant info here?
Because I don't see the problem. You two (what is FI anyway??) had a loosely defined "coupling," but for some reason you have drawn an arbitrary line that you ***think*** you crossed with this guy you didn't even sleep with.
In my mind, the ONLY things you would accomplish by telling him that you kinda sorta dated and kissed this other guy would be 1) to make him randomly dislike the dude, and 2) to make him look at you with a tad bit more skepticism from now on.
And for what?????
Why, really, are you looking for trouble where there does not appear to be any? Have you included all the relevant info here?
We didn’t kinda sorta date. He pursued me for a period of months and I did go out with him for months. So there was a time when I was legitimately dating both of them but in an “official relationship” with neither. Althou FI may have at that point thought we were exclusive, IDk. It was not like others that fizzled after a few dates and aren’t worth mentioning. I never developed attraction for guy #2, but, it doesn’t change that we dated. I just don’t know if FI would have liked sharing. But he also never told me or communicated to me when his feelings changed.
Fi is fiance.
I honestly don’t think he would ever find out if I don’t tell him. I have felt so guilty about keeping this from him since we got engaged. Before that, I did not, because I did not know if we woukd end up married, or broken up.
But he also never told me or communicated to me when his feelings changed.
You need to decide NOW if you want to start this pattern this early in your relationship. It sounds like you are making anxiety-based decisions based on assumptions about his behavior that come from your uncertainty about his preferences.
Y'all had a stated policy of "no labels," and he knew you were seeing other guys. For some reason you told him part of the story about this guy, and now you feel guilty about that decision.
Seriously - what good would it do to tell him?
Are you still uncertain about things with him, deep down?
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