Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert (long distance, husband)
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Good points, but even though you may go through a phase of focusing on yourself...may take a year or 2. Then eventually the little voices in your head will make you realize you have no one next to you in bed.
But hopefully your prayer sticks. I sometimes wish the desire would go away, too.
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Originally Posted by That_One_Girl
I think it will be worth it for the right person (or people) eventually for me too. Who knows? I imagine if I fall in love again, the feeling will be so strong I basically won't have a choice. I can't say for certain whether I'll be happier than I am now, however.
You understand exactly what I'm talking about then! It doesn't always change our situation but it does provide some relief.
I really don't think there's a ton we can control about finding love except for making our own energy as healthy and nice as possible. I look at people who make "finding love" a priority and go out on multiple dates each week and most of them don't seem to have serious relationships any more often than I do. I believe true love (the type everyone wants) only comes around a few times in a lifetime--if even that. A lot of people think they're upping their chances by dating a lot of people, but I think they're mostly just killing time in between when a true soul mate comes around.
So, anyone who doesn't get many dates shouldn't feel too bad about it. A lot of times, it just adds baggage and emotional upset to people's lives and they then have a lot of negative energy by the time they do eventually meet someone with whom they have a strong connection. I think it's better to just not focus on romance at all and instead just have fun and find activities you enjoy and can focus on. Then who knows, maybe if we're lucky, at some point some person who enjoys similar things will appear and maybe we'll make a connection without even trying.
And if not, oh well, we have other things to focus on anyway. But it has to be more than just self-improvement and having your stuff together. We need passions we truly enjoy that can bring us fulfillment as single people.
To note, when I do get dates, I could count them on one hand per year how many I've had. When I hear people brag about they have one date a week, I just shake my head. Their ante is up on finding a sig. other. With me, even if I do meet someone..there could be a chance that it may not be a match or a click.
Then it's back to another 4 to 6 months for date #2....that year....and then cross your fingers on THAT one and hope 1 out of 2 aint bad!. lol
You know, it's funny, the last time I was rejected, after a Christmas party late last year, I had that exact argument with God. For a long time I'd been begging for the pain to stop...either to fulfill what I was asking for, or to take my desires away entirely. I'd then work hard to do my part in fulfilling my desires, in getting my way, in looking for and creating opportunities to date...and fail. I was trying to control it, thinking it was something I could effect if I worked hard enough at it, and I worked very hard at it. And that was my problem...it was beyond my control, and despite various evidence and signs that pointed as such, it took me a long time to come to grips with that.
I finally realized it was futile and painful to spend so much effort on it. Much better to redirect my efforts at being the person I wanted to be, not a person that someone else wants me to be, and the only way to do that was to let go and accept my circumstances. Only then could I stop focusing on how what I was doing might improve my odds in dating. That's brought peace and opportunities for growth beyond what I was hoping for.
But it took a very, very angry conversation with God for me to do that. (In the shower though, so that my tears were indistinguishable from the hot water running down my face in all but their bitterness, not on my knees.)
This is really interesting. I started a thread on the religion forum about whether it would be worth a shot to pray for a wife. Not in a way that God gives us everything we want, but kind of thinking "well, nothing else I've done has worked, and maybe this is an obvious answer". I mean, I'm not religious, but maybe if I get closer to God he'll see my heart is in the right place and I'm more than ready. I don't know. I've been angry at God since my divorce a decade ago, so maybe that's the issue. Its all too abstract for me to understand.
I'm coming to the realization it is futile to put forth so much effort. I'm also just working on myself at this point and trying (though its not easy) to forget about meeting someone I can settle down with. It's a constant struggle.
Like you, I was stood up last minute at my company Christmas party, which really upset me.
That's all fair, I just don't think that you're guaranteed even a chance at a relationship no matter how content and secure you are with your life. Possible? Sure. Chances improved by being a well-adjusted, functional, confident, secure human being? Absolutely. A given? No.
I wonder if men generally have a harder time getting to that point, of being happy when locked out of the chance of romance and intimacy? It doesn't matter on an individual level and one's responsibility to find happiness, and I think that may be your point. But have you read the article that was linked in the first post? What do you make of it?
We aren’t guaranteed anything in life - so pursue your own happiness (beyond and including relationships) and get after it. Does it help to sit back and think, ‘well I’m not guaranteed happiness or finding the person I want so I’ll just sit here and do nothing’? That seems to be what you are stating. If we are afraid/focused on ‘failure’, it’s a way to guarantee it.
We aren’t guaranteed anything in life - so pursue your own happiness (beyond and including relationships) and get after it. Does it help to sit back and think, ‘well I’m not guaranteed happiness or finding the person I want so I’ll just sit here and do nothing’? That seems to be what you are stating. If we are afraid/focused on ‘failure’, it’s a way to guarantee it.
I'm stating, that I'm not focusing on that particular thing as a goal anymore. I'm focusing on achieving things in my life which bring me enjoyment and fulfillment in and of themselves.
Example: I reached a point at my gym-goings where I was satisfied with my physical appearance and my level of strength, so I stopped going. I don't bristle muscles, I don't strain shirts. I don't look athletic. But I've never had a particular interest in athletics; I'm not physically coordinated, I'm not physically competitive, I don't enjoy putting that kind of effort into sports because I'm just not very good at them. I'm in the kind of shape I need to be to physically do the things that I enjoy doing, and that's good enough for me. To spend more hours at the gym...why? So I can get that broad-shouldered, V'd, ripped appearance? What purpose would that serve me in my non-physical, non-athletic life, except to potentially attract women who like that sort of thing? To that I say, 1- If I don't like the lifestyle that leads to such physique, I'm unlikely to have a lot in common with the kind of women who are attracted to it, and 2- No such opportunity is guaranteed for my efforts. So, I stopped going to the gym and instead spent time on pursuits that bring me more fulfillment. I'll go back if I'm ever dissatisfied with my physical shape, but that's not going to be because women aren't attracted to how I look now.
If my life brings me opportunity I'm willing to take a chance on it; I'm just not willing to seek to create such opportunities as a goal for my efforts anymore.
Good points, but even though you may go through a phase of focusing on yourself...may take a year or 2. Then eventually the little voices in your head will make you realize you have no one next to you in bed.
That was really nice, almost like a haiku.
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To note, when I do get dates, I could count them on one hand per year how many I've had. When I hear people brag about they have one date a week, I just shake my head. Their ante is up on finding a sig. other. With me, even if I do meet someone..there could be a chance that it may not be a match or a click.
Then it's back to another 4 to 6 months for date #2....that year....and then cross your fingers on THAT one and hope 1 out of 2 aint bad!. lol
Your posts are so much more authentic and relate-able when you describe your own situation instead of your impressions of women, TT. You're really no worse off than anyone else posting about their dating experiences, it seems perfectly normal to have 5 dates a year when you're only looking for one person, and she could be right around the corner.
This is really interesting. I started a thread on the religion forum about whether it would be worth a shot to pray for a wife. Not in a way that God gives us everything we want, but kind of thinking "well, nothing else I've done has worked, and maybe this is an obvious answer". I mean, I'm not religious, but maybe if I get closer to God he'll see my heart is in the right place and I'm more than ready. I don't know. I've been angry at God since my divorce a decade ago, so maybe that's the issue. Its all too abstract for me to understand.
I'm coming to the realization it is futile to put forth so much effort. I'm also just working on myself at this point and trying (though its not easy) to forget about meeting someone I can settle down with. It's a constant struggle.
Like you, I was stood up last minute at my company Christmas party, which really upset me.
This isn't the religion board, and I've gotten my wrist slapped before for discussing matters of Christian faith, but oh well. Here's my religious perspective on it.
If you're religious, praying shouldn't be the last resort..."Nothing else has worked"...it should be the first resort. If you're not religious, but believe in God, being motivated to get closer to God because you want something is the wrong motivation. It's okay to pray for things that you want, but expecting to get them if your heart's in the right place enough isn't how it works. It's not about what I want, it's about what God wants for me, and if I'm wanting things that God doesn't want for me, for whatever reason, I'm not going to have an easy time of it.
My struggle was with the desires in my heart to date and find a relationship and eventually be married and have a family...all healthy desires, when wanted for the right reasons...contrasted against my lack of success in dating. I didn't understand why I had those desires in my heart if I wasn't given the success I needed to realize them. Two things have helped with that.
The first was therapy, both self-therapy and actual sessions, in which I grappled with what it meant to be a successful and whole person. "If you give something...or someone...the power to make you happy, you also give them the power to make you miserable," one book said. My personal happiness shouldn't be dictated by the presence of someone else; if it is, then they control how happy I am, not me. It's also an unfair expectation on a woman, to expect her to make me whole and happy. I have to seek that completion in and of myself if I want to be truly happy, with or without a relationship.
The second was something that I read on here that jarred me to the realization that I was putting relationships on a pedestal. I was wanting a relationship more than any one person in particular, and that's cart-before-horse thinking. There have been lots of bad, even abusive, relationships that started because someone liked the idea of getting in a relationship more than they like their options. I realized I was doing the same...wanting to be with someone so badly that it eclipsed my desire for any particular woman...and that it probably made me reek of desperation to the women I was asking out.
I decided to be open to opportunity for a relationship, but not to chase it as a goal anymore.
....When I look back, most of my relationships were miserable. So yes, I'm definitely happy single but you have to compare it to where I've been. I've never really had a truly "happy" relationship and I don't even know for sure that I could. I don't know if I'm wired that way. Relationships feel like a huge responsibility and on top of that, it's a feeling of having so much to lose. I think I'm happiest single because I have nothing to lose. I can detach and just kind of live in the moment, enjoy my life, and have fun.
It's harder to have fun when there's this precious, beautiful, amazing person who you love so much it hurts. You worry about them. You suffer whenever they're in pain. And that's true in even the best relationships, let alone the confusion that can happen when you begin having problems with this person you love so much. If you love someone enough to be with them, you'll also struggle to leave them if things become unhappy.
It's basically a huge complication to life that brings a LOT of stresses and troubles that wouldn't have existed had you just stayed on your own. Yes it brings some nice stuff too but my soul and mind are not at a place where I can fully convince myself it's worth it.
The "having so much to lose" aspect has always been depressing for me. It's one of the biggest reasons I leaned against having children. I can't imagine the worry and terror I'd experience loving an innocent little being that much and knowing all the awful things that could happen to them. I doubt I'd ever sleep again.
Our experiences in life and the way we react to them determine the kind of person we become and the choices we make. I wonder what kind of experiences led you to fear the kinds of pain one might endure when they love someone. When they hurt, you hurt. When they leave, you hurt. It’s not all sunshine and roses, that is for certain!
I had a wonderful life with a loving husband and children. Then several losses in quick succession turned my life upside down. I vowed to never love again so I would never have to experience that kind of pain again. It didn’t work. Oh I made a good life for myself with many friends but I missed the intimacy shared with a loving husband and the everyday interaction with my children. I soon realized I had to have that again despite the risk. I am just wired to love and be loved and am happiest with a husband and children to dote on. It looks like I am being given a second chance at that and I am truly grateful.
Our experiences in life and the way we react to them determine the kind of person we become and the choices we make. I wonder what kind of experiences led you to fear the kinds of pain one might endure when they love someone. When they hurt, you hurt. When they leave, you hurt. It’s not all sunshine and roses, that is for certain!
I had a wonderful life with a loving husband and children. Then several losses in quick succession turned my life upside down. I vowed to never love again so I would never have to experience that kind of pain again. It didn’t work. Oh I made a good life for myself with many friends but I missed the intimacy shared with a loving husband and the everyday interaction with my children. I soon realized I had to have that again despite the risk. I am just wired to love and be loved and am happiest with a husband and children to dote on. It looks like I am being given a second chance at that and I am truly grateful.
I think it's important to note here that not wanting to deal with pain is not the same as fearing it. Some people are better off single because it helps them protect their sanity. Especially if they are sensitive. A human being can only take so much before it turns them into someone they are not suppose to be. Whether or not someone feels it's worth the risk, it's entirely up to them. They can't be worried about whether or not someone see's them as a coward or weak for their decisions. It's all about what you're willing to put up with.
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