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Another eccentric friend and I were dining in a local restaurant and I looked up at the party being seated right next to us. It was an ex-boyfriend who emotionally and physically abused me. I don't know why I lasted with him so long but we were together three years. I had not seen him since 2016.
For years I had nightmares about him and wondered what his family was like. How could they bring up such a (charming) monster? I had never met his parents before but recognized them from a picture he had shown me when we were together.
I looked at them and thought this my chance to go over and embarrass my old lover in front of his parents. I wondered if they knew he was so abusive and what he had done to me. How would they respond if I approached them? How honest should I be? Should I make a scene? Or just go over and make a joke about their son? Or maybe be polite.
In the end, I spent most of my time at dinner staring at my ex-lover and his parents but could not get enough nerve to approach them. He never said a word and would not return my glances.
Was I a coward or smart?
You obviously still have issues that you should deal with regarding this relationship. He showed the mature attitude by not reacting or interacting with you.
So far nearly everyone said I should just ignore my old lover of three years even if he was sitting just 20 feet away. This was someone I spent nearly every waking hour with for a very long time. We made love, talked about our hopes and dreams and for a while were convinced that we were soul mates. Even if things went south, doesn't the situation deserve some type of communication?
If it did, it would have already happened.....it doesn't have to happen at a random situation like you've described. Also, the fact that your so called 3 year relationship didn't even acknowledge you.
And the fact that his parents obviously never even met you. otherwise they might have acknowledged your presence....doesn't lend itself to support the seriousness that you describe re: that relationship....most people in a relationship of that length have at least met the parents.
I would say that perhaps you took the relationship much more seriously than this man. So much healthier for you to move on.
It was an ex-boyfriend who emotionally and physically abused me.
For years I had nightmares about him... How could they bring up such a (charming) monster?
I wondered if they knew he was so abusive and what he had done to me.
Which is a far cry from:
Quote:
Originally Posted by pretty but odd
This was someone I spent nearly every waking hour with for a very long time. We made love, talked about our hopes and dreams and for a while were convinced that we were soul mates.
Either he was an abusive monster or he's the one that got away. In a healthy person, it can't be both.
So far nearly everyone said I should just ignore my old lover of three years even if he was sitting just 20 feet away. This was someone I spent nearly every waking hour with for a very long time. We made love, talked about our hopes and dreams and for a while were convinced that we were soul mates. Even if things went south, doesn't the situation deserve some type of communication?
I mean, all that stuff is great, but...
If he was so horrible to you, I imagine that stuff didn't mean much anymore. At least not enough to stay with him through the abuse. And understandably so.
What, exactly, would you hope to come out of communicating with him at that moment? Or at any moment?
Quote:
In the end, I spent most of my time at dinner staring at my ex-lover and his parents but could not get enough nerve to approach them. He never said a word and would not return my glances.
I just read that part. Honestly, you sound like you came through as super creepy. Maybe he put you through some crap. I get that. But if he has that profound an impact on you that you'll react this way and contemplate making a scene in public, leave. Don't sit and stare the whole meal. That's weird.
So far nearly everyone said I should just ignore my old lover of three years even if he was sitting just 20 feet away. This was someone I spent nearly every waking hour with for a very long time. We made love, talked about our hopes and dreams and for a while were convinced that we were soul mates. Even if things went south, doesn't the situation deserve some type of communication?
So far nearly everyone said I should just ignore my old lover of three years even if he was sitting just 20 feet away. This was someone I spent nearly every waking hour with for a very long time. We made love, talked about our hopes and dreams and for a while were convinced that we were soul mates. Even if things went south, doesn't the situation deserve some type of communication?
Who cares? Its in the past. I have run into ex girlfriends that I shared everything you did when you were together and never once did I consider saying anything to them other than ask how everything was going? Nothing else matters at this point. He doesn't care about you anymore. You are stuck in the past. Move on with your life. If you started screaming at me at this point (If I were him), I would just laugh in your face. You, as a couple, are history. Its like running into an old boss that fired you years ago. If nothing else, you should take the high road and at least act like things are better. If you start telling them they ruined your life, you will make their day. I am guessing you are young 20's or younger. If not, you have a lot of growing up to do.
This abuser and his parents have just as every right to be in that diner as you. You and him don't get along. So just don't say anything and keep your distance. If you want to attempt to repair things, it sounds like that ball is initially in your court. You can invite him 1-1 to somewhere public if you really want to and give him a chance to sincerely apologize without asking him to do so. Do you feel he didn't know what he was doing before and maybe has grown to be a better person? If you don't want to consider this, then you just need to keep your distance. This issue is now passed and you have to move on. You don't forget, and you can choose to consider accepting forgiveness somehow or not.
And this is another reason why abuse victims are afraid to come forward - they fear they won't be believed.
Just because you can't understand how abuse victims get sucked into abusive relationships and convince themselves of things which aren't true doesn't mean it's not possible. It's actually exactly how abusers/abusive relationships work. Seriously - read some articles, pick up a book about it, watch a documentary or something... educate yourself before you make snap judgments that ultimately blame the victim.
Either he was an abusive monster or he's the one that got away. In a healthy person, it can't be both.
Omg she was talking about it in past tense - she thought they were soulmates at the time, now she understands what a monster he really was. You really need this spelled out for you? There is no inconsistency in her story. This victim blaming is completely out of hand and frankly, very disgusting.
Omg she was talking about it in past tense - she thought they were soulmates at the time, now she understands what a monster he really was. You really need this spelled out for you? There is no inconsistency in her story. This victim blaming is completely out of hand and frankly, very disgusting.
It's this poster specifically that I take issue with, not abuse victims in general.
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