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Old 06-16-2019, 10:57 PM
 
29,474 posts, read 22,494,633 times
Reputation: 48169

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
You're in love with someone you have never met? It's a fantasy, not a relationship.
Exactly this.

Look, I get it that people can develop 'feelings' with one another by chatting, facetime, social media, etc.

But speaking generally, I never understood people who consider someone a love interest or a boyfriend/girlfriend, when they have never met physically in person and only interacted online.

Trust me, there is a HUGE difference between internet 'relationships' and real life relationships.

Until two people meet in person, then it never was, and never will be, a true 'relationship.'
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Old 06-16-2019, 11:21 PM
 
Location: California
999 posts, read 551,109 times
Reputation: 2983
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suburban_Guy View Post
Exactly this.

Look, I get it that people can develop 'feelings' with one another by chatting, facetime, social media, etc.

But speaking generally, I never understood people who consider someone a love interest or a boyfriend/girlfriend, when they have never met physically in person and only interacted online.

Trust me, there is a HUGE difference between internet 'relationships' and real life relationships.

Until two people meet in person, then it never was, and never will be, a true 'relationship.'
It's fine to say that's your opinion, but in reality, you don't get to gatekeep the term "relationship" and decide what is or isn't a relationship is for someone else. If two people decide they're in a relationship, then they are.

This topic always gets me heated because I've been in a relationship with someone who I didn't meet in person until quite a while after we committed to each other. I knew after one conversation that we were going to be together.

Just because it's not something you could do doesn't mean it can't be. Not everyone places a lot of value on the physical side of things. For some of us, a mental connection is all we need to commit.
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Old 06-16-2019, 11:26 PM
 
6,784 posts, read 4,771,189 times
Reputation: 26037
Don't you think it would be smarter to look for a more available relationship? What advice would you give someone in a similar situation - hang on to a broken person they have never met in real life or find someone mentally and physically available?
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:22 AM
 
Location: La-La Land
363 posts, read 511,846 times
Reputation: 486
I appreciate all your replies, and thank you all for your input.

Yes it's possible to develop feelings for people you have not met in person, but also, I can see this may be a way I avoid real life relationships. I struggle with agoraphobia and don't get out much. Most of my life is purely online.

A lot happened yesterday: I talked more with my Danish friend, and he is of the same opinion of those here who don't think online relations are legit (his actual words were "F*ck him, he's a ## year old chronically depressed person you have never met in person. Time to get serious...") He said I need to meet folks in person, and get out of the house, and pressed me to sign up on a dating app.

I did, and immediately felt guilt and shame- I felt I was betraying my British guy. So I deleted the profile and told Brit. He emotionally imploded. It carried on for 6 hours... hours of 'why did you do that, what did I do, I only want you', etc... in between bouts of insulting the Dane and saying if that's what I want go ahead. He even had suspicion about my friend at once point. It was horrible. I ended up telling him I would not talk to my Danish friend again to reassure him. He said I can talk to whoever I please, but it was very obvious that he was disturbed by the friendship, the communication and wouldn't be happy with it. It was pretty ****ty. This morning, he was still upset.

I told my Danish friend I couldn't talk to him again. That was painful.

Tonight I talked with some friends in Boston who I grew up with/ been friends with for 15-20 years. They all agreed with the Dane (who they don't know) and are now saying the same things... Break away from the Brit slowly and sign up for dating apps. I still think this is a severe idea. I wasn't looking for anyone when my British friend confessed to me... otherwise I'd have already been on dating apps. I care for him. :/
Anyway, thank you all.
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Old 06-18-2019, 03:59 AM
 
24,541 posts, read 18,124,000 times
Reputation: 40231
This is fantasy. As long as you recognize that, it’s harmless. You’re not going to get into a long term relationship with someone 8 time zones away who has Asperger’s and mental health problems.
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Old 06-18-2019, 06:27 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,761,388 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5pyg1a55 View Post

I struggle with agoraphobia and don't get out much. Most of my life is purely online.
This would have been helpful to know in the OP.

This post is full of so many bad decisions. Mainly:

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5pyg1a55 View Post
So I deleted the profile and told Brit. He emotionally imploded.
You claim to care for him, but your post shows otherwise. Look what you caused:

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5pyg1a55 View Post
It carried on for 6 hours... hours of 'why did you do that, what did I do, I only want you', etc... in between bouts of insulting the Dane and saying if that's what I want go ahead. He even had suspicion about my friend at once point. It was horrible. I ended up telling him I would not talk to my Danish friend again to reassure him. He said I can talk to whoever I please, but it was very obvious that he was disturbed by the friendship, the communication and wouldn't be happy with it. It was pretty ****ty. This morning, he was still upset.

I told my Danish friend I couldn't talk to him again. That was painful.
I agree that you need to break away from this guy, because you not only are harming yourself mentally by continuing to foster this interaction, but you're now harming him too by playing into his serious deficiencies.

But I disagree that you need to sign up for dating apps. A man won't and shouldn't be expected to solve your problems. You can't even leave the house now. Why should a man be responsible for getting you to do that? It's completely unfair.

You have a lot of work to do before you're in a place to date.
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Old 06-18-2019, 07:59 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,707 posts, read 19,883,738 times
Reputation: 43041
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5pyg1a55 View Post
I have my own issues but have them well under control.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5pyg1a55 View Post
I appreciate all your replies, and thank you all for your input.

Yes it's possible to develop feelings for people you have not met in person, but also, I can see this may be a way I avoid real life relationships. I struggle with agoraphobia and don't get out much. Most of my life is purely online.
Uhm, no. You do not have your issues under control. Get your life in order. Start with leaving the house more and seek counseling. I wish you all the best.
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Old 06-18-2019, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,418,348 times
Reputation: 53067
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5pyg1a55 View Post
Parnassia,

I think I could deal with this better if we were in person. But, how do I bring up his depression without offending him? (I have found men especially are adverse to the idea of seeking mental health help, but European men are 100x worse than Americans). It took me months of nagging to get my Danish friend to see a psych, and he gave it up after just 2 months...

My Brit has access to medical care (British NHS)... but he seems to rely on 'Buddhist retreats', meditation and alcohol when he clearly has more than simple acute depression. He says he's 'bored' all the time, unless he's on vacation somewhere...it's deeply clinical depression, not circumstantial or result of trauma or injury.

Is this a better thing to post in the psychology section? I have my own issues but have them well under control.
What does your therapist say regarding the situation?
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