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Please take this easy, it is just an on-line forum. To me equality between genders means theoretical equality in everything. Including how long someone should drive or splitting the bills while dating...
If that were the case you would have just posted that in the first place instead of this cryptic petulant memo:
Quote:
Fair according to what? If we take the prevailing feminist philosophy about gender equality then it is not fair. But that philosophy seems to only apply when feminists can use this philosophy to their advantage.
It really depends on who and where and what time and...I don't know what all else. I usually make the gesture to pay for myself, and I don't insist if he says "no, let me". I don't think I've ever insulted a guy buy buying my own coffee, or buying his as well if the moment seems appropriate. Sometimes I say "the next one's on me"
I actually went to dinner with a guy, fully intending to pay for myself, who said "Since I don't plan to move forward with this, I'll ask you to pay for your own dinner". I was floored.
Believe me, it isn't if a guy pays, but how he handles whatever happens, that I am watching.
Please take this easy, it is just an on-line forum. To me equality between genders means theoretical equality in everything. Including how long someone should drive or splitting the bills while dating...
Wanting to be treated like a human being, does not have to equate to nit-picking and score-keeping over every little detail in a relationship.
I mean obviously you do whatever works for you.
The rest of us will just be prepared to put in the effort if something matters to us, and will otherwise negotiate the details in whatever ways that seem to work at the time.
I mean criminy though, this gets complicated enough when the goals are:
To alleviate awkwardness, put people on the date at ease, and generally be considerate/nice.
If it gets your motor going to enact dating policy around point-scoring for some kind of social justice, or to make a reactionary statement against it, then I guess um..."Your kink is not my kink, and that's ok."
It really depends on who and where and what time and...I don't know what all else. I usually make the gesture to pay for myself, and I don't insist if he says "no, let me". I don't think I've ever insulted a guy buy buying my own coffee, or buying his as well if the moment seems appropriate. Sometimes I say "the next one's on me"
I actually went to dinner with a guy, fully intending to pay for myself, who said "Since I don't plan to move forward with this, I'll ask you to pay for your own dinner". I was floored.
Believe me, it isn't if a guy pays, but how he handles whatever happens, that I am watching.
Dissenter!? Was that you???
lol
Maybe you were boring him.
(I'm joking!! *ducks imaginary objects thrown from the East Coast*)
No I agree, it's not about what actually happens but how it's handled, what is said. I had a date ask before we ordered, "Hey, do you mind if we go Dutch on this? I live a frugal lifestyle." This was after he had already invited me to his home where he suggested he would cook me dinner for our first date, which I was not willing to do for obvious safety reasons, so we went to a decent spot downtown. I did not mind going Dutch, not one bit! And in fact, I ~did~ end up going home with him that night. He persuaded me, and I didn't regret it.
Where I had declined second dates with a couple of other fellas who insisted on paying.
One thing really just has nothing to do with the other, where I'm concerned, and I think that is the preference of most women. So the guy implying that he'd have been willing to buy you dinner if he had "planned to move forward" was...pretty incredibly rude.
One thing really just has nothing to do with the other, where I'm concerned, and I think that is the preference of most women. So the guy implying that he'd have been willing to buy you dinner if he had "planned to move forward" was...pretty incredibly rude.
And so arrogant...
The pre-meeting conversations reveal a lot, too. I asked an online match where he usually meets, what kind of places? He said bars for happy hour, coffee a couple of times and “one gal got real lucky because there was a new restaurant I wanted to try.” I asked: “Lucky?” He said yeah, she got dinner. I replied that I’m really lucky too, I eat dinner almost every night.... I don’t think he got it, but I already could tell the kind of tone the conversation was taking, I’m not going to feel lucky if I “get to eat something” I eat dinner anyway, and who said I expected anyone to pay? 😐 That’s my point, I’d say thank you if someone said they were paying, it’s really nice, I pay for drinks or food whether I’m with someone or not, do I owe ME something now?
And so arrogant...
The pre-meeting conversations reveal a lot, too. I asked an online match where he usually meets, what kind of places? He said bars for happy hour, coffee a couple of times and “one gal got real lucky because there was a new restaurant I wanted to try.” I asked: “Lucky?” He said yeah, she got dinner. I replied that I’m really lucky too, I eat dinner almost every night.... I don’t think he got it, but I already could tell the kind of tone the conversation was taking, I’m not going to feel lucky if I “get to eat something” I eat dinner anyway, and who said I expected anyone to pay? 😐 That’s my point, I’d say thank you if someone said they were paying, it’s really nice, I pay for drinks or food whether I’m with someone or not, do I owe ME something now?
Yep. A quick peek and some hanky. If you buy yourself dessert, you can do the panky part.
I always suggest to meet for a drink. I don't want anyone think they have to pay for a whole meal if this doesn't turn out well - or be stuck with that person for the whole time of the meal. A drink is quick.
Usually we meet - within a minute I know if there is potential. We order a drink, connect, and then he suggests food. I only agree if I like him. We eat and I cannot remember anyone ever letting me pay. I always reach for my wallet though. And then tell him I at least want to pay for the tip which they also reject.
Someone once said to me it is just fair the man pays because women - buy a nice dress for the date, spend a lot of time getting ready, pay for manicure and pedicure, the make up, the brazilian wax, eye brow trim, maybe get the hair done, and usually earn less at their job.
While he wears clothes he always wears ... and maybe shaves.
I always suggest to meet for a drink. I don't want anyone think they have to pay for a whole meal if this doesn't turn out well - or be stuck with that person for the whole time of the meal. A drink is quick.
That is a good idea but you yourself pointed out that you are not American. Most American women do not seem to have any such concerns.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Someone once said to me it is just fair the man pays because women - buy a nice dress for the date, spend a lot of time getting ready, pay for manicure and pedicure, the make up, the brazilian wax, eye brow trim, maybe get the hair done, and usually earn less at their job.
While he wears clothes he always wears ... and maybe shaves.
Woman buy a nice dress for the first/second date, especially if this is a first short date from the OLD site? That is just an absolute fantasy. A lot of women do manicure and pedicure anyway. I believe both genders wear what they wear to at least a few first dates. The only difference is that men shave and maybe women apply make up.
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